POST NUMERO 14: "The Buzz By!"

So, 24 days left of school till summer break! I am crazy excited and the weather has already started to get hot during the mid afternoon. However, with all this damn rain it is like a sauna outside and regardless of how sick I have been lately, this humidity is not helping with sleeping.

So, last night I experienced what might have been and what might be one of the most horrific events in life…something I’d like to call…”The Buzz By”….dun dun dunnnnn….

What is the “The Buzz By”? Well, “The Buzz By” is when you lay down on your pillow for sleep…get all comfortable…start drifting off…and suddenly…WTF!!!, YOU HEAR A BUZZ PASS YOUR EAR!?!?!

To be more exact in the definition, it is when a Mosquito manages to get into your space and torture you by buzzing in your ear all night until you are forced to hunt it down like an angry freaking hippo. It is horrific! They make such a terrible high pitched noise and you know they are on a hunt for blood. This hunt could be taking place anywhere as you try and rationalize that maybe, “you imagined the noise” until it happens again!

GOSH…I shiver to even think of it…after I heard it…I quickly tossed aside my Snuggie and frantically searched myself and the room…I found it on my pillow…I am now scared for life!

This is what it was like:

I googled searched a bunch of terms in this post and was disgusted by the results...
so here is another puppy!

Here are only a few sensations that match the horror of “The Buzz By”:

1) The “Spider Web Walk In”: This one is common in the early spring into summer…when all the cute little silk worm bastards come out and leave silk strings hanging from everything and letting the unsuspecting public walk into them and then slap, flap, and flail to try and get them off. It is horrifying because the silk strings always manage to be completely invisible but produce an eerie hit in the face with an exploding octopus sensation.

2) The “Was that beauty mark there before I went into the woods effect?”: Simple…is it a tick…is it not a tick…did anyone or does anyone do the “Tick Check” when they come inside…I know I do!

3) The “I killed the bug…Shit, where did it go effect?!”: This one is great, you are confident you killed the bug…but when you look…it is gone. Sometimes the worst is when you think you killed it and it still runs or falls down and disappears into nowhere…except now it is seeking vengeance.

And one not having to do with Bugs

4) The “Banana Stare”: The “Banana Stare” is when you are trying to eat a banana in public without making eye contact with anyone. THEN SUDDENLY you end up making eye contact and it becomes…just…inappropriate…it is just freaking difficult to look away and act normal afterwards. In fact, readers, I challenge you…next time you eat a banana in public…make direct eye contact with someone and see how that goes over…I promise hilarity and awkwardness will ensue (maybe even a date, or a fist fight!)

ANYWAY, More blog posts to come…thank you for the private messages and love…Germany and Malaysia apparently do not love me anymore! Russia keep reading!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 12: Fever Sobbing

Ok, it may sound funny but within a span of about 4 hours during the night I came down with a hardcore flu. My body aches, my nose is stuffed, and I am sooo woozy...but...the true tell-tale sign that I am sick is that I cry at everything! My eyes just well up uncontrollably and half the time I don't even notice or know why...my mother keeps telling me "don't be sad" and I am not...but the fever has hit like a baseball to the face! STOP CRYING EYES!

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY KAYLA!!!!
ALL THE BEST!
MUCH LOVE!

This is what I would have looked like at the bar...feverish and  crying

This is all you are getting tonight readers...I am crying all over the keyboard...this is ridiculous

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 10: "Summerglasses" and "Falò time"!

Ok, so wishes do come true! A few posts ago I wrote how I was “dying” for a Bonfire…and in a very rare occurrence, my wish has come true!

So tonight I am going to a friend's Bonfire…but in honesty I think this is the last time I will use that word…Bonfire…I would rather call it what I know it as…
I enjoy the word for Bonfire so Much better in Italian, falò!

Bonfire = falò

Bonfire = falò

Falò = Bonfire

Commit it to memory

The weather is looking amazing today and there is a breeze…so what am I going to do on this fine Saturday…well firstly I am going to blog (I promised three!), then after that I need to finish spring cleaning (or start), and finally rock out!
Sigh, Saturdays are amazing…

Anyway, I ran out to go food shop (liquor shop)  earlier and saw a friend while walking into the store. I was wearing my normal cloths and I found she was looking at me with mild amusement. My first thought was “Shit, my fly must be down”…but it wasn’t…and my jeans are so ripped that even if my fly was down…it wouldn’t even matter because my crotch is everywhere anyway. So I did what any normal human being would do and asked:

Me: “What the hell are you looking at?!”

