Monday, October 21, 2013

POST NUMERO 43: Haunted Houses, and Surviving the Horror

Hello readers, guess what time it is?…IT IS HALLOWEEN prep time!…
Yes, that’s correct readers…Halloween is right around the corner and it is time for me to get into the spirit…and how better to “feel the fright” then to blog about if from the safety and darkness of my room…
So, last night I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got on the topic of “Haunted Houses”…
“Haunted Houses” are such a typical Halloween attraction to find lurking around town or at the local “Harvest Festival” that they have become synonymous with “Halloween Fun”. In fact when people look for fun things to do for Halloween, haunted houses are inevitably top of the list.

If you can believe...the house on the right is the haunted one...

Now, being that I am a joyless indecisive person, I’m torn on whether I enjoy haunted houses….. With their costumed players, spooky music and darkened rooms, they present a great way to get the daylights scared out of you…all while spending time with your friends or family…
However, when I truly break it down in my mind I just DON’T seem to see how Haunted Houses can be “fun”…

My reasoning is as such…What sadistic bastard decided that walking through a dark house/barn/mansion was a good way of spending quality time with friends?… When did walking through a booby-trapped house of horrors become something fun to do on a October Friday night?
Think about it…you are essentially voluntarily walking into what some would call, “Hell”.

However, honestly, I find a certain allure in them…I find them exhilarating with all the guaranteed fear-in-your-face special effects, animation, and Hollywood-style sets that even the cheapest of haunted houses will have. I do not take for granted the safety in organized uncertainty…it makes my tiny heart race.

However I understand that some do not like this feeling of an impending heart attack while stuck in a dark room. Some House of Horrors have zombies, demons, vampires, psycho killers, and the living dead creeping around every corner…this can cause some haunted houses to be a little too freaking scary, and a little too FREAKING suspenseful for some.

So if you're wondering how you can get through a haunted house without running out halfway through, then here are some of my tips for you readers that will help you when you are dragged along to your “Halloween Night of Fun.”

  1. The Name of the Game is In the Name: HINT HINT readers…the name gives a hint of what you should expect…follow this trend readers…
    -Petting Zoo: A place where you can PET what one can assumer ZOO animals
-Fun House: A house filled with fun
-Water Park: A place that involves water and is recreational like a park

Don’t walk in thinking that it is going to be filled with fluffy bunnies, unicorns, and rainbows…you are pretty much paying for the scare…so Don’t be stupid and walk into it asking “How scary is this?” or the ever more popular and generic, “Is it Scary?” If you are looking for something tame try “Bunny Land” (Unless you have Leporiphobia…then just don’t leave the house…)
  1. Ok, so you are one of the hundreds of unfortunate souls, dragged to the haunted house by their friends, you are too scared to even think about the horrors that wait inside…you’re friends are all waiting for you at the entrance of the Haunted House…basically you are hating life. Well stop, because now would be the perfect time to Determine whether you really want to do this or not. If you're somebody who gets easily scared to the point of no return then you may just end up getting badly scared (or scarred for life) and not enjoying yourself at all. Seriously, most of us are grown ass adults of sound mind and judgment so put on your big boy pants, make a choice, and shut the hell up. Make a mental check list or debate the pros/cons with the other voices in your mind (wait, WHAT?! You don’t have other voices?!?!) till you definitely know you want to do this. It's okay not to and it doesn't mean that you're a "chicken" (it might make you a bit of a pansy…but not a chicken). You just didn't want to do it.
  2. Scared and Scarred are almost the same word…ONE “R” MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!! Think about it…Do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you might be Scarred for life?! Some people legit have big fears of being scared. They don’t like it…it is ok to be one of those people…Don’t risk being scarred for life.
  3. The World is Closer then It seems… Stay close to reality. If you start to get really scared, then calm the fuck down and remind yourself that this isn't real. Tell yourself that it's just pretend, and that it's provided for your “enjoyment”. Look around you…take a deep breath…and center yourself. Think past the moment…what are you doing when you getting out of the place…dinner…drinks…drinks…drinking…more drinks?
  4. Read the Rules and Listen to the People… They are there for a reason and give you hints of what might happen…Be very leery of the Haunted Houses that say “Actors may touch you but you may not touch the actors”…because, ya know, you will be touched and not have the ability to “Knock a Bitch out!”
  5. Go with someone close to you and you're comfortable around. That way, when/if you get scared, you can hold onto each other. Plus, things don't seem as scary when you've got a friendly face by your side. Go in a group. Things can be scarier when it's just two or three people--you feel more helpless. Try going with a group of at least four (so you can freak out in pairs and are covered in all directions)--things will be more fun and it won't be as scary. As a rule of thumb…take friends that you would not be afraid to fart in front of (what?!...this comment is shocking for me to make). Haunted House fear/ embarrassment has to be on par with…ya know…what I said before… Also, if you go with your best friends and everyone reacts poorly then there is no potential blackmail
  6. Don’t Let your guard down but relax and have fun: The last moment is always the worst…When you’re exiting the house that is when they hide the worst scare…they let you seem free and then BAM crazy chainsaw wielding maniac… Enjoy yourself. Don't run around totally freaked out and screaming. Calm down, and enjoy everything--the suspense, the effects, etc. Remember that the only reason the haunted house exists is so that people can have a fun time. So let yourself get spooked--enjoy it!
  7. When planning to attend a Haunted House think about your attire: The shoes are especially important, think comfort. Also a hoody or hat to hide your face from the action might help the truly overwhelmed…
  8. Realize your surroundings are bigger then they appear: When walking through dark, confined spaces know that the haunted house is built so that you will not hit your head or fall down, you can walk with confidence (unless you are a naturally clumsy person). This is because of safety reasons for everyone. This space provides enough room for crowd reaction and gives ample room to avoid contact with the staff (I call it the swing’n’miss zone…in clearer terms, enough room where the actor scaring you runs no risk of being punched in the face!)

