POST NUMERO 14: "The Buzz By!"

So, 24 days left of school till summer break! I am crazy excited and the weather has already started to get hot during the mid afternoon. However, with all this damn rain it is like a sauna outside and regardless of how sick I have been lately, this humidity is not helping with sleeping.

So, last night I experienced what might have been and what might be one of the most horrific events in life…something I’d like to call…”The Buzz By”….dun dun dunnnnn….

What is the “The Buzz By”? Well, “The Buzz By” is when you lay down on your pillow for sleep…get all comfortable…start drifting off…and suddenly…WTF!!!, YOU HEAR A BUZZ PASS YOUR EAR!?!?!

To be more exact in the definition, it is when a Mosquito manages to get into your space and torture you by buzzing in your ear all night until you are forced to hunt it down like an angry freaking hippo. It is horrific! They make such a terrible high pitched noise and you know they are on a hunt for blood. This hunt could be taking place anywhere as you try and rationalize that maybe, “you imagined the noise” until it happens again!

GOSH…I shiver to even think of it…after I heard it…I quickly tossed aside my Snuggie and frantically searched myself and the room…I found it on my pillow…I am now scared for life!

This is what it was like:

I googled searched a bunch of terms in this post and was disgusted by the results...
so here is another puppy!

Here are only a few sensations that match the horror of “The Buzz By”:

1) The “Spider Web Walk In”: This one is common in the early spring into summer…when all the cute little silk worm bastards come out and leave silk strings hanging from everything and letting the unsuspecting public walk into them and then slap, flap, and flail to try and get them off. It is horrifying because the silk strings always manage to be completely invisible but produce an eerie hit in the face with an exploding octopus sensation.

2) The “Was that beauty mark there before I went into the woods effect?”: Simple…is it a tick…is it not a tick…did anyone or does anyone do the “Tick Check” when they come inside…I know I do!

3) The “I killed the bug…Shit, where did it go effect?!”: This one is great, you are confident you killed the bug…but when you look…it is gone. Sometimes the worst is when you think you killed it and it still runs or falls down and disappears into nowhere…except now it is seeking vengeance.

And one not having to do with Bugs

4) The “Banana Stare”: The “Banana Stare” is when you are trying to eat a banana in public without making eye contact with anyone. THEN SUDDENLY you end up making eye contact and it becomes…just…inappropriate…it is just freaking difficult to look away and act normal afterwards. In fact, readers, I challenge you…next time you eat a banana in public…make direct eye contact with someone and see how that goes over…I promise hilarity and awkwardness will ensue (maybe even a date, or a fist fight!)

ANYWAY, More blog posts to come…thank you for the private messages and love…Germany and Malaysia apparently do not love me anymore! Russia keep reading!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 13: Shame and the Fetal Position

One of my many social quirks is that I have an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment. Wait, let me rephrase…I don’t have a sense of shame but I do have an overwhelming sense of shame when others are experiencing shame (did that make sense). If someone says something for which they should be embarrassed I take it upon myself to feel their missing shame. Growing up, I couldn't watch awkward coming of age shows and movies. I could not stand around while crap went down. When someone was embarrassed it was as if the muscles in my extremities would start to suffer from shakiness and lock up...then BAM fetal position.

I felt the same way in class when some students would feel the need to go off the given topic into personal stories that are either too personal or have little to no relevance to the topic at hand. I mean, it is common to have normal conversation...stray away from the topic slightly...but when all of a sudden the person having conversation throws in something incredibly personal about leading a terrible life…it would make me cringe...then BAM fetal position...

For Example...in Math Class…

Me: I think that x=3
Student: He is wrong…x=4…and speaking of wrong, once I was snorting lines of an unknown substance off an underage prostitute while simultaneously running guns for a Colombian cartel group which led them to beating their wives and screaming at their children…then I drag raced haphazardly…

Me: I still think that x=3

In case anyone cares…the answer was 4…damn math

I don’t encourage people to share past transgressions because hearing your life makes my ears go numb and I don’t like feeling shame that is not mine. When someone decides to do that, my natural reaction is to feel embarrassed for them. I put my head in between my knees and rock back and forth until my someone taps me on the back and tells me it's over.

Ok…so…today was alright…thank for your private messages readers! I feel somewhat better and will probably be better in about a day or so (my uncontrollable fever crying has subsided). I could not take off from work which I am sure would have helped…I have drank so many liquids and none of them have been alcohol (I finally know what cranberry juice tastes like…with out the vodka)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 11: Mother's Day and Falò success!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY READERS!!!! Ok so I am starting this post off with a thank you to ALL mothers…and the most important one ever…Mine!

