POST NUMERO 32: November, and a 1/2 Assed Calendar

NOVEMBER!
NOVEMBER!
NOOOOOOOVEEEEMBER!!!!!!!!

Yes, Folks…it is the amazing and wonderful November!

I can’t even believe that it came so fast (and that it is almost over)…I still feel that it could be October (being 2 weeks with zero power really moved the month along…). Anyway, I am in disbelief with how quickly this month is passing…and I STILL HAVE NOT PUT UP NOVEMBER’s “MONTH POST”! (What a Jack Ass I am!)

So here it is readers:

The Thanksgiving season is upon us and just a few days from now, most US citizens will enjoy the sit down, knock out, family fun, worst travel day, eat till you burst, parade filled, first REAL day of the holiday season, and most awesome holiday of the year (somewhat sarcastic)!

People will travel to the middle of no where (once again on the worst travel day of the year), to see family they'd rather not spend an afternoon with (or in my case…3 minutes with) and make amazing mental reasons why it is ok to have 18 pieces of meat today as opposed to what a normal serving size is any other day of the year. It is the day where people eat far more than they should of some of the BEST food they've ever tasted on what is a uniquely American holiday (so to my worldly readers…to bad. so sad, Google and try out Thanksgiving…you will NOT be dissapointed)

So what to do in November and why is it SO grand:

1) Well, unfourtanelty the days are shorter (womp womp)…BUT if you do most your drinking when the sun goes down then GUESS WHAT…YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF DARKNESS!...yeaaah plus side! So drink up everyone!

2) November is also great because it makes you realize that you made it through MOST of the year. November is the home stretch…It is a refreshing month…It is the final month to say goodbye to the year and being that December is more of a “Holiday/Festivities” month (I.M.H.O) then I recommend to you readers that you use November as your reflection month (right now I am reflecting on the fact of how I could really use a drink…and a scoop of peanut butter…)

3) The ELECTION is over…SCORE ONE FOR THAT FACT ALONE!...I don’t give a rat’s ass who won (I actually do…but I don’t talk about politics)…not because I am disinterested but because I find it a terrible topic…THE ELECTION IS OVER AND I AM EXCITED because it means no more friends (like I have any) pushing their political rants and bull crap on me when I don’t care. The countless amounts of CRAP Facebook posts I saw in the past few month have been staggering and the methods used to pour them upon people were obnoxious. It came to the point where I would log on and pray that someone uploaded a picture of their ugly kid, or an Instagram photo of a sandwich. BUT FINALLY it is over…(bring back slutty girls who post about wanting a “gentleman” but have their Facebook profile picture set to a picture of them getting motorboated by a stranger on Halloween)

4) Oh speaking of Halloween…November 1^st means you survived Halloween which means you made it through those bad decisions that could have happened.

5) November is a month where it is acceptable for men NOT TO SHAVE…yes everyone…if your guy friend is growing out his stache and starting to look like as axe murderer, biker dude, or someone who might be a frequent entry on a sex offenders list…DON’T WORRY and DON’T JUDGE because it is “NO-SHAVE-NOVEMBER” also known as “Movember” (I can’t participate because I begin looking like a public threat to society after two days)

5) THE FOOD…ALL THE FREAKING GLORIOUS FOOD!!!!

6) Christmas Music Begins to play on the radio and new big budget movies start debuting.

7) THE FOOD!!!

8) It is the fruit pie month…so many fruit pies…Pumpkin Pie…BRING IT ON!

Anyway so what is November known for?

Well November has a lot to offer and is known for many things …however for now I am going to put two things that are near and dear to my heart:

November is “Peanut Butter Lovers Month”…I can’t even handle the epicness of any month that celebrates the awesomeness that is peanut butter…the legume that warms my heart and fills my stomach…as I am writing this I am currently eating a spoonful of Peanut Butter just because knowing it was peanut butter month made my mouth water! Yum!

This may or may not be my Dinner....

