Monday, October 21, 2013

POST NUMERO 43: Haunted Houses, and Surviving the Horror

Hello readers, guess what time it is?…IT IS HALLOWEEN prep time!…
Yes, that’s correct readers…Halloween is right around the corner and it is time for me to get into the spirit…and how better to “feel the fright” then to blog about if from the safety and darkness of my room…
So, last night I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got on the topic of “Haunted Houses”…
“Haunted Houses” are such a typical Halloween attraction to find lurking around town or at the local “Harvest Festival” that they have become synonymous with “Halloween Fun”. In fact when people look for fun things to do for Halloween, haunted houses are inevitably top of the list.

If you can believe...the house on the right is the haunted one...

Now, being that I am a joyless indecisive person, I’m torn on whether I enjoy haunted houses….. With their costumed players, spooky music and darkened rooms, they present a great way to get the daylights scared out of you…all while spending time with your friends or family…
However, when I truly break it down in my mind I just DON’T seem to see how Haunted Houses can be “fun”…

My reasoning is as such…What sadistic bastard decided that walking through a dark house/barn/mansion was a good way of spending quality time with friends?… When did walking through a booby-trapped house of horrors become something fun to do on a October Friday night?
Think about it…you are essentially voluntarily walking into what some would call, “Hell”.

However, honestly, I find a certain allure in them…I find them exhilarating with all the guaranteed fear-in-your-face special effects, animation, and Hollywood-style sets that even the cheapest of haunted houses will have. I do not take for granted the safety in organized uncertainty…it makes my tiny heart race.

However I understand that some do not like this feeling of an impending heart attack while stuck in a dark room. Some House of Horrors have zombies, demons, vampires, psycho killers, and the living dead creeping around every corner…this can cause some haunted houses to be a little too freaking scary, and a little too FREAKING suspenseful for some.

So if you're wondering how you can get through a haunted house without running out halfway through, then here are some of my tips for you readers that will help you when you are dragged along to your “Halloween Night of Fun.”

TIPS FOR SURVIVING A HAUNTED HOUSE
  1. The Name of the Game is In the Name: HINT HINT readers…the name gives a hint of what you should expect…follow this trend readers…
    -Petting Zoo: A place where you can PET what one can assumer ZOO animals
-Fun House: A house filled with fun
-Water Park: A place that involves water and is recreational like a park
-HAUNTED HOUSE: A HOUSE THAT IS SEEMINGLY HAUNTED!!

Don’t walk in thinking that it is going to be filled with fluffy bunnies, unicorns, and rainbows…you are pretty much paying for the scare…so Don’t be stupid and walk into it asking “How scary is this?” or the ever more popular and generic, “Is it Scary?” If you are looking for something tame try “Bunny Land” (Unless you have Leporiphobia…then just don’t leave the house…)
  1. Ok, so you are one of the hundreds of unfortunate souls, dragged to the haunted house by their friends, you are too scared to even think about the horrors that wait inside…you’re friends are all waiting for you at the entrance of the Haunted House…basically you are hating life. Well stop, because now would be the perfect time to Determine whether you really want to do this or not. If you're somebody who gets easily scared to the point of no return then you may just end up getting badly scared (or scarred for life) and not enjoying yourself at all. Seriously, most of us are grown ass adults of sound mind and judgment so put on your big boy pants, make a choice, and shut the hell up. Make a mental check list or debate the pros/cons with the other voices in your mind (wait, WHAT?! You don’t have other voices?!?!) till you definitely know you want to do this. It's okay not to and it doesn't mean that you're a "chicken" (it might make you a bit of a pansy…but not a chicken). You just didn't want to do it.
  2. Scared and Scarred are almost the same word…ONE “R” MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!! Think about it…Do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you might be Scarred for life?! Some people legit have big fears of being scared. They don’t like it…it is ok to be one of those people…Don’t risk being scarred for life.
  3. The World is Closer then It seems… Stay close to reality. If you start to get really scared, then calm the fuck down and remind yourself that this isn't real. Tell yourself that it's just pretend, and that it's provided for your “enjoyment”. Look around you…take a deep breath…and center yourself. Think past the moment…what are you doing when you getting out of the place…dinner…drinks…drinks…drinking…more drinks?
  4. Read the Rules and Listen to the People… They are there for a reason and give you hints of what might happen…Be very leery of the Haunted Houses that say “Actors may touch you but you may not touch the actors”…because, ya know, you will be touched and not have the ability to “Knock a Bitch out!”
  5. Go with someone close to you and you're comfortable around. That way, when/if you get scared, you can hold onto each other. Plus, things don't seem as scary when you've got a friendly face by your side. Go in a group. Things can be scarier when it's just two or three people--you feel more helpless. Try going with a group of at least four (so you can freak out in pairs and are covered in all directions)--things will be more fun and it won't be as scary. As a rule of thumb…take friends that you would not be afraid to fart in front of (what?!...this comment is shocking for me to make). Haunted House fear/ embarrassment has to be on par with…ya know…what I said before… Also, if you go with your best friends and everyone reacts poorly then there is no potential blackmail
  6. Don’t Let your guard down but relax and have fun: The last moment is always the worst…When you’re exiting the house that is when they hide the worst scare…they let you seem free and then BAM crazy chainsaw wielding maniac… Enjoy yourself. Don't run around totally freaked out and screaming. Calm down, and enjoy everything--the suspense, the effects, etc. Remember that the only reason the haunted house exists is so that people can have a fun time. So let yourself get spooked--enjoy it!
  7. When planning to attend a Haunted House think about your attire: The shoes are especially important, think comfort. Also a hoody or hat to hide your face from the action might help the truly overwhelmed…
  8. Realize your surroundings are bigger then they appear: When walking through dark, confined spaces know that the haunted house is built so that you will not hit your head or fall down, you can walk with confidence (unless you are a naturally clumsy person). This is because of safety reasons for everyone. This space provides enough room for crowd reaction and gives ample room to avoid contact with the staff (I call it the swing’n’miss zone…in clearer terms, enough room where the actor scaring you runs no risk of being punched in the face!)

