Tuesday, April 30, 2013

POST NUMERO 38.5: IT'S GONNA BE MAY!


Haha...this was the photo that started it all on this blog...or one of them...
Oh, and a year ago today I started this blog...sooooo TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS TURNS 1 TODAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTEO TORRE!
I am going out to celebrate...later readers!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 


Saturday, April 27, 2013

POST NUMERO 38: The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2, and Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell


So, The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2

So, I hope you liked the last post because 83% of this post is about my face!...if you don't want to read about my eyebrows and just want to skip down to the part about "getting fired" scroll down to wear it says "WARNING" in bold. If you want to skip right to my advice and deep thoughts read the bold paragraph (although I suggest reading it all...and more...and going back into posts...)

So, I mentioned I have “murderer eyebrows”…and rereading yesterday’s post I realized that most of you probably gasped and wondered “WHAT THE HELL?!
So before you start contacting your local authorities to report me for being some sort of “caterpillar browed” psycho…let me explain!:
I have this strange kind of allure…I blame it on my eyebrows. People LOVE me and at the same time I terrify some…I can slide from charming to crazy-ass-scary with just a small tilt of my head. Why?, because of my eyebrows…It is like my pretty man face (pretty man face?) has a darkness hidden deep within my brow bone…dun dun dunnnnn…
It even scares me how if I position my face slightly downward, glance upwards, and furrow my brow a bit I instantly become sinister! Insta-Satan! I qualify my “pretty man face” (why do I keep calling my face that!) as one you would not want to see in a dark alley with deceptive lighting…
I started realizing this fun little personality trait when I used to be a thespian (IT MEANS ACTOR!)
When I used to act I was always typecast into two different roles:
1) The Father Figure: Having a constant five o’clock shadow made me look older then most and I present myself as older so it somewhat fits
2) The Evil Dude: If there was a bad guy…I was him

I was never the comedic relief or the fun guy…and I never EVER was the young character.
But yeah…It was the eyebrows…they just add in a fuzzy creepiness to my “pretty man face” (again?!)
So I think I want a change...what happens if I do this…
Can barely notice my brows anymore...

Better?, Less Noticeable?, I think so!

So,
Time to change the topic…I know…the eyebrow thing was SO interesting that you want me to go on and on about it…but sadly I can not…

I’ve been thinking lately…

WARNING
This is going to be somewhat serious…and it is dedicated to my coworkers

When the “work friend” becomes a “real friend.” (no romance involved)
Here it is…
The daily grind brought us together. The Nine to Five (or rather 8:15- 3:15) was our hang out. We swapped stories while in the staff lounge, made trivial conversation around the water cooler, and we cracked jokes while pretending to do our jobs. In the beginning we were STRICTLY work friends. We share the bond of paperwork, meetings, and problems. We were just both there working in the same place at the same time and it just worked.

Suddenly a change happens…a spark ignites…small changes begin to occur. We begin to use sincere voices when speaking to each other. When swapping stories we REALLY laugh in comparison to the awkward breathy noises we made before. We begin to feel sad when everyone is sad, happy at accomplishments, and we start to ACTUALLY care for coworkers. We begin to watch out for each other and help out when we can without having to be asked and without a need for words...
Then one day you see coworkers outside of the workplace….maybe you grabbed a drink, maybe you were invited to a happy hour, maybe you found an empty parking lot to hang out in during lunch breaks, maybe you realized that your coworkers think just as many naughty thoughts as you do…suddenly you stand there and say… holy crap, we are now friends!
Well guess what happened…
Take a guess… cause you did it…you became REAL friends…
You converted a work friend into a real friend! It wasn't easy and it sure as hell was awkward but you did it! You made a new friend whom you can share stories with and share a part of you.

Why am I writing this “friends” stuff…I am writing because one of the cruelties of being a “real person” is occurring at work. Lay Offs have begun. Pink Slips are being sent out. Employees are being Fired. Lives are being toyed with…and it makes me want to scream out of anger and not sadness (we all know I am not capable of being sad).
I have lost a few good talented friends from these lay offs and also have lost numerous nights of sleep wondering if my ship is sunk… I see the murky waters around me and it is not good...Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell...we all know it...

So to those whom did receive bad news or are expecting it...I write you this (and I will try and take my own advice as well):

When a job ends abruptly think of it as being a reality check in the right direction. Look at it NOT as the time you have lost but rather the memories and experiences you HAVE gained. Looking back at your career you will realize that you have not lost them but THEY have lost you,  it is THEIR mistake for letting you go, and it is THEIR loss. You are powerful, dedicated, determined, and an integral part to any team and you should know that. A part of your world feels like it might be ending, you might be sad, and suddenly you realize that bad things happen fast and you live through them slow. However SHIT HAPPENS! Shit has happened in the past and shit will happen in the future. You can not give up, you can not quit, you just have to fight like hell for now and readjust to make sure you make it through. It is unfair, it is not right, it is what it is. Keep poised, and use your circumstances to fuel your emotions and push you through.

