POST NUMERO 29: Halloween Mashups and Some fun with Michael Myers-Buble

Hello Readers!

So, someone shot me a compliment on the photo I made in my last post…it may not be "Kayla worthy" (she brings shit to a whole new level of awesome...) but at least I am learning the basics of Photoshop…Anyway I thought my photo was funny, so I decided to make a few more examples…

Anyway…Here are some more of my Halloween themed Techno Mashups…I mentioned them quickly in my last post “How to Survive Watching Scary Movies”…So, I thought I would be clever and make a few more examples of artistic genius…

If you are confused about WHAT a "Halloween Themed Mashup" is…here is the part from the “Surviving” post…

“ Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step. “

EVERYBODY SCREAM!!!...Ehhhh Sexy Lady...

Ha....Lady Gaga mashed with Some Voorhees....Lady Voorhees

Eat me baby one more time...

"Moves Like...Jigsaw...."

What WHHHHHAAAAT!....Only needed to Photoshop one of these people...yet both are scary as fuck...

Michael Myers Bublé 

Anyway...I think I am awesome...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28: Tips for WATCHING Scary Movies

Alright, So…It is October and I have been indulging in a guilty pleasure that I did not even know I had…watching horror movies…

Alright, That is my first Lie of this post…I LOVE horror movies…I find them stupid…I find them awesome, I find them entertaining, I find them ridiculous…I just really enjoy them…

I mean if it says anything about me…my two current favorite Television shows that I never miss are The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story…which both have a horror thing going for them…OR maybe I am just a freak…

Anyway…

I just really enjoy them…however, I have come to the realization that they are an acquired taste…Some people can not even manage to make it through the first five minutes of any film or anything traditionally “scary”…

Now I will also admit…sometimes the genre gets TOO INTENSE even for me…I will closes my eyes or plug my ears but mostly I try and make it through…My method revolves around turning a negative into a positive (HA!, because I am SUCH a positive person) I find a way to make what I am watching HILARIOUS (rather then bloody, hellish, and scary as fuck).

Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step.

everybody...SCREAM!

2)      Have lots of snacks…Eat your Fear…Also, limit your caffeine intake prior to watching a horror movie. You don’t want to be all jittery and hyped up while watching a scary movie it will heighten the jumpiness induced by the scary scenes… PLUS put a top on what you're drinking when you watch a horror movie. This will prevent you from spilling your drink and embarrassing yourself if you jump during a scary scene. Your lap, your friend’s lap, and everyone around you probably would not appreciate being covered in soda, water, or other drink (in my case, vodka).

3)      Make it a drinking game…so many possibilities…things are less scary when you are drunk…or at least when I am drunk…HA! In fact…make it “drink easy”, examples: drink every time someone screams, anytime there happens to be a random violin noise, and anytime someone uses a word with a vowel.

4)      If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black magic and practices, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion...well then, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING HORROR MOVIES ANYWAY!!…go to the fucking water park or something…or if you still have a hankering for watching a scary movie go over a friend’s house (if you have friends…you might just be the town pariah)!

5)      Pay attention to the moments you can relax…use them to your advantage…More then likely in scary movies crap does not go down during the day…it just doesn't when there is sun there is safety (or more safety)…Also if people are talking or giving key plot details nothing is going to be popping out…use these moments to make sure you are prepared for the next scare (I.E...make yourself more comfortable)…AND REMEMBER, SHIT HITS THE FAN AT THE END OF SCARY MOVIES so be prepared for the shock.

6)      We all have THAT friend who screams bloody murder, grabs, and flails when they get scared (you know who you are). Those people make other people scared thanks to their inability to not scream and act like a spastic mess. Stay far away from them. They're scarier than the movie. Put them in a corner with other screamers. It helps. It really does…

7)      Have the remote handy…for the fast forward option…I don’t like missing or stopping the film because that prolongs what could be a torturous bloody scare-a-thon…but fast forwarding shows what needs to be shown and also adds in a hilarious slapstick quality to it all.

8)      Find Hilarity in ALL…we all know the “Scary Movie Rules” and “Scary Movie Clichés”… Some of these movies are based completely on sheer stupidity and ridiculousness…so what may seem IMMENSELY scary can (when looked at in a different way) can be actually hilarious.

9)      Know that you are watching a damn scary movie…it is NOT supposed to be calm and relaxing…it is supposed to make you uneasy and have an adrenaline rush, so know that you are going to get scared… being prepared helps you NOT get caught off guard. I mean you wouldn't expect Jason to pop up behind someone holding a fluffy rabbit and the cutest damn puppy ever?

10)  Safety in numbers…watch with friends…it helps…and when you are all together feel free to chant, “it is only a movie, it is only a movie, it is only a movie…”

Anyway, I hope everyone is getting their freak on and HAPPY WEEKEND!  Use these rules the next time you pop on a scary movie…or maybe Bambi (this is a joke from a movie…I don’t remember which movie…but feel free to tell me which in an email).

Fall is progressing nicely and expect a few more posts coming up soon! I promise I am already working on a few posts for the upcoming week...HOPE everyone is finalizing their Halloween Plans

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 27: Post Numero 1...again!!!

HELLO READERS, I decided to Repost my first post ever!...I am getting more subscribers everyday so I might as well give a refresher on who I am...So WOAH, mind trip...flash back...here is my first post from a while...

OH and expect another post soon...and if you have already read this post (which I bet you all have because when stumbling across a random ass blog on the internet I KNOW everyone automatically goes to the first post every made)...reread it and bask in my awesomeness...

POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....

SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....

∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt

The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:

• Name: Matteo Torre
• Age:
• I am Italian
• I am epileptic
• I hate everyone
• I am terrible with names
• I can’t stand politics
• I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
• I am flexible (bendy)
• Liberal crap pisses me off
• I love to teach
• I love kids
• I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
• I may have anger issues
• I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
• Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
• ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!

So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?

Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!



ANYWAY, this was from months ago...
HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon...I promise....