POST NUMERO 30: Breathing, and Your Brain is Screwing You!

Alright, so I KNOW this has happened to everyone…don’t even lie readers because even if it has not…then be prepared…something horrible is about to happen…

I warn you readers…this post will make normal bodily functions feel awkward…immensely awkward…so Readers Beware

Ready:

Think about how you breath…is it slow?…is it loud?…does it make a slight whistle noise when you exhale?…Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? How big of an inhale do you take?...Does you chest move up and down a lot, or a little?

I don’t know…but now that I have made you aware of your breathing…you can’t figure out how to get it out of your mind!

Some of you are now wondering why is your breathing “happening like that!”

Some of you might now be breathing harder or trying to slow the pace…

Some of you might just be holding your breath and panicking…

Or, some of you might do what I did…which is forget how to breath!

I am doing it right now! UGH, my mind has fallen victim to my own writing…

Alright, why am I writing about this…well, because yesterday at church I became completely aware of my breathing and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!

No joke…I was horrified…sure I was probably just being crazy…but I just could not stop what I thought sounded like a mixture of a Vuvuzela and a Light Breeze…

Ok, now, stop thinking about your breathing (if you can)…inhale..exhale…calm…

I was so embarrassed during the mass...I just could not control the idea of “breathing normally”…My brain had went into overdrive to screw with me and then (from what I could remember) I began to pant like a dog…then I couldn’t remember how to breath at all…(which REALLY made matters COMPLETELY worse!)

Now that I know some of you can compare or relate…what else is comparable to the “Noticing your Breathing” awkwardness?…An awkwardness syndrome caused by our brain's ability to act independently with the sole purpose of messing/screwing/fucking with us…

So here are some other examples of Brain Treachery:

The moment when you realize how you actually walk. This one is difficult because many factors come into play and can be perceived as awkward while walking. Next time you stand up take notice of such factors as: Does your walk appear to others as a constant running pace?...Does it look like your hips are running away from the rest of your body? Do you walk on a tilt or perhaps parts of your body lag behind? Do you take tiny or big strides? Do you flail? Do you swing you legs like a puppet? Are you the person who accidentally matches the pace of whoever is walking with you or accidentally creates a new pace…It is very strange…but the next time you walk…suddenly (because of your mind and perhaps this blog post) you might become aware of what your legs are doing (I love my walk…my hips are everywhere…but then again…what else is new)

Another one of my favorite examples (and by favorite I mean…one of the top examples I am horrified of) is what does your “listening face” look like.  We all have a “paying attention” face…the one we slap on in class when we are trying to look interested. Yet, few know what their face looks like when they read or if one is just standing idle…does your mouth gape open…do you squint…do you look ridiculous… Think of it…the next time you stare off into space…what does you face look like when you don’t remember your face is there. I have witnessed my own idle face on accident…it was not a good look…picture a face consisting of an “open mouth, angry wide eyes, and a whole lot of eyebrow at varying hieghts” all while still having a complete blank expression.

I just…I don’t even know…Welcome to the Way the Brain gets back at you for all those thoughts and actions you think go by the wayside…

SCREWING YOU OVER ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME!!!

Anyway...just wanted to write something...

More Posts Coming Soon

Lots of feedback and emails I have to reply to!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 28:Going Back to Work and Fall Tips

Sometimes, like right now, I suddenly sit bolt upright, shake my head, and scream (in my own head)
WTF am I doing?!?

So as Summer 2012 finishes I realize I have accomplished little or nothing that I had planed…Zippo…nada…zilch…EPPERS!

But don’t worry…I know summer 2013 is fast approaching…along with Christmas…and new years…and DAMN IT this was a suck-tastic summer...

Anyway, I slightly enjoy this time of year because I get flashbacks to when I was younger. Back when a curly haired, innocent, adorable, and non-cynical Matteo used to hop and skip his way to school. Whose idea of “getting wild” was fighting trees during recess. Whom would drool over back to school items and could not wait to going crashing and crackling through lead piles. I really was cute back then…really really cute…but then I grew up and now…ehhhh…such is life…

So now that I am a grown up this time of year primarily means…::drum roll::

GOING BACK TO WORK!!!

