POST NUMERO 32: The Leasing of Furniture

Alright so,

Firstly…I came to the realization last night that I never used a GOOD friend's code name in really any post...so to make up for it.... I am going to just write it 10 times…so she knows I care:

Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie (not even her real name)

Tonight I went to Judie and Lens house and OH BOY! What a fun time. Whenever we get together it is always a fun time (reread the post about going night swimming down the shore and how we were almost “naaaaked and arrestedddd” ). There was a tornado warning and it stormed like a bitch. I drove 20 miles an hour and while stopping into the liquer store to buy supplies for the evening the cashier asked me what the weather was like outside (I was so wet and windblown that my clothes were see through)

Anyway, a few hours with them always does the mind good and I always learn many things…

Firstly…how nice it is to reconnect with old friends…so I saw a friend I have not seen since last year around this time…it is not that we have not tried to get together but her and I have not exactly had the easiest of schedules to incorporate “friendly bonding/bitching time”. Her name is Zucchini (this is a COMPLETE codename…basically, being that I suck with names, the first time I met her I completely and totally forgot her name…a name that is mighty exotic and amazing…so I thought she said Zucchini and I referred to her as such for months until I was finally corrected). Anyway she is kind of awesome and I just enjoy her company…So readers…I challenge you to go and find a friend and reconnect and just go for it because it is a fun fuuuuuuuuuun time.

Secondly... So amongst the group we get into meaningless conversations about growing up…tonight’s conversation revolved around an obscure financial burden that comes along with growing up. This obscure financial burden revolves around, “Leasing Furniture”.

I understand why people do lease furniture.

I have never leased furniture nor do I think I could because I need the security of knowing the couch I accidently keep drooling on is completely mine. However, it was hilarious hearing Judie, Len, and Zucchini swap stories. I have heard of leasing cars but NEVER furniture (Damn that fucking “life bubble” I grew up in). Do I really want to be paying off an ottoman for the rest of my life. So, how do I explain leasing furniture in my opinion…alright so I think leasing furniture is fine but what the real issue is (and we decided this amongst the group) is the hilarity of having to pay the bill. I mean think about it…you go and get the mail…you look through it…phone bill, cable bill, water bill, electric bill, and then you come to the envelope that tells you that the pillows on your reclining Lazyboy sectional are not technically yours yet or paid for yet. Think about it readers…all those bills and then the cherry on the top of the sundae which is a bill detailing the pending price of the object more then likely your ass is sitting on at that moment. I don’t know why I find it so funny. Plus, think about this…you can’t make the payments…what happens next…the furniture store comes and repossess a couch…CRAP…where will I sleep when I have arguments with my future wife (psh…we all know I am dieing alone and now I am also dieing couchless...). I feel like I need to create a Mafia to enforce the rules of leasing furniture…a secret underground taskforce to make sure people are paying off their couches, tables, and beds.

I picture the people dressed all in black coming to the door and saying things like, “ You didn’t pay this month…and if you can’t pay for the couch…then you're getting the ouch"

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!

More Posts coming Soon!!

POST NUMERO 15: Aunt Oona, Congratulations Silvio and Surviving the Ceremony

This Post Seems long...but it is mostly empty space and pictures...enjoy!
Ok, firstly…although it happened a few days ago…Rest In Peace the Lovely Donna Summer (December 31, 1948 – May 17, 2012). You were an amazing talent and you will be missed greatly. Your music was incredibly upbeat, catchy, fun, and completely awesome.  You were the inspiration for many one person basement funky disco dance parties. Not to mention…if anyone does not remember the Family Matters episode where Donna Summer  plays “Aunt Oona from Altoona” I recommend you try and find it on YouTube or catch it online…she was hilarious and her character still makes me laugh! (Aunt Oona from Altoona…sigh…the perfect use for a fat suit)

Aunt Oona...from Altoona!

Secondly, I need to apologize readers…I know I have not posted in the longest time…it might be five days now…but my plummeting number of readers and people unsubscribing is punishment enough…but don’t worry I have good reasons for my absence so come back to me readers!

Firstly…holy crap, have I been sick with the weirdest-nothing-none-symptom-filled with symptoms type of illness…yes…I was sick…felt sick…body ached…fever…but nothing else. Then the cough came and I have not slept…and then I went to the doctor and the doctor started feeling my spleen and stuff and saying stuff about my spleen…and then I got bit…and my arms are injured and GOSH…long freaking story short…I have been sick! I am however on TONS of meds…a whole SACK load…and with this SACK OF MEDS I feel much better!

Thirdly, CONGRATULATIONS TO MY BROTHER SILVIO TORRE!!!!! Silvio Torre, not his real name, graduated with highest honors from Medical School and I announce it to you internet…DR. SILVIO TORRE will be THE BEST DOCTOR EVER!  So my life has been consumed with dedication and praise to him and it has left little time for typing up my rants. This dedication to my brother involves planning a party and buying a gift and trying to ration my clothes so he can look nice and I don’t look better then him at the graduation ceremonies (it happens sometimes…we have argued…he was tired of people wondering who was older so I kinda have to dress “younger” then him…it never works)

Fourthly, let me repeat…CONGRATS TO MY BROTHER DOCTOR SILVIO TORRE!!!!

