POST NUMERO 44: I'm Back, I'm Not a Fan of February, and I'm Cyber Dating

Two Things:

1. Guess who just got home from a Date...
2. Guess who just remembered their password!

::Points to self:: This Guy!

I had forgotten the password to this blog over 2 years ago and I just spent the past week trying to remember not only the REAL information I put into my profile but also the fake personality I created in order to keep some anonymity...If you forget your password the only thing sites DON'T ask for is a blood sample

It was an ordeal that I can only describe as something similar to the John Cusack movie “Identity” ...which personality real or fake knew what the hell fake email I used and what my fake first pet's name was...

Ray Liotta...great movie...

So I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads blogs. In fact when I click “Next Blog” the only other blog that comes up is a German Blog featuring Bibles quotes and various religious imagery...basically the same thing as this blog...

I guess for this moment... I'll go with “Field of Dreams” logic and say, “If I write it...they will come”

Ray Liotta was also in this movie....

OK, it has been over two years since the last time I posted anything, and the only reason I am posting is because the date went so bad that I thought of topics the whole time.

Let me catch you up on the past 2 years (Here are ten at random):

1. My life has been chaos as normal
2. I still have no Idea what I want to do as a “grown up” or how to act as one
3. I have fell into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery (although harsh sounding, this is not exaggeration)
4. I remember very little of 2014 & 2015
5. I have developed an adorable and endearing habit of making bird noises at people in order to get their attention
6. I probably curse and use profanity about 60% more then I did in Fucking 2013
7. I have added many more items to my list of “Things I can't stand/hate”
8. I have developed an addiction to “On demand”
9. I have had Tina Turners “Private Dancer” stuck in my mind on repeat for the past 2 years
10. I still freaking love Backpacks

OK, so they are not the best facts but it is hard to think when my father is watching “Jersey Boys” at the highest volume down the hall (Not kidding, I am expecting the neighbors to call for a noise complaint any second now)

So,

Sorry not Sorry for not writing...but here are the excuses...

1. My computer broke and I lost everything...I lost all the work on the “Book”...You would think that being born in the era of budding technology I would have learned to back my shit up...but I didn't.
2. I have been using my time on other social media websites...Instagram has grown on me...Snapchat not so much...
3. I now Ebay!
4. Why did no one tell me that blogging is dead! HOWEVER, from what I hear, “Vlogging” is the new “Blogging” and that is not going to happen because the guy behind these words is 185 pounds of Eyebrows and Hostility.
5. I got a new computer...I hate it...If Satan Endorsed a computer it would be the Lenovo IdeaPad 100...
6. Etc...Etc...Etc...

So...It is February...the Shittiest time of the year...

In my opinion, February is the year's equivalent of stepping on something wet when wearing just socks...

It is the most bone-chilling month of the year...February does not fall into the pleasant “Winter Wonderland” type of cold, but is more of a brutal “rips your face off” cold. Sure, November, December, and January are freezing BUT there are holidays and constant food to dull the pain. February has nothing...just sadness, emotions, and cold. It is so bad that even father time made it proportionately shorter then the rest of the other months just so we can get it done faster.

But the Absolute Worst part of February...Valentine's Day...

My quick summary about Valentine's Day: Valentines Day is a grotesque consumerist Hallmark holiday designed to make people feel awful about their lives...It is the worst...

There is only one good thing that has came out of Valentine's Day in the past 30 years...

"I cho-cho-choose you."....

Anyway, so onto the date....it crashed, it burned, and I still had to pay for it.

So how it began:

I recently and hilariously joined online dating...and let me tell you...it is like swimming in an “un-chlorinated” public pool...

I don't know exactly why I joined but I remember who told me to try online dating and they said, “What is the worst that could happen...” or was it “You need all the help you can get...what is the worst that could happen” It was probably more of the second...

So I went to the very popular “PlentyoFish.com”. I set up a profile, picked out a non offensive photo, and wrote something about the things I love (The Walking Dead, Travel, Fresh Fruit, Pizza, Walks on the Beach, and Food). I resisted every urge to write about how I'm a sarcastic Asshole and I tried to stay as normal as possible. I kicked my feet up, and waited for the responses and matches to roll in.

After about 2 weeks I finally got my first message which turned out to be a computer generated response telling me that I did not confirm my account and until I verify my profile I would not be published. Little did I know that would be the most promising email I would receive from that moment on...