And BACK TO WORK I GO!

But, Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?

I spent all summer dreading going back to teaching…however, now that it has started I have begun to get back into the rhythm of it all…why fight the inevitable…

Anyway here are a few Matteo tips to help transition back into the real world and out of summer mode…

1)      Declutter…as soon as Labor Day hits I make it a point to already have cleaned out my room and put away all stuff that rarely comes out during any other part of the year…this includes stuff such as Sun block, extra sunglasses, beach passes, baseball hats, and other “what-evers” that just might bring about that sudden summer mode.

2)      Hide your freaking beach gear…the second that Labor Day comes around I put away all the beach gear…I pack away the beach chairs, beach umbrella, and beach toys and put them all in the basement. I also put the beach towels and blankets back into the closet…With all of it hidden away there is no need to see them as I jet off to work in the mornings and torture my mind with dreaming that I could be lounging around on sand and surf…Out of Site…Out of Mind

3)      The dreaded but necessary switching of the clothing…once again this pains me to do as I organize my stuff and put away my summer clothing…I don’t put them far (just incase I feel like quitting life and running away to some island) but I just reorganize my closet so a pair of jeans is closer for the choosing over a pair of shorts and a pair of sneakers is easier to find then a pair of flip flops. It just makes life easier…plus if you are like me…you can still probably smell the beach and sun on MOST of your summer clothes so it is better to have them away then having them be a fragrant temptress ready to help you freeze your ass off.

4)      Start doing fall things…for example…I planted a pumpkin! (Little joys in life)

5)      Work starts…start working…

6)      School starts…start schooling…

7)      Start the PLEASANT autumn thoughts early: the cooler weather, the autumn colours and smells, the first fire in a fireplace on a crisp autumn evening, the craving for pumpkin soups and pies, the wind rustling through the thinning trees…It is not the brilliant sound of waves crashing or the amazing heat of summer…but autumn has wonderfully vivid moments that you can notice and ENJOY during the commute to work or just when taking a breather…

8)      Switch your drink…trade Corona for Fall Lager, then trade Vodka…with well, VODKA!! (vodka…the season defying drink)

9)      For those still in school and who work till mid afternoon…TRULY UTILIZE the thinning time between ending of school or work and sunset. As fall comes around in my neck of the United States it begins to get dark around 6ish…so for that short time in between I have been trying to go outdoor “hiking” or  “jogging” (I don’t know why I put those words in sketchy air quotes but my fingers did it with out my mind realizing…soooo…my subconscious must be trying to tell me something…)

10)  Stock up on cold medications, and refill ALL necessary sickness combating stuff…this just safeguards for when the day DOES begin to suddenly get colder at night and you get the sniffles

11)  DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS…(I repeat…I planted a pumpkin)…Just do something that you can look forward to after work…work sucks…everyone knows it…but in order to keep sane…plan a few nights out, do a game night, drink and eat…people take an awkward pause because they are all depressed about saying goodbye to summer and then well into fall they actually begin to utilize the season…well blah blah blah…just keep it interesting…and don’t take the break because of work. EVERYONE uses work as an excuse but just use it to heighten the fun at night…

12)  DON’T TALK ABOUT WORK UNLESS YOU ARE AT WORK…my policy when I get home is that “WHEN AT HOME…I DO NOT…IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…TALK ABOUT WORK!!!” Why do I want to ruin my intro to fall by talking about the bastard that is work!...Just leave it out…and use any down time to just enjoy the moment

13)  Some people I have talked to have very awkward limitations on what traditions can be transferred from Summer into Fall…one of the biggest examples of this is I see people lugging in their BBQs while driving home from school…I think that a BBQ is a wonderful way of keeping calm during impending fall and as the work load commences…not everything has a very true start and finish point and a Hamburger is amazing no matter what…so keep BBQing!

