Sunday, September 30, 2012

Post Numero 34: It is (almost) October




Ok…so…IT IS OCTOBER!!!! (almost October...but the excitement is overwhelming me...2 hours left till it is officially October her in this part of the world)
And readers…who are you kidding…EVERYONE loves October!
Think about it.  With the exception of the freak chill happening, the weather is gorgeous. (Even though for the past two Octobers we have been through two MAJOR blizzards…but let us not think about that now).  In October the leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you're an outdoorsy type, there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else one might do that doesn't include air conditioning (drinking outside, hiking outside with drinks, bad decision outside with fun time).  If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds.  The cultured among us can enjoy a new season of symphony and opera, and even the couch potato is finally freed from summer reruns. And of course LOTS OF “FALL-CAHOL”!

No matter who you are and what you like, there's something great about October. 

Then a cherry on top of the major awesome "monthification", Halloween caps off the month, which is one of the few light hearted days that present a rare opportunity for adults to use their imaginations to find a creative costume, go to a party and act like children for a night in our otherwise stuffy, overworked, miserable, blech, work year. and of course I repeat October is a GREAT TIME for “FALL-cahol”

Everyone wins. 

I love October. 

I will put up a calendar post soon
3 posts in one day, with more coming soon…whoa!
Cheers, Saluti, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 33.29: Bucket List #29


So with the fall bucket list happening I decided to add this to the list:


Readers, I will let you decided which one is "Nice Guy"
29) Find a ridiculous horse…name horse “Nice Guy”…enter him in a horse race…make sure he finishes last…Laugh at the irony of how “Nice Guy finished Last”




HAHAHAHAHAHA…I crack myself up…

More posts coming soon!
Keep sending me feed back and check your inbox for my responses
Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 33: Music Video Mode


HEY READERS!
So now that it is fall I have been enjoying taking my lunch breaks outside. The weather has been perfect (aka: not hot as hell or cold as fuck).  
So, where I work, my lunch break is 45 minutes long and is a nice chunk of time to just sit outside and relax. I go out onto the lawn of the school…aka the curb by my car…I take only the basics stuff which are my phone, my IPod, and my hostility (I bet half of you thought the word “vodka” would be on this list…but I AM a responsible adult sometimes…HA!) …

Anyway… the only way I can survive the daily onslaught of work is by shoving in ear buds and listening to songs that make me feel like a badass. Songs that convince me I am more powerful than the environment around me. I enjoy going off on my own because when dealing with the job I need to break away from people (especially those who kick, scream, and cry all the damn time)…So this time “away” is when I get into my “Music Video Mode”

Alright, I know readers…What the Hell is “Music Video Mode”?
Ok, “Music Video Mode” is the feeling you get when listening to music in a dramatic or inspirational setting that is reminiscent of something that could be filmed…in simple words…it feels like someone could film you and be like “wow” that looks cool… It is the sense that you get where something is dramatic and a sense of reality fades away. I get this feeling ("Music Video Mode") all the time because I have a wide selection of music that fits into numerous settings and my mind always wanders…plus I think someone has been filming me lately so…maybe I am in a music video…gulp…

Now “Music Video Mode” for me kicks in the most in two different instances:
1)      When I am running. I love “Music Video Mode” when I am running because it makes time pass by quickly and is a great distraction for when I am dying on the ground trying to breath (I am most definitely not the healthiest of people so listening to music also help past the time for the paramedic to arrive). Also “Music Video Mode” happens because I am a VERY dramatic runner. When I run, I act like a fool and air drum and jump over things and act like I am being all bad ass by running on park benches and swinging from tree branches. This also happens when I am walking or strutting my stuff haha…so it just feels very music video appropriate
2)      When I am chilling out with headphones outdoors (such as when I am on my lunch break)


This would be what my CD cover would look like...."Matteo...On a Park bench...At Night" 

Anyways how to have the “Music Video Mode” sensation:
1)      Find the right music and add it to a play list…MY play list has a bunch of CRAP songs on it…bad songs…good songs…great songs…but non-the-less all the songs are ones that I love to listen to. The use of the playlist adds in NO surprise song pop ups. Think of it like this…you don’t want to have to switch six songs in order to get into your groove and ruin the moment…
2)      Find a breeze…Alright it may sound stupid but trust me…the breeze just adds in classiness. Feel the breeze rush through your hair and look into it if you want added drama and intensity.
3)      Find THAT exact point between shade and sun…ya know…that point where the shade meets the sun…for example a leafy pasture or wooded area filled with deer and other cute rodent like creatures
4)      Play with your emotions…we all have crazy ass thoughts running through our minds...driving us crazy…we all have moments like this, right? Moments when we need a hot soundtrack to get us through a tough situation, or a happy one, or that feeling of being bored off your ass? Whatever it is, it calls for the right music to make it better. Think of it as a soundtrack for your life…so put that music on anddddd….
5)      LOOK OUT INTO THE DISTANCE…look out…not at anything…Just look out into the distance and squint…It does not matter if you are looking into the sun itself…let your corneas burn! In fact with the loss of vision and the fact of how your eyes will dry out so quickly from lack of blinking your sense of hearing will heighten bringing the music video experience to life.
6)      When in doubt…dance it out…Feel free to sway and clap and shake it down…

Anyway, just as a warning…you may look like a moron to everyone else around you…but enjoy the feeling!

SO…..
LAST DAY OF SEPTEMBER EVERYONE!!!
More Posts coming soon!
Holidays coming soon!
SUNDAY IS UPON US!!!

Church and Cereal

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

POST 32.29: Hollie

So, quickly...this is a quick shout out to a good friend (with great calves) whom started reading my blog today!

