Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!
Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like
a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim
Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!
Womp Womp Woooooomp!
Yep, Swim Suit Season…
Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I
like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked
up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this
topic.
For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same
crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself,
“Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can
honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all
melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am
not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m
very confident and super cool.
But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a
long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy
the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to
the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s
swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock
of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I
really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).
I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut
butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for
anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on
my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding
in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I
take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics
which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice
that these are ridiculous.
1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness
as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a
stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling
them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum,
bum, bum, bum.” This works because no
one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it
rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so
creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3)
most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency
to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.
2)Try wearing a nude
swimsuit. This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the
outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy
with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).
People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the
parts of you that are actually exposed.
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| If you go to Italy... and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back... well...you and I could never be friends |
3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...
 |
| HA, please...if you own one of these... email me because I have so many questions! |
Which
reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!
 |
| A real 18 pack right there... |
But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going
to be awkward as hell …
Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous
for tonight…
Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…
READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!
LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!!
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