Why? Why do I not see the promise?! What is Online Dating?! Well, Online dating is a sad, soul crushing hell where good guys (Like myself) go to die a slow painful death by way of ignored messages, false hope, and empty inboxes.

Like me, most guys will look through profile after profile and send carefully crafted messages that show both interest and attention to detail. ALL of them will not respond...wait, one will....but wait...she is awful...this is how it went tonight:

A “cool” girl wrote me and we made some good conversation back and forth. It was banter at its best and we swapped stories about vacations, our jobs, and our favorite movies. It was going well so I asked her to meet up “in real life.” I wanted something cozy, and fun so I settled on hitting up a bar down the street plus I figured why not start with what I do best, drinking.

We met up there and I am not one to ever be nervous, but, I found myself struggling for conversation...

FUN FACT: I try to stay the same or strive to be better then what I portray online and I was quickly realizing that she was not as pretty or funny as I had hoped she'd be or as her profile stated. Something was different about her photo from how she looked in real life, and I was positive that she had not seen half the movies that we chatted about. None of her profile seemed to jive with what she was saying and the “interests” we shared seemed to be talked about with an almost “just googled it quickly” amount of knowledge. Yet we trudged on, ordered some food for the table, and we chatted. She kept checking her phone...This was the “Crash”

Onto the “Burn”...Then the judgmental ass in me began to emerge...I realized she kept saying how, Her and her single friends are going to be celebrating something called, “GAL-antine's Day” by drinking Mimosas and going to brunch...The word by the end of the night became like nails on a chalk board to my ears.

The conversation went as such:

Me: So tomorrow I have no plans, but I can't stand this cold...it is too cold to do anything

Her: Yeah, me too, but I hope it does not effect my “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

or

Me: So I hear, “The Walking Dead” comes back tomorrow...are you excited?

Her: Yes, can't wait to relax and watch it after “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

I'd say tomato, and she'd say...”Gal-antine's Day!” and then she would check her phone...

No big deal though, I could not fault her excitement about something stupid...and I kindly and warmly kept replying back about; How fun it all sounded and how I hope she has a good time (which I actually meant)...But she talked of nothing else...Nothing...At one point I was just hoping to start an argument just to see if she could find a way to fit GAL-antine's Day into the fight...

BUT WAIT this is where is got really bad, the phone checking...what was the constant phone checking... Then I noticed the fact of how (and I only noticed because I could see the reflection of her phone in the window behind her) she was on TINDER during our date. Yes that is right folks...bitch was Tindering while we were talking about our life goals. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LEFT SWIPING AND RIGHT SWIPING WHILE WE SAT THERE! I was dumb founded and thank you JESUS we went someplace with Booze...

But there was sadly no chemistry...it was just awkward conversation...I called it quits, paid, and went home...was it worth it, not really. Was her profile a bucket of lies and did I find her to be a waste of a night...ABSOLUTLY!

Sitting in the booth with her (as she surfed TINDER and ate my Sweet Potato Fries) my mind wandered...I made some rules to try and combat the pitfalls of online dating:

1. On Internet dating sites everyone is uniquely the same...Everybody loves books and is well-read, everyone enjoys jogging in the park and running marathons, everyone listens to the coolest music and watches the hottest TV shows. Everyone is intellectual, grown-up, refined and perfect...WELL, that is all Bull Crap...Realize that people are trying to sell themselves and nothing makes people more desperate and dishonest then when trying to find love... Don't trust anyone.
   
   
2. 
   
   Watch out for People who misrepresent themselves in their photos or who have thousands of other people in their photo. If the photo looks like a girls Volleyball team photo or the Kappa Kappa Sorority class portrait more then likely I can guarantee that the one you think is the cute one is not the one who owns the profile. It is a trick! RED ALERT! TRICK! Watch I'll Give you an Example...The person the yellow arrows are point to... that is the Girl who actually owns the profile...example:
   
   
   
