So, have a confession to make that not many people know
about me…
I really dislike when
children sing…
So why am I finally admitting this…because I just watched an
ENTIRE show dedicated to finding the toddler version of Beyonce…it was the type
of show where children are belting out high notes and butchering the world’s
most famous songs all while looking like they are being held hostage by their
parents. This was the kind of show where parents say stuff like, “Little Susie was born to sing…she was
actually a singing fetus…instead of crying when my wife gave birth, Little
Susie came out singing Celine Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On” (these are
somewhat realistic quotes from the show…)
Needless to say if I took a shot every time there was a “tone
deaf moment” I would pretty much look like this right now…
 |
| I would be so Drunk that I can't even express how drunk I'd be in photo...hence censored... |
I just really hate
when children sing!
--Ok, I just reread the amount of times I used the word
“hate” next to the word “children”…and before the world rises up and calls me a
terrible person (or MORE of a terrible person) I think I need to rephrase and
give some reasoning behind my words… --
Firstly, PLEASE NOTE that I’m not saying that I hate
the actual kids who are singing. I love kids, and I teach them daily. I
think kids are great and cute at times…I truly think kids are absolutely
amazing and my job would be nothing and hollow with out them…
So let me break it down…I love kids…I just hate when the kids
sing. I love the noun…hate the verb…I don’t hate the player…I hate the game…GET
IT?!
For example…It doesn’t matter if the kid singing is an
amazing angelic child, or a demon child but either way…if he/she is singing a
song… instant dislike.
I think I have this crazy quirk for a few reasons…
1) If the kid is terrible…it is terrible…and there is
NOTHING we can do about it. For example, NO ONE is cruel enough to go up to a
parent after the school recital and be like…”Listen, your son is tone deaf, has
little talent, and totally ruined every part of that song” nope…because if
someone did that…this would happen:
 |
| All because of honesty... You can literally hear the one guy screaming, "TAKE IT BACK!!" |
…instead we are subject to singing children and have to
smile and nod in order to be part of society.
2) If the kid is good at singing, somehow it’s even worse.
First of all, I find it flat out annoying watching some 6 year old go all
Christina Aguilera or Celine Dion with the vocal dramatics. If they are good,
so be it …but most the time little kids sound like cats in heat… Secondly, for
some reason I get incredibly awkward out to realize that small children are way
more talented then I’ll ever be (but that is a post for another night)
3) I repeat…most kids sound like a bag of cats in heat…or
rather…a bag of congested cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in
heat mixed with a screeching car horn… It is just hard to listen to…
4) Usually the kids are singing in a show or recital…and shows
in preschool and early elementary school years are always put on exclusively
for the parents—at the kids’ expense. I can not help but wonder why when I was
a young curly haired Matteo I let someone dress me up in a fish costume, and
physically prompt me to sing and do hand motions. I realized I most have looked
like a puppet, and an unhappy one at that…I remember the song also…
Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day And seen the little
fishes swimming in the bay With their hands in their pockets and their pockets
in their pants Doing the hoochy koochy dance
Damn it…if little me had the same attitude as grown up me…SHIT
WOULD HAVE WENT DOWN!!!! Firstly, the
fuck is that song… Secondly, fish do not have pockets or pants,…and Lastly,
Hoochy Koochy sounds like a potential way of getting an STD…
5) A prime example of Children Singing…KidzBop…KidzBop is
the ruination of music and perhaps one of the harsher punishments in hell… for
those who don’t know the horror that is “KidzBop” …KidzBop is a series of CD’s
packed with Billboard’s most overplayed songs…the catch is…each song is sung by
children with high-pitched voices, whom are either on some sort of pep pills,
or on a bootlegged version of Ritalin. KidzBop is censored to an extreme amount
changing lyrics in order to make it “children friendly” and adds in the sounds
of children laughing, and having fun to make it more pleasant and appealing for
listeners… it is the soccer mom’s go to attempt to make most of today’s music
suitable for sing alongs, and young children. The censorship leads to the
butchering of good songs or crap songs alike. KidzBop is a huge reason why I
hate when children sing! The commercials alone put me into a crazy rage…
 |
| The one kid is dressed like Freddy Kruger... |
6) It is always the same damn songs…kids sing the same song
over and over again…
- Here
Comes the Sun
- The
National Anthem (this one I hate most of all when sung by children)
- Yankee
Doodle (I have a traumatic story about Yankee Doodle…one day I’ll write
about it)
- The Itsy
Bitsy spider
- Stop in
the Name of Love (don’t mock it…I’ve sung it)
- When you
Need a Friend
I would maybe enjoy it a little bit more if we got some
hardcore rap up in the recital…or some thrift shop…something other then “this
land is your land”…something uncensored where the parent’s want to smile but
can’t because they would look like terrible parents.
7) Hilariously enough, kids at young ages don’t sing…they
shout…the whole point is to shout louder then the person next to you…try it, it
is fun to do in public!
8) It is an exploitation of cuteness…
Anyway, I am
tired and don’t know why I ranted about this for so long…kind of lost my mind a
little…
Anyway, More
Posts Coming Soon
Keep Emailing
me your suggestions…
READ, SHARE,
and ENJOY
CHEERS, SALUTE,
CHIN CHIN!
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