HI HOLLIE!!!!!!!

this posts may seem pointless...but guess what...I enjoy making them

Hi Hollie,
Wonderful being friends with you! You and I share many traits in common... I would list them but frankly i can not at this point in time...how rather anticlimactic...but i give you these words of advice...


Anyway...more posts coming soon...HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

POST NUMERO 32: The Leasing of Furniture


Alright so,
Firstly…I came to the realization last night that I never used a GOOD friend's code name in really any post...so to make up for it.... I am going to just write it 10 times…so she knows I care:

Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie (not even her real name)

Tonight I went to Judie and Lens house and OH BOY! What a fun time. Whenever we get together it is always a fun time (reread the post about going night swimming down the shore and how we were almost “naaaaked and arrestedddd” ). There was a tornado warning and it stormed like a bitch. I drove 20 miles an hour and while stopping into the liquer store to buy supplies for the evening the cashier asked me what the weather was like outside (I was so wet and windblown that my clothes were see through)

Anyway, a few hours with them always does the mind good and I always learn many things…
Firstly…how nice it is to reconnect with old friends…so I saw a friend I have not seen since last year around this time…it is not that we have not tried to get together but her and I have not exactly had the easiest of schedules to incorporate “friendly bonding/bitching time”. Her name is Zucchini (this is a COMPLETE codename…basically, being that I suck with names, the first time I met her I completely and totally forgot her name…a name that is mighty exotic and amazing…so I thought she said Zucchini and I referred to her as such for months until I was finally corrected). Anyway she is kind of awesome and I just enjoy her company…So readers…I challenge you to go and find a friend and reconnect and just go for it because it is a fun fuuuuuuuuuun time.
Secondly... So amongst the group we get into meaningless conversations about growing up…tonight’s conversation revolved around an obscure financial burden that comes along with growing up. This obscure financial burden revolves around, “Leasing Furniture”.
I understand why people do lease furniture.
I have never leased furniture nor do I think I could because I need the security of knowing the couch I accidently keep drooling on is completely mine. However, it was hilarious hearing Judie, Len, and Zucchini swap stories. I have heard of leasing cars but NEVER furniture (Damn that fucking “life bubble” I grew up in). Do I really want to be paying off an ottoman for the rest of my life. So, how do I explain leasing furniture in my opinion…alright so I think leasing furniture is fine but what the real issue is (and we decided this amongst the group) is the hilarity of having to pay the bill. I mean think about it…you go and get the mail…you look through it…phone bill, cable bill, water bill, electric bill, and then you come to the envelope that tells you that the pillows on your reclining Lazyboy sectional are not technically yours yet or paid for yet. Think about it readers…all those bills and then the cherry on the top of the sundae which is a bill detailing the pending price of the object more then likely your ass is sitting on at that moment. I don’t know why I find it so funny. Plus, think about this…you can’t make the payments…what happens next…the furniture store comes and repossess a couch…CRAP…where will I sleep when I have arguments with my future wife (psh…we all know I am dieing alone and now I am also dieing couchless...). I feel like I need to create a Mafia to enforce the rules of leasing furniture…a secret underground taskforce to make sure people are paying off their couches, tables, and beds.
I picture the people dressed all in black coming to the door and saying things like, “ You didn’t pay this month…and if you can’t pay for the couch…then you're getting the ouch"

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!
More Posts coming Soon!!

Friday, September 21, 2012

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists


So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…
but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.
So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but
… here we go…


AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:
1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)
2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)
1)      Carve a Pumpkin.
2)      Run to Work at least once.
3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)
4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)
5)      Nap outside
6)      Drink (DONE)
7)      Drink (DONE)
8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

POST NUMERO 30: Breathing, and Your Brain is Screwing You!


Alright, so I KNOW this has happened to everyone…don’t even lie readers because even if it has not…then be prepared…something horrible is about to happen…
I warn you readers…this post will make normal bodily functions feel awkward…immensely awkward…so Readers Beware

Ready:

Think about how you breath…is it slow?…is it loud?…does it make a slight whistle noise when you exhale?…Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? How big of an inhale do you take?...Does you chest move up and down a lot, or a little?
I don’t know…but now that I have made you aware of your breathing…you can’t figure out how to get it out of your mind!
Some of you are now wondering why is your breathing “happening like that!”
Some of you might now be breathing harder or trying to slow the pace…
Some of you might just be holding your breath and panicking…
Or, some of you might do what I did…which is forget how to breath!
I am doing it right now! UGH, my mind has fallen victim to my own writing…
Alright, why am I writing about this…well, because yesterday at church I became completely aware of my breathing and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!

No joke…I was horrified…sure I was probably just being crazy…but I just could not stop what I thought sounded like a mixture of a Vuvuzela and a Light Breeze…

Ok, now, stop thinking about your breathing (if you can)…inhale..exhale…calm…

I was so embarrassed during the mass...I just could not control the idea of “breathing normally”…My brain had went into overdrive to screw with me and then (from what I could remember) I began to pant like a dog…then I couldn’t remember how to breath at all…(which REALLY made matters COMPLETELY worse!)
Now that I know some of you can compare or relate…what else is comparable to the “Noticing your Breathing” awkwardness?…An awkwardness syndrome caused by our brain's ability to act independently with the sole purpose of messing/screwing/fucking with us…

So here are some other examples of Brain Treachery:

The moment when you realize how you actually walk. This one is difficult because many factors come into play and can be perceived as awkward while walking. Next time you stand up take notice of such factors as: Does your walk appear to others as a constant running pace?...Does it look like your hips are running away from the rest of your body? Do you walk on a tilt or perhaps parts of your body lag behind? Do you take tiny or big strides? Do you flail? Do you swing you legs like a puppet? Are you the person who accidentally matches the pace of whoever is walking with you or accidentally creates a new pace…It is very strange…but the next time you walk…suddenly (because of your mind and perhaps this blog post) you might become aware of what your legs are doing (I love my walk…my hips are everywhere…but then again…what else is new)

Another one of my favorite examples (and by favorite I mean…one of the top examples I am horrified of) is what does your “listening face” look like.  We all have a “paying attention” face…the one we slap on in class when we are trying to look interested. Yet, few know what their face looks like when they read or if one is just standing idle…does your mouth gape open…do you squint…do you look ridiculous… Think of it…the next time you stare off into space…what does you face look like when you don’t remember your face is there. I have witnessed my own idle face on accident…it was not a good look…picture a face consisting of an “open mouth, angry wide eyes, and a whole lot of eyebrow at varying hieghts” all while still having a complete blank expression.

I just…I don’t even know…Welcome to the Way the Brain gets back at you for all those thoughts and actions you think go by the wayside…

SCREWING YOU OVER ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME!!!

Anyway...just wanted to write something...
More Posts Coming Soon
Lots of feedback and emails I have to reply to!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

POST NUMERO 29.5: The Evolution of the School Supply List

Matteo Torre

   Proudly Presents....

THE EVOLUTION OF THE SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST
So, the School Supply List changes drastically as the years of education continue and drag on...here (out of sheer boredom) I have compiled a list of examples of what schools are now asking of students...I have chosen the grades that make a huge difference so not every grade is represented...enjoy!

FIRST GRADE


SECOND GRADE


FIFTH GRADE



MIDDLE SCHOOL GRADES


HIGH SCHOOL GRADES


COLLEGE TIME


REAL COLLEGE LIST



Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!
More Posts Coming Soon!!!


POST NUMERO 29: Welcome September, and the New Resolution Month


Just Realized I gave No monthly welcome...what the HELL is wrong with me!
Alright, so it is September...almost October (whoops)...and it may be midway through the month already but September and I have always been indifferent and fine with each other...SO TIME TO GIVE IT AN INTRO!
In fact, September may very well be one of my favorite months…
The temperatures begins to cool…and OF COURSE happy news…the Crap Month of August is DONE!!!
This month for people of all ages is an Exciting one. It is the month that School restarts...which I have always enjoyed in small doses...more when I was a child then now...
With school restarting…I would love to find the ONE person who could honestly tell me that they did not get a SURGE of EXCITEMENT when they would receive their school schedules...and more specifically their school supplies list (I fricking loved those lists...)

However throughout my life the school supply list went from this…
I can't even tell you how much I want these right now!!


To this…
Behind the bottles are a box of crayons and a glue stick

For sports fans September starts Football, Football, Football, and MORE FOOTBALL.

Those reasons aside…I feel that September is the PERFECT time to make some true changes in your life. It is such an optimal time to make resolutions and a fall bucket list.

Readers, some of you might be scratching you head and saying, “Listen Matteo…you know that JANUARY is the resolution/change month ya stupid Bastard!!!!”
Yeah yeah yeah…I know that…but September, in my opinion, feels like a whole bigger adventure then New Years could ever be. So, I am WELL aware of how January is the month where everyone actually starts to brag about there resolutions and life changes but I am telling you readers…start them in September and they Stick!
NOW EVERYONE….ALL TOGETHER NOW…ASK…WHY?!
Alright,
1)      September is a natural redo…it is a restart month…School begins, Jobs recommence, days begin to drag on and nights begin to get cooler. It is just one of those times where you have to accept the fact of how summer is done and real life starts again. So why not start with a new mentality
2)      You begin to realize a schedule and then come to terms with the fact of how important it is to stick to it. For example…school begins and the schedule returns to a monotonous normalcy. However, along with fall comes the adventure and thrill of breaking the schedule (living on the edge)…even if it may mean dire diiiiiiiiiiire consequences.
3)      With cooler weather…comes great weather…. and with great weather comes plenty of time to kick back and relax outdoors…
4)      September can be the “resolution month” with out all the hoopla and pressure of being a “resolution month”. For example if your want to start working out more…you can fly underneath the radar and do it without anyone putting unnecessary pressure on you.
5)      Fall has a natural learning quality to it…as children we became accustomed to leaning new things after summer. We are all pre-conditioned and trained to succeed when we learn that way every year. Think of it as a habit that is hard to break. September is the perfect time to take advantage of this as after baking in the summer months…the brain can be replenished.

All Right time to talk about what to do during September and all the fun UNKNOWN days and why the month is fabulous…
So September is Self Improvement Month! It is also Classical Music month so turn down the bass and turn on the classics…wow September is also “Fall Hat Month” so reader break out your fall hats (what exactly is a fall hat…I know winter hats exist…but fall…hmmm?)… National Courtesy Month (hold a door open and show some polite and humane qualities to others you jerks)…Chicken Month…National Blueberry Popsicle Month (yum)…International Square Dancing Month (YEEEEHAAAAWW!)


Although we already miss it…
September 2nd was “National Beheading Day”
September 5th was “National Cheese Pizza Day”
September 9th was “Grandparent’s Day”

And days to Come…

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day
September 19th is National Butterscotch Pudding Day
September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day
September 22nd is Elephant Appreciation Day
September 22nd is the beginning of Oktoberfest

Break it down now....

ANYWAY, more posts coming soon...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!


Sunday, September 9, 2012

POST NUMERO 28.5: Email from a Fan, and the Difference an "O" makes...

