POST NUMERO 22.1: Quick Message

Oh I forgot, here is just a quick personalized shout out comprised of false names, and lack of detail!

DEAR MORGAN & LAURA,
REMEMBER ALWAYS, THAT BITCHES BE BITCHES!...AND THAT BITCHES AIN'T SHIT!
SINCERELY,
MATTEO

I will explain "Bitches ain't shit" in another post!
cheers, salute, chin chin!!!

POST NUMERO 22: HE-double hockey sticks, and thundering f__ks

So I was trying to fit this in as a third “Sunday-Funday” post… but this has turned into a Monday night post…but eh…it happens…but guess what…it is now become a Tuesday night post…

So today I was listening to the radio and one of my new favorite songs came on, Payphone by Maroon 5…now I am a huge fan of the band and they are high on my list of people I would love to meet in real life and hang out with. So as I am listening to the song and I am hearing these awkward gaps in the lyrics…everything was rhyming…everything seemed to be going smoothly…but something was missing…as I sat and listened through the song concentrating hard on the lyrics and swerving all over the road…I realized the song was being censored…so when I got home…I decided to delve into the YouTube world and listen to the “uncensored version”…and wowza…I LOVE ME SOME PROFANITY!

I love when people use “bad language” and curse in normal conversation and I love when I hear it in music. I for one try to keep my vocabulary as cuss free, proper, and clean as possible (everyone reading this who ACTUALLY knows me, probably just rolled their eyes) but I can’t help but drop a few f-bombs from time to time.

I did not start using “bad language” until around 7^th grade and even then I felt like cursing was the equivalent of setting something on fire or grand theft auto. I would go about my day saying words like “narf”, “dang”, and the ever stupid “fudge”.

My first time cursing in public was when I was reading a story out loud in 6^th grade and in the reading was the word HELL (dun dun dunnnnn). I was so scared by the word and the possible repercussions of saying it that I (to save the virgin ears of the other students and my teacher) pronounced the word hell as “H-E- double hockey sticks” and when my teacher said it was ok to say “it” I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and the class gasp. It was traumatizing and I will remember it to this day…the giggling still haunts me every time I close my eyes…

...just saying it makes me feel dirty....

Anyway, I know that some people grew up with cursing…but I seriously grew up with the idea that bad words were a direct way to get hit with a wooden spoon (crazy Italians)…in fact now that I look back on my childhood…my parents actually cursed a lot…just not in English…

In honesty…I am sure some folks can remember when they actually heard their first "f__k" or "s_it." I even remember when my brother, Silvio, started using curse words (it was during a baseball game…he was pitching…and cursing A LOT…The Torre family took T-ball very seriously)

Anyway, sometimes I feel like there is a need for a good “curse”…for example…

If something drops on your foot…curse

If someone cuts your off while driving…curse

Your friend becomes a Sloppopotamus…curse

You become a Sloppopotamus…curse

You wake up from a coma…curse

Papercut…curse

Curse…curse…curse…curse

I however get extreme satisfaction when certain people curse and the methods of there verbal dirtiness

For example…I have an uncle who starts every conversation with “OH SHIT!” …it could be the most innocent of conversations…but every line starts with “OH SHIT!”:

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Did you see what your aunt made for dinner?

Matteo/Me: Yes Uncle Torre

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Doesn’t it look good?…OH SHIT. You know why she made it?…because OH SHIT!, she loves you!!.

My father’s favorite curse: “Sonna-bitch-an-bastard” 

say it really fast and combine everyword…he uses it for everything…

I feel also to lighten up and add some new punch into curse words (as well as some good practice for the SATs) is to add some sort of colorful adjective before hand…my adjective of choice is: “thundering”

Examples
She can be a real "thundering b-tch" when she is angry!

I just really enjoy the idea of cursing…I forgot what movie or show I was watching once where it talked about how, “truly, there are so few words in the English language…so we might as well you them all”.

So what makes swear words so “taboo” and what makes people feel uncomfortable when using them? I have no idea…

I will post more soon!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 21: How to Get in Line

SUNDAY FUNDAY!

Hello Readers!

So it is Sunday, and if you have not realized from my past posts, that means Church and Cereal!!!

Ok so, today my day started off in a bright way with going to church and then (without realizing) the church was holding a reception afterwards!...I love church…but church followed by food I love even better! Anyway, there was a reception after the mass for an induction of a new deacon and this reception consisted of a light lunch of numerous different sandwiches and refreshments. The place was PACKED to capacity and it was amazing to see how people were lined up well into the parking lot to fill their plates with various pasta salads, sandwiches, and mini quiches. I repeat, the place was packed!

