Wednesday, August 8, 2012

POST NUMERO 27: White Noise Machine


Random is my middle name...here is a quick story!

I sleep with a White Noise Machine...Why? Well I use it because of two reasons:

Reason 1) I enjoy it and find it soothing...In my opinion it is common that some noises just fall into the “relaxing category”. One of my favorite things was waiting for the Air Conditioner or for the Central Heat to turn on and I would instantly just pass out because I loved the rumble and hum of it all.

Reason 2) My family wakes up way earlier then I do...so I use the white noise to block out the Italian noise at  5o'clock in the morning. My family would and could never qualify as "quiet"... in fact when they try to be quiet it just...becomes worse...so...sooooooo...much worse.
(Secret Reason 3: It blocks out the other voices in my head…)

So the White Noise machine I use is an APP (which will remain nameless) for my IPOD...
It took a long time but I have found the perfect three sounds that when played in unison make a VERY convincing "rain on roof" sound that just makes me sleep soundly (I think most people enjoy the sound of rain)...how fairly ordinary...
However, the other night I must have accidently rolled over on top of the IPOD or accidently hit it with my hand because I switched it from my harmonious  “rain on roof sound” to a sound described as “chatter”. Now, “chatter” is literally the sound of many people talking in whispers and hushed voices. These hushed voices and whispers can most definitely be perceived as evil hissing and maniacal chanting.
All chattering conversations are different and some are more understandable then others. The conversation that is the clearest is about the weather and the ones you can not understand sound like people chanting out their grocery lists.
Anyway, back to the story…in full “groggy hallucinating sleep mode” I began to realize the change in sound settings. When I was conscious enough to hear the voices I panicked thinking my room was filled with STRANGERS having trivial discussion!
Just imagine it as waking up to the voices of people whispering about meaningless and harmless topics in the darkest corner of your bedroom...spooky right?
WHO THE HELL, finds it pleasant and comforting to fall asleep with the sound of strangers whispering about random topics!?!
(Readers, when I say “whispering”, I repeat,  it is not in a pleasant way…the sound machine “chatter” sounds flat out angry and crazy…picture it as the voices of 20 highly dangerous criminals plotting a bloody and violent escape from prison while trying to not have the guards over hear them)

However I looked at some of the other sounds on the White Noise Machine and I don't understand WHO would EVER be soothed or able to sleep with such horrific noises as:

Branches: Ok, Branches, as a soothing noise, I think should sound like a soft wind rustling through the branches of a tree and making the romantic and soothing "swooshing sound" as the leaves rustle. INSTEAD, Branches sounds like a VERY VIOLENT act of deforestation.

Music Box: I understand that some music boxes have very lovely song choices (I own one that plays the theme from titanic)…but I am a baffled about who could EVER fall asleep while a very HIGH PITCHED and slow version of  “Pop Goes the Weasel” plays again…and again…and again…

Garden: BEES! BEES EVERYWHERE!!!!

Crickets: Ok this one should be renamed “Cricket” because there is only one…just one single cricking chirping…UNLESS (and this just popped into my mind) maybe it is NUMEROUS crickets all chirping at once…deceptive crickets….
I Google Search cricket....here is a picture of a puppy!
 Whisper: Remember in grade school when you friend tried to pass you a note in class and to get your attention….he would go PSSSSSSSH!!! PSSSSSSSSSSSH!!! That is whisper…loud…high pitched…annoying

Anyway…this was a random post…more coming soon!
Happy Casual Wednesday!
Happy Hump Day!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!


Thursday, August 2, 2012

POST NUMERO 26: August is crap, Creamsicles, and Going Crazy

Alright, time to follow the traditions of  "TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS" and usher in a new month...so...let me clear my throat...
AUGUST IS HERE!!! HOORAY!!!!
and by "HOORAY!!!!" I really mean..."THIS MONTH IS CRAP!!!!"

