POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 14: "The Buzz By!"

So, 24 days left of school till summer break! I am crazy excited and the weather has already started to get hot during the mid afternoon. However, with all this damn rain it is like a sauna outside and regardless of how sick I have been lately, this humidity is not helping with sleeping.

So, last night I experienced what might have been and what might be one of the most horrific events in life…something I’d like to call…”The Buzz By”….dun dun dunnnnn….

What is the “The Buzz By”? Well, “The Buzz By” is when you lay down on your pillow for sleep…get all comfortable…start drifting off…and suddenly…WTF!!!, YOU HEAR A BUZZ PASS YOUR EAR!?!?!

To be more exact in the definition, it is when a Mosquito manages to get into your space and torture you by buzzing in your ear all night until you are forced to hunt it down like an angry freaking hippo. It is horrific! They make such a terrible high pitched noise and you know they are on a hunt for blood. This hunt could be taking place anywhere as you try and rationalize that maybe, “you imagined the noise” until it happens again!

GOSH…I shiver to even think of it…after I heard it…I quickly tossed aside my Snuggie and frantically searched myself and the room…I found it on my pillow…I am now scared for life!

This is what it was like:

I googled searched a bunch of terms in this post and was disgusted by the results...
so here is another puppy!

Here are only a few sensations that match the horror of “The Buzz By”:

1) The “Spider Web Walk In”: This one is common in the early spring into summer…when all the cute little silk worm bastards come out and leave silk strings hanging from everything and letting the unsuspecting public walk into them and then slap, flap, and flail to try and get them off. It is horrifying because the silk strings always manage to be completely invisible but produce an eerie hit in the face with an exploding octopus sensation.

2) The “Was that beauty mark there before I went into the woods effect?”: Simple…is it a tick…is it not a tick…did anyone or does anyone do the “Tick Check” when they come inside…I know I do!

3) The “I killed the bug…Shit, where did it go effect?!”: This one is great, you are confident you killed the bug…but when you look…it is gone. Sometimes the worst is when you think you killed it and it still runs or falls down and disappears into nowhere…except now it is seeking vengeance.

And one not having to do with Bugs

4) The “Banana Stare”: The “Banana Stare” is when you are trying to eat a banana in public without making eye contact with anyone. THEN SUDDENLY you end up making eye contact and it becomes…just…inappropriate…it is just freaking difficult to look away and act normal afterwards. In fact, readers, I challenge you…next time you eat a banana in public…make direct eye contact with someone and see how that goes over…I promise hilarity and awkwardness will ensue (maybe even a date, or a fist fight!)

ANYWAY, More blog posts to come…thank you for the private messages and love…Germany and Malaysia apparently do not love me anymore! Russia keep reading!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!