However, no worries, I am a professional when it comes to being able to weave in an out of places in order to get something (In this case food). No way in hell was I skipping out on shrimp salad sandwiches and turkey wraps!! So I had to play dirty, I am so freaking good, that by the time people had even realized…I was walking away confidently with a plate full of food avoiding and ignoring the line behind me. How? Well let me tell you… here is some of my golden hints (insert some angelic music/noise)

Mind you these tips go for a lot of events where there are lines, serve yourself buffet events, free stuff giveaways, or if you need to just cut in line for something.

I am going to speak in terms of a event such as the one above where I was waiting in line (or at least supposed to be) for food. These are important to guarantee you get to the good food before it all runs out (in other words…these tips can get you the steak as opposed to the vegetable platter)

yum...vegetable platter...same thing as steak....kind of...

1)      Just freaking cut in line: This one is self explanatory, just do it! Most people won't question it or are too focused on what they want from the table to even notice

2)      Pretend you know or are related to someone in line…all it takes is a simple conversation or a “OMG I have not seen you in ages” comment to make it all work…Here are a few examples of comments to use to ease into a line

-“Hello!, wow you look amazing…how have you been?”

-“Hi, how are your parents doing?”

-“WOW,  I have not seen you since “that time”…remember…wow it was so much fun”

      Basically, If you confuse the hell out of them it works in your favor and you gain enough time to grab as much food as you can and everyone ends up blaming your “new friend” for letting you break into the line

3)      Don’t waste freaking time…don’t do it…don’t talk to anyone…ignore everyone…walk in and get right in line…cut done on time to get farther in line. This should guarantee you some food

4)      Don’t waste time getting drinks or forks…grab a plate and go right for the food…people don’t mind stepping aside for you to grab a fork and knife…but they sure as hell do mind if you step in line for food. Same with drinks…wait till after you guarantee yourself some food.

5)      Start a new line…at the OTHER end of the table…or on the other side of the table…people can’t bitch at you because of your extreme efficiency…plus…more then likely people will join you in the new line and chaos should ensue…use the chaos to stuff your face

6)      ACT LIKE YOU RUN THE PLACE (all while stealing food)…be the person in charge…pass out some plates to some people around you…check to make sure the cheese platter is still filled…just make it look like “you set this shit up…and you will take this crap down”…people won’t mind if you grab a few sandwiches if they think you are the person who set it all up.

7)      Take everything…you might not be able to go back and get more…so serve yourself with a heavy hand…think you can only have one sandwich…take 6…try everything…just do it and pretend you are getting stuff for others at your table…BUT SO HELP ANYONE IF THEY TRY AND TAKE SOME OF YOUR FOOD!!!

Use these tips at your next event and have some fun with it. I will post again later…thank you to those readers who welcomed me back! I promise (somewhat) that I will try and go back to posting virtually every night. Anyway…maybe, readers, if you are lucky

RANDOM THOUGHT!....I really reeeeallly want some Sparklers and fireworks…anyone have any ideas…

Anyway…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 21: Running to Work and No Shirt, Shoes, or Service

So I have not been in the writing mood lately (as you can see by my absence)…I think it is because my summer fever has hit an all time high…the last post was pathetic and I actually am somewhat ashamed at how many Russians I have lost as followers…so “прости меня” Russia!!

Anyway, So today readers I tried a whole “not driving into work because I wanted to save gas and also be healthy thing” AKA “my car was on empty and I have no friends who could have driven me the 4 minutes to work”…So like any “sane professional” I decided to run to school and arrive a sweaty mess.

Ok so running to work had its positives and negatives

Positives:

-I felt like a freaking exercise maniac

-I kept telling myself, “Look at me being all healthy… and Running…stuff”

-I got to school with an abnormal amount of energy

-I woke up this morning and it was sunny so I got to enjoy the weather a little bit more

-I bought myself another day of delaying paying for gas

-I got to rock out to blasting music while running

-If anyone saw me running…it might have been a turn on??? (HAHAHA DOUBT IT!!! I RUN LIKE A MORON)

Negatives:

-My scanty-European-flimsy shorts could be considered “inappropriate for work”

-I had to change clothes when I got to school

-I arrived an angry mess

-I was a sweaty beast upon arrival

-I run on a main road

-I hate running

-I run really funny and I flail

-With no car…I had nothing to cry in, and eat in during my lunch break

-I really hate running

But I enjoyed it…I felt stupid…but I really enjoyed it…

Anyway…NEW THOUGHT

So, it was funny (at least to me)…Today I ran into the grocery store quickly in order to buy some of my necessary items (booze, cigarettes, and of course…toothpaste) and while checking out I saw the very cliché “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE” sign. Seriously, I understand that this sign DOES have significance in certain places…but seriously…

ONE, the place I walked into should NOT be that picky…as far as convenience stores go…this one is a dive...