Anyway, Screw the zombies, murderers, and blood…the scariest thing for me at any Haunted House is the Strobe Lights…HA! #epilepsy

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


Sunday, October 13, 2013

POST NUMERO 42: Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin

NOT. EVEN. GOING. TO. APOLOGIZE! (for not writing...)
Welcome Back to Me…

Excuse this post if it makes little sense…I am writing it whilst having an argument with my Father…nothing big…but He wants to store the outside plants in my room during the colder months and I…well…I don’t really want that to happen so…no…

Guess what Readers…it’s the most beautiful time of the year…FALL IS HERE!
Sigh... got to love it…

Fall is the best and frankly if you disagree then you need to reassess your autumnal regimen… think about it…
There are pagan rituals to partake in…
Bon Fires/ Falò to be had…
Football to watch…
Fruits and gourds to be harvested…
Flannel to be Worn…
And of course, Seasonal Beverages to Sample… HURRAY "FALL-CAHOL"!!
Fall has something for everyone!

There something universally incomparable about the peaceful transition from summer to winter… So, that’s it folks…time to unpack the winter coat and switch to hot beverages because autumn has arrived!
Come on now...Moose and Color...Fall!!!

The weather…With the exception of the freak chill happening from time to time (or the past two years when those natural disasters happened (gulp) ), the weather is gorgeous. The leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you happen to be the woodsy outdoorsy type, then there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else. If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds… and if you are a couch potato fat ass like myself…then your imagination and wait is over as all the new television shows premiere and you say so long to Summer reruns (Welcome back American Horror Story and Walking Dead!)

So, are you excited? I’m excited! Fall means: pumpkins, alcohol, cozy clothes, red wine, savory foods, alcohol, gorgeous fall leaves, alcohol, crisp air, bad habits in the shade, and HALLOWEEN, and everything else that is amazing! I went out to indulge in a mental break and just wanted to cry tears of joy because summer was finally over and the air was brisk.

(Is anyone else freaked out by how happy I seem in this post…don’t worry I’m sure I will get creepy and hostile again…hey look…here I go…)

However…let me give some reasons why I hate fall…

Every single fucking thing that you eat is flavored like pumpkin or pumpkin themed. Now, don’t get me wrong, some pumpkin-flavored things are amazing and totally worth the love:
Pumpkin Pie? Cool.
Pumpkin Muffins? Cool.
Pumpkin Potato Chips? No.
Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts? Hellllll-to-the-no!
Pumpkin Spice Vodka…? I don’t know…I’m torn…It is vodka…so either way it’s good

But pumpkin spiced everything? You food producers have got to take a pumpkin-sized chill pill and keep some products safe from being pumpkinized…

I can not stand Pumpkin Spice Lattes...Seriously, Calm the Fuck Down you Pumpkin Spice Latte Freaks!! I just can’t handle it…it is not so much the drink…but more the bastardization of the pumpkin spiced latte that makes me want to take a sledgehammer to a pumpkin patch. Holding onto a Starbucks Generic “PSL” suddenly makes coffee seem like a new and exciting creation…Well Guess what kids…it’s coffee with cinnamon…Somewhere in the world thousands of individuals are uploading photos of steaming hot mugs of "PSL" to theirs Instagrams…and guess what folks.. that Pumpkin spiced latte looks like EVERY OTHER DAMN CUP OF COFFEE EVER MADE! (I’m going to write more about this in a moment…I sound damn crazy)

I guess the biggest reason of why I can’t stand Fall (Jeeze, maybe I don’t like fall as much as I thought)… Fall comes with the idea that you wont see a breath of life in the world for another six months…after Fall comes the Winter…the Winter is cold and lifeless…wait…scratch that last statement…my biggest reason is that I hate Scarecrows and they seem to be everywhere during this damn seasons …stuffed bastards…spooky stuffed bastards!

