POST NUMERO 32.5: Quick, Simple, and WHO IS THAT?!

Hey everyone...so I rarely pay attention to some of the advertisements on my page...most if not all are about "Substance Addiction and Rehabilitation Centers" or meeting "Christian Singles". Which I guess is Blogger's way of telling me I might have issues that I should look into at some point...cough cough...However, when currently checking what ads pop up...I found this one nestled in between two posts...

WHO THE HELL IS THIS!?

WHY IS HE WINKING!?

WHY ARE HIS SHIRTS ONLY SIX DOLLARS!?

WHY AM I HYPNOTIZED BY HIS CHARM!?

WHY ARE HIM AND I NOT FRIENDS!?

I really think this is a winning advertisement...so I ask you blogger...keep this man on my page (hidden though) and readers if you want to go a cool site with AWESOME tshirt deals head on over to http://www.6dollarshirts.com...if anything you gotta check it out because of the Friendly "come hither" wink he is giving...

So "6dollarshirt man" I don't know what to think of you but I am intrigued..

POST NUMERO 32: November, and a 1/2 Assed Calendar

NOVEMBER!
NOVEMBER!
NOOOOOOOVEEEEMBER!!!!!!!!

Yes, Folks…it is the amazing and wonderful November!

I can’t even believe that it came so fast (and that it is almost over)…I still feel that it could be October (being 2 weeks with zero power really moved the month along…). Anyway, I am in disbelief with how quickly this month is passing…and I STILL HAVE NOT PUT UP NOVEMBER’s “MONTH POST”! (What a Jack Ass I am!)

So here it is readers:

The Thanksgiving season is upon us and just a few days from now, most US citizens will enjoy the sit down, knock out, family fun, worst travel day, eat till you burst, parade filled, first REAL day of the holiday season, and most awesome holiday of the year (somewhat sarcastic)!

People will travel to the middle of no where (once again on the worst travel day of the year), to see family they'd rather not spend an afternoon with (or in my case…3 minutes with) and make amazing mental reasons why it is ok to have 18 pieces of meat today as opposed to what a normal serving size is any other day of the year. It is the day where people eat far more than they should of some of the BEST food they've ever tasted on what is a uniquely American holiday (so to my worldly readers…to bad. so sad, Google and try out Thanksgiving…you will NOT be dissapointed)

So what to do in November and why is it SO grand:

1) Well, unfourtanelty the days are shorter (womp womp)…BUT if you do most your drinking when the sun goes down then GUESS WHAT…YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF DARKNESS!...yeaaah plus side! So drink up everyone!

2) November is also great because it makes you realize that you made it through MOST of the year. November is the home stretch…It is a refreshing month…It is the final month to say goodbye to the year and being that December is more of a “Holiday/Festivities” month (I.M.H.O) then I recommend to you readers that you use November as your reflection month (right now I am reflecting on the fact of how I could really use a drink…and a scoop of peanut butter…)

3) The ELECTION is over…SCORE ONE FOR THAT FACT ALONE!...I don’t give a rat’s ass who won (I actually do…but I don’t talk about politics)…not because I am disinterested but because I find it a terrible topic…THE ELECTION IS OVER AND I AM EXCITED because it means no more friends (like I have any) pushing their political rants and bull crap on me when I don’t care. The countless amounts of CRAP Facebook posts I saw in the past few month have been staggering and the methods used to pour them upon people were obnoxious. It came to the point where I would log on and pray that someone uploaded a picture of their ugly kid, or an Instagram photo of a sandwich. BUT FINALLY it is over…(bring back slutty girls who post about wanting a “gentleman” but have their Facebook profile picture set to a picture of them getting motorboated by a stranger on Halloween)

4) Oh speaking of Halloween…November 1^st means you survived Halloween which means you made it through those bad decisions that could have happened.