Anyway, Screw the zombies, murderers, and blood…the scariest thing for me at any Haunted House is the Strobe Lights…HA! #epilepsy

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

POST NUMERO 42: Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin

NOT. EVEN. GOING. TO. APOLOGIZE! (for not writing...)
Welcome Back to Me…

Excuse this post if it makes little sense…I am writing it whilst having an argument with my Father…nothing big…but He wants to store the outside plants in my room during the colder months and I…well…I don’t really want that to happen so…no…

Guess what Readers…it’s the most beautiful time of the year…FALL IS HERE!
Sigh... got to love it…

Fall is the best and frankly if you disagree then you need to reassess your autumnal regimen… think about it…
There are pagan rituals to partake in…
Bon Fires/ Falò to be had…
Football to watch…
Fruits and gourds to be harvested…
Flannel to be Worn…
And of course, Seasonal Beverages to Sample… HURRAY "FALL-CAHOL"!!
Fall has something for everyone!

There something universally incomparable about the peaceful transition from summer to winter… So, that’s it folks…time to unpack the winter coat and switch to hot beverages because autumn has arrived!
 
Come on now...Moose and Color...Fall!!!


The weather…With the exception of the freak chill happening from time to time (or the past two years when those natural disasters happened (gulp) ), the weather is gorgeous. The leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you happen to be the woodsy outdoorsy type, then there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else. If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds… and if you are a couch potato fat ass like myself…then your imagination and wait is over as all the new television shows premiere and you say so long to Summer reruns (Welcome back American Horror Story and Walking Dead!)

So, are you excited? I’m excited! Fall means: pumpkins, alcohol, cozy clothes, red wine, savory foods, alcohol, gorgeous fall leaves, alcohol, crisp air, bad habits in the shade, and HALLOWEEN, and everything else that is amazing! I went out to indulge in a mental break and just wanted to cry tears of joy because summer was finally over and the air was brisk.

(Is anyone else freaked out by how happy I seem in this post…don’t worry I’m sure I will get creepy and hostile again…hey look…here I go…)

However…let me give some reasons why I hate fall…

Firstly…
Every single fucking thing that you eat is flavored like pumpkin or pumpkin themed. Now, don’t get me wrong, some pumpkin-flavored things are amazing and totally worth the love:
Pumpkin Pie? Cool.
Pumpkin Muffins? Cool.
Pumpkin Potato Chips? No.
Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts? Hellllll-to-the-no!
Pumpkin Spice Vodka…? I don’t know…I’m torn…It is vodka…so either way it’s good

But pumpkin spiced everything? You food producers have got to take a pumpkin-sized chill pill and keep some products safe from being pumpkinized…

Secondly 
I can not stand Pumpkin Spice Lattes...Seriously, Calm the Fuck Down you Pumpkin Spice Latte Freaks!! I just can’t handle it…it is not so much the drink…but more the bastardization of the pumpkin spiced latte that makes me want to take a sledgehammer to a pumpkin patch. Holding onto a Starbucks Generic “PSL” suddenly makes coffee seem like a new and exciting creation…Well Guess what kids…it’s coffee with cinnamon…Somewhere in the world thousands of individuals are uploading photos of steaming hot mugs of "PSL" to theirs Instagrams…and guess what folks.. that Pumpkin spiced latte looks like EVERY OTHER DAMN CUP OF COFFEE EVER MADE! (I’m going to write more about this in a moment…I sound damn crazy)

Thirdly 
I guess the biggest reason of why I can’t stand Fall (Jeeze, maybe I don’t like fall as much as I thought)… Fall comes with the idea that you wont see a breath of life in the world for another six months…after Fall comes the Winter…the Winter is cold and lifeless…wait…scratch that last statement…my biggest reason is that I hate Scarecrows and they seem to be everywhere during this damn seasons …stuffed bastards…spooky stuffed bastards!

Ok, So anyway…back to the “positive happy” Fall…
I really have been bogged down with work…nothing too exciting happening on the home front…
I am finally writing the second saga of the “Slut-o-ween” (I forgot what I called it last year)… so I’ll post that soon (I promise).

So, In Short Readers… Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin...

There are still 18 days left to realize and reconsider that Fall is a AMAZING season.  You have plenty of time to enjoy the foliage and gentle autumn breeze...  There's still time to meet friends at an outdoor patio somewhere to enjoy the last vestiges of sun until March.  Halloween is still more than two week away--more than enough time to get creative about a costume and figure out how to make it happen….

In short, there are still plenty of chances to except that Fall is the best and to enjoy it before winter arrives.

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!