POST 1
So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call
it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on
paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at
the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that
great of a writer. Most my writing
sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book
report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and
“haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are
real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically
everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It
started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me;
this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky
MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into
my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons
(most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness). What I present however is what I feel is an
accurate description of the world according to my eyes.
I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well
who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or
blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a
celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from
fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term
that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are
many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....
Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this
seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes
me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines,
I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....
∙Ok, So who am I?
The classroom/
dating site description:
Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I
like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I
have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always
mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted
a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One
day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I
grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple
chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous
with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody,
red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth
and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because
that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall
because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My
least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love
television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and
reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of
music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery
genre. I love running on the beach.
^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt
The resume description:
Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to
follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban
setting. Furthermore, I wish to become
an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.
^so professional it should make you want to hire me right
away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...
The real
description:
Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike
everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I
can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or
the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they
are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love
animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I
am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to
close. I curse A LOT! I really dislike
everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either
bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am
a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed
con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed
“edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being
normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew
propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will
reread them to the day I die. I judge
everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a
knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people
pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as
mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have
as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the
bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving.
Don’t challenge me on shit.
^haha wow I am a complete jackass
The check list
version of me:
- Name: Matteo Torre
- Age:
- I am Italian
- I am epileptic
- I hate everyone
- I am terrible with names
- I can’t stand politics
- I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
- I am flexible (bendy)
- Liberal crap pisses me off
- I love to teach
- I love kids
- I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
- I may have anger issues
- I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
- Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
- ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!
So after reading the following you should have a better
understanding of who I am, right?
Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or
others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some
may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in
dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t
really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of
this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go
into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy
music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an
inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the
crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my
shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still
turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.
To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!
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