So I offer this to you as a closing comment…

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..."
Romans 5:3-4

You all will endure…you all will persevere…you all will be missed…
If any of this made any sense...then success for me!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 


Monday, April 22, 2013

POST NUMERO 37: Happy Earth Day, Listen to the Captain, and the Power of Eyebrows Pt1


Hey Readers,
HAPPY EARTH DAY!!
Yes, in case you did not know, it is Earth Day… a real holiday…in which we celebrate the Earth…oh goodness!!
All day I have been doing things “Because it is Earth day”…Nothing really in the spirit of the Earth but literally using Earth Day as an excuse for my actions…
Took a Picture on Snap Chat…Cause it is Earth Day!
Drank that Glass of unknown liquid…Cause it is Earth Day!
Wore Gym Shorts to Work…Cause it is Earth Day!
Took a 3 Hour Nap... Cause it is Earth Day
Made bad Decisions and Acted accordingly…Cause it is Earth Day!

Anyway…Earth Day…the one day we are supposed to be excited about protecting the earth…
For the 24 hours of Earth Day, the media will assault us with tales of imminent disaster that always accompany the annual Earth Day Doom & Gloom Extravaganza.
Ignore them. They’ll be wrong. We should be confident because they have always been wrong and hopefully always will be…at least in my opinion! (which we know is usually wrong!)

So, here is my Idea: 
What they should show on television is an entire day marathon of "CAPTAIN PLANET!"
You want to save the world...listen to the Captain! 

Captain Planet taught me the importance of treating the world with respect! It is true...I still have a power ring to prove that at one point...I was a Planeteer! For those who were not around between 1990 and 1996, the basic plot of Captain Planet was: 5 bad ass teenagers wore special rings that granted them “the powers of the earth”,  one of them was a communist, all major racial groups were represented, and one kid had the worst power possible which was the ability to show bad guys the error of their ways aka the “Heart Power”. When they felt overwhelmed they combined their powers and summoned “Earth’s greatest champion” Captain Planet! Together they fought pollution and helped out “Gaia/Mother Nature” keep the earth intact and balanced! It was truly an awesome show! However, instead you will see that really sad commercial with the Drowning Polar Bears (you know the one that comes on after the starving children commercial and before the abused animal commercial...they make my nervous)!
"Help Me!"

Here is what is confusing, every day should be Earth Day! Ok, I guess today is the day we officially try and teach ourselves the way to promote environmentalism. But, who the hell are we kidding…our goal is not to “save the Earth” but rather to keep it somewhat livable for humans, animals, and plant life. The earth doesn't really need the saving…We do.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!...that was overtly deep…
So let’s clear things up.  Earth Day/Week/Forever has nothing to do with the earth or saving it.  It has to do with us humans.  They should call it People Day/Week.  No one is altruistically concerned with the earth…if we were we would never drive, wear clothes, or do anything really (Nude Recreation Week to the MAX!). Yet, what we’re concerned with is whether or not the earth can put up with our crap anymore. It is our hope that by recycling it here on Earth Day 2013, the world will not royally screw us over until Earth Day 2014.

Anyway, I am just as green as green can be (HA!, lie)…I am green enough to know that I should recycle all my empty wine bottles… Here at the Torre house we compost, garden and “reduce, reuse and recycle”…we try, we fail, but we still try!!!


OK, new topic!

The power of Eyebrows part 1…WOAH!! RANDOM!!!

This has been on my mind since yesterday when I saw this Image on Facebook…get ready for cuteness everyone:



Everyone I introduce you to Finnegan...my friends new puppy!
Ok the formal introduction is over, look at him carefully…look at that steely gaze, that steely puppy gaze… look…
Now look at him again!


LOOK AT THE POWER OF THE EYEBROW!!

I have incredibly large eyebrows…I know it…I see them…if I squint I can block out the world around me. However, I freaking love the power they give me…especially being that I qualify them as “murderer eyebrows” (huh?!)…but I will explain that phrasing in another post (perhaps: The Power of Eyebrows part 2)!

I was bored earlier so I photo shopped (not very well because I am not Kayla and I was using Microsoft Paint) to show the importance of eyebrows, are some celebrities without eyebrows to prove my point!




 



Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 






Wednesday, April 17, 2013

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?


Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!
Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!
Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…
Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.
For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.
If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...
 
HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!
A real 18 pack right there...