Well, with the way my summer has been going I don't even know how I have made it to this month! In years past, I have always still been away on vacation for the entire month of August. Just a handful of times I have been in the states or at home and all the other summers I have always either been in Italy or Florida or any place but home. So for me this summer is extremely different...

Do not get me wrong, I like being home...I, on occasion, get to see my friends  and have some wild times, I get work done that I normally can't do else where, I am having loads of "family time", and I am even finding ways to further my career. HOWEVER, screw all that because I love being away for August!

With out going away I have realized that August is a useless transition month and I REALLY can't handle it. Turn on the TV and you will see all the "Back to School" commercials and the "Upcoming Fall Television Line Ups" being advertised. Flip through the TV stations and you will literally witness new programs and commercials that ALREADY usher in the upcoming holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas)! August is that month that just wants to pummel you with the fact of how summer is over.

In terms of weather...where I live Mother Nature has given August full permission to be extremely hot, extremely muggy, and extremely capable of causing tropical depressions/ hurricanes.

But maybe I am just biased in my thinking as this summer did not pan out exactly the way I had hoped...

The best feeling in the world (at least for me) was coming back from the extreme heat of Italy and being welcomed into the extremely green and awaiting Fall season...I do not have that this summer so something feels incomplete....

I however would be OK with it if I had done some sort of world wide adventure this summer...but I did not...I barely even left my house for most the summer as I was WAY to busy tending to family and personal matters...
Some of you might be thinking..."SO WHAT?! I stay at home all the time..." but this is incredibly different and serious to me...and this is why:
Staying home is an unknown situation for me...and I may (will) sound spoiled but I have NEVER spent a summer at home...
I think I may have mentioned before that I have spent every summer of my life away in another place. I was gifted with a house in Italy and I loved it and went there every summer with my family. Then life got busier, and since I was a senior in High School it became increasingly difficult to pick up everything and go away as I started finding more and more obligations to keep me tethered to home.
So this sitting around is driving me mad...sitting around however means getting stuff done but all this tending to crap is driving me CRAZY...I literally feel a clock ticking down in my mind as September approaches and I have to restart work...I have done nothing worth while and I feel the time slowly and terribly passing...
So how do I remedy this....well, I do not know... I literally am looking at the level of craziness I am at (If you want a good gauge...the post before this one is all about making friends out of rubber gloves...I am at THAT level of crazy)

So what can we do in August...
Well...
August is National Catfish and Golf Month...
um...what else...OH, August is "Romance Awareness Month"...which helps me NOTHING because I am NEVER aware of romance (remember...I have as much "game" as a rained out baseball tournament")
It is Family Fun Month and National Picnic month...which I guess could be a fun combination!

08/14 is National Creamsicle Day
which some might take to mean this...

But I will take it to mean...


but without this month...we would not have the Olympics...and THE OLYMPICS ARE AWESOME!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!
more posts coming soon!


POST NUMERO 26: Gloddies

THIS POST IS STRAIGHT AND TO THE POINT-LESS
But really it is truly...TRULY...pointless....ENJOY!

When food shopping today I saw something that gave me a huge flashback...
So when I was younger I did not have many friends...I was a strange fat kid who used to fight with trees and I thought I was a dog...(a "what Matteo was like as a child" post will be coming one day...but not now)...anyway...I did not have many friends what-so-ever so I used to make them.
Now when I say "make them" I don't mean in the socially normal way of introducing oneself, playing together, sharing secrets, and doing the whole "friendship thing"...I used to literally make "friends" from rubber gloves...
No joke, I called them my glove buddies or "Gloddies" for short...I thought they were awesome and I named them...there was not a time I did not have one with me or in my backpack. They were my "Show-and-Tell" every freaking time we had "Show-and-Tell".
I was sooooo awkward...but they were my "Gloddies"

Ok, so this was my CRACK growing up...I used to make tons and line them up buuuuuut....and I think this was the point of this post... or maybe I just was this bored...one of these "friends" actually got me in trouble with the cops...YA KNOW, NOT AWKWARD AT ALL!!!  The story is burned into my memory...

