POST NUMERO 38.5: IT'S GONNA BE MAY!

Haha...this was the photo that started it all on this blog...or one of them...

Oh, and a year ago today I started this blog...sooooo TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS TURNS 1 TODAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTEO TORRE!

I am going out to celebrate...later readers!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 38: The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2, and Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell

So, The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2

So, I hope you liked the last post because 83% of this post is about my face!...if you don't want to read about my eyebrows and just want to skip down to the part about "getting fired" scroll down to wear it says "WARNING" in bold. If you want to skip right to my advice and deep thoughts read the bold paragraph (although I suggest reading it all...and more...and going back into posts...)

So, I mentioned I have “murderer eyebrows”…and rereading yesterday’s post I realized that most of you probably gasped and wondered “WHAT THE HELL?!”

So before you start contacting your local authorities to report me for being some sort of “caterpillar browed” psycho…let me explain!:

I have this strange kind of allure…I blame it on my eyebrows. People LOVE me and at the same time I terrify some…I can slide from charming to crazy-ass-scary with just a small tilt of my head. Why?, because of my eyebrows…It is like my pretty man face (pretty man face?) has a darkness hidden deep within my brow bone…dun dun dunnnnn…

It even scares me how if I position my face slightly downward, glance upwards, and furrow my brow a bit I instantly become sinister! Insta-Satan! I qualify my “pretty man face” (why do I keep calling my face that!) as one you would not want to see in a dark alley with deceptive lighting…

I started realizing this fun little personality trait when I used to be a thespian (IT MEANS ACTOR!)

When I used to act I was always typecast into two different roles:

1) The Father Figure: Having a constant five o’clock shadow made me look older then most and I present myself as older so it somewhat fits

2) The Evil Dude: If there was a bad guy…I was him

I was never the comedic relief or the fun guy…and I never EVER was the young character.

But yeah…It was the eyebrows…they just add in a fuzzy creepiness to my “pretty man face” (again?!)

So I think I want a change...what happens if I do this…

Can barely notice my brows anymore...

Better?, Less Noticeable?, I think so!

So,

Time to change the topic…I know…the eyebrow thing was SO interesting that you want me to go on and on about it…but sadly I can not…

I’ve been thinking lately…

WARNING

This is going to be somewhat serious…and it is dedicated to my coworkers

When the “work friend” becomes a “real friend.” (no romance involved)

Here it is…

The daily grind brought us together. The Nine to Five (or rather 8:15- 3:15) was our hang out. We swapped stories while in the staff lounge, made trivial conversation around the water cooler, and we cracked jokes while pretending to do our jobs. In the beginning we were STRICTLY work friends. We share the bond of paperwork, meetings, and problems. We were just both there working in the same place at the same time and it just worked.

Suddenly a change happens…a spark ignites…small changes begin to occur. We begin to use sincere voices when speaking to each other. When swapping stories we REALLY laugh in comparison to the awkward breathy noises we made before. We begin to feel sad when everyone is sad, happy at accomplishments, and we start to ACTUALLY care for coworkers. We begin to watch out for each other and help out when we can without having to be asked and without a need for words...

Then one day you see coworkers outside of the workplace….maybe you grabbed a drink, maybe you were invited to a happy hour, maybe you found an empty parking lot to hang out in during lunch breaks, maybe you realized that your coworkers think just as many naughty thoughts as you do…suddenly you stand there and say… holy crap, we are now friends!

Well guess what happened…

Take a guess… cause you did it…you became REAL friends…

You converted a work friend into a real friend! It wasn't easy and it sure as hell was awkward but you did it! You made a new friend whom you can share stories with and share a part of you.

Why am I writing this “friends” stuff…I am writing because one of the cruelties of being a “real person” is occurring at work. Lay Offs have begun. Pink Slips are being sent out. Employees are being Fired. Lives are being toyed with…and it makes me want to scream out of anger and not sadness (we all know I am not capable of being sad).

I have lost a few good talented friends from these lay offs and also have lost numerous nights of sleep wondering if my ship is sunk… I see the murky waters around me and it is not good...Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell...we all know it...

