POST NUMERO 40.5: Whodunnit?

Don't get to excited...This is just a little blurb because I want some emails about this topic!, 

I never really talk about TV but I have found my "cracked out" show for this summer holiday…

Really Quickly…does anyone watch the Show “Whodunnit”? If not I suggest you do…it is so hilariously terrible that it is actually fun to watch… If you haven’t been watching Whodunnit, then you've been missing out on some of the campiest, crappiest, most ridiculous reality television in TV history (and believe me…I hate reality TV). If anything you have to watch it because of these few images….

So much Plaid...So much Huddling

The face of a true detective

Da Fuq?!...speechless

What is “Whodunnit”…It's a reality show about 13 contestants in a mansion and one of them is the killer. The contestants solve clues on how the victim was killed. The person with the most inaccurate testimony gets killed off.

Just making a suggestion to my faithful and not so faithful readers...

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 40: I hate singing children, and KidzBop is torture

So, have a confession to make that not many people know about me…

I really dislike when children sing…

So why am I finally admitting this…because I just watched an ENTIRE show dedicated to finding the toddler version of Beyonce…it was the type of show where children are belting out high notes and butchering the world’s most famous songs all while looking like they are being held hostage by their parents. This was the kind of show where parents say stuff like, “Little Susie was born to sing…she was actually a singing fetus…instead of crying when my wife gave birth, Little Susie came out singing Celine Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On” (these are somewhat realistic quotes from the show…)

Needless to say if I took a shot every time there was a “tone deaf moment” I would pretty much look like this right now…

I would be so Drunk that I can't even express how drunk I'd be in photo...hence censored...

I just really hate when children sing!

--Ok, I just reread the amount of times I used the word “hate” next to the word “children”…and before the world rises up and calls me a terrible person (or MORE of a terrible person) I think I need to rephrase and give some reasoning behind my words… --

Firstly, PLEASE NOTE that I’m not saying that I hate the actual kids who are singing. I love kids, and I teach them daily. I think kids are great and cute at times…I truly think kids are absolutely amazing and my job would be nothing and hollow with out them…

So let me break it down…I love kids…I just hate when the kids sing. I love the noun…hate the verb…I don’t hate the player…I hate the game…GET IT?!

For example…It doesn’t matter if the kid singing is an amazing angelic child, or a demon child but either way…if he/she is singing a song… instant dislike.

I think I have this crazy quirk for a few reasons…

1) If the kid is terrible…it is terrible…and there is NOTHING we can do about it. For example, NO ONE is cruel enough to go up to a parent after the school recital and be like…”Listen, your son is tone deaf, has little talent, and totally ruined every part of that song” nope…because if someone did that…this would happen:

All because of honesty...
You can literally hear the one guy screaming, "TAKE IT BACK!!"

…instead we are subject to singing children and have to smile and nod in order to be part of society.

2) If the kid is good at singing, somehow it’s even worse. First of all, I find it flat out annoying watching some 6 year old go all Christina Aguilera or Celine Dion with the vocal dramatics. If they are good, so be it …but most the time little kids sound like cats in heat… Secondly, for some reason I get incredibly awkward out to realize that small children are way more talented then I’ll ever be (but that is a post for another night)

3) I repeat…most kids sound like a bag of cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat mixed with a screeching car horn… It is just hard to listen to…

4) Usually the kids are singing in a show or recital…and shows in preschool and early elementary school years are always put on exclusively for the parents—at the kids’ expense. I can not help but wonder why when I was a young curly haired Matteo I let someone dress me up in a fish costume, and physically prompt me to sing and do hand motions. I realized I most have looked like a puppet, and an unhappy one at that…I remember the song also…

Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day And seen the little fishes swimming in the bay With their hands in their pockets and their pockets in their pants Doing the hoochy koochy dance

Damn it…if little me had the same attitude as grown up me…SHIT WOULD HAVE WENT DOWN!!!! Firstly, the fuck is that song… Secondly, fish do not have pockets or pants,…and Lastly, Hoochy Koochy sounds like a potential way of getting an STD…

5) A prime example of Children Singing…KidzBop…KidzBop is the ruination of music and perhaps one of the harsher punishments in hell… for those who don’t know the horror that is “KidzBop” …KidzBop is a series of CD’s packed with Billboard’s most overplayed songs…the catch is…each song is sung by children with high-pitched voices, whom are either on some sort of pep pills, or on a bootlegged version of Ritalin. KidzBop is censored to an extreme amount changing lyrics in order to make it “children friendly” and adds in the sounds of children laughing, and having fun to make it more pleasant and appealing for listeners… it is the soccer mom’s go to attempt to make most of today’s music suitable for sing alongs, and young children. The censorship leads to the butchering of good songs or crap songs alike. KidzBop is a huge reason why I hate when children sing! The commercials alone put me into a crazy rage…

The one kid is dressed like Freddy Kruger...

