Two
Things:
- Guess who just got home from a Date...
- Guess who just remembered their password!
::Points
to self:: This Guy!
I
had forgotten the password to this blog over 2 years ago and I just
spent the past week trying to remember not only the REAL information
I put into my profile but also the fake personality I created in
order to keep some anonymity...If you forget your password the only
thing sites DON'T ask for is a blood sample
It
was an ordeal that I can only describe as something similar to the
John Cusack movie “Identity” ...which personality real or fake
knew what the hell fake email I used and what my fake first pet's
name was...
 |
| Ray Liotta...great movie... |
So
I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads blogs. In fact when I
click “Next Blog” the only other blog that comes up is a German
Blog featuring Bibles quotes and various religious
imagery...basically the same thing as this blog...
I
guess for this moment... I'll go with “Field of Dreams” logic and
say, “If I write it...they will come”
 |
| Ray Liotta was also in this movie.... |
OK,
it has been over two years since the last time I posted anything, and
the only reason I am posting is because the date went so bad that I
thought of topics the whole time.
Let
me catch you up on the past 2 years (Here are ten at random):
- My life has been chaos as normal
- I still have no Idea what I want to do as a “grown up” or how to act as one
- I have fell into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery (although harsh sounding, this is not exaggeration)
- I remember very little of 2014 & 2015
- I have developed an adorable and endearing habit of making bird noises at people in order to get their attention
- I probably curse and use profanity about 60% more then I did in Fucking 2013
- I have added many more items to my list of “Things I can't stand/hate”
- I have developed an addiction to “On demand”
- I have had Tina Turners “Private Dancer” stuck in my mind on repeat for the past 2 years
- I still freaking love Backpacks
OK,
so they are not the best facts but it is hard to think when my father
is watching “Jersey Boys” at the highest volume down the hall
(Not kidding, I am expecting the neighbors to call for a noise
complaint any second now)
So,
Sorry not Sorry for not writing...but
here are the excuses...
- My computer broke and I lost everything...I lost all the work on the “Book”...You would think that being born in the era of budding technology I would have learned to back my shit up...but I didn't.
- I have been using my time on other social media websites...Instagram has grown on me...Snapchat not so much...
- I now Ebay!
- Why did no one tell me that blogging is dead! HOWEVER, from what I hear, “Vlogging” is the new “Blogging” and that is not going to happen because the guy behind these words is 185 pounds of Eyebrows and Hostility.
- I got a new computer...I hate it...If Satan Endorsed a computer it would be the Lenovo IdeaPad 100...
- Etc...Etc...Etc...
So...It is February...the Shittiest
time of the year...
In my opinion, February is the year's
equivalent of stepping on something wet when wearing just socks...
It is the most bone-chilling month of
the year...February does not fall into the pleasant “Winter
Wonderland” type of cold, but is more of a brutal “rips your face
off” cold. Sure, November, December, and January are freezing BUT
there are holidays and constant food to dull the pain. February has
nothing...just sadness, emotions, and cold. It is so bad that even
father time made it proportionately shorter then the rest of the
other months just so we can get it done faster.
But the Absolute Worst part of
February...Valentine's Day...
My quick summary about Valentine's Day: Valentines Day is a grotesque consumerist Hallmark holiday designed to make people feel awful about their lives...It is the worst...
There is only one good thing that has came out of Valentine's Day in the past 30 years..."I cho-cho-choose you."....
Anyway, so onto the date....it crashed, it burned, and I still had to pay for it.
So
how it began:
I recently and hilariously joined
online dating...and let me tell you...it is like swimming in an
“un-chlorinated” public pool...
I don't know exactly why I joined
but I remember who told me to try online dating and they said, “What
is the worst that could happen...” or was it “You need all the
help you can get...what is the worst that could happen” It was
probably more of the second...
So I went to the very popular
“PlentyoFish.com”. I set up a profile, picked out a non offensive
photo, and wrote something about the things I love (The Walking Dead,
Travel, Fresh Fruit, Pizza, Walks on the Beach, and Food). I resisted
every urge to write about how I'm a sarcastic Asshole and I tried to
stay as normal as possible. I kicked my feet up, and waited for the
responses and matches to roll in.
After about 2 weeks I finally got my
first message which turned out to be a computer generated response
telling me that I did not confirm my account and until I verify my
profile I would not be published. Little did I know that would be the
most promising email I would receive from that moment on...
Why? Why do I not see the promise?!
What is Online Dating?! Well, Online dating is a sad, soul crushing
hell where good guys (Like myself) go to die a slow painful death by
way of ignored messages, false hope, and empty inboxes.
Like me, most guys will look through
profile after profile and send carefully crafted messages that show
both interest and attention to detail. ALL of them will not
respond...wait, one will....but wait...she is awful...this is how it
went tonight:
A “cool” girl wrote me and we
made some good conversation back and forth. It was banter at its best
and we swapped stories about vacations, our jobs, and our favorite
movies. It was going well so I asked her to meet up “in real life.”