So to those whom did receive bad news or are expecting it...I write you this (and I will try and take my own advice as well):

When a job ends abruptly think of it as being a reality check in the right direction. Look at it NOT as the time you have lost but rather the memories and experiences you HAVE gained. Looking back at your career you will realize that you have not lost them but THEY have lost you,  it is THEIR mistake for letting you go, and it is THEIR loss. You are powerful, dedicated, determined, and an integral part to any team and you should know that. A part of your world feels like it might be ending, you might be sad, and suddenly you realize that bad things happen fast and you live through them slow. However SHIT HAPPENS! Shit has happened in the past and shit will happen in the future. You can not give up, you can not quit, you just have to fight like hell for now and readjust to make sure you make it through. It is unfair, it is not right, it is what it is. Keep poised, and use your circumstances to fuel your emotions and push you through.

So I offer this to you as a closing comment…

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..."

Romans 5:3-4

You all will endure…you all will persevere…you all will be missed…

If any of this made any sense...then success for me!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 37: Happy Earth Day, Listen to the Captain, and the Power of Eyebrows Pt1

Hey Readers,
HAPPY EARTH DAY!!

Yes, in case you did not know, it is Earth Day… a real holiday…in which we celebrate the Earth…oh goodness!!

All day I have been doing things “Because it is Earth day”…Nothing really in the spirit of the Earth but literally using Earth Day as an excuse for my actions…

Took a Picture on Snap Chat…Cause it is Earth Day!

Drank that Glass of unknown liquid…Cause it is Earth Day!

Wore Gym Shorts to Work…Cause it is Earth Day!

Took a 3 Hour Nap... Cause it is Earth Day

Made bad Decisions and Acted accordingly…Cause it is Earth Day!

Anyway…Earth Day…the one day we are supposed to be excited about protecting the earth…

For the 24 hours of Earth Day, the media will assault us with tales of imminent disaster that always accompany the annual Earth Day Doom & Gloom Extravaganza.

Ignore them. They’ll be wrong. We should be confident because they have always been wrong and hopefully always will be…at least in my opinion! (which we know is usually wrong!)

So, here is my Idea: 

What they should show on television is an entire day marathon of "CAPTAIN PLANET!"

You want to save the world...listen to the Captain! 

Captain Planet taught me the importance of treating the world with respect! It is true...I still have a power ring to prove that at one point...I was a Planeteer! For those who were not around between 1990 and 1996, the basic plot of Captain Planet was: 5 bad ass teenagers wore special rings that granted them “the powers of the earth”,  one of them was a communist, all major racial groups were represented, and one kid had the worst power possible which was the ability to show bad guys the error of their ways aka the “Heart Power”. When they felt overwhelmed they combined their powers and summoned “Earth’s greatest champion” Captain Planet! Together they fought pollution and helped out “Gaia/Mother Nature” keep the earth intact and balanced! It was truly an awesome show! However, instead you will see that really sad commercial with the Drowning Polar Bears (you know the one that comes on after the starving children commercial and before the abused animal commercial...they make my nervous)!

"Help Me!"

Here is what is confusing, every day should be Earth Day! Ok, I guess today is the day we officially try and teach ourselves the way to promote environmentalism. But, who the hell are we kidding…our goal is not to “save the Earth” but rather to keep it somewhat livable for humans, animals, and plant life. The earth doesn't really need the saving…We do.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!...that was overtly deep…

So let’s clear things up.  Earth Day/Week/Forever has nothing to do with the earth or saving it.  It has to do with us humans.  They should call it People Day/Week.  No one is altruistically concerned with the earth…if we were we would never drive, wear clothes, or do anything really (Nude Recreation Week to the MAX!). Yet, what we’re concerned with is whether or not the earth can put up with our crap anymore. It is our hope that by recycling it here on Earth Day 2013, the world will not royally screw us over until Earth Day 2014.

