Monday, April 30, 2012

April 30, 2012



Today, I had new staff training for work…it was a rather intolerable experience as the woman doing the training is…rather interesting and yet not interesting at all…
The trainer is incredibly dull and monotone and when speaking she manages to pronounce every “s” as if she is was a king cobra. She uses incredibly long words for the early morning hours and half of them (from what I can tell) are just the combination of two words she meant to say independently but accidently mashed together (for example when she combined “protection” with “removal” and formed “protomovial”. HOWEVER, She bears a striking resemblance to both Rue McClanahan’s character from Golden Girls, Blanche Devereaux and also Carol Cane…a few more sessions left with training and then I am “certified” staff…but OH WAIT…by then it will be summer and school will be out…YEEEEHAWWW!!!
I did not pay attention. At all. I was too busy humming the “Golden Girls” theme song and also trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the room... 

First thing that popped up when I image searched Blanche Devereaux 


Random Realizations of today:
-Last Day in April means that I successfully survived my first month of my new job.
-Goyte sounds a lot like a combination of Sting, Phil Collins, and the Man who Sung “Call Me Al” (Paul Simon, maybe?)
-I am in desperate want of a vacation with friends
-I want to have a Golden Girls marathon…
-Only the Torre household can turn a calm hobby like gardening into a contact sport
-I am in the mood to learn something new
-I never finished a book I had from over the summer and am just now realizing I want to know the ending!!!
And finally
-Summer is soon upon us

Not sure if I like the Daily Sum up type of thing…nothing really to sum up today…maybe tomorrow I will be a little bit more interesting.
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO TWO


So where did I get the name of my blog…

When I started thinking of the working title for my blog (and hopefully one day best selling novel) I started with my life motto, “I hate everyone including…you..you..and ESPECIALLY YOU!”. However, that title is a bit bleak. I mean picture it…you walk into your neighborhood bookstore, you see all the colorful titles and familiar names, and suddenly directly in front of you is my angry face glaring and judging you…
New York Times Best Seller...I think so....
So the original title needed a bit of sprucing up…less hate and more love, a certain catchiness…
This sent my mind into OVERDRIVE...my mental gears grinding…my extreme intellect pouring over tons of formulating ideas.
THEN SUDDENLY, It hit me….I gave up thinking and listened/ stole my Amiga Kathleen’s suggestion of naming it “Tales from the Bottom of a Shotglass”. It was brilliant on her part as it describes my fun effervescent personality, as well as the fact of how a lot of my fun times and stories come from casual encounters with alcohol.

OH! on a HUGE side note… A lot/all of the pictures, designs, and imagery on my blog are going to be created by my best friend, confidant, and only person whom I would ever invite over for cake during a family event, Kayla. She is an up and coming graphic designer/ artist / kickass visionary so I am going to basically use her talents to spread her awesomeness (and make everything look oober profesh/cool on this blog). You will hear a lot about her in upcoming posts as she is a huge part of my life. Plus she is awesome…and single…if any single eligible bachelors are reading this feel free to ask more about her! OW OW! (she created that lovely book cover of me in about a total of 3 minutes...amazing...)

She is so witty (an actual real-time conversation that just occurred):
hmmm....
- Matteo Torre 7:26pm: what is it that you want to be in life
so I actually phrase it correctly
- Kayla 7:27pm: Rich
(the correct answer would be “Art Director”)

Anyway, back to topic, so “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass” … I really like it and I drew inspiration from reading an article on day drinking at work (I may, or may not have been researching HOW TO successfully smuggle in alcohol to work). When I was reading through this article about “Office Drinking” I realized, WOW! I knew ALL this stuff already...not one part of the article was new or unknown to me. It was as if the author had snuck into my brain and been like…lets write down every obscure way he has gotten away with drinking in front of his EXTREMELY conservative parents for the past 8 years of his life.

Anyway, I was just thinking that it would be fun to put some of my thoughts out to the universe from time to time…and I bet it will be easier to tell which post may have some liquid courage behind them….I will Hash out more about the title in later posts…
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!!

*those three people in Germany who read my first two posts: danke!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

POST NUMERO: 1 and a Half...


Ok,
So I am going to count this as Post number 1.2 only because I created this blog a little over 2 hours ago…however I already have had some resounding feedback…

Firstly, I already made a few promises to friends that my posts will NEVER be as long as my previous/first ever…I am aware of my long windedness and I will try and control it as I continue on my journey of blog discovery.

Secondly, setting this thing up is “compli-freaking-cated” and my attention to making it “look nice” will surely drive me insane. Currently, it is very plain and sad looking so if anyone has any hints, tricks, advice, and what ever please leave me a comment.

Thirdly…In the moment of deciding to live on the edge and create this blog… I did not realize I was joining a whole subculture of bloggers and “bloggies”. Some of the blogs I have read have already made me fear for future generations of humanity…I have been pressing “next blog button” for the past hour or so and I have ALREADY stumbled onto 4 blogs dedicated to “vampire culture” and 1 blog entirely dedicated to black and white photographs of grass…yes, a blog dedicated to watching grass grow in black and white…
                        However, people will probably read what I write and be like, “W.T.F is this Crap?!” so to each their own…CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

more to come…leave me comments and advice on what to do with this whole thing

POST NUMERO UNO


POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....
SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....
∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt
The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:
  • Name: Matteo Torre
  • Age:
  • I am Italian
  • I am epileptic
  • I hate everyone
  • I am terrible with names
  • I can’t stand politics
  • I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
  • I am flexible (bendy)
  • Liberal crap pisses me off
  • I love to teach
  • I love kids
  • I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
  • I may have anger issues
  • I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
  • Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
  • ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!


So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?
Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!