6) It is always the same damn songs…kids sing the same song over and over again…

            - Here Comes the Sun

            - The National Anthem (this one I hate most of all when sung by children)

            - Yankee Doodle (I have a traumatic story about Yankee Doodle…one day I’ll write about it)

            - The Itsy Bitsy spider

            - Stop in the Name of Love (don’t mock it…I’ve sung it)

            - When you Need a Friend

I would maybe enjoy it a little bit more if we got some hardcore rap up in the recital…or some thrift shop…something other then “this land is your land”…something uncensored where the parent’s want to smile but can’t because they would look like terrible parents.

7) Hilariously enough, kids at young ages don’t sing…they shout…the whole point is to shout louder then the person next to you…try it, it is fun to do in public!

8) It is an exploitation of cuteness…

Anyway, I am tired and don’t know why I ranted about this for so long…kind of lost my mind a little…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 39: Cleaning out my Pages! Children's Books, That time in the Check out Line, and Hat Topics

Ok...So this isn't the longest amount of time I have been away...but still I apologize for the lagging nature of my posts...I hope I am not THAT big of a let down…but believe me…I am awesome either way! So, this post is not really a post but rather I am trying to clean up some of the pages in my book… Purge some of the pages, condense my random doodles, and delete some of my crap so that way I can start fresh and clean with no more half pages (I freaking hate HALF PAGES!).

To catch you up quickly…it has been a shit show around here…no great stories or details. No big life changing events. Just me being me. Here are the things you missed out on in the span I was gone:

1)      The cicadas arrived

2)      The cicadas left

3)      I finally enjoy Seltzer Water (vodka helped)

4)      My garden has grown into a Basil Wonderland

5)      I bought new jeans that I hope will not become crotchless anytime soon (huge accomplishment)

6)      I decided to give up my summer and work all year long (I hate this entirely)

7)      I was reunited with my best friend

8)      I made a new friend

9)      I learned the TRUE reason of why I DO NOT have “Heat Vision”

10)  I have watched the following films on repeat because they are constantly on HBO,

a.       The Dark Knight Rises

b.      Pitch Perfect

c.       All the Scream Movies (1 and 4 being my Favorite ones)

d.      The Lizzie McGuire Movie

WOW, my exciting life!!!

Anyway, biggest thing to take away currently is that I am working the summer session so I truly don’t get a break and I have been really pissed off about not getting to enjoy summer in the ways I normally do.

So as I said…here are some random posts I started but did not finish...clearing out my writing closet!

For example…I don’t remember when I wrote this or what gave me the idea…but here is a short list of:

Terrible Children’s Book Ideas

                              

-          Pushing and Shoving and 98 other Games to play on the Jungle Gym

-          The Milkman is your Daddy

-          John Jumped on the Bed with The Ceiling Fan On

-          Everything is a Toy…how to use your imagination to make the most fun out of knives, matches, and what is locked in the cabinet

-          Welcome to the Tea Party Mr. Dahmer

-          Lizzie Borden’s Tool Time

-          Bullies have all the Fun

-          Fire, Fire, Burn

-          Vegetables are Gross, Fruits are Grosser

-          Your Parents Love You…but not as much as they should

-          Rule Breakers Rule

-          Crime for Children

-          Mommy Loves You, by Satan Loves you More

-          Goodnight Moon, Goodbye Enemies

-          All Animals are Friendly

-          Sharing is for Losers

-          Racial Slurs A-Z

Another half finished Post... I don’t know what day this was…but I do remember the incident and where it happened.:

" Anyway, Story of the Day…

Sometimes I really can’t stand people. I KNOW I make commentary all the time and I try to censor myself…but some people are just sooooo stupid with the things they say.

