POST NUMERO 26: August is crap, Creamsicles, and Going Crazy

Alright, time to follow the traditions of  "TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS" and usher in a new month...so...let me clear my throat...
AUGUST IS HERE!!! HOORAY!!!!
and by "HOORAY!!!!" I really mean..."THIS MONTH IS CRAP!!!!"

Well, with the way my summer has been going I don't even know how I have made it to this month! In years past, I have always still been away on vacation for the entire month of August. Just a handful of times I have been in the states or at home and all the other summers I have always either been in Italy or Florida or any place but home. So for me this summer is extremely different...

Do not get me wrong, I like being home...I, on occasion, get to see my friends  and have some wild times, I get work done that I normally can't do else where, I am having loads of "family time", and I am even finding ways to further my career. HOWEVER, screw all that because I love being away for August!

With out going away I have realized that August is a useless transition month and I REALLY can't handle it. Turn on the TV and you will see all the "Back to School" commercials and the "Upcoming Fall Television Line Ups" being advertised. Flip through the TV stations and you will literally witness new programs and commercials that ALREADY usher in the upcoming holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas)! August is that month that just wants to pummel you with the fact of how summer is over.

In terms of weather...where I live Mother Nature has given August full permission to be extremely hot, extremely muggy, and extremely capable of causing tropical depressions/ hurricanes.

But maybe I am just biased in my thinking as this summer did not pan out exactly the way I had hoped...

The best feeling in the world (at least for me) was coming back from the extreme heat of Italy and being welcomed into the extremely green and awaiting Fall season...I do not have that this summer so something feels incomplete....

I however would be OK with it if I had done some sort of world wide adventure this summer...but I did not...I barely even left my house for most the summer as I was WAY to busy tending to family and personal matters...
Some of you might be thinking..."SO WHAT?! I stay at home all the time..." but this is incredibly different and serious to me...and this is why:
Staying home is an unknown situation for me...and I may (will) sound spoiled but I have NEVER spent a summer at home...
I think I may have mentioned before that I have spent every summer of my life away in another place. I was gifted with a house in Italy and I loved it and went there every summer with my family. Then life got busier, and since I was a senior in High School it became increasingly difficult to pick up everything and go away as I started finding more and more obligations to keep me tethered to home.
So this sitting around is driving me mad...sitting around however means getting stuff done but all this tending to crap is driving me CRAZY...I literally feel a clock ticking down in my mind as September approaches and I have to restart work...I have done nothing worth while and I feel the time slowly and terribly passing...
So how do I remedy this....well, I do not know... I literally am looking at the level of craziness I am at (If you want a good gauge...the post before this one is all about making friends out of rubber gloves...I am at THAT level of crazy)

So what can we do in August...
Well...
August is National Catfish and Golf Month...
um...what else...OH, August is "Romance Awareness Month"...which helps me NOTHING because I am NEVER aware of romance (remember...I have as much "game" as a rained out baseball tournament")
It is Family Fun Month and National Picnic month...which I guess could be a fun combination!

08/14 is National Creamsicle Day
which some might take to mean this...

But I will take it to mean...

but without this month...we would not have the Olympics...and THE OLYMPICS ARE AWESOME!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!
more posts coming soon!

POST NUMERO 23: I am back, and the weekend getaways

OK, so I know it has been a long ass time since I have penned ANYTHING! The angry emails I have received saying, “WRITE SOMETHING DAMN IT!” have not been ignored or forgotten…but let me break it down…

Ok, excuse time, here are some of the reasons I have not be writing:

1)      I am a lazy ass

2)      I have been waaaay busy taking care of some personal business (nothing serious….just business)

3)      My computer has become “the family computer”.  My brother’s computer took a tumble and got the blue screen of death….so my computer has become EVERYONE’s computer…which is terrible because I had to um…family proof and double save some personal files…”files”

4)      My family is trying this new…once a week ”family outing/ bonding” thing…love my family…but I want to barrel role out of the car on these days

5)      I have been taking some personal fun time here and there

6)      I am a LAZY ass

7)      IT IS SUMMER!

8)      HEAT WAVE!!!!

9)      SOCCER!!!!

10)  Inspiration has not been hitting lately…and I am a Lazy Ass

11)   And finally….I am very much a Lazy Ass!

But yeah, don’t worry readers…I am still here and alive and will be back to writing more soon….but right now…let me catch you up with my life…

Firstly:

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

YES, that is right…the perks of being a teacher have hit and I am on break for the summer (break being a loose term being that I am still working when I can).  School ended around the 19^th and I have just been enjoying the lifestyle (which is another reason why I am not writing as much).  It is terrific. However, I don’t know yet what I am doing this summer…Am I fleeing back to the home country (Italy)?  Am I heading down to God’s waiting room (Florida)?   Am I going to stay in my room like a shut in/ hermit and cry myself to sleep (OF COURSE)?