5) November is a month where it is acceptable for men NOT TO SHAVE…yes everyone…if your guy friend is growing out his stache and starting to look like as axe murderer, biker dude, or someone who might be a frequent entry on a sex offenders list…DON’T WORRY and DON’T JUDGE because it is “NO-SHAVE-NOVEMBER” also known as “Movember” (I can’t participate because I begin looking like a public threat to society after two days)

5) THE FOOD…ALL THE FREAKING GLORIOUS FOOD!!!!

6) Christmas Music Begins to play on the radio and new big budget movies start debuting.

7) THE FOOD!!!

8) It is the fruit pie month…so many fruit pies…Pumpkin Pie…BRING IT ON!

Anyway so what is November known for?

Well November has a lot to offer and is known for many things …however for now I am going to put two things that are near and dear to my heart:

November is “Peanut Butter Lovers Month”…I can’t even handle the epicness of any month that celebrates the awesomeness that is peanut butter…the legume that warms my heart and fills my stomach…as I am writing this I am currently eating a spoonful of Peanut Butter just because knowing it was peanut butter month made my mouth water! Yum!

This may or may not be my Dinner....

November is National Epilepsy Month and if you know me you will know why this is huge to me. So lets raise some awareness and do some research people. Everyone is coming down from the hype of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month but those effected with Epilepsy need some help and support also. It is a terrible thing to have and it flat out sucks. So do you research and figure out how to help! (I will probably post more on this in another post…but until then…I repeat keep it in your mind and support the cause).

Notable Days:

1 All Saint's Day

2 All Soul's Day

3 Sandwich Day

8 Cook Something Bold Day

11 Veteran's Day

17 Homemade Bread Day

17 National Adoption Day

17 World Peace Day

20 Universal Children's Day

21 False Confession Day

22 Thanksgiving - Eat, drink, and be thankful.

23 Black Friday

Here is the Half-Assed Calendar

The Turkey was added to draw attention from the failure...I just couldn't make it work

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31.2: Whoops, Black Out advice

WOW! I forgot a huge thing from my last crappy post!

I forgot to add one more AMAZING way of surviving a black out...in fact this might be one of the most positive and beneficial survival tips:

RED WINE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED

Yes, that is right...when bad weather hits...and everything in the refrigerator starts to head south...just remember that most liquor never really goes bad...and most does not require refrigeration!
So next time bad weather is on its way...stock up!

It's a good thing...

Blacking out does have numerous meanings after all!

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31: The Black Out

HEY READERS…did you miss me?…yeeeeaaaaah you did!

So I live on the east coast of the USA…in one of the many regions effected by that bitch Sandy (Hurricane Sandy…for those who might think Sandy is a person). Luckily, after the storm our house looks virtually untouched, our land is a 6 out of 10 on the destruction meter, and we are immensely lucky compared to what could have happened. The biggest bitch however was the fact of how we lost power and how EVERYTHING FREAKING RUNS ON ELECTRICITY…

Now, for those who might not know this fact or whom might have just woken up from a coma that has lasted many years every modern doohickey, light, or electronic device is useless without power! So after a grand total of 13 days without power (even currently the damn lights are still flickering) it has been restored…

Why am I telling you this, well, FOR ONCE my laziness is not the reason for my lack of posts…this time it was pure natural disaster…

Yep, Hurricane Sandy hit my area REAL bad and my prayers and positive thoughts go out to those affected by the storm…

SO, being that I have spent the past 13 days in the freezing ass dark I mentally jotted down some ways to Survive a Black Out in the most sarcastic way possible:

Ok firstly: Prepare your house BEFORE hand…duh…being prepared is half the battle…make sure you are stocked up on plenty of NON-perishable food and other stuff. Have bottled water ready and other stuff to make sure you don’t starve or dehydrate. Going out during or after a storm means absolute chaos…people turn into animals and will do anything to claim a battery, a jug or water, or that generator (I know first hand...I am one of those animals...just ask my neighborhood Home Depot...in my defense though...no one should ever mess with me at Home Depot)

Secondly: Get your flashlights, and candles out BEFORE it gets dark…Listen, this is huge because my family NEVER EVER DOES THIS (I always do…they just never have gotten the memo). Some people have great night vision…I am not one of those people. I am blind at night! So if you pride yourself on being one of "those people" who can see in the dark and have "amazing night vision"...I will show you a perfect combination indifference and "STFU" until you prove it by turning off the lights, taking off you shoes, and navigating a tile floor filled with scattered Lego bricks.

