POST NUMERO 9: Laziness Pizza

Ok, so yesterday and the day before blogger was losing its damn mind and I could not post anything. Every time I tried to click on something in my blog a popup would tell me about an “error message” that I needed to “report”. I was however way to lazy to see if I could fix the problem and after 4 minutes of tinkering and reloading I gave up and drank, napped, skipped working out, made a red velvet cake, and then watched television. However in the back of my mind readers I felt a sharp little pang of guilt on not being able to provide some sort of post…so I drank a little bit more.

But in honesty I felt terribly unaccomplished…so tonight I am going to try and write something somewhat alright.
Ok, so the last few days have been hectic and my “summer fever” has hit hard. I have decided to start walking during my lunch breaks instead of my normal go into my car  and cry routine (this is a joke...or is it).  Today the weather was beautiful! So, while walking today I recalled the summer I worked as a pizza delivery boy…

Finding proof that humanity is losing its mind and becoming more of a horrible subject can be found in some of the simplest places in life. For example, I detested making pizza deliveries and learned numerous life lessons from the experience. Most of these lessons revolve around the people I had to encounter and some worthwhile and not so worthwhile experiences. Here is just a small list of all the realizations that came to me as I pounded the pavement:

1)      It is an incredibly exhausting experience that no one would make easier. Imagine delivering as having to constantly get in and out of the car with other people’s searing hot groceries. People would literally stand in the door way or watch me struggle to ring a door bell with hands filled with food and not help. Luckily for me I am flexible and have the capability to open door knobs with my feet and turn the knob with my pelvis

2)      It is NOT CHEAP to be a delivery boy! The jackass restaurant I worked in did not provide a car for its deliveries. ASSUME that the poor sap hand delivering food to your door is doing so in his own car and with his own gas money. This causes an obscene amount of cash loss and that measly two dollar tip on your pizza really does not make up for anything.

3)      THE CAR WILL REEK OF FOOD FOR LIFE! The overwhelming smell of hot food wafting from the containers is not pleasant what-so-ever. The smell of pizza may be mouthwatering in a large kitchen but imagine having to deliver 23 of them a night and the lingering smell that is left in the upholstered cabin of my car. Also being someone who has a natural tendency to become car sick these smells become a torture. Long after I left the job the aroma of pizza was stuck in my brain and I was unable to eat it for a year just out of pure disgust.

4)      People lose all sense of parental instincts if they are hungry. Not to stereotype or make a false percentage but probably more then half of delivery drivers are teenagers. I know for a fact that most parents don’t like their teenagers driving around at night in downpours, blizzards, or any other bad weather. Yet these same people have no qualms about having other teenage kids deliver their pizza in the freaking Apocalypse

5)      Tying in with the last one. If I actually make it to your house in horrible weather conditions please have the decency to invite me in to where I will not be trapped in the bad weather. I am not asking to be invited in to the bedroom (or am I) or to take a shower (or am I) but I risked my life to bring you food. So the least you can do is let me come in from the rain and stand in your foyer or duck into your door

6)      Ok, at night everything looks alike so please give some description into what your house looks like or some defining characteristic. Plus after 6’oclock at night you can no longer see numbers on houses so turn on the lights and make your house known. Common courtesy would state that I (even though a stranger) should not feel like I am walking into a bad horror movie because you are too caught up in NOT making dinner to hit a few switches.

7)      People are both lazy and heartless. One woman would order delivery for her family and she lived across the street. This is not even an exaggeration. Her driveway was directly across from the exit of the restaurant. On the other side of the spectrum some would live 30 minutes or more away from the restaurant and expect a quick and speedy delivery. Here is a rule mankind, if you live far…DON’T ORDER TAKE OUT OR FIND A CLOSER PLACE THAT HAS DELIVERY! If you don’t heed this advice then please tip better.

No Tip, then No telling her I accidently dropped two of these in the grass

So, This post gave me inspiration for a few more…I owe the public 3 more posts today so be on the look out!
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 8: DOT DOT DOT

Happy Tequila Tuesday!

So, someone private messaged me to tell me I use “waaaay” to many “…” in my writing and it makes it seem like I am “out of breath” so he/she decided that it was annoying and I should stop with the “…”

So here is what I have to say to that:

Ok, thank you for the feed back…it’s just…so hard...so…what are the words I am trying to find?…you know…I am trying…sheesh…the words are so hard to find…readers, you know…I really like…using…the dot dot dot…it is just…I just love it so much…so…so…much…

^If you did not notice what I just did above, then obviously we could never be friends. Ok, so I openly admitted in my first post ever that I am basically a crap writer. I actually get anxiety when I post these things because I feel like nothing in my writing makes any sense. I really just do what is comfortable for me, which includes writing in the most casu-freakin-al way possible!