I wanted something cozy, and fun so I settled on hitting up a bar
down the street plus I figured why not start with what I do best,
drinking.
We met up there and I am not one to
ever be nervous, but, I found myself struggling for conversation...
FUN FACT: I try to stay the same or
strive to be better then what I portray online and I was quickly
realizing that she was not as pretty or funny as I had hoped she'd be
or as her profile stated. Something was different about her photo
from how she looked in real life, and I was positive that she had not
seen half the movies that we chatted about. None of her profile
seemed to jive with what she was saying and the “interests” we
shared seemed to be talked about with an almost “just googled it
quickly” amount of knowledge. Yet we trudged on, ordered some food
for the table, and we chatted. She kept checking her phone...This was
the “Crash”
Onto the “Burn”...Then the
judgmental ass in me began to emerge...I realized she kept saying
how, Her and her single friends are going to be celebrating something
called, “GAL-antine's Day” by drinking Mimosas and going to
brunch...The word by the end of the night became like nails on a
chalk board to my ears.
The conversation went as such:
Me: So tomorrow I have no plans,
but I can't stand this cold...it is too cold to do anything
Her: Yeah, me too, but I hope it
does not effect my “GAL-antine's Day” and
then she would check her phone...
or
Me: So I hear, “The Walking
Dead” comes back tomorrow...are you excited?
Her: Yes, can't wait to relax and
watch it after “GAL-antine's Day” and
then she would check her phone...
I'd say tomato, and she'd
say...”Gal-antine's Day!” and then she would check her phone...
No big deal though, I could not
fault her excitement about something stupid...and I kindly and warmly
kept replying back about; How fun it all sounded and how I hope she
has a good time (which I actually meant)...But she talked of nothing
else...Nothing...At one point I was just hoping to start an argument
just to see if she could find a way to fit GAL-antine's Day into the
fight...
BUT WAIT this is where is got really
bad, the phone checking...what was the constant phone checking...
Then I noticed the fact of how (and I only noticed because I could
see the reflection of her phone in the window behind her) she was on
TINDER during our date. Yes that is right folks...bitch was Tindering
while we were talking about our life goals. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LEFT
SWIPING AND RIGHT SWIPING WHILE WE SAT THERE! I was dumb founded and
thank you JESUS we went someplace with Booze...
But there was sadly no
chemistry...it was just awkward conversation...I called it quits,
paid, and went home...was it worth it, not really. Was her profile a
bucket of lies and did I find her to be a waste of a
night...ABSOLUTLY!
Sitting in the booth with her (as
she surfed TINDER and ate my Sweet Potato Fries) my mind wandered...I
made some rules to try and combat the pitfalls of online dating:
- On Internet dating sites everyone is uniquely the same...Everybody loves books and is well-read, everyone enjoys jogging in the park and running marathons, everyone listens to the coolest music and watches the hottest TV shows. Everyone is intellectual, grown-up, refined and perfect...WELL, that is all Bull Crap...Realize that people are trying to sell themselves and nothing makes people more desperate and dishonest then when trying to find love... Don't trust anyone.
Watch out for People who
misrepresent themselves in their photos or who have thousands of
other people in their photo. If the photo looks like a girls
Volleyball team photo or the Kappa Kappa Sorority class portrait
more then likely I can guarantee that the one you think is the cute
one is not the one who owns the profile. It is a trick! RED ALERT!
TRICK! Watch I'll Give you an Example...The person the yellow arrows are point to... that is the Girl who actually owns the profile...example:- People, and it has been proven, have a way to look completely different online because the pictures they use are drastically outdated or heavily edited. Woman are more likely to post a photo looking like Kim Kardashian but in real life look like Caitlyn Jenner. Watch out for this and ask for photos. If you are not a creep and you are actually trying to find love and vice versa then the girl should provide...don't be a dick though and not reciprocate (I'm talking in terms of clean none xxx photos...you be you though...I won't tell you how to live your life...). Ask for photos involving vacations and or life events (If she ran that marathon she should have at least one photo)...it is just a good way to get a better view of who she is.
- Look out for ANYONE who's profile picture is them posing in a Bathroom Mirror...this is more of a Pet Peeve of mine but I have realized it rings true most of the time. If you are posing in a bathroom mirror...I don't even know...is it the lighting...I'm just going to assume it is the only room in your house...Is it that hard to find a more interesting place to take a photo or to set a timer...Especially being that most the times the photos are either in a public bathroom where I know someone is hiding in the stall until you leave, or in your home where the mirror is covered in dirt and old toothpaste...Just the second I see a reflection I automatically raise the red flag.
Anyway,
Tonight Sucked...BUT I'M BACK!
Anyway,
More Posts Coming Soon
Keep
Emailing me your suggestions…
READ,
SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS,
SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!
