POST NUMERO 26: "The Weekend 3rd Degree" and Enjoy your weekend

Welcome to the weekend everyone!!!! So another week of crap done! Coming up, a much needed fall week end... So, what are everyone’s plans?! Come on…I can’t be the only person that believed it seemed like this was one of those weeks that never ended. What happens now?...How does this work for some... How do weekend plans come to fruition. In my world I rarely have plans and usually leave it up to the universe to provide something. Some might call me “boring”, but, In my defense I know few people who have the extensive arrest record that I have (TAKE THAT BORING!). Anyway, so what to do this weekend... I don't know!

So, this may sound funny...but being that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” type of guy...or rather, a “fly by the seat of incredibly overprotective strict parents type of guy”, I sometimes have nothing to do! I am sometimes greatly effected by this but other times I can shirk it off… it however takes a new meaning when I am given the “Weekend 3rd Degree” …what is the “Weekend 3rd Degree”...well it has happened to all of us and It is simple to define…

Weekend 3rd Degree: Noun, When someone asks you what you are going to do during the weekend and you are stuck with no response and have to choose between being vague, admitting you have no life, or lying your ass off. I, in honesty, don't know how to deal with people who constantly ask the question, " So, what are you doing this weekend?"

The "Weekend 3rd Degree" happens also when after someone describes their own amazing and untouchable plans and you are left with nothing impressive to rebuttal with

Now this is how the “Weekend 3rd Degree” goes for me

Friend: "So, after I go bungee jumping and cure world hunger I am going to go adopt a neglected koala bear and nurse it back to health…Matteo what fun and exciting thing are YOU doing this weekend?"

Me: " Oh I am going to drink "

Friend: "Oh golly gee…that sounds like fun...what else are you doing?"

Me: "Drinking...."

Friend: "Golly Gee silly, you said that already...what else?"

Me: "Drink my feelings?"

We will call this, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

It is usually a back and forth type of thing until the other person realizes that I am not joking... or I just turn around silently and walk away...

So, How to deal and live through the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”:

1)      Stay calm…no one but you needs to know you have no life…

2)      Be vague… responses like, “Oh, I am going to have a lot of fun…” work wonders…but sometimes this might back fire as the person asking might want details…

3)      Use the switch tactic…send it back to them…As soon as they finish the question reply back, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!!!”…then casually wait for their response and act like you care by saying things like, “Oh, WOW, that sounds like TONS of fun!!!”

4)      Make something up…who gives a crap…unless you actually have plans or you might run into the person who is asking…make something up!

5)      Honesty might be the best Policy…Admitting you have nothing is the first step…

6)      Just say, “Why?!?” in a abrupt, stand-offish, and defensive manner. Then afterwards say nothing and back out of the room with out losing eye contact and without saying anything else…

7)      Turn it into a pick up line, “Why Girl, you want to get together…”

8)      Scoff and go, “HA, my plans are so much better…” then cause a distraction and get the hell out of there...

9)      Laugh and say, “Me too!”  (this could be awkward being that it might not pertain to you in the least…such as the time my friend said she was going to the Gynecologist and I responded back, ME TOO!)

10)  Kill off a relative….WHAT?!...don’t really do it…but just say you have to go to a funeral…nothing can top a funeral…

So those are just a few ways to combat the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”

Anyway, I am sure something will materialize for this amazing weekend...ugh…everyone enjoy the break…

AND REMEMBER OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!...so SPREAD THE WORD AND FIGHT THE FIGHT!!! TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!”

More posts coming soon everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 30: Breathing, and Your Brain is Screwing You!

Alright, so I KNOW this has happened to everyone…don’t even lie readers because even if it has not…then be prepared…something horrible is about to happen…

I warn you readers…this post will make normal bodily functions feel awkward…immensely awkward…so Readers Beware

Ready:

Think about how you breath…is it slow?…is it loud?…does it make a slight whistle noise when you exhale?…Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? How big of an inhale do you take?...Does you chest move up and down a lot, or a little?

I don’t know…but now that I have made you aware of your breathing…you can’t figure out how to get it out of your mind!

Some of you are now wondering why is your breathing “happening like that!”

Some of you might now be breathing harder or trying to slow the pace…

Some of you might just be holding your breath and panicking…

Or, some of you might do what I did…which is forget how to breath!

I am doing it right now! UGH, my mind has fallen victim to my own writing…

Alright, why am I writing about this…well, because yesterday at church I became completely aware of my breathing and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!

No joke…I was horrified…sure I was probably just being crazy…but I just could not stop what I thought sounded like a mixture of a Vuvuzela and a Light Breeze…

Ok, now, stop thinking about your breathing (if you can)…inhale..exhale…calm…

I was so embarrassed during the mass...I just could not control the idea of “breathing normally”…My brain had went into overdrive to screw with me and then (from what I could remember) I began to pant like a dog…then I couldn’t remember how to breath at all…(which REALLY made matters COMPLETELY worse!)