Anyway, I am just as green as green can be (HA!, lie)…I am green enough to know that I should recycle all my empty wine bottles… Here at the Torre house we compost, garden and “reduce, reuse and recycle”…we try, we fail, but we still try!!!

OK, new topic!

The power of Eyebrows part 1…WOAH!! RANDOM!!!

This has been on my mind since yesterday when I saw this Image on Facebook…get ready for cuteness everyone:

Everyone I introduce you to Finnegan...my friends new puppy!

Ok the formal introduction is over, look at him carefully…look at that steely gaze, that steely puppy gaze… look…

Now look at him again!

LOOK AT THE POWER OF THE EYEBROW!!

I have incredibly large eyebrows…I know it…I see them…if I squint I can block out the world around me. However, I freaking love the power they give me…especially being that I qualify them as “murderer eyebrows” (huh?!)…but I will explain that phrasing in another post (perhaps: The Power of Eyebrows part 2)!

I was bored earlier so I photo shopped (not very well because I am not Kayla and I was using Microsoft Paint) to show the importance of eyebrows, are some celebrities without eyebrows to prove my point!

 

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 25.5: thanks, the sexcada, and a conversation with "Carolyn"

Hey everyone! So I am currently posting because I want to thank everyone for the emails about 1) how exciting it is to have me back, 2) how much I sound like a terrible person, 3) how funny I am, 4) how gross and disturbing my last post was, 4) emailing me your HILARIOUS "sex-cada" playlists (I just came up with that word..."Sexcada"... Instead of "secada"... I am so witty!) and 5) the question you ALL seemed to email me, " is that the playlist I use for "loving" ". It's not.

Speaking of a funny story this conversation just occurred between a coworker and I. I shall call her "Carolyn"

Carolyn: What are you doing?
Me: I am blogging about the "sexcada"...
Carolyn: YOU blog?! (In the tinniest whisper) its a sex blog?!?!

I might be paraphrasing but it is close enough for her to read later and blush about...
Ladies and gentlemen this is how rumors start...

Anyway. I am blogging from my iPod so I don't know how to really edit this post correctly. WHATEVER !!

More posts coming soon!

Cheers, Salute, chin chin!!!!

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 34: April, and That One Riddle that is in My Mind

So, it has been far too long….Happy April!

Let’s act like this long time away never happened…we were perhaps, on a break?...

I just realized I have been watching A LOT of friends

I don’t have much to say in this post because not much has happened…or rather…more of the same…which in this case is just me sitting at my desk and burning out my retinas with my terrible new desk lamp.

Since the beginning of the month, the few times I have rejoined humanity have been incredibly awkward (SHOCKER!)

I walk around with soft elevator music playing on repeat in my mind and I constantly contemplate how I have the strangest urge to ask everyone that grade school riddle, “April Showers bring May Flowers but what do “May Flowers” bring?”

The answer to the riddle is “Pilgrims” (or to be more accurate…Pilgrims, numerous contagious diseases, tuberculosis, and a hostile “take over and slay the natives” attitude)

If you did not understand this riddle your childhood was probably terrrrible.

I have been so busy that my life is just kind of bland right now...This "becoming a real person" thing really reeeeally sucks….

Anyway, April is an Absurd Month!

It always brings along some sort of uneasiness as the bitch of winter is finally passing and spring arrives…

Take notice readers that all the people who had winter cabin fever come out of ‘hiding’ for the spring and unleash their seasonal depression upon the masses..

Even worse…those same people usually have the worst allergies in the world so they literally exit the house all excited about the sunlight and the warming temperature and just basically die from a high pollen count….crazy crazy mother nature!

Also in April everyone has this moment when you are suddenly confronted by that one friend whom you have not seen for a long time and you think to yourself, “Where the hell has she been?!” and then you remember…”Nope, It has just been Winter!”

Anyway things to know about April:

April has some huge holidays…

April Fools' Day (April 1)
Earth Day (April 22)

And of course one of the biggest days of the year…the ever important

Arbor Day  (April 5)

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month, National Food Month, National Soft Pretzel Month ...And National Stress Awareness Month. Which is funny because…Drinking, eating, and pretzels are the way I alleviate my stress…Oh Silly Me!

