POST NUMERO 32: The Leasing of Furniture

Alright so,

Firstly…I came to the realization last night that I never used a GOOD friend's code name in really any post...so to make up for it.... I am going to just write it 10 times…so she knows I care:

Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie (not even her real name)

Tonight I went to Judie and Lens house and OH BOY! What a fun time. Whenever we get together it is always a fun time (reread the post about going night swimming down the shore and how we were almost “naaaaked and arrestedddd” ). There was a tornado warning and it stormed like a bitch. I drove 20 miles an hour and while stopping into the liquer store to buy supplies for the evening the cashier asked me what the weather was like outside (I was so wet and windblown that my clothes were see through)

Anyway, a few hours with them always does the mind good and I always learn many things…

Firstly…how nice it is to reconnect with old friends…so I saw a friend I have not seen since last year around this time…it is not that we have not tried to get together but her and I have not exactly had the easiest of schedules to incorporate “friendly bonding/bitching time”. Her name is Zucchini (this is a COMPLETE codename…basically, being that I suck with names, the first time I met her I completely and totally forgot her name…a name that is mighty exotic and amazing…so I thought she said Zucchini and I referred to her as such for months until I was finally corrected). Anyway she is kind of awesome and I just enjoy her company…So readers…I challenge you to go and find a friend and reconnect and just go for it because it is a fun fuuuuuuuuuun time.

Secondly... So amongst the group we get into meaningless conversations about growing up…tonight’s conversation revolved around an obscure financial burden that comes along with growing up. This obscure financial burden revolves around, “Leasing Furniture”.

I understand why people do lease furniture.

I have never leased furniture nor do I think I could because I need the security of knowing the couch I accidently keep drooling on is completely mine. However, it was hilarious hearing Judie, Len, and Zucchini swap stories. I have heard of leasing cars but NEVER furniture (Damn that fucking “life bubble” I grew up in). Do I really want to be paying off an ottoman for the rest of my life. So, how do I explain leasing furniture in my opinion…alright so I think leasing furniture is fine but what the real issue is (and we decided this amongst the group) is the hilarity of having to pay the bill. I mean think about it…you go and get the mail…you look through it…phone bill, cable bill, water bill, electric bill, and then you come to the envelope that tells you that the pillows on your reclining Lazyboy sectional are not technically yours yet or paid for yet. Think about it readers…all those bills and then the cherry on the top of the sundae which is a bill detailing the pending price of the object more then likely your ass is sitting on at that moment. I don’t know why I find it so funny. Plus, think about this…you can’t make the payments…what happens next…the furniture store comes and repossess a couch…CRAP…where will I sleep when I have arguments with my future wife (psh…we all know I am dieing alone and now I am also dieing couchless...). I feel like I need to create a Mafia to enforce the rules of leasing furniture…a secret underground taskforce to make sure people are paying off their couches, tables, and beds.

I picture the people dressed all in black coming to the door and saying things like, “ You didn’t pay this month…and if you can’t pay for the couch…then you're getting the ouch"

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!

More Posts coming Soon!!

POST NUMERO 13: Shame and the Fetal Position

One of my many social quirks is that I have an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment. Wait, let me rephrase…I don’t have a sense of shame but I do have an overwhelming sense of shame when others are experiencing shame (did that make sense). If someone says something for which they should be embarrassed I take it upon myself to feel their missing shame. Growing up, I couldn't watch awkward coming of age shows and movies. I could not stand around while crap went down. When someone was embarrassed it was as if the muscles in my extremities would start to suffer from shakiness and lock up...then BAM fetal position.

I felt the same way in class when some students would feel the need to go off the given topic into personal stories that are either too personal or have little to no relevance to the topic at hand. I mean, it is common to have normal conversation...stray away from the topic slightly...but when all of a sudden the person having conversation throws in something incredibly personal about leading a terrible life…it would make me cringe...then BAM fetal position...

For Example...in Math Class…

Me: I think that x=3
Student: He is wrong…x=4…and speaking of wrong, once I was snorting lines of an unknown substance off an underage prostitute while simultaneously running guns for a Colombian cartel group which led them to beating their wives and screaming at their children…then I drag raced haphazardly…

Me: I still think that x=3

In case anyone cares…the answer was 4…damn math

I don’t encourage people to share past transgressions because hearing your life makes my ears go numb and I don’t like feeling shame that is not mine. When someone decides to do that, my natural reaction is to feel embarrassed for them. I put my head in between my knees and rock back and forth until my someone taps me on the back and tells me it's over.

