POST NUMERO 44: I'm Back, I'm Not a Fan of February, and I'm Cyber Dating

Two Things:

1. Guess who just got home from a Date...
2. Guess who just remembered their password!

::Points to self:: This Guy!

I had forgotten the password to this blog over 2 years ago and I just spent the past week trying to remember not only the REAL information I put into my profile but also the fake personality I created in order to keep some anonymity...If you forget your password the only thing sites DON'T ask for is a blood sample

It was an ordeal that I can only describe as something similar to the John Cusack movie “Identity” ...which personality real or fake knew what the hell fake email I used and what my fake first pet's name was...

Ray Liotta...great movie...

So I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads blogs. In fact when I click “Next Blog” the only other blog that comes up is a German Blog featuring Bibles quotes and various religious imagery...basically the same thing as this blog...

I guess for this moment... I'll go with “Field of Dreams” logic and say, “If I write it...they will come”

Ray Liotta was also in this movie....

OK, it has been over two years since the last time I posted anything, and the only reason I am posting is because the date went so bad that I thought of topics the whole time.

Let me catch you up on the past 2 years (Here are ten at random):

1. My life has been chaos as normal
2. I still have no Idea what I want to do as a “grown up” or how to act as one
3. I have fell into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery (although harsh sounding, this is not exaggeration)
4. I remember very little of 2014 & 2015
5. I have developed an adorable and endearing habit of making bird noises at people in order to get their attention
6. I probably curse and use profanity about 60% more then I did in Fucking 2013
7. I have added many more items to my list of “Things I can't stand/hate”
8. I have developed an addiction to “On demand”
9. I have had Tina Turners “Private Dancer” stuck in my mind on repeat for the past 2 years
10. I still freaking love Backpacks

OK, so they are not the best facts but it is hard to think when my father is watching “Jersey Boys” at the highest volume down the hall (Not kidding, I am expecting the neighbors to call for a noise complaint any second now)

So,

Sorry not Sorry for not writing...but here are the excuses...

1. My computer broke and I lost everything...I lost all the work on the “Book”...You would think that being born in the era of budding technology I would have learned to back my shit up...but I didn't.
2. I have been using my time on other social media websites...Instagram has grown on me...Snapchat not so much...
3. I now Ebay!
4. Why did no one tell me that blogging is dead! HOWEVER, from what I hear, “Vlogging” is the new “Blogging” and that is not going to happen because the guy behind these words is 185 pounds of Eyebrows and Hostility.
5. I got a new computer...I hate it...If Satan Endorsed a computer it would be the Lenovo IdeaPad 100...
6. Etc...Etc...Etc...

So...It is February...the Shittiest time of the year...

In my opinion, February is the year's equivalent of stepping on something wet when wearing just socks...

It is the most bone-chilling month of the year...February does not fall into the pleasant “Winter Wonderland” type of cold, but is more of a brutal “rips your face off” cold. Sure, November, December, and January are freezing BUT there are holidays and constant food to dull the pain. February has nothing...just sadness, emotions, and cold. It is so bad that even father time made it proportionately shorter then the rest of the other months just so we can get it done faster.

But the Absolute Worst part of February...Valentine's Day...

My quick summary about Valentine's Day: Valentines Day is a grotesque consumerist Hallmark holiday designed to make people feel awful about their lives...It is the worst...

There is only one good thing that has came out of Valentine's Day in the past 30 years...

"I cho-cho-choose you."....

Anyway, so onto the date....it crashed, it burned, and I still had to pay for it.

So how it began:

I recently and hilariously joined online dating...and let me tell you...it is like swimming in an “un-chlorinated” public pool...

I don't know exactly why I joined but I remember who told me to try online dating and they said, “What is the worst that could happen...” or was it “You need all the help you can get...what is the worst that could happen” It was probably more of the second...

So I went to the very popular “PlentyoFish.com”. I set up a profile, picked out a non offensive photo, and wrote something about the things I love (The Walking Dead, Travel, Fresh Fruit, Pizza, Walks on the Beach, and Food). I resisted every urge to write about how I'm a sarcastic Asshole and I tried to stay as normal as possible. I kicked my feet up, and waited for the responses and matches to roll in.

After about 2 weeks I finally got my first message which turned out to be a computer generated response telling me that I did not confirm my account and until I verify my profile I would not be published. Little did I know that would be the most promising email I would receive from that moment on...

Why? Why do I not see the promise?! What is Online Dating?! Well, Online dating is a sad, soul crushing hell where good guys (Like myself) go to die a slow painful death by way of ignored messages, false hope, and empty inboxes.