Ok, So anyway…back to the “positive happy” Fall…
I really have been bogged down with work…nothing too exciting happening on the home front…
I am finally writing the second saga of the “Slut-o-ween” (I forgot what I called it last year)… so I’ll post that soon (I promise).

So, In Short Readers… Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin...

There are still 18 days left to realize and reconsider that Fall is a AMAZING season.  You have plenty of time to enjoy the foliage and gentle autumn breeze...  There's still time to meet friends at an outdoor patio somewhere to enjoy the last vestiges of sun until March.  Halloween is still more than two week away--more than enough time to get creative about a costume and figure out how to make it happen….

In short, there are still plenty of chances to except that Fall is the best and to enjoy it before winter arrives.

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


Friday, August 2, 2013

POST NUMERO 41: The Calender Post Returns!

So…guess what has not happened in a long time…
A calendar post…
So…guess what this post is about…

Readers…I’ll be honest…I don’t know where most of you live so, Tomorrow/Today/Yesterday/Etc. is the first day of August…

Frankly August…I don’t think I like you much…
I like you August…but I don’t like you August…It is not me…it’s you…
August…I don’t understand you…
I did not understand what I wrote either…
I will admit my indifference to August…I don’t know…I just don't know if I like it or not...

So, why the indifference? I believe it stems from my life being crap…just kidding…it stems from the fact of how I am not a “complete summer minded person” and the fact of how my life is currently in limbo  (and also because my life is crap).

Here is some of my reasoning…
1) I love the weather, but hate the heat I am a weather snob. I am incredibly picky about my weather and when it is too hot or humid I turn into a terrible person (or, more of a terrible person). August in New Jersey is just hot…hot…and hotter. It is the damn hottest month of them all! I can not stand the New Jersey heat, however I love “Vacation Heat”. I can stay outside for hours in the sweltering temperatures if I am in Florida or back in the home country (Italy). I think it is because in Florida and Italy I am never more then an arms length (with cigarette extension) away from a Pool to dive into or a Ocean to float around in…
Here in Jersey though…I have nothing…No beach, no pool, just the water hose…SO HOT OUTSIDE!
2) August you are a necessary snoozefest August is a lazy ass month…it is just sooooo lazy… Need Proof of how lazy it is, I bet you are currently reading this with your computer balanced on your stomach, next to a list you made of stuff you should have done this summer, as you half-watch an old Friends rerun with one end of a straw in your mouth and the other in a can of something cold…wait, maybe that is just me…
Now I am not opposed to this Laziness, and I am perfectly OK with the fact of how August is the perfect time for laziness…But seriously what else is happening/ what else are you going to do today. If you so much as poke a finger outside then you are drowned in an ocean of sweat and humidity… But, I love being lazy…
3) The result of necessary seclusion By this point in the summer…nothing is really happening in the outside world…There are no good movies playing, all magazines and stores are dedicating themselves to fall and back to school, the malls are probably displaying Christmas stuff by now, and the beach...I repeat…it is hot! It is the “stay indoors month” You have eleven other months to be social, move your legs, and inhale non-conditioned air…
4) Wind through my Willows In my house we don’t use Air Conditioning…if you want to cool down you have two options…lay underneath a fan and relax…or STFU! I however carry around an electric fan with me plugging it in everywhere I go…
5) Back to School Buzz…for Kids= hell, and for parents= THANK GOD!
6) Losing my bare necessities I give up bad habits due to family vacation…this is probably one of the biggest reasons… August is “Torre Family Vacation” Month…There for truly again my I nature I turn into a complete and total Angel. I bottle up every craving and bad habit and usually flip out somewhere around September…THIS IS THE BIGGEST REASON WHY I CAN’T STAND AUGUST… I’ll elaborate in a future post…
7) Losing my mind counting down the days I am not doing anything and just mope around all day. I even took the time to make a list of things to do before September arrives and I have completed nothing. It was stupid of me to work during the summer when I did not truly have to…but it is almost done and I spend my after work hours taking naps and sitting underneath my fan wonder which way the damn blades should go…