Here is my example for the Day:

I am waiting in line at the store (guess what I was buying… the answer ryhmes with “falcahol”) and I allowed the woman who was in back of me to skip ahead of me while I located my wallet. She was struggling to get stuff out of her cart so I decided to help her out and aide her to lift her stuff out of the cart. She said nothing and stared at me.

I am not going to lie, I was expecting a “thank you” and was thinking that she was just building up the courage to tell me what a fine respectable young man I am…but you know what I got instead…

::drum roll::

“You look like this terrorist I saw on the news…”

Yes…you read that right…the woman I just helped…Likened my resemblance to a “terrorist”…

However, in her defense, it was not an accusation…She did it completely dead pan, with a great deal of disinterest. I was shocked!…

What she said is the equivalent of someone sneezing and instead of saying “bless you” saying, “WOW, you look like Jeffery Dahmer”  "

And Finally...another random half finished post...I think this one was written relatively recently:

"   So, Firstly…thank you everyone (including my coworkers) for the amazing feed back on my last post. I wrote it from the bottom of my teeny tiny little heart (I know I have one way deep down inside underneath all the anger). It was the only way I could think of where I could unleash some of my thoughts in a easy manner. I am kind of drained from last night!

Anyway, it is Sunday…it has been a LONG week and an EXTREMELY short weekend…Three birthdays, visiting family and friends, tons of work, and constantly studying for two REALLY important tests…I miss when Sundays meant Cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats) and Church…now, Sunday means me crying in the fetal position on top of a book and Church! Hooray!

I am going to pick a random topic out of my hat…

The first piece of paper I pulled out says the word “Cheese” and the second one says “Music”…haha this is why I never use the hat…

CHEESE:

I find it amazing how much cheese people eat when it is cubed or on a tray…people will literally eat a block of cheese without realizing and with little effort. For some reason the fact of how it is square and has a toothpick sticking out of it negates the fact of how every cube is a piece of a bigger brick of cheese…

I love cheese.

MUSIC:

I have not used my CD player in a long looooooooooong time. However, the other day I found some old CDs I had burned myself. I was overcome by curiosity and had to listen to what, “Matteo’s Summer 2005 Italia Beats” contained. Long Story Short, my taste in music in the year 2005 was banging!!! I was impressed that I could remember all the lyrics and I may or may not have Eiffel65 as my ring tone currently…yes, that is the same band that sung “I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die” (go ahead and YouTube it…you know you want to)        "

It feels good to clean out some of these pages...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 38.5: IT'S GONNA BE MAY!

Haha...this was the photo that started it all on this blog...or one of them...

Oh, and a year ago today I started this blog...sooooo TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS TURNS 1 TODAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTEO TORRE!

I am going out to celebrate...later readers!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 38: The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2, and Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell

So, The Power of Eyebrows Pt. 2

So, I hope you liked the last post because 83% of this post is about my face!...if you don't want to read about my eyebrows and just want to skip down to the part about "getting fired" scroll down to wear it says "WARNING" in bold. If you want to skip right to my advice and deep thoughts read the bold paragraph (although I suggest reading it all...and more...and going back into posts...)

So, I mentioned I have “murderer eyebrows”…and rereading yesterday’s post I realized that most of you probably gasped and wondered “WHAT THE HELL?!”

So before you start contacting your local authorities to report me for being some sort of “caterpillar browed” psycho…let me explain!:

I have this strange kind of allure…I blame it on my eyebrows. People LOVE me and at the same time I terrify some…I can slide from charming to crazy-ass-scary with just a small tilt of my head. Why?, because of my eyebrows…It is like my pretty man face (pretty man face?) has a darkness hidden deep within my brow bone…dun dun dunnnnn…

It even scares me how if I position my face slightly downward, glance upwards, and furrow my brow a bit I instantly become sinister! Insta-Satan! I qualify my “pretty man face” (why do I keep calling my face that!) as one you would not want to see in a dark alley with deceptive lighting…

I started realizing this fun little personality trait when I used to be a thespian (IT MEANS ACTOR!)

When I used to act I was always typecast into two different roles:

1) The Father Figure: Having a constant five o’clock shadow made me look older then most and I present myself as older so it somewhat fits

2) The Evil Dude: If there was a bad guy…I was him

I was never the comedic relief or the fun guy…and I never EVER was the young character.

But yeah…It was the eyebrows…they just add in a fuzzy creepiness to my “pretty man face” (again?!)