TWO, I don’t really know a lot of people who drive around places and strip off their clothes or are already half naked upon arrival (unless at the beach)

THREE, Ok so I need a shirt, and I need some shoes….but LOOP hole…I don’t need pants

FOUR, I live in an area where it is not very likely to have people walk around half naked (slutty is a different story)…I live in very much the definition of suburbia

FIVE, I repeat…why leave the LOOP hole that is pants...Pants Off, Dance Off

Then being the wise ass I am…I had to ask…”How often do you ACTUALLY have to enforce that rule”…and the employee’s response was…”I never even noticed that sign was there” (the sign was large)

But really, I don’t exactly understand these signs…or maybe I am just not used to them…I feel it is one of those “down the shore”/ ”at the beach type of things”. Having grown up in Italy the signs usually say “Clothing Optional” as opposed to the “No…No…No Service”.

When I was there last I think I only wore a shirt to go out at night and the same for shoes. People were barefoot and shirtless and surrrrre it might not have been proper but people were sure as hell not denied service. It was very liberating…

Same thinking should be utilized down the shore when, believe it or not, people actually walk around with just swim trunks on these signs can be appropriate…but still, I don’t know why I find this concept so hard to wrap my head around. Maybe I just enjoy being half naked…I really enjoy walking barefoot…but those signs just make me think and become confused…It is kind of like when I see “no smoking signs” in illogical places. For example, when I see them in elementary school classrooms...

DAMN IT, I knew I should not have removed that sign....

However, I do take notice of one thing…and in my opinion…(here comes my PSA that contradicts this whole post) shoes are very necessary when walking around in public stores. I see it as a HUGE liability…you would not want to step on anything sharp, harmful, or hazardous. However…the shirt thing…I guess it is a distraction, or a way to negate unfortunate people from being undressed in public?

However a person has dominion over his/her own body…

THAT’S WHY I SAY CONFIDENTLY:  NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO PROBLEM!

In fact…lets make a new sign with some bigger issues…when is someone going to create the

NO FOOD, NO ALCOHOL, NO FUN sign

Or my version

NO VODKA,  NO VODKA, NO HAPPYNESS sign

More posts coming soon, I Promise…

FOR NOW

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 20: Mosquitos and Warm Nights

So I have been loving this weather lately…I really have… but when people come up to me and say things like:

“Ugh, Warm summer nights are made for being out in the open air and great outdoors…”

Or

“Spring and Summer nights…when it is hot…are made to be spent under the stars”

Aren’t statements like those so wonderfully beautiful, so wonderfully true, and so very WONDERFULLY POETIC!!!! Well how about who ever is saying these statements also so wonderfully SHUTS the HELL UP!!

When people say things like that I want to look them in the eye with disgust and reply back…

“Nice Try, Mosquito disguised as a human!”

...."We Should go outside...and relax a while..."

I mean really…it is wonderful weather…but if you are anything like me…you get eaten alive when you so much as open a window or better yet…look at a window…

So, anyway…sorry I have not posted in a while…been very busy/lazy...I owe a bunch more posts...ones better then this...

I am back in the game kids!!

POST NUMERO 19.52: "The Host", and my Mothers Questioning

Wow, it is only Saturday midday and I have already been out and about! So. I woke up early so I could catch my goddaughters/cousins dance recital…and holy smoley…it was one of the cutest things ever. I was dumbfounded by the cuteness of it all! It was so glittery and adorable…and then the woman sitting next to me ruined it…but she was just a terrible person (I may or may not have gotten into a shouting match with a stranger…)

Ok, so last night I was supposed to go out with friends…Before I was able to leave, the Torre house was invaded with my parent’s friends. Firstly, I enjoy these people so I did not mind that they arrived unannounced and came in with a rush of “fiery italian-ness” and a Panetone (Panetone makes everything better).

As I said…I have no issues with these people what-so-ever…they are some extremely interesting characters and I love when our families get together…my one issue from last night has nothing to do with them…my problem was that my mother left me in charge of being The Host”.

Ok, so the duties of “The Host” are to act charming and stuff…be witty…and whatever. The difficulty is that my mother usually goes off on tangents which provide no help, cause chaos, and make me a horribly nervous person.

Her main technique of doing this is when she says things such as:

“Can you get out the tall cups…but not the heavy ones with the bottoms!”

Or

“Go get that thing from the room” (what room?! what thing?!)

Or my personal favorite

“Matteo, tell them the story about that one time…” (this example is my favorite because usually when my mother says this example, it was an event I was not part of or even knew about)

Anyone have that experience…I would love to hear some of those questions…

Anyway it was there were some crazy conversations and I really like when people invade my house! Anyway tonight I have an outing with some people! Happy Saturday everyone…hope everything is going amazing out in the Cyberland

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19.5: HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!