It is also “National Older People Month”…and I don’t understand exactly what that means…so Um…go hug someone who is Older then you?…it is also…and I am quoting the commercial that just played on the television (how convenient), “Pets are Wonderful Month” …and I agree…Pets are Wonderful! And if you agree…find my previous post about pets…WAIT I will give you the link: http://matteotorre.blogspot.com/2012/05/post-numero-6-pets-and-such.html
I am so clever it hurts...

And Finally…One that is Very near and dear…

April is National Autism Awareness Month

Research, Give Back, and Donate: http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/showHomePage.do

LIGHT IT UP BLUE!

WOAH ABRUPT FUN FACT:  If you were lucky enough to invest in a small computer company in April of 1976 – you are probably a billionaire today: Apple Inc. was founded April 1, 1976.

Wow…I am currently glaring at my parents for not investing in freaking Apple…I am also looking at my cell phone and realizing I still have an old Blackberry…so HA!, I guess I am still not making any investment in Apple either.

ANYWAY!, more posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 33: Woah...I'm Coming Back...and the world is crap

The Pope quit, snow and sleet are falling in both Arizona and Sicily, a meteor fell ON Russia, an asteroid is apparently playing Armageddon with Earth, Mount Etna Erupts, Sinkholes in Florida!...seriously...someone somewhere in the world is playing Jumanji


Be Right Back

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 32.5: Quick, Simple, and WHO IS THAT?!

Hey everyone...so I rarely pay attention to some of the advertisements on my page...most if not all are about "Substance Addiction and Rehabilitation Centers" or meeting "Christian Singles". Which I guess is Blogger's way of telling me I might have issues that I should look into at some point...cough cough...However, when currently checking what ads pop up...I found this one nestled in between two posts...

WHO THE HELL IS THIS!?

WHY IS HE WINKING!?

WHY ARE HIS SHIRTS ONLY SIX DOLLARS!?

WHY AM I HYPNOTIZED BY HIS CHARM!?

WHY ARE HIM AND I NOT FRIENDS!?

I really think this is a winning advertisement...so I ask you blogger...keep this man on my page (hidden though) and readers if you want to go a cool site with AWESOME tshirt deals head on over to http://www.6dollarshirts.com...if anything you gotta check it out because of the Friendly "come hither" wink he is giving...

So "6dollarshirt man" I don't know what to think of you but I am intrigued..

POST NUMERO 32: November, and a 1/2 Assed Calendar

NOVEMBER!
NOVEMBER!
NOOOOOOOVEEEEMBER!!!!!!!!

Yes, Folks…it is the amazing and wonderful November!

I can’t even believe that it came so fast (and that it is almost over)…I still feel that it could be October (being 2 weeks with zero power really moved the month along…). Anyway, I am in disbelief with how quickly this month is passing…and I STILL HAVE NOT PUT UP NOVEMBER’s “MONTH POST”! (What a Jack Ass I am!)

So here it is readers:

The Thanksgiving season is upon us and just a few days from now, most US citizens will enjoy the sit down, knock out, family fun, worst travel day, eat till you burst, parade filled, first REAL day of the holiday season, and most awesome holiday of the year (somewhat sarcastic)!

People will travel to the middle of no where (once again on the worst travel day of the year), to see family they'd rather not spend an afternoon with (or in my case…3 minutes with) and make amazing mental reasons why it is ok to have 18 pieces of meat today as opposed to what a normal serving size is any other day of the year. It is the day where people eat far more than they should of some of the BEST food they've ever tasted on what is a uniquely American holiday (so to my worldly readers…to bad. so sad, Google and try out Thanksgiving…you will NOT be dissapointed)

So what to do in November and why is it SO grand:

1) Well, unfourtanelty the days are shorter (womp womp)…BUT if you do most your drinking when the sun goes down then GUESS WHAT…YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF DARKNESS!...yeaaah plus side! So drink up everyone!