So I think I want a change...what happens if I do this…

Can barely notice my brows anymore...

Better?, Less Noticeable?, I think so!

So,

Time to change the topic…I know…the eyebrow thing was SO interesting that you want me to go on and on about it…but sadly I can not…

I’ve been thinking lately…

WARNING

This is going to be somewhat serious…and it is dedicated to my coworkers

When the “work friend” becomes a “real friend.” (no romance involved)

Here it is…

The daily grind brought us together. The Nine to Five (or rather 8:15- 3:15) was our hang out. We swapped stories while in the staff lounge, made trivial conversation around the water cooler, and we cracked jokes while pretending to do our jobs. In the beginning we were STRICTLY work friends. We share the bond of paperwork, meetings, and problems. We were just both there working in the same place at the same time and it just worked.

Suddenly a change happens…a spark ignites…small changes begin to occur. We begin to use sincere voices when speaking to each other. When swapping stories we REALLY laugh in comparison to the awkward breathy noises we made before. We begin to feel sad when everyone is sad, happy at accomplishments, and we start to ACTUALLY care for coworkers. We begin to watch out for each other and help out when we can without having to be asked and without a need for words...

Then one day you see coworkers outside of the workplace….maybe you grabbed a drink, maybe you were invited to a happy hour, maybe you found an empty parking lot to hang out in during lunch breaks, maybe you realized that your coworkers think just as many naughty thoughts as you do…suddenly you stand there and say… holy crap, we are now friends!

Well guess what happened…

Take a guess… cause you did it…you became REAL friends…

You converted a work friend into a real friend! It wasn't easy and it sure as hell was awkward but you did it! You made a new friend whom you can share stories with and share a part of you.

Why am I writing this “friends” stuff…I am writing because one of the cruelties of being a “real person” is occurring at work. Lay Offs have begun. Pink Slips are being sent out. Employees are being Fired. Lives are being toyed with…and it makes me want to scream out of anger and not sadness (we all know I am not capable of being sad).

I have lost a few good talented friends from these lay offs and also have lost numerous nights of sleep wondering if my ship is sunk… I see the murky waters around me and it is not good...Getting Fired is a Learning Experience from Hell...we all know it...

So to those whom did receive bad news or are expecting it...I write you this (and I will try and take my own advice as well):

When a job ends abruptly think of it as being a reality check in the right direction. Look at it NOT as the time you have lost but rather the memories and experiences you HAVE gained. Looking back at your career you will realize that you have not lost them but THEY have lost you,  it is THEIR mistake for letting you go, and it is THEIR loss. You are powerful, dedicated, determined, and an integral part to any team and you should know that. A part of your world feels like it might be ending, you might be sad, and suddenly you realize that bad things happen fast and you live through them slow. However SHIT HAPPENS! Shit has happened in the past and shit will happen in the future. You can not give up, you can not quit, you just have to fight like hell for now and readjust to make sure you make it through. It is unfair, it is not right, it is what it is. Keep poised, and use your circumstances to fuel your emotions and push you through.

So I offer this to you as a closing comment…

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..."

Romans 5:3-4

You all will endure…you all will persevere…you all will be missed…

If any of this made any sense...then success for me!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 37: Happy Earth Day, Listen to the Captain, and the Power of Eyebrows Pt1

Hey Readers,
HAPPY EARTH DAY!!

Yes, in case you did not know, it is Earth Day… a real holiday…in which we celebrate the Earth…oh goodness!!

All day I have been doing things “Because it is Earth day”…Nothing really in the spirit of the Earth but literally using Earth Day as an excuse for my actions…

Took a Picture on Snap Chat…Cause it is Earth Day!

Drank that Glass of unknown liquid…Cause it is Earth Day!

Wore Gym Shorts to Work…Cause it is Earth Day!

Took a 3 Hour Nap... Cause it is Earth Day

Made bad Decisions and Acted accordingly…Cause it is Earth Day!

Anyway…Earth Day…the one day we are supposed to be excited about protecting the earth…

For the 24 hours of Earth Day, the media will assault us with tales of imminent disaster that always accompany the annual Earth Day Doom & Gloom Extravaganza.

Ignore them. They’ll be wrong. We should be confident because they have always been wrong and hopefully always will be…at least in my opinion! (which we know is usually wrong!)

So, here is my Idea: 

What they should show on television is an entire day marathon of "CAPTAIN PLANET!"