So My mother is the best…she has taught me how to be strong, how to be caring, how to be a dreamer…she has never spoiled me and taught me to be dedicated in order to achieve my goals, she disciplined me to the core (wooden spoon…great for stirring a pot & a quick hit), and she is always there even when I least expect it.

How to explain my mother… in essence she may look like the epitome of an overbearing Italian mother…yet, she is SO MUCH more then meets the eye!

In her five foot five stature she is the most intimidating person most people have ever met. She one time made my Middle School Principal Cry. One day I will write more about her…But Happy Mother’s Day Mom…Love you! And To all the women in my life, I wish you all a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. I am honored by your presence in my life!

Ok…that brief moment of having a heart is over now…Love you Mamma! (I promise you readers that I have a whole post dedicated to describing my family coming up soon)

so...so...true....HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!

The falò was freaking success!!!! However my beer had some crazy things going on with it (story to follow)…and In exciting drinking news…I managed to find the LAST cans of Jeremiah’s Weed with in the tritown area…this is not exageration…the man at the liquor store had to root through boxes of stuff in order to find the drink of summer! The perfect time in the woods…smell of fire…fancy spanish sausages cooked over a falò fire…amazing….and so fancy… There is just something to be said about a chill night with friends around a roaring someky fire.

Plus…friends with rum and sausgae….add a new level into everything

So I challenge you readers to have a chill night with friends…no going out…put a movie on…play a board game…put on a movie…

I sound like a shut in but in honesty I wayed the cost of everything and the fun I had and wow…it was hands down a win!

Ok so the beer I bought last night had various different label designs made by famous artists…mine read this…

“Don’t Forget you’re here forever”…
how creepy and awkward is that? I apologize for the lack of updates recently...been busy enjoying the weather!...I think I owe you readers about six posts for staying loyal!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

OH THANK YOU RUSSIA FOR BEING MY SECOND BIGGEST FOLLOWING COUNTRY!...thanks to google translate here is what I have to say to you:

Спасибо за чтение его!!!

ALSO! Happy Graduation to some amazing people...this goes out to Samantha R., Jackie C, and all those other friends whom are amazing!

POST NUMERO 6: Blogs about Teeth?!?!

It has been a very loooooong week….

So, I am trying to write a blog entry before I go to bed each night…and have failed twice… I usually start in the afternoon with some random and half assed ideas…but midway through I usually delete all of it and just start again on a different topic. I am slowly realizing it is not easy to write something every night and I want this blog to be entertaining and satisfying enough for anyone to stumble upon (a.k.a I don’t want my posts to be crap)…

However, It is all rather cathartic and I like this blogging concept so far...however... I look at some of the other blogs and go…wow…how does anyone find this interesting...

For example:

What kind of WIERDASS PERSON created the blog dedicated to turning and preserving your children’s baby teeth into “wearable” jewelry.

HOW HORRIFYING IS THAT!

The first step in the process (according to the blog) was, “Procure some teeth from your baby”…
I would love to meet a person who actually has done this…who has stolen the teeth from underneath the pillow and been like..

“Listen Johnny…the tooth fairy won’t be coming tonight because Mommy needs your teeth to complete her baby teeth necklace and matching bracelet”

Plus who is really wearing these things...if my future kids came to me with a necklace covered in teeth and wanted me to wear it I would start looking for "special doctors" and boarding schools right away. Plus, I know if I saw someone with human teeth on them as an accessory I would flip out...blech! Just gross. gross. gross....look how gross they are...

I image searched "teeth jewelry" and became so disgusted that instead of inflicting you with that horrible image here is a picture of a puppy....

Speaking of teeth…did anyone ever lose a tooth in a weird fashion…did any of you grow up with the “string and doorknob” method…teeth gross me out…

So the long week came to a much needed relaxing conclusion…going over to a good friend’s house to relax and get out of the house. The events of this past week brought me to the snapping point for many reasons (this job is making me rethink everything). I owe my friend a lot and a great deal of gratitude. I am promising a lot of “blog time” to them in future posts. Before I go into detail about them I have to ask if they want code names….

Plus, when I ask for “Vodka in a Glass” these friends actually know I am NOT kidding and to put “Vodka in a Glass”…or better yet they preface it with…”Should I just bring out the Bottle”…I am blessed to have them.

Quote of the Night for Friday:
AB: "Oh I just did an Essay on that!"

MT: "On, Giving Up??"

SO, readers (all 120 of you...and my 3 favorite readers from Germany) if my blog is turning into crap...tell me...and also give me some topics...Matteo Loves to Rant!!!

I will work harder on formulating some ideas (unlike this half assed entry dedicated to teeth)...CINCO DE MAYO BABY! Tequila is a formidable opponent for me...

SALUTE! CHEERS! CHIN CHIN! and...in honor of Cinco De Mayo...OLE!!!