2) November is also great because it makes you realize that you made it through MOST of the year. November is the home stretch…It is a refreshing month…It is the final month to say goodbye to the year and being that December is more of a “Holiday/Festivities” month (I.M.H.O) then I recommend to you readers that you use November as your reflection month (right now I am reflecting on the fact of how I could really use a drink…and a scoop of peanut butter…)

3) The ELECTION is over…SCORE ONE FOR THAT FACT ALONE!...I don’t give a rat’s ass who won (I actually do…but I don’t talk about politics)…not because I am disinterested but because I find it a terrible topic…THE ELECTION IS OVER AND I AM EXCITED because it means no more friends (like I have any) pushing their political rants and bull crap on me when I don’t care. The countless amounts of CRAP Facebook posts I saw in the past few month have been staggering and the methods used to pour them upon people were obnoxious. It came to the point where I would log on and pray that someone uploaded a picture of their ugly kid, or an Instagram photo of a sandwich. BUT FINALLY it is over…(bring back slutty girls who post about wanting a “gentleman” but have their Facebook profile picture set to a picture of them getting motorboated by a stranger on Halloween)

4) Oh speaking of Halloween…November 1^st means you survived Halloween which means you made it through those bad decisions that could have happened.

5) November is a month where it is acceptable for men NOT TO SHAVE…yes everyone…if your guy friend is growing out his stache and starting to look like as axe murderer, biker dude, or someone who might be a frequent entry on a sex offenders list…DON’T WORRY and DON’T JUDGE because it is “NO-SHAVE-NOVEMBER” also known as “Movember” (I can’t participate because I begin looking like a public threat to society after two days)

5) THE FOOD…ALL THE FREAKING GLORIOUS FOOD!!!!

6) Christmas Music Begins to play on the radio and new big budget movies start debuting.

7) THE FOOD!!!

8) It is the fruit pie month…so many fruit pies…Pumpkin Pie…BRING IT ON!

Anyway so what is November known for?

Well November has a lot to offer and is known for many things …however for now I am going to put two things that are near and dear to my heart:

November is “Peanut Butter Lovers Month”…I can’t even handle the epicness of any month that celebrates the awesomeness that is peanut butter…the legume that warms my heart and fills my stomach…as I am writing this I am currently eating a spoonful of Peanut Butter just because knowing it was peanut butter month made my mouth water! Yum!

This may or may not be my Dinner....

November is National Epilepsy Month and if you know me you will know why this is huge to me. So lets raise some awareness and do some research people. Everyone is coming down from the hype of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month but those effected with Epilepsy need some help and support also. It is a terrible thing to have and it flat out sucks. So do you research and figure out how to help! (I will probably post more on this in another post…but until then…I repeat keep it in your mind and support the cause).

Notable Days:

1 All Saint's Day

2 All Soul's Day

3 Sandwich Day

8 Cook Something Bold Day

11 Veteran's Day

17 Homemade Bread Day

17 National Adoption Day

17 World Peace Day

20 Universal Children's Day

21 False Confession Day

22 Thanksgiving - Eat, drink, and be thankful.

23 Black Friday

Here is the Half-Assed Calendar

The Turkey was added to draw attention from the failure...I just couldn't make it work

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31.2: Whoops, Black Out advice

WOW! I forgot a huge thing from my last crappy post!

I forgot to add one more AMAZING way of surviving a black out...in fact this might be one of the most positive and beneficial survival tips:

RED WINE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED

Yes, that is right...when bad weather hits...and everything in the refrigerator starts to head south...just remember that most liquor never really goes bad...and most does not require refrigeration!
So next time bad weather is on its way...stock up!

It's a good thing...

Blacking out does have numerous meanings after all!

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31: The Black Out

HEY READERS…did you miss me?…yeeeeaaaaah you did!