But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …


Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…
Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

Monday, April 15, 2013

POST NUMERO 25.5: thanks, the sexcada, and a conversation with "Carolyn"

Hey everyone! So I am currently posting because I want to thank everyone for the emails about 1) how exciting it is to have me back, 2) how much I sound like a terrible person, 3) how funny I am, 4) how gross and disturbing my last post was, 4) emailing me your HILARIOUS "sex-cada" playlists (I just came up with that word..."Sexcada"... Instead of "secada"... I am so witty!) and 5) the question you ALL seemed to email me, " is that the playlist I use for "loving" ". It's not.

Speaking of a funny story this conversation just occurred between a coworker and I. I shall call her "Carolyn"

Carolyn: What are you doing?
Me: I am blogging about the "sexcada"...
Carolyn: YOU blog?! (In the tinniest whisper) its a sex blog?!?!

I might be paraphrasing but it is close enough for her to read later and blush about...
Ladies and gentlemen this is how rumors start...

Anyway. I am blogging from my iPod so I don't know how to really edit this post correctly. WHATEVER !!

More posts coming soon!

Cheers, Salute, chin chin!!!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

 photo tumblr_m1vazomZXn1rsj1bjo1_500_zpse803d3e7.gif
If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…
A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…
Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…
Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...


Seriously…I am not happy about this!...
Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one
Hate them...hate them SO much...
And now I have to deal with these!
Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)
I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...
AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...
To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:
ABBRACADDABRA!
Not this:
I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!
So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix
1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly
2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye
3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa
5)      S&M- Rihanna
6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi
7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera
9)      Pony – Ginuwine
10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera
11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails
12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails
13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears
14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake
15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta
16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull
17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins


Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?
And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable
HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon
Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE



Saturday, April 13, 2013

POST NUMERO 34: April, and That One Riddle that is in My Mind


So, it has been far too long….Happy April!
Let’s act like this long time away never happened…we were perhaps, on a break?...

 photo tumblr_lsgenxm6TU1qaboh9o1_250_zpsed294c5c.gif
I just realized I have been watching A LOT of friends

I don’t have much to say in this post because not much has happened…or rather…more of the same…which in this case is just me sitting at my desk and burning out my retinas with my terrible new desk lamp.
Since the beginning of the month, the few times I have rejoined humanity have been incredibly awkward (SHOCKER!)
I walk around with soft elevator music playing on repeat in my mind and I constantly contemplate how I have the strangest urge to ask everyone that grade school riddle, “April Showers bring May Flowers but what do “May Flowers” bring?”
The answer to the riddle is “Pilgrims” (or to be more accurate…Pilgrims, numerous contagious diseases, tuberculosis, and a hostile “take over and slay the natives” attitude)

If you did not understand this riddle your childhood was probably terrrrible.

I have been so busy that my life is just kind of bland right now...This "becoming a real person" thing really reeeeally sucks….

Anyway, April is an Absurd Month!
It always brings along some sort of uneasiness as the bitch of winter is finally passing and spring arrives…
Take notice readers that all the people who had winter cabin fever come out of ‘hiding’ for the spring and unleash their seasonal depression upon the masses..
Even worse…those same people usually have the worst allergies in the world so they literally exit the house all excited about the sunlight and the warming temperature and just basically die from a high pollen count….crazy crazy mother nature!

Also in April everyone has this moment when you are suddenly confronted by that one friend whom you have not seen for a long time and you think to yourself, “Where the hell has she been?!” and then you remember…”Nope, It has just been Winter!”

Anyway things to know about April:
April has some huge holidays…
April Fools' Day (April 1)
Earth Day (April 22)
And of course one of the biggest days of the year…the ever important
Arbor Day  (April 5)

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month, National Food Month, National Soft Pretzel Month ...And National Stress Awareness Month. Which is funny because…Drinking, eating, and pretzels are the way I alleviate my stress…Oh Silly Me!

It is also “National Older People Month”…and I don’t understand exactly what that means…so Um…go hug someone who is Older then you?…it is also…and I am quoting the commercial that just played on the television (how convenient), “Pets are Wonderful Month” …and I agree…Pets are Wonderful! And if you agree…find my previous post about pets…WAIT I will give you the link: http://matteotorre.blogspot.com/2012/05/post-numero-6-pets-and-such.html
I am so clever it hurts...



And Finally…One that is Very near and dear…

April is National Autism Awareness Month
Research, Give Back, and Donate: http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/showHomePage.do

LIGHT IT UP BLUE!




WOAH ABRUPT FUN FACT:  If you were lucky enough to invest in a small computer company in April of 1976 – you are probably a billionaire today: Apple Inc. was founded April 1, 1976.

Wow…I am currently glaring at my parents for not investing in freaking Apple…I am also looking at my cell phone and realizing I still have an old Blackberry…so HA!, I guess I am still not making any investment in Apple either.


ANYWAY!, more posts coming soon…
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!