 To which she replied back…
Her: “Your sunglass…Why are you wearing sunglasses when it is not summer?”

Ok I realized two things about this social interaction 1) I remembered why I never kept in touch with this girl and 2) in honesty…I felt more awkwarded out by this then if my zipper had been down.

I am a huge fan of sunglasses! Huuuge fan…I wear them all the time...
I even admit that… at times… I may wear sunglasses at night…I know readers you all just gasped and muttered the word “douchebag” underneath your breath in a disappointed sigh…but In my defense I am European!

Ok, so I may have said the words “I am European” before in this blog but Italians always wear sunglasses or have a pair handy. It is just a thing I am incredibly used to…but anyway…

THE POINT OF SUNGLASSES IS TO WEAR THEM WHEN IT IS SUNNY!...If they were made just for summer…they would be called “summerglasses”…it is in the name SUNglasses…glasses made for sun

Other examples of this “in the name” effect:

-Sunray : a RAY of SUN

-Matchbox: a BOX for MATCHES

-Earring: a RING for an EAR

-HappyHour: an HOUR for VODKA

Examples that don’t really work in the “in a name” effect:

-Horseradish :Radishes made from Horse

-Shuttlecock: An…um…Rooster made from…buses

-Crackpot: A pot of crack

I refuse to squint when it is sunny or when I am driving…and the one thing I can not stand is driving with the visor down…I leave my sunglasses on when I am outside and run in them when I go for jogs around town. They are Sunglasses!...I just can’t live without them.

My main pair of sunglasses are my RayBan classic aviators…I wear them almost everyday…my friends know them well. They have been one of those objects I have kept for years(8 years give or take)  because I love them so much. They are classic me. They have withheld the test of time and when I wear them I feel…for lack of better words…BadAss (I am probably not badass what-so-ever). So RayBan if you are looking for a dedicated fan…and maybe a product tester…cough cough…Matteo is here for you!

Another blog post coming up
Falò here I come!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO TWO

So where did I get the name of my blog…

When I started thinking of the working title for my blog (and hopefully one day best selling novel) I started with my life motto, “I hate everyone including…you..you..and ESPECIALLY YOU!”. However, that title is a bit bleak. I mean picture it…you walk into your neighborhood bookstore, you see all the colorful titles and familiar names, and suddenly directly in front of you is my angry face glaring and judging you…

New York Times Best Seller...I think so....

So the original title needed a bit of sprucing up…less hate and more love, a certain catchiness…

This sent my mind into OVERDRIVE...my mental gears grinding…my extreme intellect pouring over tons of formulating ideas.
THEN SUDDENLY, It hit me….I gave up thinking and listened/ stole my Amiga Kathleen’s suggestion of naming it “Tales from the Bottom of a Shotglass”. It was brilliant on her part as it describes my fun effervescent personality, as well as the fact of how a lot of my fun times and stories come from casual encounters with alcohol.

OH! on a HUGE side note… A lot/all of the pictures, designs, and imagery on my blog are going to be created by my best friend, confidant, and only person whom I would ever invite over for cake during a family event, Kayla. She is an up and coming graphic designer/ artist / kickass visionary so I am going to basically use her talents to spread her awesomeness (and make everything look oober profesh/cool on this blog). You will hear a lot about her in upcoming posts as she is a huge part of my life. Plus she is awesome…and single…if any single eligible bachelors are reading this feel free to ask more about her! OW OW! (she created that lovely book cover of me in about a total of 3 minutes...amazing...)

She is so witty (an actual real-time conversation that just occurred):

hmmm....

- Matteo Torre 7:26pm: what is it that you want to be in life

so I actually phrase it correctly

- Kayla 7:27pm: Rich

(the correct answer would be “Art Director”)

Anyway, back to topic, so “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass” … I really like it and I drew inspiration from reading an article on day drinking at work (I may, or may not have been researching HOW TO successfully smuggle in alcohol to work). When I was reading through this article about “Office Drinking” I realized, WOW! I knew ALL this stuff already...not one part of the article was new or unknown to me. It was as if the author had snuck into my brain and been like…lets write down every obscure way he has gotten away with drinking in front of his EXTREMELY conservative parents for the past 8 years of his life.

Anyway, I was just thinking that it would be fun to put some of my thoughts out to the universe from time to time…and I bet it will be easier to tell which post may have some liquid courage behind them….I will Hash out more about the title in later posts…

CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!!

*those three people in Germany who read my first two posts: danke!