So I live on the east coast of the USA…in one of the many regions effected by that bitch Sandy (Hurricane Sandy…for those who might think Sandy is a person). Luckily, after the storm our house looks virtually untouched, our land is a 6 out of 10 on the destruction meter, and we are immensely lucky compared to what could have happened. The biggest bitch however was the fact of how we lost power and how EVERYTHING FREAKING RUNS ON ELECTRICITY…

Now, for those who might not know this fact or whom might have just woken up from a coma that has lasted many years every modern doohickey, light, or electronic device is useless without power! So after a grand total of 13 days without power (even currently the damn lights are still flickering) it has been restored…

Why am I telling you this, well, FOR ONCE my laziness is not the reason for my lack of posts…this time it was pure natural disaster…

Yep, Hurricane Sandy hit my area REAL bad and my prayers and positive thoughts go out to those affected by the storm…

SO, being that I have spent the past 13 days in the freezing ass dark I mentally jotted down some ways to Survive a Black Out in the most sarcastic way possible:

Ok firstly: Prepare your house BEFORE hand…duh…being prepared is half the battle…make sure you are stocked up on plenty of NON-perishable food and other stuff. Have bottled water ready and other stuff to make sure you don’t starve or dehydrate. Going out during or after a storm means absolute chaos…people turn into animals and will do anything to claim a battery, a jug or water, or that generator (I know first hand...I am one of those animals...just ask my neighborhood Home Depot...in my defense though...no one should ever mess with me at Home Depot)

Secondly: Get your flashlights, and candles out BEFORE it gets dark…Listen, this is huge because my family NEVER EVER DOES THIS (I always do…they just never have gotten the memo). Some people have great night vision…I am not one of those people. I am blind at night! So if you pride yourself on being one of "those people" who can see in the dark and have "amazing night vision"...I will show you a perfect combination indifference and "STFU" until you prove it by turning off the lights, taking off you shoes, and navigating a tile floor filled with scattered Lego bricks.

Let me see your "Great Night Vision Now"!

Thirdly: Don’t fucking rearrange your house before the storm. YOU WON’T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED…So long story short…we have a bunch of fucking Palm Trees…yes that is right…Palm Trees. Upon hearing that the temperature was going to drop my Father began the ritual of bringing all the outdoor plants indoors… BAD FREAKING IDEA NUMBER 1…my Mother then rearranged the plants neatly around the house (In front of windows…next to doors…directly in the way of EVERYTHING). Of course with the presence of the beloved palms…furniture was moved… The amount of freaking times I got poked by a sharp palm tree frond or tripped over a newly placed piece of furniture…let me put it this way…one of the palm trees was angrily thrown out of a second floor window by the second day of darkness.

I don’t know…just be prepared

I am slightly off guard currently being that Halloween was cancelled and It is already November...

BTW…a man can only play Monopoly so many freaking times…

Anyway…

It is November….wow…I have missed two weeks out of my life that I will never get back...Anyway, keep those effected by Hurricane Sandy in your mind, hearts, and prayers.

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 30.32: Excuse Me for My Length and Jeeze I am Craving...

DAMN!, JUST REALIZED HOW FREAKING LONG MY POSTS ARE GETTING (again...)…sorry…I will try and work on my length (something about this sounds dirty)…

Anyway…I lied…I said I would continue writing about “Halloween Sluttery” but I have not the mind to do it…today…DAMN!, my laziness…is overtaking me…

Oh, random,  I am trying to memorize the lyrics to a Song that has been stuck in my mind for MONTHS!...so if anyone has any tips…I would love to hear them…because listening to it on repeat and looking at the lyrics has helped me NOTHING! (If I am going to sing it...I might as well sing it correctly)

Anyway...

As I said…I will work on my length (tehee)…I will work on it realreal hard…


In true Matteo Fashion...I guess I will end this post with something random…hmmm…OH I KNOW, I AM REALLY CRAVING A KINDER SORPRESA!!!

I can't even contain myself from the awesomeness...these were my Crack growing up...

OH, one last thing (I promise)..some of you readers are finally using the Rate tool at the Bottom of every post...I would love to see some more clicks if possible...I get a lot of emails (keep them coming) but the "rate gadget" gives me a general knowledge of audience reaction in a more timely manner. for those that don't know what I am talking about...it looks like this...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!