Now that I know some of you can compare or relate…what else is comparable to the “Noticing your Breathing” awkwardness?…An awkwardness syndrome caused by our brain's ability to act independently with the sole purpose of messing/screwing/fucking with us…

So here are some other examples of Brain Treachery:

The moment when you realize how you actually walk. This one is difficult because many factors come into play and can be perceived as awkward while walking. Next time you stand up take notice of such factors as: Does your walk appear to others as a constant running pace?...Does it look like your hips are running away from the rest of your body? Do you walk on a tilt or perhaps parts of your body lag behind? Do you take tiny or big strides? Do you flail? Do you swing you legs like a puppet? Are you the person who accidentally matches the pace of whoever is walking with you or accidentally creates a new pace…It is very strange…but the next time you walk…suddenly (because of your mind and perhaps this blog post) you might become aware of what your legs are doing (I love my walk…my hips are everywhere…but then again…what else is new)

Another one of my favorite examples (and by favorite I mean…one of the top examples I am horrified of) is what does your “listening face” look like.  We all have a “paying attention” face…the one we slap on in class when we are trying to look interested. Yet, few know what their face looks like when they read or if one is just standing idle…does your mouth gape open…do you squint…do you look ridiculous… Think of it…the next time you stare off into space…what does you face look like when you don’t remember your face is there. I have witnessed my own idle face on accident…it was not a good look…picture a face consisting of an “open mouth, angry wide eyes, and a whole lot of eyebrow at varying hieghts” all while still having a complete blank expression.

I just…I don’t even know…Welcome to the Way the Brain gets back at you for all those thoughts and actions you think go by the wayside…

SCREWING YOU OVER ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME!!!

Anyway...just wanted to write something...

More Posts Coming Soon

Lots of feedback and emails I have to reply to!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 29.5: The Evolution of the School Supply List

Matteo Torre

   Proudly Presents....

THE EVOLUTION OF THE SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST
So, the School Supply List changes drastically as the years of education continue and drag on...here (out of sheer boredom) I have compiled a list of examples of what schools are now asking of students...I have chosen the grades that make a huge difference so not every grade is represented...enjoy!

FIRST GRADE

SECOND GRADE

FIFTH GRADE

MIDDLE SCHOOL GRADES

HIGH SCHOOL GRADES

COLLEGE TIME

REAL COLLEGE LIST

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!

More Posts Coming Soon!!!

POST NUMERO 29: Welcome September, and the New Resolution Month

Just Realized I gave No monthly welcome...what the HELL is wrong with me!

Alright, so it is September...almost October (whoops)...and it may be midway through the month already but September and I have always been indifferent and fine with each other...SO TIME TO GIVE IT AN INTRO!

In fact, September may very well be one of my favorite months…

The temperatures begins to cool…and OF COURSE happy news…the Crap Month of August is DONE!!!

This month for people of all ages is an Exciting one. It is the month that School restarts...which I have always enjoyed in small doses...more when I was a child then now...

With school restarting…I would love to find the ONE person who could honestly tell me that they did not get a SURGE of EXCITEMENT when they would receive their school schedules...and more specifically their school supplies list (I fricking loved those lists...)

However throughout my life the school supply list went from this…

I can't even tell you how much I want these right now!!

To this…

Behind the bottles are a box of crayons and a glue stick

For sports fans September starts Football, Football, Football, and MORE FOOTBALL.

Those reasons aside…I feel that September is the PERFECT time to make some true changes in your life. It is such an optimal time to make resolutions and a fall bucket list.

Readers, some of you might be scratching you head and saying, “Listen Matteo…you know that JANUARY is the resolution/change month ya stupid Bastard!!!!”

Yeah yeah yeah…I know that…but September, in my opinion, feels like a whole bigger adventure then New Years could ever be. So, I am WELL aware of how January is the month where everyone actually starts to brag about there resolutions and life changes but I am telling you readers…start them in September and they Stick!

NOW EVERYONE….ALL TOGETHER NOW…ASK…WHY?!

Alright,

1)      September is a natural redo…it is a restart month…School begins, Jobs recommence, days begin to drag on and nights begin to get cooler. It is just one of those times where you have to accept the fact of how summer is done and real life starts again. So why not start with a new mentality

2)      You begin to realize a schedule and then come to terms with the fact of how important it is to stick to it. For example…school begins and the schedule returns to a monotonous normalcy. However, along with fall comes the adventure and thrill of breaking the schedule (living on the edge)…even if it may mean dire diiiiiiiiiiire consequences.

3)      With cooler weather…comes great weather…. and with great weather comes plenty of time to kick back and relax outdoors…

4)      September can be the “resolution month” with out all the hoopla and pressure of being a “resolution month”. For example if your want to start working out more…you can fly underneath the radar and do it without anyone putting unnecessary pressure on you.

5)      Fall has a natural learning quality to it…as children we became accustomed to leaning new things after summer. We are all pre-conditioned and trained to succeed when we learn that way every year. Think of it as a habit that is hard to break. September is the perfect time to take advantage of this as after baking in the summer months…the brain can be replenished.

All Right time to talk about what to do during September and all the fun UNKNOWN days and why the month is fabulous…

So September is Self Improvement Month! It is also Classical Music month so turn down the bass and turn on the classics…wow September is also “Fall Hat Month” so reader break out your fall hats (what exactly is a fall hat…I know winter hats exist…but fall…hmmm?)… National Courtesy Month (hold a door open and show some polite and humane qualities to others you jerks)…Chicken Month…National Blueberry Popsicle Month (yum)…International Square Dancing Month (YEEEEHAAAAWW!)

Although we already miss it…

September 2nd was “National Beheading Day”

September 5th was “National Cheese Pizza Day”

September 9th was “Grandparent’s Day”

And days to Come…

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19th is National Butterscotch Pudding Day

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day

September 22nd is Elephant Appreciation Day

September 22nd is the beginning of Oktoberfest

Break it down now....

ANYWAY, more posts coming soon...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!