Alright so I realized I forgot to mention, HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!!!!

What a Jerk I am...June is a huge month and I did not even mention it...I mean come on…June is not only the 6^th month of our calendar year…it is also:

Adopt A Shelter Cat Month
Dairy Month
Flag Month
Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month
General Safety Month
Audio book Month

Candy Month

Dairy Month

Firework Safety Month

Iced Tea Month

People Skills Month

Turkey Lovers Month

WOAH! JUNE HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER!!! However these are some observances that I think should be created and included to honor June:

“Get the Fuck out of Work” Month

Bug Spray Month

“Get in your car after it has been parked outside for a while and it feels like hell” Month

Liquor and Drinks on the Rocks month

“Try to hide the fact of how it is becoming hot as balls” Month

How to maximize the importance of June...click on the picture for a bigger view...

Jeeze...my first post of June (now that I reread it) is kind of "sucky"...I mean come on...it was a post about "jumping into a pool"...so I am going to have to post a bunch of stuff today to make it better...Ugh sometimes my good thoughts about life (aka my "extreme genius") ...just gets messed up in all the typing and wording...

Plus readers it sounded like I condoned something awful in that last post (which now that I reread was just terrible really)...so let me make it clear to you all...

DO NOT JUMP INTO A POOL THAT IS NOT CLEAN!

it is gross...

I will however issue you all a challenge:

Do something relatively easy that challenges your comfort zone!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS JUNE!

POST NUMERO 19: I Jumped, and Drank

Sometimes you just live on the edge and do things you never would…Readers, a few nights ago I had one of those “live on the edge” type of moments…I was so far on the edge that my inner dialogue was going on full rant and questioning every second of what was happening…it was like I was possessed!.

After reading that ^^^….you should all be on the edge of your seats!!...but believe me readers it was nothing “big”! (actually screw that...for me it was monumental)

So on Memorial Day after completing the family BBQ I was invited over a friend’s house for a relaxing evening. These friends are amazing people, and some of the best I know. It is amazing how kind and generous they are and how amazing this group of friends is…Anyway…back to the story...

It was an amazingly fun Memorial Day. I started off the day with sleeping in and a nice bit of relaxing while surfing the Internet for blog ideas. I had a pear for breakfast…while eating that pear I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was for it to be a Monday and not be at work. I dusted my room, cleaned out my car, and put away general crap…I then ate another piece of fruit (another pear). I prepared many things for the family BBQ including various chips and dips and also normal BBQ food (hamburgers, marinated chicken, and hotdogs)…Then family came over and we did a very normal family BBQ…nothing exciting…very cookie cutter…very Italian…very there…annnnd then I snapped slightly from the wholesome family goodness.

Don't get me wrong...as I have said in past posts I really do love my family...but I had hit my boiling point. I needed to get out of the house! So after dinner was over I was in need of something exciting…that is when the magic happened and I received a call from friends (those mentioned above) inviting me over for ANOTHER BBQ!...Miracles do occur!!!

So I went! 

WOWZA DID I HAVE FUN!

I LIVED ON THE EDGE!

and

I TURNED INTO A BEER DRINKER! (I put away the vodka for the evening and jumped right into the Becks)...It was just "good livin".

So…big news…and the somewhat point of this post...I had a “living on the edge” moment…I FREAKING JUMPED INTO THE POOL!!!! I WAS IN THE POOL!!! I, MATTEO TORRE, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR, THAT I LITERALLY JUMPED INTO THE POOL AS A CHALLENGE... WHEN NO ONE WAS IN THE POOL!!!

…ok readers you probably just rolled your eyes…but this is huge for me…I am never ever that type of person…I always make a horrible excuse and chicken out…I am just kind of not “that person” who accepts challenges like that… I was soooo proud of myself!...I stripped off my shirt...and jumped...it was all very unexpected of me...I have to admit...I was a very cool person!

HOWEVER DOWN SIDE!!!!!!!

in fact, let me rephrase

DOOOOOOOWNSIDE FROM HELL!!! Shortly after I jumped in I came to the realization that I had jumped into a very unshocked, uncleaned, and dirty pool. The pool had only recently been uncovered (about 4 minutes before I took the plunge)...so... IMPETIGO and DISEASE here I come!

I did do it however! so instead of rolling your eyes readers...Applaud me! Scream out HOORAY MATTEO!!!...AUGURI MATTEO!!!...BRAVO!!!...or just keep on reading my next few posts...which ever one works!

ANYWAY!, I know readers…I promise things and do not deliver…I have been mega busy…I have stories on the way and a bunch of half finished blog posts that I will try and put up over the weekend…School is almost out for summer!...HOORAY!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

more posts coming soon!