POST NUMERO 39: Cleaning out my Pages! Children's Books, That time in the Check out Line, and Hat Topics

Ok...So this isn't the longest amount of time I have been away...but still I apologize for the lagging nature of my posts...I hope I am not THAT big of a let down…but believe me…I am awesome either way! So, this post is not really a post but rather I am trying to clean up some of the pages in my book… Purge some of the pages, condense my random doodles, and delete some of my crap so that way I can start fresh and clean with no more half pages (I freaking hate HALF PAGES!).

To catch you up quickly…it has been a shit show around here…no great stories or details. No big life changing events. Just me being me. Here are the things you missed out on in the span I was gone:

1)      The cicadas arrived

2)      The cicadas left

3)      I finally enjoy Seltzer Water (vodka helped)

4)      My garden has grown into a Basil Wonderland

5)      I bought new jeans that I hope will not become crotchless anytime soon (huge accomplishment)

6)      I decided to give up my summer and work all year long (I hate this entirely)

7)      I was reunited with my best friend

8)      I made a new friend

9)      I learned the TRUE reason of why I DO NOT have “Heat Vision”

10)  I have watched the following films on repeat because they are constantly on HBO,

a.       The Dark Knight Rises

b.      Pitch Perfect

c.       All the Scream Movies (1 and 4 being my Favorite ones)

d.      The Lizzie McGuire Movie

WOW, my exciting life!!!

Anyway, biggest thing to take away currently is that I am working the summer session so I truly don’t get a break and I have been really pissed off about not getting to enjoy summer in the ways I normally do.

So as I said…here are some random posts I started but did not finish...clearing out my writing closet!

For example…I don’t remember when I wrote this or what gave me the idea…but here is a short list of:

Terrible Children’s Book Ideas

                              

-          Pushing and Shoving and 98 other Games to play on the Jungle Gym

-          The Milkman is your Daddy

-          John Jumped on the Bed with The Ceiling Fan On

-          Everything is a Toy…how to use your imagination to make the most fun out of knives, matches, and what is locked in the cabinet

-          Welcome to the Tea Party Mr. Dahmer

-          Lizzie Borden’s Tool Time

-          Bullies have all the Fun

-          Fire, Fire, Burn

-          Vegetables are Gross, Fruits are Grosser

-          Your Parents Love You…but not as much as they should

-          Rule Breakers Rule

-          Crime for Children

-          Mommy Loves You, by Satan Loves you More

-          Goodnight Moon, Goodbye Enemies

-          All Animals are Friendly

-          Sharing is for Losers

-          Racial Slurs A-Z

Another half finished Post... I don’t know what day this was…but I do remember the incident and where it happened.:

" Anyway, Story of the Day…

Sometimes I really can’t stand people. I KNOW I make commentary all the time and I try to censor myself…but some people are just sooooo stupid with the things they say.

Here is my example for the Day:

I am waiting in line at the store (guess what I was buying… the answer ryhmes with “falcahol”) and I allowed the woman who was in back of me to skip ahead of me while I located my wallet. She was struggling to get stuff out of her cart so I decided to help her out and aide her to lift her stuff out of the cart. She said nothing and stared at me.

I am not going to lie, I was expecting a “thank you” and was thinking that she was just building up the courage to tell me what a fine respectable young man I am…but you know what I got instead…

::drum roll::

“You look like this terrorist I saw on the news…”

Yes…you read that right…the woman I just helped…Likened my resemblance to a “terrorist”…

However, in her defense, it was not an accusation…She did it completely dead pan, with a great deal of disinterest. I was shocked!…

What she said is the equivalent of someone sneezing and instead of saying “bless you” saying, “WOW, you look like Jeffery Dahmer”  "

And Finally...another random half finished post...I think this one was written relatively recently:

"   So, Firstly…thank you everyone (including my coworkers) for the amazing feed back on my last post. I wrote it from the bottom of my teeny tiny little heart (I know I have one way deep down inside underneath all the anger). It was the only way I could think of where I could unleash some of my thoughts in a easy manner. I am kind of drained from last night!