Like me, most guys will look through profile after profile and send carefully crafted messages that show both interest and attention to detail. ALL of them will not respond...wait, one will....but wait...she is awful...this is how it went tonight:

A “cool” girl wrote me and we made some good conversation back and forth. It was banter at its best and we swapped stories about vacations, our jobs, and our favorite movies. It was going well so I asked her to meet up “in real life.” I wanted something cozy, and fun so I settled on hitting up a bar down the street plus I figured why not start with what I do best, drinking.

We met up there and I am not one to ever be nervous, but, I found myself struggling for conversation...

FUN FACT: I try to stay the same or strive to be better then what I portray online and I was quickly realizing that she was not as pretty or funny as I had hoped she'd be or as her profile stated. Something was different about her photo from how she looked in real life, and I was positive that she had not seen half the movies that we chatted about. None of her profile seemed to jive with what she was saying and the “interests” we shared seemed to be talked about with an almost “just googled it quickly” amount of knowledge. Yet we trudged on, ordered some food for the table, and we chatted. She kept checking her phone...This was the “Crash”

Onto the “Burn”...Then the judgmental ass in me began to emerge...I realized she kept saying how, Her and her single friends are going to be celebrating something called, “GAL-antine's Day” by drinking Mimosas and going to brunch...The word by the end of the night became like nails on a chalk board to my ears.

The conversation went as such:

Me: So tomorrow I have no plans, but I can't stand this cold...it is too cold to do anything

Her: Yeah, me too, but I hope it does not effect my “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

or

Me: So I hear, “The Walking Dead” comes back tomorrow...are you excited?

Her: Yes, can't wait to relax and watch it after “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

I'd say tomato, and she'd say...”Gal-antine's Day!” and then she would check her phone...

No big deal though, I could not fault her excitement about something stupid...and I kindly and warmly kept replying back about; How fun it all sounded and how I hope she has a good time (which I actually meant)...But she talked of nothing else...Nothing...At one point I was just hoping to start an argument just to see if she could find a way to fit GAL-antine's Day into the fight...

BUT WAIT this is where is got really bad, the phone checking...what was the constant phone checking... Then I noticed the fact of how (and I only noticed because I could see the reflection of her phone in the window behind her) she was on TINDER during our date. Yes that is right folks...bitch was Tindering while we were talking about our life goals. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LEFT SWIPING AND RIGHT SWIPING WHILE WE SAT THERE! I was dumb founded and thank you JESUS we went someplace with Booze...

But there was sadly no chemistry...it was just awkward conversation...I called it quits, paid, and went home...was it worth it, not really. Was her profile a bucket of lies and did I find her to be a waste of a night...ABSOLUTLY!

Sitting in the booth with her (as she surfed TINDER and ate my Sweet Potato Fries) my mind wandered...I made some rules to try and combat the pitfalls of online dating:

1. On Internet dating sites everyone is uniquely the same...Everybody loves books and is well-read, everyone enjoys jogging in the park and running marathons, everyone listens to the coolest music and watches the hottest TV shows. Everyone is intellectual, grown-up, refined and perfect...WELL, that is all Bull Crap...Realize that people are trying to sell themselves and nothing makes people more desperate and dishonest then when trying to find love... Don't trust anyone.
   
   
2. 
   
   Watch out for People who misrepresent themselves in their photos or who have thousands of other people in their photo. If the photo looks like a girls Volleyball team photo or the Kappa Kappa Sorority class portrait more then likely I can guarantee that the one you think is the cute one is not the one who owns the profile. It is a trick! RED ALERT! TRICK! Watch I'll Give you an Example...The person the yellow arrows are point to... that is the Girl who actually owns the profile...example:
   
   
   
   
3. People, and it has been proven, have a way to look completely different online because the pictures they use are drastically outdated or heavily edited. Woman are more likely to post a photo looking like Kim Kardashian but in real life look like Caitlyn Jenner. Watch out for this and ask for photos. If you are not a creep and you are actually trying to find love and vice versa then the girl should provide...don't be a dick though and not reciprocate (I'm talking in terms of clean none xxx photos...you be you though...I won't tell you how to live your life...). Ask for photos involving vacations and or life events (If she ran that marathon she should have at least one photo)...it is just a good way to get a better view of who she is.
4. Look out for ANYONE who's profile picture is them posing in a Bathroom Mirror...this is more of a Pet Peeve of mine but I have realized it rings true most of the time. If you are posing in a bathroom mirror...I don't even know...is it the lighting...I'm just going to assume it is the only room in your house...Is it that hard to find a more interesting place to take a photo or to set a timer...Especially being that most the times the photos are either in a public bathroom where I know someone is hiding in the stall until you leave, or in your home where the mirror is covered in dirt and old toothpaste...Just the second I see a reflection I automatically raise the red flag.