November is National Epilepsy Month and if you know me you will know why this is huge to me. So lets raise some awareness and do some research people. Everyone is coming down from the hype of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month but those effected with Epilepsy need some help and support also. It is a terrible thing to have and it flat out sucks. So do you research and figure out how to help! (I will probably post more on this in another post…but until then…I repeat keep it in your mind and support the cause).

Notable Days:

1 All Saint's Day

2 All Soul's Day

3 Sandwich Day

8 Cook Something Bold Day

11 Veteran's Day

17 Homemade Bread Day

17 National Adoption Day

17 World Peace Day

20 Universal Children's Day

21 False Confession Day

22 Thanksgiving - Eat, drink, and be thankful.

23 Black Friday

Here is the Half-Assed Calendar

The Turkey was added to draw attention from the failure...I just couldn't make it work

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 27: White Noise Machine

Random is my middle name...here is a quick story!

I sleep with a White Noise Machine...Why? Well I use it because of two reasons:

Reason 1) I enjoy it and find it soothing...In my opinion it is common that some noises just fall into the “relaxing category”. One of my favorite things was waiting for the Air Conditioner or for the Central Heat to turn on and I would instantly just pass out because I loved the rumble and hum of it all.

Reason 2) My family wakes up way earlier then I do...so I use the white noise to block out the Italian noise at  5o'clock in the morning. My family would and could never qualify as "quiet"... in fact when they try to be quiet it just...becomes worse...so...sooooooo...much worse.

(Secret Reason 3: It blocks out the other voices in my head…)

So the White Noise machine I use is an APP (which will remain nameless) for my IPOD...

It took a long time but I have found the perfect three sounds that when played in unison make a VERY convincing "rain on roof" sound that just makes me sleep soundly (I think most people enjoy the sound of rain)...how fairly ordinary...

However, the other night I must have accidently rolled over on top of the IPOD or accidently hit it with my hand because I switched it from my harmonious  “rain on roof sound” to a sound described as “chatter”. Now, “chatter” is literally the sound of many people talking in whispers and hushed voices. These hushed voices and whispers can most definitely be perceived as evil hissing and maniacal chanting.

All chattering conversations are different and some are more understandable then others. The conversation that is the clearest is about the weather and the ones you can not understand sound like people chanting out their grocery lists.

Anyway, back to the story…in full “groggy hallucinating sleep mode” I began to realize the change in sound settings. When I was conscious enough to hear the voices I panicked thinking my room was filled with STRANGERS having trivial discussion!

Just imagine it as waking up to the voices of people whispering about meaningless and harmless topics in the darkest corner of your bedroom...spooky right?

WHO THE HELL, finds it pleasant and comforting to fall asleep with the sound of strangers whispering about random topics!?!

(Readers, when I say “whispering”, I repeat,  it is not in a pleasant way…the sound machine “chatter” sounds flat out angry and crazy…picture it as the voices of 20 highly dangerous criminals plotting a bloody and violent escape from prison while trying to not have the guards over hear them)

However I looked at some of the other sounds on the White Noise Machine and I don't understand WHO would EVER be soothed or able to sleep with such horrific noises as:

Branches: Ok, Branches, as a soothing noise, I think should sound like a soft wind rustling through the branches of a tree and making the romantic and soothing "swooshing sound" as the leaves rustle. INSTEAD, Branches sounds like a VERY VIOLENT act of deforestation.

Music Box: I understand that some music boxes have very lovely song choices (I own one that plays the theme from titanic)…but I am a baffled about who could EVER fall asleep while a very HIGH PITCHED and slow version of  “Pop Goes the Weasel” plays again…and again…and again…

Garden: BEES! BEES EVERYWHERE!!!!

Crickets: Ok this one should be renamed “Cricket” because there is only one…just one single cricking chirping…UNLESS (and this just popped into my mind) maybe it is NUMEROUS crickets all chirping at once…deceptive crickets….

I Google Search cricket....here is a picture of a puppy!