   
3. People, and it has been proven, have a way to look completely different online because the pictures they use are drastically outdated or heavily edited. Woman are more likely to post a photo looking like Kim Kardashian but in real life look like Caitlyn Jenner. Watch out for this and ask for photos. If you are not a creep and you are actually trying to find love and vice versa then the girl should provide...don't be a dick though and not reciprocate (I'm talking in terms of clean none xxx photos...you be you though...I won't tell you how to live your life...). Ask for photos involving vacations and or life events (If she ran that marathon she should have at least one photo)...it is just a good way to get a better view of who she is.
4. Look out for ANYONE who's profile picture is them posing in a Bathroom Mirror...this is more of a Pet Peeve of mine but I have realized it rings true most of the time. If you are posing in a bathroom mirror...I don't even know...is it the lighting...I'm just going to assume it is the only room in your house...Is it that hard to find a more interesting place to take a photo or to set a timer...Especially being that most the times the photos are either in a public bathroom where I know someone is hiding in the stall until you leave, or in your home where the mirror is covered in dirt and old toothpaste...Just the second I see a reflection I automatically raise the red flag.

Anyway, Tonight Sucked...BUT I'M BACK!

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 43: Haunted Houses, and Surviving the Horror

Hello readers, guess what time it is?…IT IS HALLOWEEN prep time!…

Yes, that’s correct readers…Halloween is right around the corner and it is time for me to get into the spirit…and how better to “feel the fright” then to blog about if from the safety and darkness of my room…

So, last night I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got on the topic of “Haunted Houses”…

“Haunted Houses” are such a typical Halloween attraction to find lurking around town or at the local “Harvest Festival” that they have become synonymous with “Halloween Fun”. In fact when people look for fun things to do for Halloween, haunted houses are inevitably top of the list.

If you can believe...the house on the right is the haunted one...

Now, being that I am a joyless indecisive person, I’m torn on whether I enjoy haunted houses….. With their costumed players, spooky music and darkened rooms, they present a great way to get the daylights scared out of you…all while spending time with your friends or family…

However, when I truly break it down in my mind I just DON’T seem to see how Haunted Houses can be “fun”…

My reasoning is as such…What sadistic bastard decided that walking through a dark house/barn/mansion was a good way of spending quality time with friends?… When did walking through a booby-trapped house of horrors become something fun to do on a October Friday night?

Think about it…you are essentially voluntarily walking into what some would call, “Hell”.

However, honestly, I find a certain allure in them…I find them exhilarating with all the guaranteed fear-in-your-face special effects, animation, and Hollywood-style sets that even the cheapest of haunted houses will have. I do not take for granted the safety in organized uncertainty…it makes my tiny heart race.

However I understand that some do not like this feeling of an impending heart attack while stuck in a dark room. Some House of Horrors have zombies, demons, vampires, psycho killers, and the living dead creeping around every corner…this can cause some haunted houses to be a little too freaking scary, and a little too FREAKING suspenseful for some.

So if you're wondering how you can get through a haunted house without running out halfway through, then here are some of my tips for you readers that will help you when you are dragged along to your “Halloween Night of Fun.”

TIPS FOR SURVIVING A HAUNTED HOUSE

1. The Name of the Game is In the Name: HINT HINT readers…the name gives a hint of what you should expect…follow this trend readers…
   -Petting Zoo: A place where you can PET what one can assumer ZOO animals

-Fun House: A house filled with fun

-Water Park: A place that involves water and is recreational like a park

-HAUNTED HOUSE: A HOUSE THAT IS SEEMINGLY HAUNTED!!

Don’t walk in thinking that it is going to be filled with fluffy bunnies, unicorns, and rainbows…you are pretty much paying for the scare…so Don’t be stupid and walk into it asking “How scary is this?” or the ever more popular and generic, “Is it Scary?” If you are looking for something tame try “Bunny Land” (Unless you have Leporiphobia…then just don’t leave the house…)