OH! Fun story…While checking the email associated with “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass”  I stumbled upon a very angry and anonymous email from a reader whom complained that I was very ____________ in the way I write (I left it blank because you will see the word I want to write below…can’t spoil it)…here is the email:


“  Youre blog is so Emu an stupid. You rite like Emu Trash! Why do you have to be Emu! I am stopping reading cause all your post the same Emu shit. Why do you write? You should stop writing so Emu and write interesting storys. Your blog sucks an Emu writing is bad.

xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com  ”

HOW CAN I RESIST NOT SHARING THIS!!!
I mean it is tremendous...
I need to find a way to reply...
So, I, in my ability to not be able to reply due to the anonymous quality of the email (and believe me...I tried...I tried reeeal reeeeal hard) will do so in this fashion…so here I go:

Dear Reader,
Oh yes, I apologize to you, o random reader, for the occasional “emu” post. I myself, shudder when I read the underlying angst of how “emu” I can be. Rereading my posts I truly recognize the dark underlying tones when writing about topics such as the Sloppopotamus, and partying. Perhaps that’s a sign of my growing maturity? Perhaps it just shows that I am not grown enough? Perhaps it shows that I write most my blog posts in between commercials or bites of food? PERHAPS, it shows that one night I decided to start a blog in hopes that I can one day have fame, fortune, and an assortment of fine cheeses filling my refrigerator. Either way anonymous reader…I must point out one thing…

THIS IS AN EMU!!!:

However, with the amount of times you called my writings a word describing the native flightless bird of Australia I have come to believe that you did not mean to write that word…perhaps you meant to write “Emo”…perhaps you did not…I would love clarification…until then let me teach you somewhat about the Emu

The plural of Emu is Emus and it is a common mistake to spell them “Emi”or “Emuses.” Emus are soft feathered brown flightless birds…they have thin necks and very thin legs…they are flightless yet have the ability to travel GREAT distances on foot. They run in a very fast trot at an average speed of 40 miles per hour and are mostly nomadic. Emus do not eat great amounts, but, Emus ingest stones, glass shards and bits of metal to grind food in their digestive system. They drink infrequently

So in honesty…I would be proud to be an Emu (except for the Drink infrequently part)

Sincerely,
Matteo Torre
Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass Writer
All-Around-Badass





Keep the emails coming…I love the feed back…also Google allowed me to add in a “REACTIONS” tool where you are allowed to click on if you liked the post or not…I would appreciate any reader’s feedback…anyway...the Reactions Tool looks like this



CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 28:Going Back to Work and Fall Tips


Sometimes, like right now, I suddenly sit bolt upright, shake my head, and scream (in my own head)
WTF am I doing?!?
So as Summer 2012 finishes I realize I have accomplished little or nothing that I had planed…Zippo…nada…zilch…EPPERS!
But don’t worry…I know summer 2013 is fast approaching…along with Christmas…and new years…and DAMN IT this was a suck-tastic summer...

Anyway, I slightly enjoy this time of year because I get flashbacks to when I was younger. Back when a curly haired, innocent, adorable, and non-cynical Matteo used to hop and skip his way to school. Whose idea of “getting wild” was fighting trees during recess. Whom would drool over back to school items and could not wait to going crashing and crackling through lead piles. I really was cute back then…really really cute…but then I grew up and now…ehhhh…such is life…