 Whisper: Remember in grade school when you friend tried to pass you a note in class and to get your attention….he would go PSSSSSSSH!!! PSSSSSSSSSSSH!!! That is whisper…loud…high pitched…annoying

Anyway…this was a random post…more coming soon!

Happy Casual Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 24: Sparklers and Shower Drinking!

Firstly, Happy belated birthday America!!  It was a fun family filled day followed by best friend Kayla coming over at night with SPARKLERS!!! I had a major Sparkler craving for weeks and it was all I wanted for that day…sparklers…I love…sparklers…the way they sparkle…the fire!...I wish I had more…but anyway HAPPY BELATED 4^th OF JULY!!!

So, I realized today when looking at my blog that the ads around my words of wisdom (excuse me…let me rephrase...my GENIUS, FUNNY, TERRIFIC, POETIC, WONDERFUL, AND INSPIRING words of wisdom) all have to do with “Alcohol Rehab”. Every single one is about substance abuse… very interesting…so for the next few posts I am going to be trying some new and random posts to see if I can change the ads…or randomly throw in something to see if I can really switch up the ads. Not that I am against the ads…seek assistance if you feel so…I just feel somewhat “kill-joyed” by these adds…especially when I look on other blogs and they have such awesome colorful stuff (although nothing beats the first ad that appeared on my blog for “COCK” the musical)

Secondly, Happy Anniversy Torre Parents!!! 26 Years and still Arguing like typical Italians…I would list a bunch of sappy and beautiful things here but I fell down the stairs earlier when I went to say “Happy Anniversy” to them…so the bruise on my ankle is dedication enough.

Thirdly, Happy Birthday Shelly!!!! Even though it was numerous day ago you are an awesome person and I would list a bunch of stuff about you but I am not going to.

Fourthly, Happy Graduation Jackie!! Just had to say it again!

Ok anyway, 2 great things…2 very amazing great awesome things…Cleanliness…and Drunkeness. I love to be clean. I love to clean. I love to smell nice. I love to drink my drink and drank my drank. Put the two together and you have…DRINKING IN THE SHOWER!

Now readers, I know some of your might have gasped and said…”ALCOHOLISM!” but I am telling you now…try it…it is amazing!  The first time I tried it was in my junior year in college…changed my life forever. The coolness of the drink…the cleaning factor of the shower…the warm cascade of water. Two of my favorite things occuring in unision…cleanliness and drunkenness

OK, so how to succeed in “Shower Drinking” relies on some very basic steps and rules

Number 1) Try to avoid glass and stick with cans…duh… It took a somewhat long time for me to move onto mixed drinks by bringing in the cocktail shaker into the shower and successfully make a drink…I am kidding…but it did take a long time to move onto mixed drinks.  It is hard to keep water and soap out of the drink and still act calm and collected when exfoliating and re-shampooing. It was nice…take a sip…put it down…no fuss. Also avoid glass for the sheer purpose of how it might be hard to explain to people how you stepped on glass when kicking back a few in the shower. My main choice for shower drinking is an old fashioned classic Budweiser in a can (also known to me as “Hillbilly” beer…but I will write about that in another post). Yes, with the canned Budweiser It was great because I knew if I dropped it at least I would not end up in the emergency room.

Number 2) Always remember which hand has the drink..and which one has the soap. You never want to mix up the two…In the delight that is shower drinking you may become completely and totally calm and end up taking a big chug of conditioner (but don’t worry bottles of soap normally come with Poison Control’s number on the back of the label)

Number 3) Do not be a shower Sloppopotamus!!! This is just a calming thing…it is great when done in a relaxed manner, a shower is supposed to be relaxing so keep it calm…not a frat party!

Number 4) Soap does not taste good so drink with care

Number 5) Soap is slippery…CAUTION as sometimes drinking may cause a slippery sensation…the two together might end up in a VERY slippery situation

And finally

Number 6) Enjoy the moment.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB...DRINKING IN THE TUB!