Anyway, Tonight Sucked...BUT I'M BACK!

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 43: Haunted Houses, and Surviving the Horror

Hello readers, guess what time it is?…IT IS HALLOWEEN prep time!…

Yes, that’s correct readers…Halloween is right around the corner and it is time for me to get into the spirit…and how better to “feel the fright” then to blog about if from the safety and darkness of my room…

So, last night I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got on the topic of “Haunted Houses”…

“Haunted Houses” are such a typical Halloween attraction to find lurking around town or at the local “Harvest Festival” that they have become synonymous with “Halloween Fun”. In fact when people look for fun things to do for Halloween, haunted houses are inevitably top of the list.

If you can believe...the house on the right is the haunted one...

Now, being that I am a joyless indecisive person, I’m torn on whether I enjoy haunted houses….. With their costumed players, spooky music and darkened rooms, they present a great way to get the daylights scared out of you…all while spending time with your friends or family…

However, when I truly break it down in my mind I just DON’T seem to see how Haunted Houses can be “fun”…

My reasoning is as such…What sadistic bastard decided that walking through a dark house/barn/mansion was a good way of spending quality time with friends?… When did walking through a booby-trapped house of horrors become something fun to do on a October Friday night?

Think about it…you are essentially voluntarily walking into what some would call, “Hell”.

However, honestly, I find a certain allure in them…I find them exhilarating with all the guaranteed fear-in-your-face special effects, animation, and Hollywood-style sets that even the cheapest of haunted houses will have. I do not take for granted the safety in organized uncertainty…it makes my tiny heart race.

However I understand that some do not like this feeling of an impending heart attack while stuck in a dark room. Some House of Horrors have zombies, demons, vampires, psycho killers, and the living dead creeping around every corner…this can cause some haunted houses to be a little too freaking scary, and a little too FREAKING suspenseful for some.

So if you're wondering how you can get through a haunted house without running out halfway through, then here are some of my tips for you readers that will help you when you are dragged along to your “Halloween Night of Fun.”

TIPS FOR SURVIVING A HAUNTED HOUSE

1. The Name of the Game is In the Name: HINT HINT readers…the name gives a hint of what you should expect…follow this trend readers…
   -Petting Zoo: A place where you can PET what one can assumer ZOO animals

-Fun House: A house filled with fun

-Water Park: A place that involves water and is recreational like a park

-HAUNTED HOUSE: A HOUSE THAT IS SEEMINGLY HAUNTED!!

Don’t walk in thinking that it is going to be filled with fluffy bunnies, unicorns, and rainbows…you are pretty much paying for the scare…so Don’t be stupid and walk into it asking “How scary is this?” or the ever more popular and generic, “Is it Scary?” If you are looking for something tame try “Bunny Land” (Unless you have Leporiphobia…then just don’t leave the house…)