Let me see your "Great Night Vision Now"!

Thirdly: Don’t fucking rearrange your house before the storm. YOU WON’T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED…So long story short…we have a bunch of fucking Palm Trees…yes that is right…Palm Trees. Upon hearing that the temperature was going to drop my Father began the ritual of bringing all the outdoor plants indoors… BAD FREAKING IDEA NUMBER 1…my Mother then rearranged the plants neatly around the house (In front of windows…next to doors…directly in the way of EVERYTHING). Of course with the presence of the beloved palms…furniture was moved… The amount of freaking times I got poked by a sharp palm tree frond or tripped over a newly placed piece of furniture…let me put it this way…one of the palm trees was angrily thrown out of a second floor window by the second day of darkness.

I don’t know…just be prepared

I am slightly off guard currently being that Halloween was cancelled and It is already November...

BTW…a man can only play Monopoly so many freaking times…

Anyway…

It is November….wow…I have missed two weeks out of my life that I will never get back...Anyway, keep those effected by Hurricane Sandy in your mind, hearts, and prayers.

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 30.32: Excuse Me for My Length and Jeeze I am Craving...

DAMN!, JUST REALIZED HOW FREAKING LONG MY POSTS ARE GETTING (again...)…sorry…I will try and work on my length (something about this sounds dirty)…

Anyway…I lied…I said I would continue writing about “Halloween Sluttery” but I have not the mind to do it…today…DAMN!, my laziness…is overtaking me…

Oh, random,  I am trying to memorize the lyrics to a Song that has been stuck in my mind for MONTHS!...so if anyone has any tips…I would love to hear them…because listening to it on repeat and looking at the lyrics has helped me NOTHING! (If I am going to sing it...I might as well sing it correctly)

Anyway...

As I said…I will work on my length (tehee)…I will work on it realreal hard…


In true Matteo Fashion...I guess I will end this post with something random…hmmm…OH I KNOW, I AM REALLY CRAVING A KINDER SORPRESA!!!

I can't even contain myself from the awesomeness...these were my Crack growing up...

OH, one last thing (I promise)..some of you readers are finally using the Rate tool at the Bottom of every post...I would love to see some more clicks if possible...I get a lot of emails (keep them coming) but the "rate gadget" gives me a general knowledge of audience reaction in a more timely manner. for those that don't know what I am talking about...it looks like this...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 29: Halloween Mashups and Some fun with Michael Myers-Buble

Hello Readers!

So, someone shot me a compliment on the photo I made in my last post…it may not be "Kayla worthy" (she brings shit to a whole new level of awesome...) but at least I am learning the basics of Photoshop…Anyway I thought my photo was funny, so I decided to make a few more examples…

Anyway…Here are some more of my Halloween themed Techno Mashups…I mentioned them quickly in my last post “How to Survive Watching Scary Movies”…So, I thought I would be clever and make a few more examples of artistic genius…

If you are confused about WHAT a "Halloween Themed Mashup" is…here is the part from the “Surviving” post…

“ Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step. “

EVERYBODY SCREAM!!!...Ehhhh Sexy Lady...

Ha....Lady Gaga mashed with Some Voorhees....Lady Voorhees

Eat me baby one more time...

"Moves Like...Jigsaw...."

What WHHHHHAAAAT!....Only needed to Photoshop one of these people...yet both are scary as fuck...