So August is known for many things…
Firstly as a Month it is both “Family Fun Month” and “Admit You’re Happy Month”… (HEY LOOK!, two reasons why I should dislike August…)

Food and drink wise it is “National Catfish Month”, “Peach Month”, “National Picnic Month”, and “Water Quality Month” …love me some peaches and water…

Health wise…It is STD Awareness Month, Romance Awareness Month (STDs and Romance…Silly August), and National Eye Exam Month

The 3rd is National Mustard Day
The 8th is “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day”…which I assume is an Innuendo (giggity)
The 12th is “Acknowledge your Middle Child Day”…which is the only time you should acknowledge them, so, use it wisely middle children of the world!
The 21st is “National Old People Day”
And on the 29th…the ever important, “Use Herbs not salt Day” …which I assume is code for something illegal…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


Thursday, July 25, 2013

POST NUMERO 40.5: Whodunnit?

Don't get to excited...This is just a little blurb because I want some emails about this topic!, 

I never really talk about TV but I have found my "cracked out" show for this summer holiday…

Really Quickly…does anyone watch the Show “Whodunnit”? If not I suggest you do…it is so hilariously terrible that it is actually fun to watch… If you haven’t been watching Whodunnit, then you've been missing out on some of the campiest, crappiest, most ridiculous reality television in TV history (and believe me…I hate reality TV). If anything you have to watch it because of these few images….

So much Plaid...So much Huddling

The face of a true detective

Da Fuq?!...speechless

What is “Whodunnit”…It's a reality show about 13 contestants in a mansion and one of them is the killer. The contestants solve clues on how the victim was killed. The person with the most inaccurate testimony gets killed off.

Just making a suggestion to my faithful and not so faithful readers...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


POST NUMERO 40: I hate singing children, and KidzBop is torture

So, have a confession to make that not many people know about me…

I really dislike when children sing…

So why am I finally admitting this…because I just watched an ENTIRE show dedicated to finding the toddler version of Beyonce…it was the type of show where children are belting out high notes and butchering the world’s most famous songs all while looking like they are being held hostage by their parents. This was the kind of show where parents say stuff like, “Little Susie was born to sing…she was actually a singing fetus…instead of crying when my wife gave birth, Little Susie came out singing Celine Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On” (these are somewhat realistic quotes from the show…)
Needless to say if I took a shot every time there was a “tone deaf moment” I would pretty much look like this right now…
I would be so Drunk that I can't even express how drunk I'd be in photo...hence censored...

I just really hate when children sing!

--Ok, I just reread the amount of times I used the word “hate” next to the word “children”…and before the world rises up and calls me a terrible person (or MORE of a terrible person) I think I need to rephrase and give some reasoning behind my words… --

Firstly, PLEASE NOTE that I’m not saying that I hate the actual kids who are singing. I love kids, and I teach them daily. I think kids are great and cute at times…I truly think kids are absolutely amazing and my job would be nothing and hollow with out them…

So let me break it down…I love kids…I just hate when the kids sing. I love the noun…hate the verb…I don’t hate the player…I hate the game…GET IT?!

For example…It doesn’t matter if the kid singing is an amazing angelic child, or a demon child but either way…if he/she is singing a song… instant dislike.

I think I have this crazy quirk for a few reasons…
1) If the kid is terrible…it is terrible…and there is NOTHING we can do about it. For example, NO ONE is cruel enough to go up to a parent after the school recital and be like…”Listen, your son is tone deaf, has little talent, and totally ruined every part of that song” nope…because if someone did that…this would happen:
All because of honesty...
You can literally hear the one guy screaming, "TAKE IT BACK!!"

…instead we are subject to singing children and have to smile and nod in order to be part of society.

2) If the kid is good at singing, somehow it’s even worse. First of all, I find it flat out annoying watching some 6 year old go all Christina Aguilera or Celine Dion with the vocal dramatics. If they are good, so be it …but most the time little kids sound like cats in heat… Secondly, for some reason I get incredibly awkward out to realize that small children are way more talented then I’ll ever be (but that is a post for another night)
3) I repeat…most kids sound like a bag of cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat mixed with a screeching car horn… It is just hard to listen to…
4) Usually the kids are singing in a show or recital…and shows in preschool and early elementary school years are always put on exclusively for the parents—at the kids’ expense. I can not help but wonder why when I was a young curly haired Matteo I let someone dress me up in a fish costume, and physically prompt me to sing and do hand motions. I realized I most have looked like a puppet, and an unhappy one at that…I remember the song also…

Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day And seen the little fishes swimming in the bay With their hands in their pockets and their pockets in their pants Doing the hoochy koochy dance
Damn it…if little me had the same attitude as grown up me…SHIT WOULD HAVE WENT DOWN!!!! Firstly, the fuck is that song… Secondly, fish do not have pockets or pants,…and Lastly, Hoochy Koochy sounds like a potential way of getting an STD…

5) A prime example of Children Singing…KidzBop…KidzBop is the ruination of music and perhaps one of the harsher punishments in hell… for those who don’t know the horror that is “KidzBop” …KidzBop is a series of CD’s packed with Billboard’s most overplayed songs…the catch is…each song is sung by children with high-pitched voices, whom are either on some sort of pep pills, or on a bootlegged version of Ritalin. KidzBop is censored to an extreme amount changing lyrics in order to make it “children friendly” and adds in the sounds of children laughing, and having fun to make it more pleasant and appealing for listeners… it is the soccer mom’s go to attempt to make most of today’s music suitable for sing alongs, and young children. The censorship leads to the butchering of good songs or crap songs alike. KidzBop is a huge reason why I hate when children sing! The commercials alone put me into a crazy rage…

The one kid is dressed like Freddy Kruger...
6) It is always the same damn songs…kids sing the same song over and over again…
            - Here Comes the Sun
            - The National Anthem (this one I hate most of all when sung by children)
            - Yankee Doodle (I have a traumatic story about Yankee Doodle…one day I’ll write about it)
            - The Itsy Bitsy spider
            - Stop in the Name of Love (don’t mock it…I’ve sung it)
            - When you Need a Friend
I would maybe enjoy it a little bit more if we got some hardcore rap up in the recital…or some thrift shop…something other then “this land is your land”…something uncensored where the parent’s want to smile but can’t because they would look like terrible parents.
7) Hilariously enough, kids at young ages don’t sing…they shout…the whole point is to shout louder then the person next to you…try it, it is fun to do in public!
8) It is an exploitation of cuteness…

Anyway, I am tired and don’t know why I ranted about this for so long…kind of lost my mind a little…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


Saturday, July 13, 2013

POST NUMERO 39: Cleaning out my Pages! Children's Books, That time in the Check out Line, and Hat Topics

Ok...So this isn't the longest amount of time I have been away...but still I apologize for the lagging nature of my posts...I hope I am not THAT big of a let down…but believe me…I am awesome either way! So, this post is not really a post but rather I am trying to clean up some of the pages in my book… Purge some of the pages, condense my random doodles, and delete some of my crap so that way I can start fresh and clean with no more half pages (I freaking hate HALF PAGES!).

To catch you up quickly…it has been a shit show around here…no great stories or details. No big life changing events. Just me being me. Here are the things you missed out on in the span I was gone:
1)      The cicadas arrived
2)      The cicadas left
3)      I finally enjoy Seltzer Water (vodka helped)
4)      My garden has grown into a Basil Wonderland
5)      I bought new jeans that I hope will not become crotchless anytime soon (huge accomplishment)
6)      I decided to give up my summer and work all year long (I hate this entirely)
7)      I was reunited with my best friend
8)      I made a new friend
9)      I learned the TRUE reason of why I DO NOT have “Heat Vision”
10)  I have watched the following films on repeat because they are constantly on HBO,
a.       The Dark Knight Rises
b.      Pitch Perfect
c.       All the Scream Movies (1 and 4 being my Favorite ones)
d.      The Lizzie McGuire Movie

WOW, my exciting life!!!

Anyway, biggest thing to take away currently is that I am working the summer session so I truly don’t get a break and I have been really pissed off about not getting to enjoy summer in the ways I normally do.

So as I said…here are some random posts I started but did not finish...clearing out my writing closet!

For example…I don’t remember when I wrote this or what gave me the idea…but here is a short list of:

Terrible Children’s Book Ideas

-          Pushing and Shoving and 98 other Games to play on the Jungle Gym
-          The Milkman is your Daddy
-          John Jumped on the Bed with The Ceiling Fan On
-          Everything is a Toy…how to use your imagination to make the most fun out of knives, matches, and what is locked in the cabinet
-          Welcome to the Tea Party Mr. Dahmer
-          Lizzie Borden’s Tool Time
-          Bullies have all the Fun
-          Fire, Fire, Burn
-          Vegetables are Gross, Fruits are Grosser
-          Your Parents Love You…but not as much as they should
-          Rule Breakers Rule
-          Crime for Children
-          Mommy Loves You, by Satan Loves you More
-          Goodnight Moon, Goodbye Enemies
-          All Animals are Friendly
-          Sharing is for Losers