2. Ok, so you are one of the hundreds of unfortunate souls, dragged to the haunted house by their friends, you are too scared to even think about the horrors that wait inside…you’re friends are all waiting for you at the entrance of the Haunted House…basically you are hating life. Well stop, because now would be the perfect time to Determine whether you really want to do this or not. If you're somebody who gets easily scared to the point of no return then you may just end up getting badly scared (or scarred for life) and not enjoying yourself at all. Seriously, most of us are grown ass adults of sound mind and judgment so put on your big boy pants, make a choice, and shut the hell up. Make a mental check list or debate the pros/cons with the other voices in your mind (wait, WHAT?! You don’t have other voices?!?!) till you definitely know you want to do this. It's okay not to and it doesn't mean that you're a "chicken" (it might make you a bit of a pansy…but not a chicken). You just didn't want to do it.
3. Scared and Scarred are almost the same word…ONE “R” MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!! Think about it…Do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you might be Scarred for life?! Some people legit have big fears of being scared. They don’t like it…it is ok to be one of those people…Don’t risk being scarred for life.
4. The World is Closer then It seems… Stay close to reality. If you start to get really scared, then calm the fuck down and remind yourself that this isn't real. Tell yourself that it's just pretend, and that it's provided for your “enjoyment”. Look around you…take a deep breath…and center yourself. Think past the moment…what are you doing when you getting out of the place…dinner…drinks…drinks…drinking…more drinks?
5. Read the Rules and Listen to the People… They are there for a reason and give you hints of what might happen…Be very leery of the Haunted Houses that say “Actors may touch you but you may not touch the actors”…because, ya know, you will be touched and not have the ability to “Knock a Bitch out!”
6. Go with someone close to you and you're comfortable around. That way, when/if you get scared, you can hold onto each other. Plus, things don't seem as scary when you've got a friendly face by your side. Go in a group. Things can be scarier when it's just two or three people--you feel more helpless. Try going with a group of at least four (so you can freak out in pairs and are covered in all directions)--things will be more fun and it won't be as scary. As a rule of thumb…take friends that you would not be afraid to fart in front of (what?!...this comment is shocking for me to make). Haunted House fear/ embarrassment has to be on par with…ya know…what I said before… Also, if you go with your best friends and everyone reacts poorly then there is no potential blackmail
7. Don’t Let your guard down but relax and have fun: The last moment is always the worst…When you’re exiting the house that is when they hide the worst scare…they let you seem free and then BAM crazy chainsaw wielding maniac… Enjoy yourself. Don't run around totally freaked out and screaming. Calm down, and enjoy everything--the suspense, the effects, etc. Remember that the only reason the haunted house exists is so that people can have a fun time. So let yourself get spooked--enjoy it!
8. When planning to attend a Haunted House think about your attire: The shoes are especially important, think comfort. Also a hoody or hat to hide your face from the action might help the truly overwhelmed…
9. Realize your surroundings are bigger then they appear: When walking through dark, confined spaces know that the haunted house is built so that you will not hit your head or fall down, you can walk with confidence (unless you are a naturally clumsy person). This is because of safety reasons for everyone. This space provides enough room for crowd reaction and gives ample room to avoid contact with the staff (I call it the swing’n’miss zone…in clearer terms, enough room where the actor scaring you runs no risk of being punched in the face!)

Anyway, Screw the zombies, murderers, and blood…the scariest thing for me at any Haunted House is the Strobe Lights…HA! #epilepsy

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 42: Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin

NOT. EVEN. GOING. TO. APOLOGIZE! (for not writing...)

Welcome Back to Me…

Excuse this post if it makes little sense…I am writing it whilst having an argument with my Father…nothing big…but He wants to store the outside plants in my room during the colder months and I…well…I don’t really want that to happen so…no…

Guess what Readers…it’s the most beautiful time of the year…FALL IS HERE!

Sigh... got to love it…

Fall is the best and frankly if you disagree then you need to reassess your autumnal regimen… think about it…

There are pagan rituals to partake in…

Bon Fires/ Falò to be had…

Football to watch…

Fruits and gourds to be harvested…

Flannel to be Worn…

And of course, Seasonal Beverages to Sample… HURRAY "FALL-CAHOL"!!

Fall has something for everyone!

There something universally incomparable about the peaceful transition from summer to winter… So, that’s it folks…time to unpack the winter coat and switch to hot beverages because autumn has arrived!

 

Come on now...Moose and Color...Fall!!!

The weather…With the exception of the freak chill happening from time to time (or the past two years when those natural disasters happened (gulp) ), the weather is gorgeous. The leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you happen to be the woodsy outdoorsy type, then there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else. If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds… and if you are a couch potato fat ass like myself…then your imagination and wait is over as all the new television shows premiere and you say so long to Summer reruns (Welcome back American Horror Story and Walking Dead!)