Ok…so…today was alright…thank for your private messages readers! I feel somewhat better and will probably be better in about a day or so (my uncontrollable fever crying has subsided). I could not take off from work which I am sure would have helped…I have drank so many liquids and none of them have been alcohol (I finally know what cranberry juice tastes like…with out the vodka)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 5: pets and such!

So for my new job I need to know some general sign language... unfortunately I am useless to the kids as I only know the ASL signs for dog, cat, lunch, and lesbian...don't ask me why I know lesbian...I just do. I don't even really know the ASL alphabet...But today I had to Sign the words cat and dog so many times that I have had pets on the brain.

I have never had any real pets. I have however had some strange occurrences with animals. Growing up I always wanted a dog. Oh how I dreamed of having a dog to look after me and be my best friend. To have a dog to curl up with on the couch with and be a watchdog if bad people ever entered the house. How tremendous to spend a day with my best friend running around the park and playing fetch. I really do like dogs. 

Yet, I could never be a dog owner. I am in no way, shape, or form responsible enough to handle pets. It is a horrible trait. As I said in the about me section I dreamed of having a dog named “Basil” (like the herb). I wanted pets all my life and I would see people with their pets and be like, “sigh, I want that!” Then, what makes it better is the fact of how I would at one point have really taken any pet. Yet, once again I could never handle the responsibility.

Here are my feelings on different animals as pets

-Dog: adorable, my ideal pet, furry and fun

-Cat: Definitely not for me however to each there own. I do think some are adorable however. Unfortunately, when I get near them I might as well just have it lie on my face and scratch away. I am crazy allergic. Plus I feel with cats, some are just flat out evil.

-Gerbils/ Hamsters: rat, rat, rat, rat, rat, rat, rat….rat.

-Snakes: YOU OUT OF YOU DAMN FREAKING MIND!!!!!!! It is a snake… have you never seen the Discovery Channel! I one time watched a snake swallow an entire alligator on a Nature Channel special. I freaking can’t even believe my ears when someone owns a snake. I mean come on! On the news one time, there was a story about how a man would sleep with his snake next to him and the snake would cuddle up with him and he thought it was adorable. Until one day the vet told him that the snake was cuddling up to him so the snake knew how much he would have to swallow whole.

-Birds: The jury is out on birds. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t like them to much either. I feel like I could not really be a “bird person”. In my opinion, I feel like you have to be a certain kind of person to own a bird or a parrot. Like a pirate, or a gypsy, or Shakira. They are however very beautiful.

-Lizards/ Frogs: not for me, huge reminder of High school biology dissections

-Fish: Gold are fine, anything else to me are hideous. Plus beta-fish…they are legit the psychos of the fishbowl world.

The pets I have had throughout my life have had a few common traits.

1)      Most my pets have been named after Italian Painters/ Ninja Turtles

2)      Those that have not been named after Italian Painters have either been named “Peter” or followed the following formula: “Type of Animal” + “y” (for example, “fish” + “y”= fishy)

3)      They have not lived long

So my life according to the few pets I owned…

At the age of five my mother came home with a goldfish. I forget what the thing was named (more then likely Peter). I loved that ONE day we had with that goldfish. Yes, you read it right little “Goldy” lasted only ONE day. You see, my family tried making an exotic display by putting Goldy in a washed out Carlo Rossi wine jug bottle. Along with some stones and shrubs and a decorative bow.. it was so very Martha Stewart approved.  However, my parents did not wash it out well enough and there must have been some residual wine in there because little Goldy began swimming all “willy-nilly” and bam!! Upside down. Little Goldy drank himself to death.

Goldy hit the bottle a little to hard...

I had a bunch of random wild turtles. Michelangelo, the one I really liked, would do things on command and he was very smart...so smart that my grandma took him to the flee market and sold him for a hefty sum.
One time a deer got caught in our batting cage...I am counting him as a pet because he lived and I named him...my 4 hour pet deer friend...
I did grow up on a farm however so we had chickens, sheep, and other livestock...but they do not count...

WELL...need to start thinking of my next few posts...tomorrow I am going to try sneak writing one at work...good luck to me and happy...
WINE WEDNESDAY!!
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!