-          Racial Slurs A-Z

Another half finished Post... I don’t know what day this was…but I do remember the incident and where it happened.:

" Anyway, Story of the Day…
Sometimes I really can’t stand people. I KNOW I make commentary all the time and I try to censor myself…but some people are just sooooo stupid with the things they say.
Here is my example for the Day:
I am waiting in line at the store (guess what I was buying… the answer ryhmes with “falcahol”) and I allowed the woman who was in back of me to skip ahead of me while I located my wallet. She was struggling to get stuff out of her cart so I decided to help her out and aide her to lift her stuff out of the cart. She said nothing and stared at me.
I am not going to lie, I was expecting a “thank you” and was thinking that she was just building up the courage to tell me what a fine respectable young man I am…but you know what I got instead…

::drum roll::
“You look like this terrorist I saw on the news…”

Yes…you read that right…the woman I just helped…Likened my resemblance to a “terrorist”…
However, in her defense, it was not an accusation…She did it completely dead pan, with a great deal of disinterest. I was shocked!…
What she said is the equivalent of someone sneezing and instead of saying “bless you” saying, “WOW, you look like Jeffery Dahmer”  "

And Finally...another random half finished post...I think this one was written relatively recently:

"   So, Firstly…thank you everyone (including my coworkers) for the amazing feed back on my last post. I wrote it from the bottom of my teeny tiny little heart (I know I have one way deep down inside underneath all the anger). It was the only way I could think of where I could unleash some of my thoughts in a easy manner. I am kind of drained from last night!

Anyway, it is Sunday…it has been a LONG week and an EXTREMELY short weekend…Three birthdays, visiting family and friends, tons of work, and constantly studying for two REALLY important tests…I miss when Sundays meant Cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats) and Church…now, Sunday means me crying in the fetal position on top of a book and Church! Hooray!

I am going to pick a random topic out of my hat…

The first piece of paper I pulled out says the word “Cheese” and the second one says “Music”…haha this is why I never use the hat…

I find it amazing how much cheese people eat when it is cubed or on a tray…people will literally eat a block of cheese without realizing and with little effort. For some reason the fact of how it is square and has a toothpick sticking out of it negates the fact of how every cube is a piece of a bigger brick of cheese…
I love cheese.

I have not used my CD player in a long looooooooooong time. However, the other day I found some old CDs I had burned myself. I was overcome by curiosity and had to listen to what, “Matteo’s Summer 2005 Italia Beats” contained. Long Story Short, my taste in music in the year 2005 was banging!!! I was impressed that I could remember all the lyrics and I may or may not have Eiffel65 as my ring tone currently…yes, that is the same band that sung “I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die” (go ahead and YouTube it…you know you want to)        "

It feels good to clean out some of these pages...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…


Tuesday, April 30, 2013


Haha...this was the photo that started it all on this blog...or one of them...
Oh, and a year ago today I started this blog...sooooo TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS TURNS 1 TODAY!!
I am going out to celebrate...later readers!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…



Saturday, April 27, 2013

POST NUMERO 38: The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2, and Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell

So, The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2

So, I hope you liked the last post because 83% of this post is about my face!...if you don't want to read about my eyebrows and just want to skip down to the part about "getting fired" scroll down to wear it says "WARNING" in bold. If you want to skip right to my advice and deep thoughts read the bold paragraph (although I suggest reading it all...and more...and going back into posts...)

So, I mentioned I have “murderer eyebrows”…and rereading yesterday’s post I realized that most of you probably gasped and wondered “WHAT THE HELL?!
So before you start contacting your local authorities to report me for being some sort of “caterpillar browed” psycho…let me explain!:
I have this strange kind of allure…I blame it on my eyebrows. People LOVE me and at the same time I terrify some…I can slide from charming to crazy-ass-scary with just a small tilt of my head. Why?, because of my eyebrows…It is like my pretty man face (pretty man face?) has a darkness hidden deep within my brow bone…dun dun dunnnnn…
It even scares me how if I position my face slightly downward, glance upwards, and furrow my brow a bit I instantly become sinister! Insta-Satan! I qualify my “pretty man face” (why do I keep calling my face that!) as one you would not want to see in a dark alley with deceptive lighting…
I started realizing this fun little personality trait when I used to be a thespian (IT MEANS ACTOR!)
When I used to act I was always typecast into two different roles:
1) The Father Figure: Having a constant five o’clock shadow made me look older then most and I present myself as older so it somewhat fits
2) The Evil Dude: If there was a bad guy…I was him

I was never the comedic relief or the fun guy…and I never EVER was the young character.
But yeah…It was the eyebrows…they just add in a fuzzy creepiness to my “pretty man face” (again?!)
So I think I want a change...what happens if I do this…
Can barely notice my brows anymore...