Anyway. Someone pointed out to me that my last two posts have been about Nudity and Nakedness and other stuff….well what can I say…except…HAPPY NUDE RECREATION WEEK EVERYONE!!!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon!

The artwork is made by the amazing Kayla again...look for more coming soon...she is brilliant and has an amazing eye and ability!

POST NUMERO 20: Mosquitos and Warm Nights

So I have been loving this weather lately…I really have… but when people come up to me and say things like:

“Ugh, Warm summer nights are made for being out in the open air and great outdoors…”

Or

“Spring and Summer nights…when it is hot…are made to be spent under the stars”

Aren’t statements like those so wonderfully beautiful, so wonderfully true, and so very WONDERFULLY POETIC!!!! Well how about who ever is saying these statements also so wonderfully SHUTS the HELL UP!!

When people say things like that I want to look them in the eye with disgust and reply back…

“Nice Try, Mosquito disguised as a human!”

...."We Should go outside...and relax a while..."

I mean really…it is wonderful weather…but if you are anything like me…you get eaten alive when you so much as open a window or better yet…look at a window…

So, anyway…sorry I have not posted in a while…been very busy/lazy...I owe a bunch more posts...ones better then this...

I am back in the game kids!!

POST NUMERO 19.52: "The Host", and my Mothers Questioning

Wow, it is only Saturday midday and I have already been out and about! So. I woke up early so I could catch my goddaughters/cousins dance recital…and holy smoley…it was one of the cutest things ever. I was dumbfounded by the cuteness of it all! It was so glittery and adorable…and then the woman sitting next to me ruined it…but she was just a terrible person (I may or may not have gotten into a shouting match with a stranger…)

Ok, so last night I was supposed to go out with friends…Before I was able to leave, the Torre house was invaded with my parent’s friends. Firstly, I enjoy these people so I did not mind that they arrived unannounced and came in with a rush of “fiery italian-ness” and a Panetone (Panetone makes everything better).

As I said…I have no issues with these people what-so-ever…they are some extremely interesting characters and I love when our families get together…my one issue from last night has nothing to do with them…my problem was that my mother left me in charge of being The Host”.

Ok, so the duties of “The Host” are to act charming and stuff…be witty…and whatever. The difficulty is that my mother usually goes off on tangents which provide no help, cause chaos, and make me a horribly nervous person.

Her main technique of doing this is when she says things such as:

“Can you get out the tall cups…but not the heavy ones with the bottoms!”

Or

“Go get that thing from the room” (what room?! what thing?!)

Or my personal favorite

“Matteo, tell them the story about that one time…” (this example is my favorite because usually when my mother says this example, it was an event I was not part of or even knew about)

Anyone have that experience…I would love to hear some of those questions…

Anyway it was there were some crazy conversations and I really like when people invade my house! Anyway tonight I have an outing with some people! Happy Saturday everyone…hope everything is going amazing out in the Cyberland

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19.5: HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!

Alright so I realized I forgot to mention, HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!!!!

What a Jerk I am...June is a huge month and I did not even mention it...I mean come on…June is not only the 6^th month of our calendar year…it is also:

Adopt A Shelter Cat Month
Dairy Month
Flag Month
Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month
General Safety Month
Audio book Month

Candy Month

Dairy Month

Firework Safety Month

Iced Tea Month

People Skills Month

Turkey Lovers Month

WOAH! JUNE HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER!!! However these are some observances that I think should be created and included to honor June:

“Get the Fuck out of Work” Month

Bug Spray Month

“Get in your car after it has been parked outside for a while and it feels like hell” Month

Liquor and Drinks on the Rocks month

“Try to hide the fact of how it is becoming hot as balls” Month

How to maximize the importance of June...click on the picture for a bigger view...

Jeeze...my first post of June (now that I reread it) is kind of "sucky"...I mean come on...it was a post about "jumping into a pool"...so I am going to have to post a bunch of stuff today to make it better...Ugh sometimes my good thoughts about life (aka my "extreme genius") ...just gets messed up in all the typing and wording...