Michael Myers Bublé 

Anyway...I think I am awesome...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28.51: Halloween Pick Up Line?

Bucket List Item Number 51: 

51: Use the Below Joke as a Halloween themed pick up line:

....get it....how corny and attractive....

if you don't get it...highlight everything up to the period "Bambi + Ghostly Noise = Bamboo" .

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28: Tips for WATCHING Scary Movies

Alright, So…It is October and I have been indulging in a guilty pleasure that I did not even know I had…watching horror movies…

Alright, That is my first Lie of this post…I LOVE horror movies…I find them stupid…I find them awesome, I find them entertaining, I find them ridiculous…I just really enjoy them…

I mean if it says anything about me…my two current favorite Television shows that I never miss are The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story…which both have a horror thing going for them…OR maybe I am just a freak…

Anyway…

I just really enjoy them…however, I have come to the realization that they are an acquired taste…Some people can not even manage to make it through the first five minutes of any film or anything traditionally “scary”…

Now I will also admit…sometimes the genre gets TOO INTENSE even for me…I will closes my eyes or plug my ears but mostly I try and make it through…My method revolves around turning a negative into a positive (HA!, because I am SUCH a positive person) I find a way to make what I am watching HILARIOUS (rather then bloody, hellish, and scary as fuck).

Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step.

everybody...SCREAM!

2)      Have lots of snacks…Eat your Fear…Also, limit your caffeine intake prior to watching a horror movie. You don’t want to be all jittery and hyped up while watching a scary movie it will heighten the jumpiness induced by the scary scenes… PLUS put a top on what you're drinking when you watch a horror movie. This will prevent you from spilling your drink and embarrassing yourself if you jump during a scary scene. Your lap, your friend’s lap, and everyone around you probably would not appreciate being covered in soda, water, or other drink (in my case, vodka).

3)      Make it a drinking game…so many possibilities…things are less scary when you are drunk…or at least when I am drunk…HA! In fact…make it “drink easy”, examples: drink every time someone screams, anytime there happens to be a random violin noise, and anytime someone uses a word with a vowel.

4)      If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black magic and practices, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion...well then, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING HORROR MOVIES ANYWAY!!…go to the fucking water park or something…or if you still have a hankering for watching a scary movie go over a friend’s house (if you have friends…you might just be the town pariah)!

5)      Pay attention to the moments you can relax…use them to your advantage…More then likely in scary movies crap does not go down during the day…it just doesn't when there is sun there is safety (or more safety)…Also if people are talking or giving key plot details nothing is going to be popping out…use these moments to make sure you are prepared for the next scare (I.E...make yourself more comfortable)…AND REMEMBER, SHIT HITS THE FAN AT THE END OF SCARY MOVIES so be prepared for the shock.

6)      We all have THAT friend who screams bloody murder, grabs, and flails when they get scared (you know who you are). Those people make other people scared thanks to their inability to not scream and act like a spastic mess. Stay far away from them. They're scarier than the movie. Put them in a corner with other screamers. It helps. It really does…

7)      Have the remote handy…for the fast forward option…I don’t like missing or stopping the film because that prolongs what could be a torturous bloody scare-a-thon…but fast forwarding shows what needs to be shown and also adds in a hilarious slapstick quality to it all.

8)      Find Hilarity in ALL…we all know the “Scary Movie Rules” and “Scary Movie Clichés”… Some of these movies are based completely on sheer stupidity and ridiculousness…so what may seem IMMENSELY scary can (when looked at in a different way) can be actually hilarious.

9)      Know that you are watching a damn scary movie…it is NOT supposed to be calm and relaxing…it is supposed to make you uneasy and have an adrenaline rush, so know that you are going to get scared… being prepared helps you NOT get caught off guard. I mean you wouldn't expect Jason to pop up behind someone holding a fluffy rabbit and the cutest damn puppy ever?

