POST NUMERO 22: HE-double hockey sticks, and thundering f__ks

So I was trying to fit this in as a third “Sunday-Funday” post… but this has turned into a Monday night post…but eh…it happens…but guess what…it is now become a Tuesday night post…

So today I was listening to the radio and one of my new favorite songs came on, Payphone by Maroon 5…now I am a huge fan of the band and they are high on my list of people I would love to meet in real life and hang out with. So as I am listening to the song and I am hearing these awkward gaps in the lyrics…everything was rhyming…everything seemed to be going smoothly…but something was missing…as I sat and listened through the song concentrating hard on the lyrics and swerving all over the road…I realized the song was being censored…so when I got home…I decided to delve into the YouTube world and listen to the “uncensored version”…and wowza…I LOVE ME SOME PROFANITY!

I love when people use “bad language” and curse in normal conversation and I love when I hear it in music. I for one try to keep my vocabulary as cuss free, proper, and clean as possible (everyone reading this who ACTUALLY knows me, probably just rolled their eyes) but I can’t help but drop a few f-bombs from time to time.

I did not start using “bad language” until around 7^th grade and even then I felt like cursing was the equivalent of setting something on fire or grand theft auto. I would go about my day saying words like “narf”, “dang”, and the ever stupid “fudge”.

My first time cursing in public was when I was reading a story out loud in 6^th grade and in the reading was the word HELL (dun dun dunnnnn). I was so scared by the word and the possible repercussions of saying it that I (to save the virgin ears of the other students and my teacher) pronounced the word hell as “H-E- double hockey sticks” and when my teacher said it was ok to say “it” I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and the class gasp. It was traumatizing and I will remember it to this day…the giggling still haunts me every time I close my eyes…

...just saying it makes me feel dirty....

Anyway, I know that some people grew up with cursing…but I seriously grew up with the idea that bad words were a direct way to get hit with a wooden spoon (crazy Italians)…in fact now that I look back on my childhood…my parents actually cursed a lot…just not in English…

In honesty…I am sure some folks can remember when they actually heard their first "f__k" or "s_it." I even remember when my brother, Silvio, started using curse words (it was during a baseball game…he was pitching…and cursing A LOT…The Torre family took T-ball very seriously)

Anyway, sometimes I feel like there is a need for a good “curse”…for example…

If something drops on your foot…curse

If someone cuts your off while driving…curse

Your friend becomes a Sloppopotamus…curse

You become a Sloppopotamus…curse

You wake up from a coma…curse

Papercut…curse

Curse…curse…curse…curse

I however get extreme satisfaction when certain people curse and the methods of there verbal dirtiness

For example…I have an uncle who starts every conversation with “OH SHIT!” …it could be the most innocent of conversations…but every line starts with “OH SHIT!”:

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Did you see what your aunt made for dinner?

Matteo/Me: Yes Uncle Torre

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Doesn’t it look good?…OH SHIT. You know why she made it?…because OH SHIT!, she loves you!!.

My father’s favorite curse: “Sonna-bitch-an-bastard” 

say it really fast and combine everyword…he uses it for everything…

I feel also to lighten up and add some new punch into curse words (as well as some good practice for the SATs) is to add some sort of colorful adjective before hand…my adjective of choice is: “thundering”

Examples
She can be a real "thundering b-tch" when she is angry!

I just really enjoy the idea of cursing…I forgot what movie or show I was watching once where it talked about how, “truly, there are so few words in the English language…so we might as well you them all”.

So what makes swear words so “taboo” and what makes people feel uncomfortable when using them? I have no idea…

I will post more soon!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 17: Party Success, and Dancing Time Challenge

THIS JUST IN!! The Torre family has finally, FINALLY pulled off a successful party! A party with real people other then the four main “Torre”s!! A party at a REAL restaurant and not in our house!! A FREAKING REAL PARTY, WITH REAL FOOD, and REAL PEOPLE!!!! IT IS A WINE WENESDAY MIRACLE!!!

This is such a success for the Torre family!! On the ride home from the party we actually talked about what a success it was! For once we did not need to use the word failure during a car ride!

HOOORAY!!!!

With the excitement of this success, the numerous graduations, and with it being Wine Wednesday…my random thought filter has been removed and I have been on full blast all day. So, tonight I bring you a random topic such as this…

I realized while standing at the party that I tend to dance a lot. In fact I dance all the time…no matter if there is music or not…no matter if it is appropriate or not…I just kind of move and wiggle around (wow, wiggle is a terrible word…stop reading for a moment and say it a few times…wig-gle, wigglle, wig-gle, wi-gull, wee-gle). One problem with my dancing is that I have zero rhythm and at times I can’t control the lower half of my body…aka “crazy hips syndrome”. Yet, somehow in my lack of rhythm I have found and created a few main moves that when done in a certain order make it look like I could have the possibility of being a freaking amazingly talented dancer (not really, but I am allowed to exaggerate).

Here are a few of the moves with clear (not really) and step by step directions (not even close to step by step)

Move Number 1: “Ship-hips”

Ok this move consists of isolating the hips and just moving them back and forth…back and forth…back and forth… Like a ship on water rocking back and forth…to illustrate for you readers, picture this, move the lower half of your body (from waist down) as if you were trying to remove your pants with out using your hands and by just wiggling and gyrating the lower half of your body.

Move Number 2: “Invisible Hula Hoop”

Go hula hooping…practice how to keep the hula hoop up…then remove hula hoop…continue hula hooping with imaginary hula hoop…BAM…welcome to the dance move known as “Invisible Hula Hoop” …feels good right…

DISCLAIMER: Now I warn you…these two  moves (Ship-Hips and the Invisible Hula Hoop) if done improperly can make the dancer go from 0 to 100 % “Slutty McSlutson” in seconds. Also, if not practiced people might think something is very wrong in your pants…Practice wisely and try not to pull anything.