You want to save the world...listen to the Captain! 

Captain Planet taught me the importance of treating the world with respect! It is true...I still have a power ring to prove that at one point...I was a Planeteer! For those who were not around between 1990 and 1996, the basic plot of Captain Planet was: 5 bad ass teenagers wore special rings that granted them “the powers of the earth”,  one of them was a communist, all major racial groups were represented, and one kid had the worst power possible which was the ability to show bad guys the error of their ways aka the “Heart Power”. When they felt overwhelmed they combined their powers and summoned “Earth’s greatest champion” Captain Planet! Together they fought pollution and helped out “Gaia/Mother Nature” keep the earth intact and balanced! It was truly an awesome show! However, instead you will see that really sad commercial with the Drowning Polar Bears (you know the one that comes on after the starving children commercial and before the abused animal commercial...they make my nervous)!

"Help Me!"

Here is what is confusing, every day should be Earth Day! Ok, I guess today is the day we officially try and teach ourselves the way to promote environmentalism. But, who the hell are we kidding…our goal is not to “save the Earth” but rather to keep it somewhat livable for humans, animals, and plant life. The earth doesn't really need the saving…We do.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!...that was overtly deep…

So let’s clear things up.  Earth Day/Week/Forever has nothing to do with the earth or saving it.  It has to do with us humans.  They should call it People Day/Week.  No one is altruistically concerned with the earth…if we were we would never drive, wear clothes, or do anything really (Nude Recreation Week to the MAX!). Yet, what we’re concerned with is whether or not the earth can put up with our crap anymore. It is our hope that by recycling it here on Earth Day 2013, the world will not royally screw us over until Earth Day 2014.

Anyway, I am just as green as green can be (HA!, lie)…I am green enough to know that I should recycle all my empty wine bottles… Here at the Torre house we compost, garden and “reduce, reuse and recycle”…we try, we fail, but we still try!!!

OK, new topic!

The power of Eyebrows part 1…WOAH!! RANDOM!!!

This has been on my mind since yesterday when I saw this Image on Facebook…get ready for cuteness everyone:

Everyone I introduce you to Finnegan...my friends new puppy!

Ok the formal introduction is over, look at him carefully…look at that steely gaze, that steely puppy gaze… look…

Now look at him again!

LOOK AT THE POWER OF THE EYEBROW!!

I have incredibly large eyebrows…I know it…I see them…if I squint I can block out the world around me. However, I freaking love the power they give me…especially being that I qualify them as “murderer eyebrows” (huh?!)…but I will explain that phrasing in another post (perhaps: The Power of Eyebrows part 2)!

I was bored earlier so I photo shopped (not very well because I am not Kayla and I was using Microsoft Paint) to show the importance of eyebrows, are some celebrities without eyebrows to prove my point!

 

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 25.5: thanks, the sexcada, and a conversation with "Carolyn"

Hey everyone! So I am currently posting because I want to thank everyone for the emails about 1) how exciting it is to have me back, 2) how much I sound like a terrible person, 3) how funny I am, 4) how gross and disturbing my last post was, 4) emailing me your HILARIOUS "sex-cada" playlists (I just came up with that word..."Sexcada"... Instead of "secada"... I am so witty!) and 5) the question you ALL seemed to email me, " is that the playlist I use for "loving" ". It's not.

Speaking of a funny story this conversation just occurred between a coworker and I. I shall call her "Carolyn"

Carolyn: What are you doing?
Me: I am blogging about the "sexcada"...
Carolyn: YOU blog?! (In the tinniest whisper) its a sex blog?!?!

I might be paraphrasing but it is close enough for her to read later and blush about...
Ladies and gentlemen this is how rumors start...

Anyway. I am blogging from my iPod so I don't know how to really edit this post correctly. WHATEVER !!

More posts coming soon!

Cheers, Salute, chin chin!!!!

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 34: April, and That One Riddle that is in My Mind

So, it has been far too long….Happy April!

Let’s act like this long time away never happened…we were perhaps, on a break?...

I just realized I have been watching A LOT of friends

I don’t have much to say in this post because not much has happened…or rather…more of the same…which in this case is just me sitting at my desk and burning out my retinas with my terrible new desk lamp.

Since the beginning of the month, the few times I have rejoined humanity have been incredibly awkward (SHOCKER!)