10)  Safety in numbers…watch with friends…it helps…and when you are all together feel free to chant, “it is only a movie, it is only a movie, it is only a movie…”

Anyway, I hope everyone is getting their freak on and HAPPY WEEKEND!  Use these rules the next time you pop on a scary movie…or maybe Bambi (this is a joke from a movie…I don’t remember which movie…but feel free to tell me which in an email).

Fall is progressing nicely and expect a few more posts coming up soon! I promise I am already working on a few posts for the upcoming week...HOPE everyone is finalizing their Halloween Plans

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 27: Post Numero 1...again!!!

HELLO READERS, I decided to Repost my first post ever!...I am getting more subscribers everyday so I might as well give a refresher on who I am...So WOAH, mind trip...flash back...here is my first post from a while...

OH and expect another post soon...and if you have already read this post (which I bet you all have because when stumbling across a random ass blog on the internet I KNOW everyone automatically goes to the first post every made)...reread it and bask in my awesomeness...

POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....

SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....

∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt

The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:

• Name: Matteo Torre
• Age:
• I am Italian
• I am epileptic
• I hate everyone
• I am terrible with names
• I can’t stand politics
• I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
• I am flexible (bendy)
• Liberal crap pisses me off
• I love to teach
• I love kids
• I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
• I may have anger issues
• I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
• Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
• ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!

So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?

Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!



ANYWAY, this was from months ago...
HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon...I promise....

POST NUMERO 26.5: Bucket List Items, and An Explanation

Bucket List Items Number 38, 43, and 44

38: Find the Perfect Volume for my Head phones so no one can hear it but it is still comfortably blasting in my ears.

43: Get into a debate with someone about which is sadder, The Abused Animal Commercials V.S. The Starving Children Commercials

44: Figure out how to eat a Granola Bar with zero crumbs falling and zero mess!

This is what I find in my lap after I eat a Nature Valley Granola Bar....ugh!

As you can see my Autumn bucket list is growing! I hope that if you made one (as per my blog post genius) that you are making progress and adding fun things everyday!

Oh and very quickly…a few posts ago I wrote about how I was trying to type Blogger posts from my IPod while at work…a lot of people emailed asking “Why do I have words next to words?” and "Why, was it all different?" Well it is because when I got home I went and reread the post using my computer and realized that auto correct had gotten its groove on with my wonderful writing. So instead of changing what I actually wrote (being that it was a very organic, half-assed, and quick trial post) I just left what I MEANT to write in parenthesis next to the auto corrected wording…anyway…whatever it was a trial…

Loving the angry Feedback! (Wouldn’t kill some of you to send a compliment…just saying)

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 26: "The Weekend 3rd Degree" and Enjoy your weekend

Welcome to the weekend everyone!!!! So another week of crap done! Coming up, a much needed fall week end... So, what are everyone’s plans?! Come on…I can’t be the only person that believed it seemed like this was one of those weeks that never ended. What happens now?...How does this work for some... How do weekend plans come to fruition. In my world I rarely have plans and usually leave it up to the universe to provide something. Some might call me “boring”, but, In my defense I know few people who have the extensive arrest record that I have (TAKE THAT BORING!). Anyway, so what to do this weekend... I don't know!

So, this may sound funny...but being that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” type of guy...or rather, a “fly by the seat of incredibly overprotective strict parents type of guy”, I sometimes have nothing to do! I am sometimes greatly effected by this but other times I can shirk it off… it however takes a new meaning when I am given the “Weekend 3rd Degree” …what is the “Weekend 3rd Degree”...well it has happened to all of us and It is simple to define…

Weekend 3rd Degree: Noun, When someone asks you what you are going to do during the weekend and you are stuck with no response and have to choose between being vague, admitting you have no life, or lying your ass off. I, in honesty, don't know how to deal with people who constantly ask the question, " So, what are you doing this weekend?"