Anyway, it is Sunday…it has been a LONG week and an EXTREMELY short weekend…Three birthdays, visiting family and friends, tons of work, and constantly studying for two REALLY important tests…I miss when Sundays meant Cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats) and Church…now, Sunday means me crying in the fetal position on top of a book and Church! Hooray!

I am going to pick a random topic out of my hat…

The first piece of paper I pulled out says the word “Cheese” and the second one says “Music”…haha this is why I never use the hat…

CHEESE:

I find it amazing how much cheese people eat when it is cubed or on a tray…people will literally eat a block of cheese without realizing and with little effort. For some reason the fact of how it is square and has a toothpick sticking out of it negates the fact of how every cube is a piece of a bigger brick of cheese…

I love cheese.

MUSIC:

I have not used my CD player in a long looooooooooong time. However, the other day I found some old CDs I had burned myself. I was overcome by curiosity and had to listen to what, “Matteo’s Summer 2005 Italia Beats” contained. Long Story Short, my taste in music in the year 2005 was banging!!! I was impressed that I could remember all the lyrics and I may or may not have Eiffel65 as my ring tone currently…yes, that is the same band that sung “I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die” (go ahead and YouTube it…you know you want to)        "

It feels good to clean out some of these pages...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO TWO

So where did I get the name of my blog…

When I started thinking of the working title for my blog (and hopefully one day best selling novel) I started with my life motto, “I hate everyone including…you..you..and ESPECIALLY YOU!”. However, that title is a bit bleak. I mean picture it…you walk into your neighborhood bookstore, you see all the colorful titles and familiar names, and suddenly directly in front of you is my angry face glaring and judging you…

New York Times Best Seller...I think so....

So the original title needed a bit of sprucing up…less hate and more love, a certain catchiness…

This sent my mind into OVERDRIVE...my mental gears grinding…my extreme intellect pouring over tons of formulating ideas.
THEN SUDDENLY, It hit me….I gave up thinking and listened/ stole my Amiga Kathleen’s suggestion of naming it “Tales from the Bottom of a Shotglass”. It was brilliant on her part as it describes my fun effervescent personality, as well as the fact of how a lot of my fun times and stories come from casual encounters with alcohol.

OH! on a HUGE side note… A lot/all of the pictures, designs, and imagery on my blog are going to be created by my best friend, confidant, and only person whom I would ever invite over for cake during a family event, Kayla. She is an up and coming graphic designer/ artist / kickass visionary so I am going to basically use her talents to spread her awesomeness (and make everything look oober profesh/cool on this blog). You will hear a lot about her in upcoming posts as she is a huge part of my life. Plus she is awesome…and single…if any single eligible bachelors are reading this feel free to ask more about her! OW OW! (she created that lovely book cover of me in about a total of 3 minutes...amazing...)

She is so witty (an actual real-time conversation that just occurred):

hmmm....

- Matteo Torre 7:26pm: what is it that you want to be in life

so I actually phrase it correctly

- Kayla 7:27pm: Rich

(the correct answer would be “Art Director”)

Anyway, back to topic, so “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass” … I really like it and I drew inspiration from reading an article on day drinking at work (I may, or may not have been researching HOW TO successfully smuggle in alcohol to work). When I was reading through this article about “Office Drinking” I realized, WOW! I knew ALL this stuff already...not one part of the article was new or unknown to me. It was as if the author had snuck into my brain and been like…lets write down every obscure way he has gotten away with drinking in front of his EXTREMELY conservative parents for the past 8 years of his life.

Anyway, I was just thinking that it would be fun to put some of my thoughts out to the universe from time to time…and I bet it will be easier to tell which post may have some liquid courage behind them….I will Hash out more about the title in later posts…

CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!!

*those three people in Germany who read my first two posts: danke!