14)  So I enjoy being outdoors…the air is just so crisp…but I also pride myself on being a couch potato…soooooo…find something to watch at night so it distracts you…most shows start the first or second week of September so pick something and go with it…it could be a returning show or something new…but it is just nice to find that series or show that you can turn on and rely on to pass time…(come on American Horror Story and come back on!). Some nights I enjoy just going with the flow and picking a show at random (especially if it is a drama it gives me something to think about on the ride to work…)

15)  NO IT IS NOT COLD…it is COLDER! What?! Ok so…as WEEK AGO it was 70…this week it is 65…some how though (and I suffer from it as well) we all think it is suddenly FREEZING outside! However, just bring some layers…it helps at work especially when air conditioners might still be set to max chill. Plus you might be cold because you did not follow tip number 3 and are still running around looking like a beach threw up on you.

16)  Don’t fall for the decoy HOT day…Mother Nature can totally be a bitch at times and make an upcoming day in the upcoming months a very believable scorching summer day…but don’t fall for it and be like YEAH IT FEELS LIKE JUNE! LET’S ALL CAR POOL DOWN TO THE BEACH DURING OUR LUNCH BREAKS! SUMMER IS HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Because it is not…and it won’t be…and it will rather embarrassing and disappointing the next day when you are known as the, “Person who freaked out because of warmth”

I don’t know…I want to give more tips but (aside from sheer lazyness)…basically…even though work has started and summer has came to a close…keep up spirits everyone! Do not make the awkward “womp womp” sad pause and rather just jump in with both feet…anyway…more posts coming soon…now that it is fall I am going to try and write more (what a hollow promise...damn it!)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 22: HE-double hockey sticks, and thundering f__ks

So I was trying to fit this in as a third “Sunday-Funday” post… but this has turned into a Monday night post…but eh…it happens…but guess what…it is now become a Tuesday night post…

So today I was listening to the radio and one of my new favorite songs came on, Payphone by Maroon 5…now I am a huge fan of the band and they are high on my list of people I would love to meet in real life and hang out with. So as I am listening to the song and I am hearing these awkward gaps in the lyrics…everything was rhyming…everything seemed to be going smoothly…but something was missing…as I sat and listened through the song concentrating hard on the lyrics and swerving all over the road…I realized the song was being censored…so when I got home…I decided to delve into the YouTube world and listen to the “uncensored version”…and wowza…I LOVE ME SOME PROFANITY!

I love when people use “bad language” and curse in normal conversation and I love when I hear it in music. I for one try to keep my vocabulary as cuss free, proper, and clean as possible (everyone reading this who ACTUALLY knows me, probably just rolled their eyes) but I can’t help but drop a few f-bombs from time to time.

I did not start using “bad language” until around 7^th grade and even then I felt like cursing was the equivalent of setting something on fire or grand theft auto. I would go about my day saying words like “narf”, “dang”, and the ever stupid “fudge”.

My first time cursing in public was when I was reading a story out loud in 6^th grade and in the reading was the word HELL (dun dun dunnnnn). I was so scared by the word and the possible repercussions of saying it that I (to save the virgin ears of the other students and my teacher) pronounced the word hell as “H-E- double hockey sticks” and when my teacher said it was ok to say “it” I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and the class gasp. It was traumatizing and I will remember it to this day…the giggling still haunts me every time I close my eyes…

...just saying it makes me feel dirty....

Anyway, I know that some people grew up with cursing…but I seriously grew up with the idea that bad words were a direct way to get hit with a wooden spoon (crazy Italians)…in fact now that I look back on my childhood…my parents actually cursed a lot…just not in English…

In honesty…I am sure some folks can remember when they actually heard their first "f__k" or "s_it." I even remember when my brother, Silvio, started using curse words (it was during a baseball game…he was pitching…and cursing A LOT…The Torre family took T-ball very seriously)

Anyway, sometimes I feel like there is a need for a good “curse”…for example…

If something drops on your foot…curse

If someone cuts your off while driving…curse

Your friend becomes a Sloppopotamus…curse

You become a Sloppopotamus…curse

You wake up from a coma…curse

Papercut…curse

Curse…curse…curse…curse

I however get extreme satisfaction when certain people curse and the methods of there verbal dirtiness

For example…I have an uncle who starts every conversation with “OH SHIT!” …it could be the most innocent of conversations…but every line starts with “OH SHIT!”:

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Did you see what your aunt made for dinner?