So, are you excited? I’m excited! Fall means: pumpkins, alcohol, cozy clothes, red wine, savory foods, alcohol, gorgeous fall leaves, alcohol, crisp air, bad habits in the shade, and HALLOWEEN, and everything else that is amazing! I went out to indulge in a mental break and just wanted to cry tears of joy because summer was finally over and the air was brisk.

(Is anyone else freaked out by how happy I seem in this post…don’t worry I’m sure I will get creepy and hostile again…hey look…here I go…)

However…let me give some reasons why I hate fall…

Firstly…

Every single fucking thing that you eat is flavored like pumpkin or pumpkin themed. Now, don’t get me wrong, some pumpkin-flavored things are amazing and totally worth the love:

Pumpkin Pie? Cool.

Pumpkin Muffins? Cool.

Pumpkin Potato Chips? No.

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts? Hellllll-to-the-no!

Pumpkin Spice Vodka…? I don’t know…I’m torn…It is vodka…so either way it’s good

But pumpkin spiced everything? You food producers have got to take a pumpkin-sized chill pill and keep some products safe from being pumpkinized…

Secondly 

I can not stand Pumpkin Spice Lattes...Seriously, Calm the Fuck Down you Pumpkin Spice Latte Freaks!! I just can’t handle it…it is not so much the drink…but more the bastardization of the pumpkin spiced latte that makes me want to take a sledgehammer to a pumpkin patch. Holding onto a Starbucks Generic “PSL” suddenly makes coffee seem like a new and exciting creation…Well Guess what kids…it’s coffee with cinnamon…Somewhere in the world thousands of individuals are uploading photos of steaming hot mugs of "PSL" to theirs Instagrams…and guess what folks.. that Pumpkin spiced latte looks like EVERY OTHER DAMN CUP OF COFFEE EVER MADE! (I’m going to write more about this in a moment…I sound damn crazy)

Thirdly 

I guess the biggest reason of why I can’t stand Fall (Jeeze, maybe I don’t like fall as much as I thought)… Fall comes with the idea that you wont see a breath of life in the world for another six months…after Fall comes the Winter…the Winter is cold and lifeless…wait…scratch that last statement…my biggest reason is that I hate Scarecrows and they seem to be everywhere during this damn seasons …stuffed bastards…spooky stuffed bastards!

Ok, So anyway…back to the “positive happy” Fall…

I really have been bogged down with work…nothing too exciting happening on the home front…
I am finally writing the second saga of the “Slut-o-ween” (I forgot what I called it last year)… so I’ll post that soon (I promise).

So, In Short Readers… Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin...

There are still 18 days left to realize and reconsider that Fall is a AMAZING season.  You have plenty of time to enjoy the foliage and gentle autumn breeze...  There's still time to meet friends at an outdoor patio somewhere to enjoy the last vestiges of sun until March.  Halloween is still more than two week away--more than enough time to get creative about a costume and figure out how to make it happen….

In short, there are still plenty of chances to except that Fall is the best and to enjoy it before winter arrives.

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 41: The Calender Post Returns!

So…guess what has not happened in a long time…

A calendar post…

So…guess what this post is about…

AUGUST’s CALENDER POST!

Readers…I’ll be honest…I don’t know where most of you live so, Tomorrow/Today/Yesterday/Etc. is the first day of August…

Frankly August…I don’t think I like you much…

I like you August…but I don’t like you August…It is not me…it’s you…

August…I don’t understand you…

HUH?

I did not understand what I wrote either…

I will admit my indifference to August…I don’t know…I just don't know if I like it or not...

So, why the indifference? I believe it stems from my life being crap…just kidding…it stems from the fact of how I am not a “complete summer minded person” and the fact of how my life is currently in limbo  (and also because my life is crap).

Here is some of my reasoning…

1⁾ I love the weather, but hate the heat I am a weather snob. I am incredibly picky about my weather and when it is too hot or humid I turn into a terrible person (or, more of a terrible person). August in New Jersey is just hot…hot…and hotter. It is the damn hottest month of them all! I can not stand the New Jersey heat, however I love “Vacation Heat”. I can stay outside for hours in the sweltering temperatures if I am in Florida or back in the home country (Italy). I think it is because in Florida and Italy I am never more then an arms length (with cigarette extension) away from a Pool to dive into or a Ocean to float around in…

Here in Jersey though…I have nothing…No beach, no pool, just the water hose…SO HOT OUTSIDE!