Side note…I have been challenged before to a “hip off”…I win every time…in fact this amazing girl Amy from Britain (I have mentioned her before) used to challenge me to a “Whose Hips Move Better Contest”…I won every time…every time…I think the final scoreboard was :

[ Italy/Me: 290 ------ Britain/Amy: 0]

…I got Hips, impressive hips…(If Amy just read this I bet you she cursed loudly and screamed, “liar!”... however she has some wonderful hips as well...)

Anyway, Back to the dance moves!

Move Number 3: “The Unfunky Chicken”

Flap your arms like wings and turn in a slow circle while thrusting in random directions…the unfunky chicken surprisingly works with every type of music…this includes slow opera, folk singing, relaxing whale noises, monk chanting, and hardcore gospel music.

Move Number 4: “Organized Hand Flails”

Move you hands in various punching, sliding, flapping, clapping, and other diverse manners. However, make it look like you have done this move billions of times over and find a pattern…hence “organized hand flails”…Some Organized Hand Flails include but are not limited too the dreaded air punch, the double air punch, the face wash, the swim, the drown, and the ever important and impressive duel handed monkey wrench swing.

Move Number 5: “Invisible Bongos”

Invisible bongos…pretend you have 9-10 invisible bongos in front of you…visualize them all…some can be magical floating bongos up in the air…others on the ground…when the time comes (and believe me you will feel the perfect moment in the music to bust this out) start playing your invisible bongos loud and proud while slapping the air in a fiery passion of dance fury…also add in the occasional thrusting…

Imagine the Bongos in this box...then play the crap out of them on the dance floor!

Ok, so those are some of the ones I can think of right now. I know I probably have more moves and will jot some down tomorrow as I go throughout my day…I challenge you all to try and work out some of these moves. Hit the dance floor, let down your hair, bust out some major ship hips, and invisible bongo the night away!

Anyway, This is a quick entry…lots of new subscribers from all over the world! Love to hear some feedback about anything and everything!

CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 16: Hawaiian Friends, Surviving Graduation, and Murder eyes

Alright Readers I have HAPPY NEWS (at least for me…this really wont mean much for most of you) …I just figured out one of my best friends whom moved away to Hawaii is reading my blog! So the pressure is on to make these posts extra amazing from now on…So now that I know I am being read by one of my nearest and dearest…BRING IT ON!!!

I need to dedicate a few posts to her about our numerous adventures…dang nabbit will those blog posts be entertaining…like one time her and I…

Nah, I love her, but this is not one of those dedication posts…Only because If I started writing about her I would never stop. So for now I am just going to type one thing to her in order to send some good vibes

I LOVE and MISS YOU ROCKY (not her real name) !!!!

Anyway so yesterday I posted about "surviving graduations" and today I went through all the beautiful photos I took yesterday and realized…Holy Crap…I am a TERRIBLE photographer! Why and How? Well, apparently for most ceremony I thought this one kid was my brother but APPARENTLY it wasn’t. I have about 100 pictures of a complete stranger whom from afar looked completely like my brother…Then the one picture I actually have of Silvio...it is blurry as can be... Needless to say Silvio is ready to strangle me! Not my fault however because the camera was just awful and that kid could have been him…but it wasn’t…damn doppelgangers

Anyway yesterday I made a list dedicated to how the one graduating can survive the ceremony…so today I am doing the vice versa…

So Here is a quick list of

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING A SPECTATOR AT A GRADUATION!:

1)      Whether you are a family member, good friend, significant other, or something else important know that at SOME POINT your darling graduate will look up to find you in the crowd…and this will happen at the worst point in time

a.       for example: Your graduate will look up at you just as you are looking the most disinterested, leaving for the bathroom, bored, or have the “get the hell out of the joint” look…this will in turn break their spirits

2)      The “time space continuum” goes to hell during a graduation…after a short time it will seem as if time will slow down…and believe me, no matter How proud you are of your graduate…you will begin to check your watch more and more…in fact, the more proud you are the slower time will go.

3)      Something I fell prey to…MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WORKING CAMERA!...During the ceremony the camera would take picture not when I wanted to…but during the most inconvenient of times. I have so many pictures of the man’s bald spot who sat in front of me. I feel like I gave him a sun burn from the flash…

4)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of sitting. While that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding the 10 seconds that your loved one is on stage

5)      Make sure you take pictures of the right kid…

6)      You will begin to hallucinate during the names…you will laugh at some of the names…and you WILL hate the parents that sound like they named their kids after vegetables or strippers

7)      I repeat…MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PICTURES OF THE RIGHT KID!

8)      You will be surprised how many kids have “awkward” names…

9)      BRING A SNACK! It helps…

10)  Lastly, when taking photos with the graduate…pride can totally register as some SERIOUS “murder eyes” in photos

.... look how proud I am of you...muahahaha...

Anyway, tomorrow I have another Silvio event!! I am feeling way better!! My Sack filled with medications is totally working!! I should be able to celebrate thirsty Thursday with the way the meds are working!

Readers, I am getting some amazing private messages and feedback so thank you for that.

Some responses to questions from the crowd…

1)      Yes, I really do LOVE Russians…they are my second biggest subscribing country

2)      Yes, I really do LOVE drinking

3)      I know…I know…I have not done many “drinking stories” but they are coming

4)      Yes, I am a jerk…I have accepted this fact as true

5)      I know that my blog has not changed in anyway visually…but my friend Kayla and I are working on it…so hold your horses…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

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