So now that I am a grown up this time of year primarily means…::drum roll::
GOING BACK TO WORK!!!
And BACK TO WORK I GO!
But, Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?
I spent all summer dreading going back to teaching…however, now that it has started I have begun to get back into the rhythm of it all…why fight the inevitable…
Anyway here are a few Matteo tips to help transition back into the real world and out of summer mode…
1)      Declutter…as soon as Labor Day hits I make it a point to already have cleaned out my room and put away all stuff that rarely comes out during any other part of the year…this includes stuff such as Sun block, extra sunglasses, beach passes, baseball hats, and other “what-evers” that just might bring about that sudden summer mode.
2)      Hide your freaking beach gear…the second that Labor Day comes around I put away all the beach gear…I pack away the beach chairs, beach umbrella, and beach toys and put them all in the basement. I also put the beach towels and blankets back into the closet…With all of it hidden away there is no need to see them as I jet off to work in the mornings and torture my mind with dreaming that I could be lounging around on sand and surf…Out of Site…Out of Mind
3)      The dreaded but necessary switching of the clothing…once again this pains me to do as I organize my stuff and put away my summer clothing…I don’t put them far (just incase I feel like quitting life and running away to some island) but I just reorganize my closet so a pair of jeans is closer for the choosing over a pair of shorts and a pair of sneakers is easier to find then a pair of flip flops. It just makes life easier…plus if you are like me…you can still probably smell the beach and sun on MOST of your summer clothes so it is better to have them away then having them be a fragrant temptress ready to help you freeze your ass off.
4)      Start doing fall things…for example…I planted a pumpkin! (Little joys in life)
5)      Work starts…start working…
6)      School starts…start schooling…
7)      Start the PLEASANT autumn thoughts early: the cooler weather, the autumn colours and smells, the first fire in a fireplace on a crisp autumn evening, the craving for pumpkin soups and pies, the wind rustling through the thinning trees…It is not the brilliant sound of waves crashing or the amazing heat of summer…but autumn has wonderfully vivid moments that you can notice and ENJOY during the commute to work or just when taking a breather…
8)      Switch your drink…trade Corona for Fall Lager, then trade Vodka…with well, VODKA!! (vodka…the season defying drink)
9)      For those still in school and who work till mid afternoon…TRULY UTILIZE the thinning time between ending of school or work and sunset. As fall comes around in my neck of the United States it begins to get dark around 6ish…so for that short time in between I have been trying to go outdoor “hiking” or  “jogging” (I don’t know why I put those words in sketchy air quotes but my fingers did it with out my mind realizing…soooo…my subconscious must be trying to tell me something…)
10)  Stock up on cold medications, and refill ALL necessary sickness combating stuff…this just safeguards for when the day DOES begin to suddenly get colder at night and you get the sniffles
11)  DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS…(I repeat…I planted a pumpkin)…Just do something that you can look forward to after work…work sucks…everyone knows it…but in order to keep sane…plan a few nights out, do a game night, drink and eat…people take an awkward pause because they are all depressed about saying goodbye to summer and then well into fall they actually begin to utilize the season…well blah blah blah…just keep it interesting…and don’t take the break because of work. EVERYONE uses work as an excuse but just use it to heighten the fun at night…
12)  DON’T TALK ABOUT WORK UNLESS YOU ARE AT WORK…my policy when I get home is that “WHEN AT HOME…I DO NOT…IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…TALK ABOUT WORK!!!” Why do I want to ruin my intro to fall by talking about the bastard that is work!...Just leave it out…and use any down time to just enjoy the moment
13)  Some people I have talked to have very awkward limitations on what traditions can be transferred from Summer into Fall…one of the biggest examples of this is I see people lugging in their BBQs while driving home from school…I think that a BBQ is a wonderful way of keeping calm during impending fall and as the work load commences…not everything has a very true start and finish point and a Hamburger is amazing no matter what…so keep BBQing!
14)  So I enjoy being outdoors…the air is just so crisp…but I also pride myself on being a couch potato…soooooo…find something to watch at night so it distracts you…most shows start the first or second week of September so pick something and go with it…it could be a returning show or something new…but it is just nice to find that series or show that you can turn on and rely on to pass time…(come on American Horror Story and come back on!). Some nights I enjoy just going with the flow and picking a show at random (especially if it is a drama it gives me something to think about on the ride to work…)
15)  NO IT IS NOT COLD…it is COLDER! What?! Ok so…as WEEK AGO it was 70…this week it is 65…some how though (and I suffer from it as well) we all think it is suddenly FREEZING outside! However, just bring some layers…it helps at work especially when air conditioners might still be set to max chill. Plus you might be cold because you did not follow tip number 3 and are still running around looking like a beach threw up on you.
16)  Don’t fall for the decoy HOT day…Mother Nature can totally be a bitch at times and make an upcoming day in the upcoming months a very believable scorching summer day…but don’t fall for it and be like YEAH IT FEELS LIKE JUNE! LET’S ALL CAR POOL DOWN TO THE BEACH DURING OUR LUNCH BREAKS! SUMMER IS HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Because it is not…and it won’t be…and it will rather embarrassing and disappointing the next day when you are known as the, “Person who freaked out because of warmth”

I don’t know…I want to give more tips but (aside from sheer lazyness)…basically…even though work has started and summer has came to a close…keep up spirits everyone! Do not make the awkward “womp womp” sad pause and rather just jump in with both feet…anyway…more posts coming soon…now that it is fall I am going to try and write more (what a hollow promise...damn it!)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

POST NUMERO 27: White Noise Machine


Random is my middle name...here is a quick story!

I sleep with a White Noise Machine...Why? Well I use it because of two reasons:

Reason 1) I enjoy it and find it soothing...In my opinion it is common that some noises just fall into the “relaxing category”. One of my favorite things was waiting for the Air Conditioner or for the Central Heat to turn on and I would instantly just pass out because I loved the rumble and hum of it all.

Reason 2) My family wakes up way earlier then I do...so I use the white noise to block out the Italian noise at  5o'clock in the morning. My family would and could never qualify as "quiet"... in fact when they try to be quiet it just...becomes worse...so...sooooooo...much worse.
(Secret Reason 3: It blocks out the other voices in my head…)

So the White Noise machine I use is an APP (which will remain nameless) for my IPOD...
It took a long time but I have found the perfect three sounds that when played in unison make a VERY convincing "rain on roof" sound that just makes me sleep soundly (I think most people enjoy the sound of rain)...how fairly ordinary...
However, the other night I must have accidently rolled over on top of the IPOD or accidently hit it with my hand because I switched it from my harmonious  “rain on roof sound” to a sound described as “chatter”. Now, “chatter” is literally the sound of many people talking in whispers and hushed voices. These hushed voices and whispers can most definitely be perceived as evil hissing and maniacal chanting.
All chattering conversations are different and some are more understandable then others. The conversation that is the clearest is about the weather and the ones you can not understand sound like people chanting out their grocery lists.
Anyway, back to the story…in full “groggy hallucinating sleep mode” I began to realize the change in sound settings. When I was conscious enough to hear the voices I panicked thinking my room was filled with STRANGERS having trivial discussion!
Just imagine it as waking up to the voices of people whispering about meaningless and harmless topics in the darkest corner of your bedroom...spooky right?
WHO THE HELL, finds it pleasant and comforting to fall asleep with the sound of strangers whispering about random topics!?!
(Readers, when I say “whispering”, I repeat,  it is not in a pleasant way…the sound machine “chatter” sounds flat out angry and crazy…picture it as the voices of 20 highly dangerous criminals plotting a bloody and violent escape from prison while trying to not have the guards over hear them)

However I looked at some of the other sounds on the White Noise Machine and I don't understand WHO would EVER be soothed or able to sleep with such horrific noises as:

Branches: Ok, Branches, as a soothing noise, I think should sound like a soft wind rustling through the branches of a tree and making the romantic and soothing "swooshing sound" as the leaves rustle. INSTEAD, Branches sounds like a VERY VIOLENT act of deforestation.