So years ago...when I was just a child...I went to the local mall with my mother for some back to school shopping (I think I needed to buy some new elastic waistband pants...I was VERY chubby). I of course could not go alone so I decided to invite along a friend...not just any friend...my squishy, sloshy, and jiggly Gloddie. So, we had just entered the store...my mother and I were going up the escalator and I was literally making my Gloddie go everywhere...until BY ACCIDENT the water filled glove popped. The glove exploded and turned into a projectile...water and plastic raining 3 stories down...from an escalator...DIRECTLY onto an unsuspecting Sales Woman. It was horrifying...and all I could comprehend was the sound of a balloon popping...then nothing...then splash...then scream. Needless to say I turned to my mother, shocked and still holding a exploded rubber glove and all she replied back was, "RUN!...I will meet you at the car"...but by the time I got to the exit the cops had already cornered me...I was banned from the mall for a year and my picture was plastered on the wall of mall security...
sigh, memories of my youth....
SO LET ME TEACH YOU HOW TO "MAKE FRIENDS"!!! (cause ya know, you can't live a full life until you know how to do this!)

What You will need:
- 1 standard rubber glove
- Sharpie/ permanent markers (for decorating)
- Water
- Zero Friends
- Little to no Social Life
STEP ONE:
After Gathering All Materials
Fill Empty Rubber Glove with Water
STEP TWO:
After filling Glove with Water
Tie off the top securely in order
to assure no leaks
STEP THREE:
In order to make decorating easier
dry off excess water from the glove

                                  STEP FOUR: Using the permanent sharpie decorate like a beast...



STEP FIVE:
ENJOY!!!
Anyway...not really sure why I wrote this blog post...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!
more posts coming soon

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

POST NUMERO 25.3: The Michael Phelps Cocktail

I forgot to say that today is Casual Wednesday! In honor of Casual Wednesday I would like to introduce the world to the following Matteo Torre Olympic themed drink:

The Michael Phelps Cocktail

-15oz Jose Cuervo Gold
- 2oz  Jose Cuervo Silver
- 2oz Blue Curacao
- Splash Lemon Jeremiah's Weed
- Splash Pool Water (make sure it is chlorinated)
Shake in a Cocktail Shaker, Garnish with a Laurel Leaf
Pour Over Ice and Enjoy


If you did not understand some of my sarcasm in the above recipe...we could never be friends...BUT ANYWAY...
CONGRATULATIONS MICHAEL PHELPS FOR SETTING THE NEW OLYMPIC RECORD!

(and please don't ACTUALLY drink pool water...or 15oz of Jose Cuervo...)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 25.5: Quick Olympic Advice


now go turn it on...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 25: Olympics part one, and I am back but my computer is crap

This one is going to be quick and painless...

Holy Crap, I have done it again…I have managed to completely and totally neglect my responsibility to write for my adoring (and increasingly angry) fans. Why have I been missing in action…well firstly I am a lazy ass ( I am sure you are aware of this as I type it everytime I am missing for a period of time)…I really am…most times I literally wake up in the morning or get an idea so quickly that I run to my computer and I get all excited but by the time my comp boots up I end up giving up, checking my email, and surfing google aimlessly
I am going to blame a lot of my absence on the fact of how my crap computer is completely and totally incapable of performing tasks…and let me break it down for you
1) My computer takes forever to boot up…it is SLOW…everytime I turn it on it takes about three attempts to start a full boot and then when it does boot up it takes forever to actually allow me to click on ANYTHING…so when I am ready to finally type…the moment and inspiration are gone.
2) My computer is missing keys and a lot of the keys do not work… when I am saying missing keys I am not talking about useless keys that have never been pressed on ANY computer (I.E. "scroll lock" and "~")…I am talking…and I hate to admit this…and it may blow most your minds…the space key on my computer does not work! YES in order to type out this brilliance I have to paste in every single space. YES, LET ME REPEAT,  EVERYTIME YOU SEE A SPACE…I HIT “CTRL + V” AND PASTE IN A SPACE…It has taken the fun out of writing and unless I start making some bank off this blog, get a generous donation, or find a wonderful way to become famous and make money... I am stuck with this computer.
In related news, my computer’s “5 key” and “N key” do not work, so anytime you see an “n” or a “5” it is also copied and pasted…
In other words….THIS COMPUTER HAS BEEN A COMPLETE AND TOTAL NIGHTMARE