Matteo/Me: Yes Uncle Torre

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Doesn’t it look good?…OH SHIT. You know why she made it?…because OH SHIT!, she loves you!!.

My father’s favorite curse: “Sonna-bitch-an-bastard” 

say it really fast and combine everyword…he uses it for everything…

I feel also to lighten up and add some new punch into curse words (as well as some good practice for the SATs) is to add some sort of colorful adjective before hand…my adjective of choice is: “thundering”

Examples
She can be a real "thundering b-tch" when she is angry!

I just really enjoy the idea of cursing…I forgot what movie or show I was watching once where it talked about how, “truly, there are so few words in the English language…so we might as well you them all”.

So what makes swear words so “taboo” and what makes people feel uncomfortable when using them? I have no idea…

I will post more soon!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19.52: "The Host", and my Mothers Questioning

Wow, it is only Saturday midday and I have already been out and about! So. I woke up early so I could catch my goddaughters/cousins dance recital…and holy smoley…it was one of the cutest things ever. I was dumbfounded by the cuteness of it all! It was so glittery and adorable…and then the woman sitting next to me ruined it…but she was just a terrible person (I may or may not have gotten into a shouting match with a stranger…)

Ok, so last night I was supposed to go out with friends…Before I was able to leave, the Torre house was invaded with my parent’s friends. Firstly, I enjoy these people so I did not mind that they arrived unannounced and came in with a rush of “fiery italian-ness” and a Panetone (Panetone makes everything better).

As I said…I have no issues with these people what-so-ever…they are some extremely interesting characters and I love when our families get together…my one issue from last night has nothing to do with them…my problem was that my mother left me in charge of being The Host”.

Ok, so the duties of “The Host” are to act charming and stuff…be witty…and whatever. The difficulty is that my mother usually goes off on tangents which provide no help, cause chaos, and make me a horribly nervous person.

Her main technique of doing this is when she says things such as:

“Can you get out the tall cups…but not the heavy ones with the bottoms!”

Or

“Go get that thing from the room” (what room?! what thing?!)

Or my personal favorite

“Matteo, tell them the story about that one time…” (this example is my favorite because usually when my mother says this example, it was an event I was not part of or even knew about)

Anyone have that experience…I would love to hear some of those questions…

Anyway it was there were some crazy conversations and I really like when people invade my house! Anyway tonight I have an outing with some people! Happy Saturday everyone…hope everything is going amazing out in the Cyberland

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19.5: HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!

Alright so I realized I forgot to mention, HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!!!!

What a Jerk I am...June is a huge month and I did not even mention it...I mean come on…June is not only the 6^th month of our calendar year…it is also:

Adopt A Shelter Cat Month
Dairy Month
Flag Month
Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month
General Safety Month
Audio book Month

Candy Month

Dairy Month

Firework Safety Month

Iced Tea Month

People Skills Month

Turkey Lovers Month

WOAH! JUNE HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER!!! However these are some observances that I think should be created and included to honor June:

“Get the Fuck out of Work” Month

Bug Spray Month

“Get in your car after it has been parked outside for a while and it feels like hell” Month

Liquor and Drinks on the Rocks month

“Try to hide the fact of how it is becoming hot as balls” Month

How to maximize the importance of June...click on the picture for a bigger view...

Jeeze...my first post of June (now that I reread it) is kind of "sucky"...I mean come on...it was a post about "jumping into a pool"...so I am going to have to post a bunch of stuff today to make it better...Ugh sometimes my good thoughts about life (aka my "extreme genius") ...just gets messed up in all the typing and wording...

Plus readers it sounded like I condoned something awful in that last post (which now that I reread was just terrible really)...so let me make it clear to you all...

DO NOT JUMP INTO A POOL THAT IS NOT CLEAN!

it is gross...

I will however issue you all a challenge:

Do something relatively easy that challenges your comfort zone!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS JUNE!