I walk around with soft elevator music playing on repeat in my mind and I constantly contemplate how I have the strangest urge to ask everyone that grade school riddle, “April Showers bring May Flowers but what do “May Flowers” bring?”

The answer to the riddle is “Pilgrims” (or to be more accurate…Pilgrims, numerous contagious diseases, tuberculosis, and a hostile “take over and slay the natives” attitude)

If you did not understand this riddle your childhood was probably terrrrible.

I have been so busy that my life is just kind of bland right now...This "becoming a real person" thing really reeeeally sucks….

Anyway, April is an Absurd Month!

It always brings along some sort of uneasiness as the bitch of winter is finally passing and spring arrives…

Take notice readers that all the people who had winter cabin fever come out of ‘hiding’ for the spring and unleash their seasonal depression upon the masses..

Even worse…those same people usually have the worst allergies in the world so they literally exit the house all excited about the sunlight and the warming temperature and just basically die from a high pollen count….crazy crazy mother nature!

Also in April everyone has this moment when you are suddenly confronted by that one friend whom you have not seen for a long time and you think to yourself, “Where the hell has she been?!” and then you remember…”Nope, It has just been Winter!”

Anyway things to know about April:

April has some huge holidays…

April Fools' Day (April 1)
Earth Day (April 22)

And of course one of the biggest days of the year…the ever important

Arbor Day  (April 5)

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month, National Food Month, National Soft Pretzel Month ...And National Stress Awareness Month. Which is funny because…Drinking, eating, and pretzels are the way I alleviate my stress…Oh Silly Me!

It is also “National Older People Month”…and I don’t understand exactly what that means…so Um…go hug someone who is Older then you?…it is also…and I am quoting the commercial that just played on the television (how convenient), “Pets are Wonderful Month” …and I agree…Pets are Wonderful! And if you agree…find my previous post about pets…WAIT I will give you the link: http://matteotorre.blogspot.com/2012/05/post-numero-6-pets-and-such.html
I am so clever it hurts...

And Finally…One that is Very near and dear…

April is National Autism Awareness Month

Research, Give Back, and Donate: http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/showHomePage.do

LIGHT IT UP BLUE!

WOAH ABRUPT FUN FACT:  If you were lucky enough to invest in a small computer company in April of 1976 – you are probably a billionaire today: Apple Inc. was founded April 1, 1976.

Wow…I am currently glaring at my parents for not investing in freaking Apple…I am also looking at my cell phone and realizing I still have an old Blackberry…so HA!, I guess I am still not making any investment in Apple either.

ANYWAY!, more posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 33: Woah...I'm Coming Back...and the world is crap

The Pope quit, snow and sleet are falling in both Arizona and Sicily, a meteor fell ON Russia, an asteroid is apparently playing Armageddon with Earth, Mount Etna Erupts, Sinkholes in Florida!...seriously...someone somewhere in the world is playing Jumanji


Be Right Back

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 32.5: Quick, Simple, and WHO IS THAT?!

Hey everyone...so I rarely pay attention to some of the advertisements on my page...most if not all are about "Substance Addiction and Rehabilitation Centers" or meeting "Christian Singles". Which I guess is Blogger's way of telling me I might have issues that I should look into at some point...cough cough...However, when currently checking what ads pop up...I found this one nestled in between two posts...

WHO THE HELL IS THIS!?

WHY IS HE WINKING!?

WHY ARE HIS SHIRTS ONLY SIX DOLLARS!?

WHY AM I HYPNOTIZED BY HIS CHARM!?

WHY ARE HIM AND I NOT FRIENDS!?

I really think this is a winning advertisement...so I ask you blogger...keep this man on my page (hidden though) and readers if you want to go a cool site with AWESOME tshirt deals head on over to http://www.6dollarshirts.com...if anything you gotta check it out because of the Friendly "come hither" wink he is giving...

So "6dollarshirt man" I don't know what to think of you but I am intrigued..

POST NUMERO 32: November, and a 1/2 Assed Calendar

NOVEMBER!
NOVEMBER!
NOOOOOOOVEEEEMBER!!!!!!!!

Yes, Folks…it is the amazing and wonderful November!

I can’t even believe that it came so fast (and that it is almost over)…I still feel that it could be October (being 2 weeks with zero power really moved the month along…). Anyway, I am in disbelief with how quickly this month is passing…and I STILL HAVE NOT PUT UP NOVEMBER’s “MONTH POST”! (What a Jack Ass I am!)