Better?, Less Noticeable?, I think so!

Time to change the topic…I know…the eyebrow thing was SO interesting that you want me to go on and on about it…but sadly I can not…

I’ve been thinking lately…

This is going to be somewhat serious…and it is dedicated to my coworkers

When the “work friend” becomes a “real friend.” (no romance involved)
Here it is…
The daily grind brought us together. The Nine to Five (or rather 8:15- 3:15) was our hang out. We swapped stories while in the staff lounge, made trivial conversation around the water cooler, and we cracked jokes while pretending to do our jobs. In the beginning we were STRICTLY work friends. We share the bond of paperwork, meetings, and problems. We were just both there working in the same place at the same time and it just worked.

Suddenly a change happens…a spark ignites…small changes begin to occur. We begin to use sincere voices when speaking to each other. When swapping stories we REALLY laugh in comparison to the awkward breathy noises we made before. We begin to feel sad when everyone is sad, happy at accomplishments, and we start to ACTUALLY care for coworkers. We begin to watch out for each other and help out when we can without having to be asked and without a need for words...
Then one day you see coworkers outside of the workplace….maybe you grabbed a drink, maybe you were invited to a happy hour, maybe you found an empty parking lot to hang out in during lunch breaks, maybe you realized that your coworkers think just as many naughty thoughts as you do…suddenly you stand there and say… holy crap, we are now friends!
Well guess what happened…
Take a guess… cause you did it…you became REAL friends…
You converted a work friend into a real friend! It wasn't easy and it sure as hell was awkward but you did it! You made a new friend whom you can share stories with and share a part of you.

Why am I writing this “friends” stuff…I am writing because one of the cruelties of being a “real person” is occurring at work. Lay Offs have begun. Pink Slips are being sent out. Employees are being Fired. Lives are being toyed with…and it makes me want to scream out of anger and not sadness (we all know I am not capable of being sad).
I have lost a few good talented friends from these lay offs and also have lost numerous nights of sleep wondering if my ship is sunk… I see the murky waters around me and it is not good...Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell...we all know it...

So to those whom did receive bad news or are expecting it...I write you this (and I will try and take my own advice as well):

When a job ends abruptly think of it as being a reality check in the right direction. Look at it NOT as the time you have lost but rather the memories and experiences you HAVE gained. Looking back at your career you will realize that you have not lost them but THEY have lost you,  it is THEIR mistake for letting you go, and it is THEIR loss. You are powerful, dedicated, determined, and an integral part to any team and you should know that. A part of your world feels like it might be ending, you might be sad, and suddenly you realize that bad things happen fast and you live through them slow. However SHIT HAPPENS! Shit has happened in the past and shit will happen in the future. You can not give up, you can not quit, you just have to fight like hell for now and readjust to make sure you make it through. It is unfair, it is not right, it is what it is. Keep poised, and use your circumstances to fuel your emotions and push you through.

So I offer this to you as a closing comment…

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..."
Romans 5:3-4

You all will endure…you all will persevere…you all will be missed…
If any of this made any sense...then success for me!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…



Monday, April 22, 2013

POST NUMERO 37: Happy Earth Day, Listen to the Captain, and the Power of Eyebrows Pt1

Hey Readers,
Yes, in case you did not know, it is Earth Day… a real holiday…in which we celebrate the Earth…oh goodness!!
All day I have been doing things “Because it is Earth day”…Nothing really in the spirit of the Earth but literally using Earth Day as an excuse for my actions…
Took a Picture on Snap Chat…Cause it is Earth Day!
Drank that Glass of unknown liquid…Cause it is Earth Day!
Wore Gym Shorts to Work…Cause it is Earth Day!
Took a 3 Hour Nap... Cause it is Earth Day
Made bad Decisions and Acted accordingly…Cause it is Earth Day!

Anyway…Earth Day…the one day we are supposed to be excited about protecting the earth…
For the 24 hours of Earth Day, the media will assault us with tales of imminent disaster that always accompany the annual Earth Day Doom & Gloom Extravaganza.
Ignore them. They’ll be wrong. We should be confident because they have always been wrong and hopefully always will be…at least in my opinion! (which we know is usually wrong!)