2⁾ August you are a necessary snoozefest August is a lazy ass month…it is just sooooo lazy… Need Proof of how lazy it is, I bet you are currently reading this with your computer balanced on your stomach, next to a list you made of stuff you should have done this summer, as you half-watch an old Friends rerun with one end of a straw in your mouth and the other in a can of something cold…wait, maybe that is just me…

Now I am not opposed to this Laziness, and I am perfectly OK with the fact of how August is the perfect time for laziness…But seriously what else is happening/ what else are you going to do today. If you so much as poke a finger outside then you are drowned in an ocean of sweat and humidity… But, I love being lazy…

3⁾ The result of necessary seclusion By this point in the summer…nothing is really happening in the outside world…There are no good movies playing, all magazines and stores are dedicating themselves to fall and back to school, the malls are probably displaying Christmas stuff by now, and the beach...I repeat…it is hot! It is the “stay indoors month” You have eleven other months to be social, move your legs, and inhale non-conditioned air…

4⁾ Wind through my Willows In my house we don’t use Air Conditioning…if you want to cool down you have two options…lay underneath a fan and relax…or STFU! I however carry around an electric fan with me plugging it in everywhere I go…

5⁾ Back to School Buzz…for Kids= hell, and for parents= THANK GOD!

6⁾ Losing my bare necessities I give up bad habits due to family vacation…this is probably one of the biggest reasons… August is “Torre Family Vacation” Month…There for truly again my I nature I turn into a complete and total Angel. I bottle up every craving and bad habit and usually flip out somewhere around September…THIS IS THE BIGGEST REASON WHY I CAN’T STAND AUGUST… I’ll elaborate in a future post…

⁷⁾ Losing my mind counting down the days I am not doing anything and just mope around all day. I even took the time to make a list of things to do before September arrives and I have completed nothing. It was stupid of me to work during the summer when I did not truly have to…but it is almost done and I spend my after work hours taking naps and sitting underneath my fan wonder which way the damn blades should go…

Anyway,

So August is known for many things…

Firstly as a Month it is both “Family Fun Month” and “Admit You’re Happy Month”… (HEY LOOK!, two reasons why I should dislike August…)

Food and drink wise it is “National Catfish Month”, “Peach Month”, “National Picnic Month”, and “Water Quality Month” …love me some peaches and water…

Health wise…It is STD Awareness Month, Romance Awareness Month (STDs and Romance…Silly August), and National Eye Exam Month

The 3^rd is National Mustard Day

The 8^th is “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day”…which I assume is an Innuendo (giggity)

The 12^th is “Acknowledge your Middle Child Day”…which is the only time you should acknowledge them, so, use it wisely middle children of the world!

The 21^st is “National Old People Day”

And on the 29^th…the ever important, “Use Herbs not salt Day” …which I assume is code for something illegal…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 40.5: Whodunnit?

Don't get to excited...This is just a little blurb because I want some emails about this topic!, 

I never really talk about TV but I have found my "cracked out" show for this summer holiday…

Really Quickly…does anyone watch the Show “Whodunnit”? If not I suggest you do…it is so hilariously terrible that it is actually fun to watch… If you haven’t been watching Whodunnit, then you've been missing out on some of the campiest, crappiest, most ridiculous reality television in TV history (and believe me…I hate reality TV). If anything you have to watch it because of these few images….

So much Plaid...So much Huddling

The face of a true detective

Da Fuq?!...speechless

What is “Whodunnit”…It's a reality show about 13 contestants in a mansion and one of them is the killer. The contestants solve clues on how the victim was killed. The person with the most inaccurate testimony gets killed off.

Just making a suggestion to my faithful and not so faithful readers...

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 38.5: IT'S GONNA BE MAY!

Haha...this was the photo that started it all on this blog...or one of them...

Oh, and a year ago today I started this blog...sooooo TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS TURNS 1 TODAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTEO TORRE!

I am going out to celebrate...later readers!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 32.5: Quick, Simple, and WHO IS THAT?!

Hey everyone...so I rarely pay attention to some of the advertisements on my page...most if not all are about "Substance Addiction and Rehabilitation Centers" or meeting "Christian Singles". Which I guess is Blogger's way of telling me I might have issues that I should look into at some point...cough cough...However, when currently checking what ads pop up...I found this one nestled in between two posts...