Plus readers it sounded like I condoned something awful in that last post (which now that I reread was just terrible really)...so let me make it clear to you all...

DO NOT JUMP INTO A POOL THAT IS NOT CLEAN!

it is gross...

I will however issue you all a challenge:

Do something relatively easy that challenges your comfort zone!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS JUNE!

POST NUMERO 19: I Jumped, and Drank

Sometimes you just live on the edge and do things you never would…Readers, a few nights ago I had one of those “live on the edge” type of moments…I was so far on the edge that my inner dialogue was going on full rant and questioning every second of what was happening…it was like I was possessed!.

After reading that ^^^….you should all be on the edge of your seats!!...but believe me readers it was nothing “big”! (actually screw that...for me it was monumental)

So on Memorial Day after completing the family BBQ I was invited over a friend’s house for a relaxing evening. These friends are amazing people, and some of the best I know. It is amazing how kind and generous they are and how amazing this group of friends is…Anyway…back to the story...

It was an amazingly fun Memorial Day. I started off the day with sleeping in and a nice bit of relaxing while surfing the Internet for blog ideas. I had a pear for breakfast…while eating that pear I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was for it to be a Monday and not be at work. I dusted my room, cleaned out my car, and put away general crap…I then ate another piece of fruit (another pear). I prepared many things for the family BBQ including various chips and dips and also normal BBQ food (hamburgers, marinated chicken, and hotdogs)…Then family came over and we did a very normal family BBQ…nothing exciting…very cookie cutter…very Italian…very there…annnnd then I snapped slightly from the wholesome family goodness.

Don't get me wrong...as I have said in past posts I really do love my family...but I had hit my boiling point. I needed to get out of the house! So after dinner was over I was in need of something exciting…that is when the magic happened and I received a call from friends (those mentioned above) inviting me over for ANOTHER BBQ!...Miracles do occur!!!

So I went! 

WOWZA DID I HAVE FUN!

I LIVED ON THE EDGE!

and

I TURNED INTO A BEER DRINKER! (I put away the vodka for the evening and jumped right into the Becks)...It was just "good livin".

So…big news…and the somewhat point of this post...I had a “living on the edge” moment…I FREAKING JUMPED INTO THE POOL!!!! I WAS IN THE POOL!!! I, MATTEO TORRE, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR, THAT I LITERALLY JUMPED INTO THE POOL AS A CHALLENGE... WHEN NO ONE WAS IN THE POOL!!!

…ok readers you probably just rolled your eyes…but this is huge for me…I am never ever that type of person…I always make a horrible excuse and chicken out…I am just kind of not “that person” who accepts challenges like that… I was soooo proud of myself!...I stripped off my shirt...and jumped...it was all very unexpected of me...I have to admit...I was a very cool person!

HOWEVER DOWN SIDE!!!!!!!

in fact, let me rephrase

DOOOOOOOWNSIDE FROM HELL!!! Shortly after I jumped in I came to the realization that I had jumped into a very unshocked, uncleaned, and dirty pool. The pool had only recently been uncovered (about 4 minutes before I took the plunge)...so... IMPETIGO and DISEASE here I come!

I did do it however! so instead of rolling your eyes readers...Applaud me! Scream out HOORAY MATTEO!!!...AUGURI MATTEO!!!...BRAVO!!!...or just keep on reading my next few posts...which ever one works!

ANYWAY!, I know readers…I promise things and do not deliver…I have been mega busy…I have stories on the way and a bunch of half finished blog posts that I will try and put up over the weekend…School is almost out for summer!...HOORAY!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

more posts coming soon!

POST NUMERO 18: Memorial Day, Spot the Sloppopotamus, and A Game

Happy Three day weekend everyone!!!