Music Box: I understand that some music boxes have very lovely song choices (I own one that plays the theme from titanic)…but I am a baffled about who could EVER fall asleep while a very HIGH PITCHED and slow version of  “Pop Goes the Weasel” plays again…and again…and again…

Garden: BEES! BEES EVERYWHERE!!!!

Crickets: Ok this one should be renamed “Cricket” because there is only one…just one single cricking chirping…UNLESS (and this just popped into my mind) maybe it is NUMEROUS crickets all chirping at once…deceptive crickets….
I Google Search cricket....here is a picture of a puppy!
 Whisper: Remember in grade school when you friend tried to pass you a note in class and to get your attention….he would go PSSSSSSSH!!! PSSSSSSSSSSSH!!! That is whisper…loud…high pitched…annoying

Anyway…this was a random post…more coming soon!
Happy Casual Wednesday!
Happy Hump Day!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!


Thursday, August 2, 2012

POST NUMERO 26: August is crap, Creamsicles, and Going Crazy

Alright, time to follow the traditions of  "TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS" and usher in a new month...so...let me clear my throat...
AUGUST IS HERE!!! HOORAY!!!!
and by "HOORAY!!!!" I really mean..."THIS MONTH IS CRAP!!!!"

Well, with the way my summer has been going I don't even know how I have made it to this month! In years past, I have always still been away on vacation for the entire month of August. Just a handful of times I have been in the states or at home and all the other summers I have always either been in Italy or Florida or any place but home. So for me this summer is extremely different...

Do not get me wrong, I like being home...I, on occasion, get to see my friends  and have some wild times, I get work done that I normally can't do else where, I am having loads of "family time", and I am even finding ways to further my career. HOWEVER, screw all that because I love being away for August!

With out going away I have realized that August is a useless transition month and I REALLY can't handle it. Turn on the TV and you will see all the "Back to School" commercials and the "Upcoming Fall Television Line Ups" being advertised. Flip through the TV stations and you will literally witness new programs and commercials that ALREADY usher in the upcoming holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas)! August is that month that just wants to pummel you with the fact of how summer is over.

In terms of weather...where I live Mother Nature has given August full permission to be extremely hot, extremely muggy, and extremely capable of causing tropical depressions/ hurricanes.

But maybe I am just biased in my thinking as this summer did not pan out exactly the way I had hoped...

The best feeling in the world (at least for me) was coming back from the extreme heat of Italy and being welcomed into the extremely green and awaiting Fall season...I do not have that this summer so something feels incomplete....

I however would be OK with it if I had done some sort of world wide adventure this summer...but I did not...I barely even left my house for most the summer as I was WAY to busy tending to family and personal matters...
Some of you might be thinking..."SO WHAT?! I stay at home all the time..." but this is incredibly different and serious to me...and this is why:
Staying home is an unknown situation for me...and I may (will) sound spoiled but I have NEVER spent a summer at home...
I think I may have mentioned before that I have spent every summer of my life away in another place. I was gifted with a house in Italy and I loved it and went there every summer with my family. Then life got busier, and since I was a senior in High School it became increasingly difficult to pick up everything and go away as I started finding more and more obligations to keep me tethered to home.
So this sitting around is driving me mad...sitting around however means getting stuff done but all this tending to crap is driving me CRAZY...I literally feel a clock ticking down in my mind as September approaches and I have to restart work...I have done nothing worth while and I feel the time slowly and terribly passing...
So how do I remedy this....well, I do not know... I literally am looking at the level of craziness I am at (If you want a good gauge...the post before this one is all about making friends out of rubber gloves...I am at THAT level of crazy)

So what can we do in August...
Well...
August is National Catfish and Golf Month...
um...what else...OH, August is "Romance Awareness Month"...which helps me NOTHING because I am NEVER aware of romance (remember...I have as much "game" as a rained out baseball tournament")
It is Family Fun Month and National Picnic month...which I guess could be a fun combination!

08/14 is National Creamsicle Day
which some might take to mean this...

But I will take it to mean...


but without this month...we would not have the Olympics...and THE OLYMPICS ARE AWESOME!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!
more posts coming soon!


POST NUMERO 26: Gloddies

THIS POST IS STRAIGHT AND TO THE POINT-LESS
But really it is truly...TRULY...pointless....ENJOY!

When food shopping today I saw something that gave me a huge flashback...
So when I was younger I did not have many friends...I was a strange fat kid who used to fight with trees and I thought I was a dog...(a "what Matteo was like as a child" post will be coming one day...but not now)...anyway...I did not have many friends what-so-ever so I used to make them.
Now when I say "make them" I don't mean in the socially normal way of introducing oneself, playing together, sharing secrets, and doing the whole "friendship thing"...I used to literally make "friends" from rubber gloves...
No joke, I called them my glove buddies or "Gloddies" for short...I thought they were awesome and I named them...there was not a time I did not have one with me or in my backpack. They were my "Show-and-Tell" every freaking time we had "Show-and-Tell".
I was sooooo awkward...but they were my "Gloddies"

Ok, so this was my CRACK growing up...I used to make tons and line them up buuuuuut....and I think this was the point of this post... or maybe I just was this bored...one of these "friends" actually got me in trouble with the cops...YA KNOW, NOT AWKWARD AT ALL!!!  The story is burned into my memory...