So here it is readers:

The Thanksgiving season is upon us and just a few days from now, most US citizens will enjoy the sit down, knock out, family fun, worst travel day, eat till you burst, parade filled, first REAL day of the holiday season, and most awesome holiday of the year (somewhat sarcastic)!

People will travel to the middle of no where (once again on the worst travel day of the year), to see family they'd rather not spend an afternoon with (or in my case…3 minutes with) and make amazing mental reasons why it is ok to have 18 pieces of meat today as opposed to what a normal serving size is any other day of the year. It is the day where people eat far more than they should of some of the BEST food they've ever tasted on what is a uniquely American holiday (so to my worldly readers…to bad. so sad, Google and try out Thanksgiving…you will NOT be dissapointed)

So what to do in November and why is it SO grand:

1) Well, unfourtanelty the days are shorter (womp womp)…BUT if you do most your drinking when the sun goes down then GUESS WHAT…YOU HAVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF DARKNESS!...yeaaah plus side! So drink up everyone!

2) November is also great because it makes you realize that you made it through MOST of the year. November is the home stretch…It is a refreshing month…It is the final month to say goodbye to the year and being that December is more of a “Holiday/Festivities” month (I.M.H.O) then I recommend to you readers that you use November as your reflection month (right now I am reflecting on the fact of how I could really use a drink…and a scoop of peanut butter…)

3) The ELECTION is over…SCORE ONE FOR THAT FACT ALONE!...I don’t give a rat’s ass who won (I actually do…but I don’t talk about politics)…not because I am disinterested but because I find it a terrible topic…THE ELECTION IS OVER AND I AM EXCITED because it means no more friends (like I have any) pushing their political rants and bull crap on me when I don’t care. The countless amounts of CRAP Facebook posts I saw in the past few month have been staggering and the methods used to pour them upon people were obnoxious. It came to the point where I would log on and pray that someone uploaded a picture of their ugly kid, or an Instagram photo of a sandwich. BUT FINALLY it is over…(bring back slutty girls who post about wanting a “gentleman” but have their Facebook profile picture set to a picture of them getting motorboated by a stranger on Halloween)

4) Oh speaking of Halloween…November 1^st means you survived Halloween which means you made it through those bad decisions that could have happened.

5) November is a month where it is acceptable for men NOT TO SHAVE…yes everyone…if your guy friend is growing out his stache and starting to look like as axe murderer, biker dude, or someone who might be a frequent entry on a sex offenders list…DON’T WORRY and DON’T JUDGE because it is “NO-SHAVE-NOVEMBER” also known as “Movember” (I can’t participate because I begin looking like a public threat to society after two days)

5) THE FOOD…ALL THE FREAKING GLORIOUS FOOD!!!!

6) Christmas Music Begins to play on the radio and new big budget movies start debuting.

7) THE FOOD!!!

8) It is the fruit pie month…so many fruit pies…Pumpkin Pie…BRING IT ON!

Anyway so what is November known for?

Well November has a lot to offer and is known for many things …however for now I am going to put two things that are near and dear to my heart:

November is “Peanut Butter Lovers Month”…I can’t even handle the epicness of any month that celebrates the awesomeness that is peanut butter…the legume that warms my heart and fills my stomach…as I am writing this I am currently eating a spoonful of Peanut Butter just because knowing it was peanut butter month made my mouth water! Yum!

This may or may not be my Dinner....

November is National Epilepsy Month and if you know me you will know why this is huge to me. So lets raise some awareness and do some research people. Everyone is coming down from the hype of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month but those effected with Epilepsy need some help and support also. It is a terrible thing to have and it flat out sucks. So do you research and figure out how to help! (I will probably post more on this in another post…but until then…I repeat keep it in your mind and support the cause).

Notable Days:

1 All Saint's Day

2 All Soul's Day

3 Sandwich Day

8 Cook Something Bold Day

11 Veteran's Day

17 Homemade Bread Day

17 National Adoption Day

17 World Peace Day

20 Universal Children's Day

21 False Confession Day

22 Thanksgiving - Eat, drink, and be thankful.

23 Black Friday

Here is the Half-Assed Calendar

The Turkey was added to draw attention from the failure...I just couldn't make it work

ANYWAY!, More posts coming soon…

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!