So, here is my Idea: 
What they should show on television is an entire day marathon of "CAPTAIN PLANET!"
You want to save the world...listen to the Captain! 

Captain Planet taught me the importance of treating the world with respect! It is true...I still have a power ring to prove that at one point...I was a Planeteer! For those who were not around between 1990 and 1996, the basic plot of Captain Planet was: 5 bad ass teenagers wore special rings that granted them “the powers of the earth”,  one of them was a communist, all major racial groups were represented, and one kid had the worst power possible which was the ability to show bad guys the error of their ways aka the “Heart Power”. When they felt overwhelmed they combined their powers and summoned “Earth’s greatest champion” Captain Planet! Together they fought pollution and helped out “Gaia/Mother Nature” keep the earth intact and balanced! It was truly an awesome show! However, instead you will see that really sad commercial with the Drowning Polar Bears (you know the one that comes on after the starving children commercial and before the abused animal commercial...they make my nervous)!
"Help Me!"

Here is what is confusing, every day should be Earth Day! Ok, I guess today is the day we officially try and teach ourselves the way to promote environmentalism. But, who the hell are we kidding…our goal is not to “save the Earth” but rather to keep it somewhat livable for humans, animals, and plant life. The earth doesn't really need the saving…We do.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!...that was overtly deep…
So let’s clear things up.  Earth Day/Week/Forever has nothing to do with the earth or saving it.  It has to do with us humans.  They should call it People Day/Week.  No one is altruistically concerned with the earth…if we were we would never drive, wear clothes, or do anything really (Nude Recreation Week to the MAX!). Yet, what we’re concerned with is whether or not the earth can put up with our crap anymore. It is our hope that by recycling it here on Earth Day 2013, the world will not royally screw us over until Earth Day 2014.

Anyway, I am just as green as green can be (HA!, lie)…I am green enough to know that I should recycle all my empty wine bottles… Here at the Torre house we compost, garden and “reduce, reuse and recycle”…we try, we fail, but we still try!!!

OK, new topic!

The power of Eyebrows part 1…WOAH!! RANDOM!!!

This has been on my mind since yesterday when I saw this Image on Facebook…get ready for cuteness everyone:

Everyone I introduce you to friends new puppy!
Ok the formal introduction is over, look at him carefully…look at that steely gaze, that steely puppy gaze… look…
Now look at him again!


I have incredibly large eyebrows…I know it…I see them…if I squint I can block out the world around me. However, I freaking love the power they give me…especially being that I qualify them as “murderer eyebrows” (huh?!)…but I will explain that phrasing in another post (perhaps: The Power of Eyebrows part 2)!

I was bored earlier so I photo shopped (not very well because I am not Kayla and I was using Microsoft Paint) to show the importance of eyebrows, are some celebrities without eyebrows to prove my point!


Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…



Wednesday, April 17, 2013

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!
Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!
Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…
Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.
For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.
If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back... and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...
HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!
A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…
Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…



Monday, April 15, 2013

POST NUMERO 25.5: thanks, the sexcada, and a conversation with "Carolyn"

Hey everyone! So I am currently posting because I want to thank everyone for the emails about 1) how exciting it is to have me back, 2) how much I sound like a terrible person, 3) how funny I am, 4) how gross and disturbing my last post was, 4) emailing me your HILARIOUS "sex-cada" playlists (I just came up with that word..."Sexcada"... Instead of "secada"... I am so witty!) and 5) the question you ALL seemed to email me, " is that the playlist I use for "loving" ". It's not.

Speaking of a funny story this conversation just occurred between a coworker and I. I shall call her "Carolyn"

Carolyn: What are you doing?
Me: I am blogging about the "sexcada"...
Carolyn: YOU blog?! (In the tinniest whisper) its a sex blog?!?!

I might be paraphrasing but it is close enough for her to read later and blush about...
Ladies and gentlemen this is how rumors start...

Anyway. I am blogging from my iPod so I don't know how to really edit this post correctly. WHATEVER !!

More posts coming soon!

Cheers, Salute, chin chin!!!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

 photo tumblr_m1vazomZXn1rsj1bjo1_500_zpse803d3e7.gif
If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…
A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…
Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…
Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...
Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one
Hate them...hate them SO much...
And now I have to deal with these!
Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)
I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...
AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...
To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:
Not this:
I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!
So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix
1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly
2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye
3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa
5)      S&M- Rihanna
6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi
7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera
9)      Pony – Ginuwine
10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails
12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails
13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears
14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake
15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta
16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull
17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?
And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable
HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon
Read, Share, and Enjoy!