So years ago...when I was just a child...I went to the local mall with my mother for some back to school shopping (I think I needed to buy some new elastic waistband pants...I was VERY chubby). I of course could not go alone so I decided to invite along a friend...not just any friend...my squishy, sloshy, and jiggly Gloddie. So, we had just entered the store...my mother and I were going up the escalator and I was literally making my Gloddie go everywhere...until BY ACCIDENT the water filled glove popped. The glove exploded and turned into a projectile...water and plastic raining 3 stories down...from an escalator...DIRECTLY onto an unsuspecting Sales Woman. It was horrifying...and all I could comprehend was the sound of a balloon popping...then nothing...then splash...then scream. Needless to say I turned to my mother, shocked and still holding a exploded rubber glove and all she replied back was, "RUN!...I will meet you at the car"...but by the time I got to the exit the cops had already cornered me...I was banned from the mall for a year and my picture was plastered on the wall of mall security...
sigh, memories of my youth....
SO LET ME TEACH YOU HOW TO "MAKE FRIENDS"!!! (cause ya know, you can't live a full life until you know how to do this!)

What You will need:
- 1 standard rubber glove
- Sharpie/ permanent markers (for decorating)
- Water
- Zero Friends
- Little to no Social Life
STEP ONE:
After Gathering All Materials
Fill Empty Rubber Glove with Water
STEP TWO:
After filling Glove with Water
Tie off the top securely in order
to assure no leaks
STEP THREE:
In order to make decorating easier
dry off excess water from the glove

                                  STEP FOUR: Using the permanent sharpie decorate like a beast...



STEP FIVE:
ENJOY!!!
Anyway...not really sure why I wrote this blog post...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!
more posts coming soon

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

POST NUMERO 25.3: The Michael Phelps Cocktail

I forgot to say that today is Casual Wednesday! In honor of Casual Wednesday I would like to introduce the world to the following Matteo Torre Olympic themed drink:

The Michael Phelps Cocktail

-15oz Jose Cuervo Gold
- 2oz  Jose Cuervo Silver
- 2oz Blue Curacao
- Splash Lemon Jeremiah's Weed
- Splash Pool Water (make sure it is chlorinated)
Shake in a Cocktail Shaker, Garnish with a Laurel Leaf
Pour Over Ice and Enjoy


If you did not understand some of my sarcasm in the above recipe...we could never be friends...BUT ANYWAY...
CONGRATULATIONS MICHAEL PHELPS FOR SETTING THE NEW OLYMPIC RECORD!

(and please don't ACTUALLY drink pool water...or 15oz of Jose Cuervo...)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 25.5: Quick Olympic Advice


now go turn it on...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 25: Olympics part one, and I am back but my computer is crap

This one is going to be quick and painless...

Holy Crap, I have done it again…I have managed to completely and totally neglect my responsibility to write for my adoring (and increasingly angry) fans. Why have I been missing in action…well firstly I am a lazy ass ( I am sure you are aware of this as I type it everytime I am missing for a period of time)…I really am…most times I literally wake up in the morning or get an idea so quickly that I run to my computer and I get all excited but by the time my comp boots up I end up giving up, checking my email, and surfing google aimlessly
I am going to blame a lot of my absence on the fact of how my crap computer is completely and totally incapable of performing tasks…and let me break it down for you
1) My computer takes forever to boot up…it is SLOW…everytime I turn it on it takes about three attempts to start a full boot and then when it does boot up it takes forever to actually allow me to click on ANYTHING…so when I am ready to finally type…the moment and inspiration are gone.
2) My computer is missing keys and a lot of the keys do not work… when I am saying missing keys I am not talking about useless keys that have never been pressed on ANY computer (I.E. "scroll lock" and "~")…I am talking…and I hate to admit this…and it may blow most your minds…the space key on my computer does not work! YES in order to type out this brilliance I have to paste in every single space. YES, LET ME REPEAT,  EVERYTIME YOU SEE A SPACE…I HIT “CTRL + V” AND PASTE IN A SPACE…It has taken the fun out of writing and unless I start making some bank off this blog, get a generous donation, or find a wonderful way to become famous and make money... I am stuck with this computer.
In related news, my computer’s “5 key” and “N key” do not work, so anytime you see an “n” or a “5” it is also copied and pasted…
In other words….THIS COMPUTER HAS BEEN A COMPLETE AND TOTAL NIGHTMARE

SO, if I was typing straight out with out using copy and paste it would look something like this (allow me to use a verse from 12 days of christmas)

 “ OthethdayofChristmas,
Mytruelovegavetome,
GoldeRigs,
4CalligBirds,
3Frech Hes,
2TurtleDoves,
AdaPartridgeiaPearTree  “

I am seriously losing my mind with all these missing and broken keys…so my head has not been completely into the typing lately…

Also my computer has become the family computer because our other computer broke (yes that is right...this computer is the GOOD computer). With four people sharing one computer I have not had much time to sit and contemplate blog posts.

Secondly, lots of tradegy and crap has fallen upon the house of Torre…I promised this would not be a gloom and doom type of blog so I will keep the details to myself but just know that the Torre Family (whoever we might be) could use a ton of prayer right now. ANYWAY...

Thirdly, HOLY CRAP THE OLYMPICS HAVE TAKEN A HOLD OF ME!!!! I have been so engrossed with it that I can not stop watching…no matter what the sport... I have been glued to the tv set. I think I said in the first post I ever made that “world sporting events” such as the Olympics, and the World Cup are my favorite things to watch. I love the idea of countries competing and already having the best of the best athletes being showcased. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! (this came out in a demon like voice).
Anyway, the games showcase so much talent...talents that I will never have... so I enjoy living through the fantasies saying HEY I could TOTALLY do that! Here are my other top reasons of why I enjoy the Olympics...
1)      The “IT IS ALL ABOUT THE COUNTRY” aspect…think about it…the athletes are not just competeing for themselves they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. It is amazing watching the athletes stand on the podium and sing the national anthem of their country as EVERYONE tears up. It doesn’t matter if maybe you don’t like the athlete but you sure as hell like your country!
2)      The Opening Ceremonies, and seeing countries go ALL OUT in ringing in the beginning of the Olympic games. It’s always fun to see all the athletes marching in …waving their country’s flag… pretending people actually know ANYTHING about their count. I mean come on, you learn so much geography as you go through the parade of nations…usually this geography lesson happens when you stumble upon the country with all consonets in its name and you scream out.. ”WAIT, THAT IS A COUNTRY!?!” or “ WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”
NOW ENTERING....FTNTBSKWNDL!!....