WHO THE HELL IS THIS!?

WHY IS HE WINKING!?

WHY ARE HIS SHIRTS ONLY SIX DOLLARS!?

WHY AM I HYPNOTIZED BY HIS CHARM!?

WHY ARE HIM AND I NOT FRIENDS!?

I really think this is a winning advertisement...so I ask you blogger...keep this man on my page (hidden though) and readers if you want to go a cool site with AWESOME tshirt deals head on over to http://www.6dollarshirts.com...if anything you gotta check it out because of the Friendly "come hither" wink he is giving...

So "6dollarshirt man" I don't know what to think of you but I am intrigued..

POST NUMERO 31.2: Whoops, Black Out advice

WOW! I forgot a huge thing from my last crappy post!

I forgot to add one more AMAZING way of surviving a black out...in fact this might be one of the most positive and beneficial survival tips:

RED WINE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED

Yes, that is right...when bad weather hits...and everything in the refrigerator starts to head south...just remember that most liquor never really goes bad...and most does not require refrigeration!
So next time bad weather is on its way...stock up!

It's a good thing...

Blacking out does have numerous meanings after all!

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31: The Black Out

HEY READERS…did you miss me?…yeeeeaaaaah you did!

So I live on the east coast of the USA…in one of the many regions effected by that bitch Sandy (Hurricane Sandy…for those who might think Sandy is a person). Luckily, after the storm our house looks virtually untouched, our land is a 6 out of 10 on the destruction meter, and we are immensely lucky compared to what could have happened. The biggest bitch however was the fact of how we lost power and how EVERYTHING FREAKING RUNS ON ELECTRICITY…

Now, for those who might not know this fact or whom might have just woken up from a coma that has lasted many years every modern doohickey, light, or electronic device is useless without power! So after a grand total of 13 days without power (even currently the damn lights are still flickering) it has been restored…

Why am I telling you this, well, FOR ONCE my laziness is not the reason for my lack of posts…this time it was pure natural disaster…

Yep, Hurricane Sandy hit my area REAL bad and my prayers and positive thoughts go out to those affected by the storm…

SO, being that I have spent the past 13 days in the freezing ass dark I mentally jotted down some ways to Survive a Black Out in the most sarcastic way possible:

Ok firstly: Prepare your house BEFORE hand…duh…being prepared is half the battle…make sure you are stocked up on plenty of NON-perishable food and other stuff. Have bottled water ready and other stuff to make sure you don’t starve or dehydrate. Going out during or after a storm means absolute chaos…people turn into animals and will do anything to claim a battery, a jug or water, or that generator (I know first hand...I am one of those animals...just ask my neighborhood Home Depot...in my defense though...no one should ever mess with me at Home Depot)

Secondly: Get your flashlights, and candles out BEFORE it gets dark…Listen, this is huge because my family NEVER EVER DOES THIS (I always do…they just never have gotten the memo). Some people have great night vision…I am not one of those people. I am blind at night! So if you pride yourself on being one of "those people" who can see in the dark and have "amazing night vision"...I will show you a perfect combination indifference and "STFU" until you prove it by turning off the lights, taking off you shoes, and navigating a tile floor filled with scattered Lego bricks.

Let me see your "Great Night Vision Now"!

Thirdly: Don’t fucking rearrange your house before the storm. YOU WON’T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED…So long story short…we have a bunch of fucking Palm Trees…yes that is right…Palm Trees. Upon hearing that the temperature was going to drop my Father began the ritual of bringing all the outdoor plants indoors… BAD FREAKING IDEA NUMBER 1…my Mother then rearranged the plants neatly around the house (In front of windows…next to doors…directly in the way of EVERYTHING). Of course with the presence of the beloved palms…furniture was moved… The amount of freaking times I got poked by a sharp palm tree frond or tripped over a newly placed piece of furniture…let me put it this way…one of the palm trees was angrily thrown out of a second floor window by the second day of darkness.

I don’t know…just be prepared

I am slightly off guard currently being that Halloween was cancelled and It is already November...

BTW…a man can only play Monopoly so many freaking times…

Anyway…

It is November….wow…I have missed two weeks out of my life that I will never get back...Anyway, keep those effected by Hurricane Sandy in your mind, hearts, and prayers.

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!