Ok so I have not posted in a few days but time to get going again (damn me and my laziness)!! Firstly, I want to thank all the private messengers…some of you subscribers and messengers are really wonderful and I am loving the feedback…others, unfortunately, I despise you with a passion! I especially love reading all the wonderful posts in different languages...keep. them. coming!.

In this post I am basically going to be rambling so buckle up…

Let me set up a scenario readers…

You  enter a party…you are relaxing and having a good time…and suddenly the “Safari” breaks out. The party becomes mostly hormone and alcohol fueled. Everyone is having fun and bonding with close acquaintances as personalities begin to flair and “drink is drank”…The room is filled with levity, you are feeling good, you are having fun…when suddenly…the hunt is on…

This is when my favorite party game begins…a game known as “Spot the Sloppopotamus!”

Readers, I know what your reaction just was, “A WHAT?! A HIPPOPOTAMUS?! A WHAAAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!” and I am sure some of you are even going, “I WONDER IF THAT IS LIKE PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!?!”…

Well readers, “Spot the Sloppopotamus!” is so much better…so…so much better…However in order to understand the game you must first know what a Sloppopotamus is.

Definition:

Sloppopotamus: Noun: a. The “hot mess” of the party  b. The sloppiest drinker and partier in the room  c. The “ship wreck” of partiers  d. the vom-vom-cray-cray-rey-rey

“Wow, after one beer at the holiday party Carol became the Sloppopotamus as she cried, yelled at, and kicked the copy machine”

The word, which was made popular by a certain TV show that sickens me, is basically a wonderful way of describing the individual who becomes “A sloppy drinker.”

Now, don’t deny it, we ALL know that one person or friend who becomes the dreaded “Sloppopotamus”

To help you find out who the Sloppopotamus is here are some helpful reminders, distinguishing facts, and hints:

• The Sloppopotamus is the person who can be compared to or nicknamed the “Titanic” when drinking.
• The Sloppopotamus will be the person who drinks till they black out, and are normally falling over and under things. Gravity is a huge enemy of the Sloppopotamus
• The Sloppopotamus can be the girl or guy that begins slurring words, throwing stuff, and picking fights with both animate and inanimate objects.
• The Sloppopotamus might become such things as a raging kleptomaniac, racist, a spirit guide, know-it-all, or begin to curse wildly during peaceful conversation.
• The Sloppopotamus will show a varying amount of emotions with in a short amount of time.

Ok now that you have a general idea of what the “Sloppopotamus” is…this is the game

Can you believe the "Sloppopotamus"  is actually the girl all the way on the right...

SPOT THE SLOPPOPOTAMUS!
Materials: Paper, Pens or Pencils, Imagination, a Raging Fun Time, Drinks, and Good Times all around

Number of People Needed to Play: 1 or more

Ages: Recommended for ages 18 and above

The rules of the game are simple. The key to the game is keeping an accurate score and gaining the most points…The point of the game is simple and the key rule is every time you find, spot, or stumble upon “Sloppopotamus behavior” you gain a point/ mark. The person who spots the most “Sloppopotamus behavior” before the other players wins.

Make sure the people you are playing with add in some bonus pointers to make the game more interesting…some of my go to “bonus” finds are:

-          A Sloppopotamus lighting the wrong end of a cigarette (+4 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus falls asleep standing up (+3 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus begins crying in the corner (+2 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus removes an article of clothing at an incredibly in opportune moment (+2 points)

Have fun with the bonus points…and remember the “Sloppopotamus” is not an endangered species so this game should always be high scoring.

So readers, I challenge you at your next function to play “Spot the Sloppopotamus”…AND readers, because I care about you,  I recommend never actually becoming the Sloppopotamus! Keep it classy!

Anyway this was just a short post on the “Sloppopotamus”…Happy three day weekend everyone! I hope many are enjoying the warm weather and beach around the world.

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

Happy and Blessed Memorial Day!