3)      Ok, everyone is just so damn good looking…even the “bad looking” ones are still highly attractive or redeemable…you do not become an olympian with out some sort of physical activity to keep you fit. In honesty however, those who might not be high up on the attractive scale could easily snap someone in two, shoot you, filet you with a sword, or pong you to death…so I will challenge anyone to tell them, “hey, you are not that good looking!”  I mean example… OW OW!
yeeeeeeeeahhhhh....


4)      CHEERING!...everyone cheers…cheer on your team, and everyone, no matter what, has someone to cheer for!!!!

So many more reasons…I just get overwhelmed even typing them…I will put up more…when I am not so EXCITED!!!!!!!

ANYWAY...hmmmm what to type...let me type...

What else have I been doing...OH...interviews...trying to find my dream job! I just am trying to get it done...this whole work crap thing! Blech...

I will be back soon...
In  a little bit...I am going to write my "IT IS AUGUST!!!" post...although I am hating it because that means here comes work again...

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!
welcome August!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

POST NUMERO 24: Sparklers and Shower Drinking!


Firstly, Happy belated birthday America!!  It was a fun family filled day followed by best friend Kayla coming over at night with SPARKLERS!!! I had a major Sparkler craving for weeks and it was all I wanted for that day…sparklers…I love…sparklers…the way they sparkle…the fire!...I wish I had more…but anyway HAPPY BELATED 4th OF JULY!!!

So, I realized today when looking at my blog that the ads around my words of wisdom (excuse me…let me rephrase...my GENIUS, FUNNY, TERRIFIC, POETIC, WONDERFUL, AND INSPIRING words of wisdom) all have to do with “Alcohol Rehab”. Every single one is about substance abuse… very interesting…so for the next few posts I am going to be trying some new and random posts to see if I can change the ads…or randomly throw in something to see if I can really switch up the ads. Not that I am against the ads…seek assistance if you feel so…I just feel somewhat “kill-joyed” by these adds…especially when I look on other blogs and they have such awesome colorful stuff (although nothing beats the first ad that appeared on my blog for “COCK” the musical)

Secondly, Happy Anniversy Torre Parents!!! 26 Years and still Arguing like typical Italians…I would list a bunch of sappy and beautiful things here but I fell down the stairs earlier when I went to say “Happy Anniversy” to them…so the bruise on my ankle is dedication enough.

Thirdly, Happy Birthday Shelly!!!! Even though it was numerous day ago you are an awesome person and I would list a bunch of stuff about you but I am not going to.

Fourthly, Happy Graduation Jackie!! Just had to say it again!

Ok anyway, 2 great things…2 very amazing great awesome things…Cleanliness…and Drunkeness. I love to be clean. I love to clean. I love to smell nice. I love to drink my drink and drank my drank. Put the two together and you have…DRINKING IN THE SHOWER!
Now readers, I know some of your might have gasped and said…”ALCOHOLISM!” but I am telling you now…try it…it is amazing!  The first time I tried it was in my junior year in college…changed my life forever. The coolness of the drink…the cleaning factor of the shower…the warm cascade of water. Two of my favorite things occuring in unision…cleanliness and drunkenness

OK, so how to succeed in “Shower Drinking” relies on some very basic steps and rules
Number 1) Try to avoid glass and stick with cans…duh… It took a somewhat long time for me to move onto mixed drinks by bringing in the cocktail shaker into the shower and successfully make a drink…I am kidding…but it did take a long time to move onto mixed drinks.  It is hard to keep water and soap out of the drink and still act calm and collected when exfoliating and re-shampooing. It was nice…take a sip…put it down…no fuss. Also avoid glass for the sheer purpose of how it might be hard to explain to people how you stepped on glass when kicking back a few in the shower. My main choice for shower drinking is an old fashioned classic Budweiser in a can (also known to me as “Hillbilly” beer…but I will write about that in another post). Yes, with the canned Budweiser It was great because I knew if I dropped it at least I would not end up in the emergency room.
Number 2) Always remember which hand has the drink..and which one has the soap. You never want to mix up the two…In the delight that is shower drinking you may become completely and totally calm and end up taking a big chug of conditioner (but don’t worry bottles of soap normally come with Poison Control’s number on the back of the label)
Number 3) Do not be a shower Sloppopotamus!!! This is just a calming thing…it is great when done in a relaxed manner, a shower is supposed to be relaxing so keep it calm…not a frat party!
Number 4) Soap does not taste good so drink with care
Number 5) Soap is slippery…CAUTION as sometimes drinking may cause a slippery sensation…the two together might end up in a VERY slippery situation

And finally

Number 6) Enjoy the moment.
kaylaz
RUB-A-DUB-DUB...DRINKING IN THE TUB!

Anyway. Someone pointed out to me that my last two posts have been about Nudity and Nakedness and other stuff….well what can I say…except…HAPPY NUDE RECREATION WEEK EVERYONE!!!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!
more posts coming soon!

The artwork is made by the amazing Kayla again...look for more coming soon...she is brilliant and has an amazing eye and ability!