The "Weekend 3rd Degree" happens also when after someone describes their own amazing and untouchable plans and you are left with nothing impressive to rebuttal with

Now this is how the “Weekend 3rd Degree” goes for me

Friend: "So, after I go bungee jumping and cure world hunger I am going to go adopt a neglected koala bear and nurse it back to health…Matteo what fun and exciting thing are YOU doing this weekend?"

Me: " Oh I am going to drink "

Friend: "Oh golly gee…that sounds like fun...what else are you doing?"

Me: "Drinking...."

Friend: "Golly Gee silly, you said that already...what else?"

Me: "Drink my feelings?"

We will call this, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

It is usually a back and forth type of thing until the other person realizes that I am not joking... or I just turn around silently and walk away...

So, How to deal and live through the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”:

1)      Stay calm…no one but you needs to know you have no life…

2)      Be vague… responses like, “Oh, I am going to have a lot of fun…” work wonders…but sometimes this might back fire as the person asking might want details…

3)      Use the switch tactic…send it back to them…As soon as they finish the question reply back, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!!!”…then casually wait for their response and act like you care by saying things like, “Oh, WOW, that sounds like TONS of fun!!!”

4)      Make something up…who gives a crap…unless you actually have plans or you might run into the person who is asking…make something up!

5)      Honesty might be the best Policy…Admitting you have nothing is the first step…

6)      Just say, “Why?!?” in a abrupt, stand-offish, and defensive manner. Then afterwards say nothing and back out of the room with out losing eye contact and without saying anything else…

7)      Turn it into a pick up line, “Why Girl, you want to get together…”

8)      Scoff and go, “HA, my plans are so much better…” then cause a distraction and get the hell out of there...

9)      Laugh and say, “Me too!”  (this could be awkward being that it might not pertain to you in the least…such as the time my friend said she was going to the Gynecologist and I responded back, ME TOO!)

10)  Kill off a relative….WHAT?!...don’t really do it…but just say you have to go to a funeral…nothing can top a funeral…

So those are just a few ways to combat the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”

Anyway, I am sure something will materialize for this amazing weekend...ugh…everyone enjoy the break…

AND REMEMBER OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!...so SPREAD THE WORD AND FIGHT THE FIGHT!!! TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!”

More posts coming soon everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 25: October Calendar, and a bunch of Useless Knowledge

GOOOOO PINK!!!
FIGHT THE FIGHT!!!
OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!
TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!!

Alright so October is a huge month filled with really important days, things, and such (and I am being only HALF sarcastic when I say that.)

Firstly, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month which is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart. Yes, ladies and gentlemen.... I do have a heart. So readers…I challenge you to do what you can and spend some time on showing you can help fight the fight! Do it for you, for someone who may have been affected by breast cancer, for their families, and for the future... DO SOMETHING!! It is so simple to give back to the cause... So NO excuses on this one...

It may not just be donating money or volunteering but just go give something back on a real human level.  Give back to someone by dropping off some food at a friend’s house. Or this one is nice…go rent some DVDs or let someone who could use some relaxation borrow your Netflix accountant. Help someone by driving them to an appointment and then just sitting around trying to help them find the crappiest mind numbing magazine in the office. Be a shoulder to cry on, be a pillar of strength, and just make a funny gift basket filled with crap that someone would like. Many women whom who have been affected and there families fall into a terrible rut so sometimes distractions are great (I have went through this first hand). Give the person something to do during treatment sessions. Think  comfortable!!

Think  awesome!!

And Give a little Bit!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH...GET INVOLVED WITH THE CAUSE!

What else…

When you think about the month of October do Halloween parties, costumes, and trick-or-treating come to mind? OF COURSE THEY DO, because at the end of October is Halloween…so lets start planning our costumes now…I am debating over two choices…

Hmmmmm…..So yes, October 31^st is a big day for some… IT IS HALLOWEEN…I am going to make a “Sloppopotamus Post” Halloween version post…so look out for that coming up…

It is National Marigold Month (Marigold is also the Flower of October)

Columbus Day Was on October 12th. It is the Day where Italian Americans get a parade and the announcers butcher the language to crap…

PLUS OCTOBER IS ITALIAN HERITAGE MONTH! (whoop whoop)…

Then of course…some lesser known knowledge and observances of October..