(Hey y’all I’m Kayla and I’m bombing Matteo’s post. He’s Sloppopotamus right now as he’s writing in case you guys were wondering! If he doesn’t proofread...this will make it in! Also since I taught him Sloppopotamus I propose we also start using slutapotomus! Till next time readers! Sto Lat)

^I found this little blurb in the middle of my blog post earlier…my friend Kayla, creator of the above artwork, apparently took advantage of my blog when I was slightly sloshed and not paying attention…

POST NUMERO 16: Hawaiian Friends, Surviving Graduation, and Murder eyes

Alright Readers I have HAPPY NEWS (at least for me…this really wont mean much for most of you) …I just figured out one of my best friends whom moved away to Hawaii is reading my blog! So the pressure is on to make these posts extra amazing from now on…So now that I know I am being read by one of my nearest and dearest…BRING IT ON!!!

I need to dedicate a few posts to her about our numerous adventures…dang nabbit will those blog posts be entertaining…like one time her and I…

Nah, I love her, but this is not one of those dedication posts…Only because If I started writing about her I would never stop. So for now I am just going to type one thing to her in order to send some good vibes

I LOVE and MISS YOU ROCKY (not her real name) !!!!

Anyway so yesterday I posted about "surviving graduations" and today I went through all the beautiful photos I took yesterday and realized…Holy Crap…I am a TERRIBLE photographer! Why and How? Well, apparently for most ceremony I thought this one kid was my brother but APPARENTLY it wasn’t. I have about 100 pictures of a complete stranger whom from afar looked completely like my brother…Then the one picture I actually have of Silvio...it is blurry as can be... Needless to say Silvio is ready to strangle me! Not my fault however because the camera was just awful and that kid could have been him…but it wasn’t…damn doppelgangers

Anyway yesterday I made a list dedicated to how the one graduating can survive the ceremony…so today I am doing the vice versa…

So Here is a quick list of

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING A SPECTATOR AT A GRADUATION!:

1)      Whether you are a family member, good friend, significant other, or something else important know that at SOME POINT your darling graduate will look up to find you in the crowd…and this will happen at the worst point in time

a.       for example: Your graduate will look up at you just as you are looking the most disinterested, leaving for the bathroom, bored, or have the “get the hell out of the joint” look…this will in turn break their spirits

2)      The “time space continuum” goes to hell during a graduation…after a short time it will seem as if time will slow down…and believe me, no matter How proud you are of your graduate…you will begin to check your watch more and more…in fact, the more proud you are the slower time will go.

3)      Something I fell prey to…MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WORKING CAMERA!...During the ceremony the camera would take picture not when I wanted to…but during the most inconvenient of times. I have so many pictures of the man’s bald spot who sat in front of me. I feel like I gave him a sun burn from the flash…

4)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of sitting. While that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding the 10 seconds that your loved one is on stage

5)      Make sure you take pictures of the right kid…

6)      You will begin to hallucinate during the names…you will laugh at some of the names…and you WILL hate the parents that sound like they named their kids after vegetables or strippers

7)      I repeat…MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PICTURES OF THE RIGHT KID!

8)      You will be surprised how many kids have “awkward” names…

9)      BRING A SNACK! It helps…

10)  Lastly, when taking photos with the graduate…pride can totally register as some SERIOUS “murder eyes” in photos

.... look how proud I am of you...muahahaha...

Anyway, tomorrow I have another Silvio event!! I am feeling way better!! My Sack filled with medications is totally working!! I should be able to celebrate thirsty Thursday with the way the meds are working!

Readers, I am getting some amazing private messages and feedback so thank you for that.

Some responses to questions from the crowd…

1)      Yes, I really do LOVE Russians…they are my second biggest subscribing country

2)      Yes, I really do LOVE drinking

3)      I know…I know…I have not done many “drinking stories” but they are coming

4)      Yes, I am a jerk…I have accepted this fact as true

5)      I know that my blog has not changed in anyway visually…but my friend Kayla and I are working on it…so hold your horses…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Read, Share, and Enjoy!