In honesty…and with great irony…I finally am enjoying the educators lifestyle and son-of-a-bitch this is the first summer I have no plans!

Anyway…the weather has been hot and there is currently a heat wave hitting the country! Which makes me just lay around underneath the fan and hit up local places to use the free Air Conditioning (oh yeah...and drink). My family (mostly my father) would rather have heat stroke and live in uncomfortable volcano like conditions then turn on the air conditioning. However I enjoy the heat…my biggest issue is just the constant clothing changes as I am…and it hurts me to admit this…a sweaty mess at times.

Anyway…Continuing on…

So happy times are ahead and behind me…I have been meaning to write about my vacation weekend away for a while now so here it goes…About two weeks ago I was invited down the shore by some amazing friends…the best I know…the cream of the crop…just really awesome people. So how do I preface this story…hmmmm…I am never one to live on the edge…EVER…I am a very boring person with a large mouth, anger issues, and evil tendencies. I think I wrote about my idea of living on the edge in an earlier post (drinking beer and diving into an un-shocked pool)…but these friends bring out the adventure and fun in me. So, I packed my weekend bag and off I went…

            So here are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of that weekend…

-          Cheap Vodka Burns so Well:  Ok So I am not the CLASSIEST and PICKIEST of drinkers. I go in with an idea…and the idea usually consists of seven dollar vodka…it is perfect…especially if the seven dollar vodka tastes like oranges…and I loooooove oranges…So if Burnetts Vodka and Gin is reading this…I am a huge fan…feel free to contact me perhaps for a spokesperson gig…or advertising…or ya know, taste testing. Seriously though, I can not really have picky expensive tastes being that my drinking style is comprised of, “Add enough vodka to sooth your wounds.”
-“Naked, and Arrested”:  Alright so…I repeat these friends are amazing…and when we drink we tend to walk the line of legal and illegal…but we basically always stick on the legal side and have tons of fun. It was around midnight…12:20....and as a group we decided to cross something off all our bucket lists and get a little naked…and skinny dip!  Now, it may sound surprising to some of my readers but, this was not my first time delving into the “nude swim concept”. The difference from other times however is how this time was the first time I have ever ran through the streets in a towel singing loudly, “NAKED AND ARRESTED!!! NAKED AND ARRRREEEESTED!!!”.  Now I have a general theory that the more nudity there is the happier people are so it was very much a worth while experience. Plus readers, don’t think we stayed in the water long and just lounged around with our junk out…it literally went as such…TOWELS OFF!! SPRINT!!! SPLASH!! FREEZE!!! RUN BACK!!! TOWELS!!!! Think of it as a war scene from any cheesy war flick. With everyone running full speed towards the destination…instead of people being shot and falling to the ground everyone was face planting, tripping, and falling do to slight intoxication…

-          “Sing to Me”: Sometimes the best thing to say is just “Sing to Me!” and see who actually goes along with it

-           “Dig a Hole”: On the beach sometimes you just get an urge to dig a large hole. To just plunge your hands into the searing hot sand and go crazy and just dig a huge hole. Then when you can not go any further with your hand you begin using a Frisbee which works surprisingly well. Then after digging the hole you may get the extreme urge to lay down in side the hole…and then you may have the extreme urge to have someone bury you up to your neck inside the hole and take possible Facebook profile pictures. This will however cause extreme sunburn and sand in places sand should never be.

-          Sexual Innuendos using the word “Hole”: Even reading the above some of you can probably realize that while digging…everything sounded a little naughty…

-          Margaritas and Beer combined!!!... so basically Anheuser-Busch came out with Bud Light Lime-a-Rita…which are delicious and have a very high alcohol content in a convenient tiny packaging…however they are sneaky little bastards as the effects of two may have caused a wonderful nap on the beach to turn into a very bad sunburn.

-          Bunk Beds: Ok so bunk beds and I have never gotten along...especially if I am on the top bunk and sloshed. So during the night I had such terrible thirst that I tried to signal down to my friend on the bottom bunk by loudly mouthing words, making a hand motion for water, and flailing/waving…to which she looked and then fell back asleep…needless to say I never received any water and in the morning I was accused of being a creep.

-          Losing and Laughing: So I went minigolfing for the first time ever!!! I was awful…womp womp womp…but I don’t think I could have laughed any more. Especially when a group of old men behind us were cracking “foreskin jokes”.

-          Realizing how some people did grow up underneath a rock: I think it finally clicked for my friends…I am a somewhat deprived Italian kid!

Well anyway…I would just like to reiterate the “skinny dipping” thing only because while writing this I can’t believe I actually went through with it…but ehhhhhh you only live once. Anyway, what words of wisdom can I give today…

            OH I know!…if you are hot…take off your clothes….

Thanks so much readers for sticking with the huge lapse of time!....more stories of summer coming soon!!! More life lessons!!! More of me NOT being a lazy ass!! And certaintly…some more stories of the dreaded but amazing “Sloppopotamus”!!!

Anyway,

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!