SO, if I was typing straight out with out using copy and paste it would look something like this (allow me to use a verse from 12 days of christmas)

  OthethdayofChristmas,
Mytruelovegavetome,
GoldeRigs,
4CalligBirds,
3Frech Hes,
2TurtleDoves,
AdaPartridgeiaPearTree 

I am seriously losing my mind with all these missing and broken keys…so my head has not been completely into the typing lately…

Also my computer has become the family computer because our other computer broke (yes that is right...this computer is the GOOD computer). With four people sharing one computer I have not had much time to sit and contemplate blog posts.

Secondly, lots of tradegy and crap has fallen upon the house of Torre…I promised this would not be a gloom and doom type of blog so I will keep the details to myself but just know that the Torre Family (whoever we might be) could use a ton of prayer right now. ANYWAY...

Thirdly, HOLY CRAP THE OLYMPICS HAVE TAKEN A HOLD OF ME!!!! I have been so engrossed with it that I can not stop watching…no matter what the sport... I have been glued to the tv set. I think I said in the first post I ever made that “world sporting events” such as the Olympics, and the World Cup are my favorite things to watch. I love the idea of countries competing and already having the best of the best athletes being showcased. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! (this came out in a demon like voice).
Anyway, the games showcase so much talent...talents that I will never have... so I enjoy living through the fantasies saying HEY I could TOTALLY do that! Here are my other top reasons of why I enjoy the Olympics...
1)      The “IT IS ALL ABOUT THE COUNTRY” aspect…think about it…the athletes are not just competeing for themselves they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. It is amazing watching the athletes stand on the podium and sing the national anthem of their country as EVERYONE tears up. It doesn’t matter if maybe you don’t like the athlete but you sure as hell like your country!
2)      The Opening Ceremonies, and seeing countries go ALL OUT in ringing in the beginning of the Olympic games. It’s always fun to see all the athletes marching in …waving their country’s flag… pretending people actually know ANYTHING about their count. I mean come on, you learn so much geography as you go through the parade of nations…usually this geography lesson happens when you stumble upon the country with all consonets in its name and you scream out.. ”WAIT, THAT IS A COUNTRY!?!” or “ WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”
NOW ENTERING....FTNTBSKWNDL!!....

3)      Ok, everyone is just so damn good looking…even the “bad looking” ones are still highly attractive or redeemable…you do not become an olympian with out some sort of physical activity to keep you fit. In honesty however, those who might not be high up on the attractive scale could easily snap someone in two, shoot you, filet you with a sword, or pong you to death…so I will challenge anyone to tell them, “hey, you are not that good looking!”  I mean example… OW OW!
yeeeeeeeeahhhhh....


4)      CHEERING!...everyone cheers…cheer on your team, and everyone, no matter what, has someone to cheer for!!!!

So many more reasons…I just get overwhelmed even typing them…I will put up more…when I am not so EXCITED!!!!!!!

ANYWAY...hmmmm what to type...let me type...

What else have I been doing...OH...interviews...trying to find my dream job! I just am trying to get it done...this whole work crap thing! Blech...

I will be back soon...
In  a little bit...I am going to write my "IT IS AUGUST!!!" post...although I am hating it because that means here comes work again...

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!
welcome August!