AUGURI SILVIO!!!

AUGURI DOTTORE!!!

Fifthly, I have just been tired…I pass out at night midway though a post ranting about whatever.

Ok, so that is just the short list of reasons of why I have been a "jackass" and have not written on here in a relatively long time (especially after conveying time and time again the dedication that I would give to this site). However, rest assured readers, over the weekend I did not do much that is of any interest to write about…

Anyway, the Torre family never has parties (we stopped celebrating birthdays when I turned ten) or really goes out into public so planning something in an actual restaurant has been one of those “hellish Italian ordeal” type of things.  For example, last night my mother got an overwhelming sense of guilt that she was not cooking anything for graduation day and ended up making a practice pork roast…we then all ended up screaming about the practice/safety blanket pork roast...

I said I would pay for the party as a gift to my brother (this also means I get to keep the watch I bought for him originally…ehhhhh)

I really am sooooo amazed at my brother’s achievements…him and I are polar opposites while still being mirror images of each other. He was the “Sporty, Smart, Quiet, and Brilliant” one, and I was the “Conartist, Street Smart, and Quick Witted” one.  Ask around town and people still don’t know that there is actually two Torre boys...for years people thought we were the same person…

A few “normal” conversations when my brother and I are introduced to people:

Parents: Do you remember our sons Silvio and Matteo?

Parent’s Friend: WAIT, you have two sons?!?!

Or the ever classic,

Parents: This is our son Matteo…

Parent’s friend of about 10 years: Wait, who is Matteo?...I thought you had one son…

BUT THIS IS HIS WEEK (hooray)…and next week will be his week (hooray)…and probably the week after that (hooray)…but gotta love him…plus the coming days involve Costco cake!

Anyway, So while sitting through the graduation today I realized one of two things.

1)      I am going to go back to school and earn something important!!

2)      I want to give a awe inspiring speech to a group of teenagers or college kids at a graduation!

Two achievable goals that I am adding to the bucket list!

Alright, so the Torre Brothers have always had the woooorst graduation days ever. We have never had a beautiful day EVER for any of our graduations

So readers, I present to you the...::drum role::

Graduation Crap Day Score Card: 

>>>>Silvio’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Sunny during the morning which gave hope, then thunder stormed with heavy rain
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Thunder stormed with a Bolt Lightening warning
• High School Graduation- Rained all day…stopped for half the ceremony…then continued when everyone put their guard down
• College Graduation- TROPICAL STORM/ HURRICANE…lights went out knocking out the Air Conditioning…ceremony had to be moved into an abandoned basement…streets flooded…water everywhere
• Medical School Graduation- Rain Rain everywhere…

Total score: 0/5

>>>>Matteo’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Extreme Heat advisory, then it began to storm…so much lightning and thunder
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Extremely Hot and Extremely wet…it then became immensely dark and rained for 3 days
• High School Graduation- OMG this could be the best one yet, First it rained…and they began moving everyone from the outdoor ceremony into the indoor gym where they were not allowing the elderly due to EXTREME HEAT. Then it stopped raining and the ceremony was once again moved outdoors again…Then a bolt of lightning shorted out the sound system and no one knew what was going on and we had no mircophones…then as soon as they called my name to go up and get my diploma…IT BEGAN TO FUCKING RAIN AND HAIL!!! ALMOND SIZED HAIL! BOTH AT THE SAME TIME…IT RAINED and HAILED! IT “RAILED”!!
• College Graduation- Rain…Rain…Thunder…Lightening...Moist-ness

Total Score: 0/4

As you can see Mother Nature raised that bar high…however being that I am going back to school I have no high expectations for a any future Graduations.

Ok Last thing…Here are some Graduation Tips:

1)      No one looks good in the hat…

2)      Before Commencement and during the ceremony the tassley thing is worn on the right side of the hat, then flipped to the left…anyone that says otherwise is a Liar!

3)      It is perfectly acceptable to pretend to be a wizard…

4)      No one truly sees what is going on with your legs…the graduation gown is long…plan pants accordingly…ALSO it is like wearing a blanket…it will get hot…dress accordingly.

5)      Make friends with your neighbors. Having conversations and pointing out all the funny names you are bound to hear will make the experience more bearable.

6)      If you get your gown a day before or so…take pictures at home…make a mock set up…I kept losing my brother today in the sea of everyone wearing the same thing.

7)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of walking. And while that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding 10 seconds you are on stage.

8)      If you want to waste a good chunk of time, search for your family in the crowd. It’s like “Where’s Waldo”!

WELL BACK TO THE CELEBRATION!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!