October is Book Month (Go to your library…pick up a book…an actual book…find a shady spot…and read the hell out of it!)

October is Dental Hygiene Month (I freaking LOVE brushing my teeth)

October is Dessert Month (The irony of this…mixing Dental Hygiene and Dessert)

October is Fire Prevention Month (I am actually a Big fan of fire…so….not so big on the “prevention” of it...)

October is Pizza Month (WHAT WHAT!! Yum)

October is Popcorn Poppin' Month (love all popcorn…except Kettle Corn…Kettle Corn is terrible)

Anyway, Here is the calendar:

In case you are wondering...yes, that is the Devil's actual child...

ANYWAY,
more posts coming soon, Keep Reading!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NÚMERO 24: a test and only a test

Alright so I installed an app on my little dinky ( what I now call my IPOD touch) for the purpose of blogging on the go. What used to happen was I logged onto the site and was able to write blog posts directly to the site but apparently blogger really does not work that well where I work. The internet is blocked and a lot of the internets fine additions are disabled. Yes, I may or may not be writing this at work currently during aerating (a meeting). I don't even know really how to work this crap but I can't really listen to the ramble on the topic of what ever the frick is going on when I am currently so peeved of at the fact of how my p tone(October) blender(calendar) is once again put on hold. So in honesty I have no idea what this post is going to look like. It could very well look like crap. Plus to add to the shady was(shadiness)((this might not be a real word)). I am texting from behind a woman's head using
Her hair as a blocking me banian(mechanism). So from the front it must look like I am playfully/creepily playing with this women's head or more specific striking(stroking) the back of her head.
Anyway this is a text (test) of the application an I am just trying it out. When I go on my computer later this could resemble the craziest hot mess of a post ever.

So can't wait to see what this looks like later and rereading this...also hopefully this works!

Cheers, salute, chin chin!!!
More posts coming soon!

Here is a Picture of a Puppy with a Leaf...just cause!

Post Numero 34: It is (almost) October

Ok…so…IT IS OCTOBER!!!! (almost October...but the excitement is overwhelming me...2 hours left till it is officially October her in this part of the world)

And readers…who are you kidding…EVERYONE loves October!

Think about it.  With the exception of the freak chill happening, the weather is gorgeous. (Even though for the past two Octobers we have been through two MAJOR blizzards…but let us not think about that now).  In October the leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you're an outdoorsy type, there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else one might do that doesn't include air conditioning (drinking outside, hiking outside with drinks, bad decision outside with fun time).  If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds.  The cultured among us can enjoy a new season of symphony and opera, and even the couch potato is finally freed from summer reruns. And of course LOTS OF “FALL-CAHOL”!

No matter who you are and what you like, there's something great about October. 

Then a cherry on top of the major awesome "monthification", Halloween caps off the month, which is one of the few light hearted days that present a rare opportunity for adults to use their imaginations to find a creative costume, go to a party and act like children for a night in our otherwise stuffy, overworked, miserable, blech, work year. and of course I repeat October is a GREAT TIME for “FALL-cahol”

Everyone wins. 

I love October. 

I will put up a calendar post soon

3 posts in one day, with more coming soon…whoa!

Cheers, Saluti, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 33.29: Bucket List #29

So with the fall bucket list happening I decided to add this to the list:

Readers, I will let you decided which one is "Nice Guy"

29) Find a ridiculous horse…name horse “Nice Guy”…enter him in a horse race…make sure he finishes last…Laugh at the irony of how “Nice Guy finished Last”

HAHAHAHAHAHA…I crack myself up…

More posts coming soon!

Keep sending me feed back and check your inbox for my responses

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!