PLUS private messenger, How do you know I am not writing when I am breathless…in fact I always write these posts when I am sprinting on the treadmill or having an asthma attack…it gives me inspiration!! (and really firms up my Glutes)

So. Let me just say…

I like “…” a lot
I like exclamation points

I do not know how to spell
Grammar is not my forte

But I still keep typing!

however...

I would love to keep typing but can not the pollen count is so high that my eyes feel like they are going to fall out!

HAPPY NEWS HOWEVER! BIG CHANGES SHOULD BE HAPPENING TO THE BLOG SOON!! NEW LAYOUT! NEW PICTURES!!! WHYYYY YOU MAY ASK!?! Kayla is home...home for summer!!!


CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!! So, it may not have been the most interesting post...but I promise more are coming!

POST NUMERO 5: pets and such!

So for my new job I need to know some general sign language... unfortunately I am useless to the kids as I only know the ASL signs for dog, cat, lunch, and lesbian...don't ask me why I know lesbian...I just do. I don't even really know the ASL alphabet...But today I had to Sign the words cat and dog so many times that I have had pets on the brain.

I have never had any real pets. I have however had some strange occurrences with animals. Growing up I always wanted a dog. Oh how I dreamed of having a dog to look after me and be my best friend. To have a dog to curl up with on the couch with and be a watchdog if bad people ever entered the house. How tremendous to spend a day with my best friend running around the park and playing fetch. I really do like dogs. 

Yet, I could never be a dog owner. I am in no way, shape, or form responsible enough to handle pets. It is a horrible trait. As I said in the about me section I dreamed of having a dog named “Basil” (like the herb). I wanted pets all my life and I would see people with their pets and be like, “sigh, I want that!” Then, what makes it better is the fact of how I would at one point have really taken any pet. Yet, once again I could never handle the responsibility.

Here are my feelings on different animals as pets

-Dog: adorable, my ideal pet, furry and fun

-Cat: Definitely not for me however to each there own. I do think some are adorable however. Unfortunately, when I get near them I might as well just have it lie on my face and scratch away. I am crazy allergic. Plus I feel with cats, some are just flat out evil.

-Gerbils/ Hamsters: rat, rat, rat, rat, rat, rat, rat….rat.

-Snakes: YOU OUT OF YOU DAMN FREAKING MIND!!!!!!! It is a snake… have you never seen the Discovery Channel! I one time watched a snake swallow an entire alligator on a Nature Channel special. I freaking can’t even believe my ears when someone owns a snake. I mean come on! On the news one time, there was a story about how a man would sleep with his snake next to him and the snake would cuddle up with him and he thought it was adorable. Until one day the vet told him that the snake was cuddling up to him so the snake knew how much he would have to swallow whole.

-Birds: The jury is out on birds. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t like them to much either. I feel like I could not really be a “bird person”. In my opinion, I feel like you have to be a certain kind of person to own a bird or a parrot. Like a pirate, or a gypsy, or Shakira. They are however very beautiful.

-Lizards/ Frogs: not for me, huge reminder of High school biology dissections

-Fish: Gold are fine, anything else to me are hideous. Plus beta-fish…they are legit the psychos of the fishbowl world.

The pets I have had throughout my life have had a few common traits.

1)      Most my pets have been named after Italian Painters/ Ninja Turtles

2)      Those that have not been named after Italian Painters have either been named “Peter” or followed the following formula: “Type of Animal” + “y” (for example, “fish” + “y”= fishy)

3)      They have not lived long

So my life according to the few pets I owned…

At the age of five my mother came home with a goldfish. I forget what the thing was named (more then likely Peter). I loved that ONE day we had with that goldfish. Yes, you read it right little “Goldy” lasted only ONE day. You see, my family tried making an exotic display by putting Goldy in a washed out Carlo Rossi wine jug bottle. Along with some stones and shrubs and a decorative bow.. it was so very Martha Stewart approved.  However, my parents did not wash it out well enough and there must have been some residual wine in there because little Goldy began swimming all “willy-nilly” and bam!! Upside down. Little Goldy drank himself to death.

Goldy hit the bottle a little to hard...

I had a bunch of random wild turtles. Michelangelo, the one I really liked, would do things on command and he was very smart...so smart that my grandma took him to the flee market and sold him for a hefty sum.
One time a deer got caught in our batting cage...I am counting him as a pet because he lived and I named him...my 4 hour pet deer friend...
I did grow up on a farm however so we had chickens, sheep, and other livestock...but they do not count...

WELL...need to start thinking of my next few posts...tomorrow I am going to try sneak writing one at work...good luck to me and happy...
WINE WEDNESDAY!!
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!