2. Ok, so you are one of the hundreds of unfortunate souls, dragged to the haunted house by their friends, you are too scared to even think about the horrors that wait inside…you’re friends are all waiting for you at the entrance of the Haunted House…basically you are hating life. Well stop, because now would be the perfect time to Determine whether you really want to do this or not. If you're somebody who gets easily scared to the point of no return then you may just end up getting badly scared (or scarred for life) and not enjoying yourself at all. Seriously, most of us are grown ass adults of sound mind and judgment so put on your big boy pants, make a choice, and shut the hell up. Make a mental check list or debate the pros/cons with the other voices in your mind (wait, WHAT?! You don’t have other voices?!?!) till you definitely know you want to do this. It's okay not to and it doesn't mean that you're a "chicken" (it might make you a bit of a pansy…but not a chicken). You just didn't want to do it.
3. Scared and Scarred are almost the same word…ONE “R” MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!! Think about it…Do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you might be Scarred for life?! Some people legit have big fears of being scared. They don’t like it…it is ok to be one of those people…Don’t risk being scarred for life.
4. The World is Closer then It seems… Stay close to reality. If you start to get really scared, then calm the fuck down and remind yourself that this isn't real. Tell yourself that it's just pretend, and that it's provided for your “enjoyment”. Look around you…take a deep breath…and center yourself. Think past the moment…what are you doing when you getting out of the place…dinner…drinks…drinks…drinking…more drinks?
5. Read the Rules and Listen to the People… They are there for a reason and give you hints of what might happen…Be very leery of the Haunted Houses that say “Actors may touch you but you may not touch the actors”…because, ya know, you will be touched and not have the ability to “Knock a Bitch out!”
6. Go with someone close to you and you're comfortable around. That way, when/if you get scared, you can hold onto each other. Plus, things don't seem as scary when you've got a friendly face by your side. Go in a group. Things can be scarier when it's just two or three people--you feel more helpless. Try going with a group of at least four (so you can freak out in pairs and are covered in all directions)--things will be more fun and it won't be as scary. As a rule of thumb…take friends that you would not be afraid to fart in front of (what?!...this comment is shocking for me to make). Haunted House fear/ embarrassment has to be on par with…ya know…what I said before… Also, if you go with your best friends and everyone reacts poorly then there is no potential blackmail
7. Don’t Let your guard down but relax and have fun: The last moment is always the worst…When you’re exiting the house that is when they hide the worst scare…they let you seem free and then BAM crazy chainsaw wielding maniac… Enjoy yourself. Don't run around totally freaked out and screaming. Calm down, and enjoy everything--the suspense, the effects, etc. Remember that the only reason the haunted house exists is so that people can have a fun time. So let yourself get spooked--enjoy it!
8. When planning to attend a Haunted House think about your attire: The shoes are especially important, think comfort. Also a hoody or hat to hide your face from the action might help the truly overwhelmed…
9. Realize your surroundings are bigger then they appear: When walking through dark, confined spaces know that the haunted house is built so that you will not hit your head or fall down, you can walk with confidence (unless you are a naturally clumsy person). This is because of safety reasons for everyone. This space provides enough room for crowd reaction and gives ample room to avoid contact with the staff (I call it the swing’n’miss zone…in clearer terms, enough room where the actor scaring you runs no risk of being punched in the face!)

Anyway, Screw the zombies, murderers, and blood…the scariest thing for me at any Haunted House is the Strobe Lights…HA! #epilepsy

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 40: I hate singing children, and KidzBop is torture

So, have a confession to make that not many people know about me…

I really dislike when children sing…

So why am I finally admitting this…because I just watched an ENTIRE show dedicated to finding the toddler version of Beyonce…it was the type of show where children are belting out high notes and butchering the world’s most famous songs all while looking like they are being held hostage by their parents. This was the kind of show where parents say stuff like, “Little Susie was born to sing…she was actually a singing fetus…instead of crying when my wife gave birth, Little Susie came out singing Celine Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On” (these are somewhat realistic quotes from the show…)

Needless to say if I took a shot every time there was a “tone deaf moment” I would pretty much look like this right now…

I would be so Drunk that I can't even express how drunk I'd be in photo...hence censored...

I just really hate when children sing!

--Ok, I just reread the amount of times I used the word “hate” next to the word “children”…and before the world rises up and calls me a terrible person (or MORE of a terrible person) I think I need to rephrase and give some reasoning behind my words… --

Firstly, PLEASE NOTE that I’m not saying that I hate the actual kids who are singing. I love kids, and I teach them daily. I think kids are great and cute at times…I truly think kids are absolutely amazing and my job would be nothing and hollow with out them…

So let me break it down…I love kids…I just hate when the kids sing. I love the noun…hate the verb…I don’t hate the player…I hate the game…GET IT?!

For example…It doesn’t matter if the kid singing is an amazing angelic child, or a demon child but either way…if he/she is singing a song… instant dislike.

I think I have this crazy quirk for a few reasons…

1) If the kid is terrible…it is terrible…and there is NOTHING we can do about it. For example, NO ONE is cruel enough to go up to a parent after the school recital and be like…”Listen, your son is tone deaf, has little talent, and totally ruined every part of that song” nope…because if someone did that…this would happen:

All because of honesty...
You can literally hear the one guy screaming, "TAKE IT BACK!!"

…instead we are subject to singing children and have to smile and nod in order to be part of society.

2) If the kid is good at singing, somehow it’s even worse. First of all, I find it flat out annoying watching some 6 year old go all Christina Aguilera or Celine Dion with the vocal dramatics. If they are good, so be it …but most the time little kids sound like cats in heat… Secondly, for some reason I get incredibly awkward out to realize that small children are way more talented then I’ll ever be (but that is a post for another night)

3) I repeat…most kids sound like a bag of cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat mixed with a screeching car horn… It is just hard to listen to…

4) Usually the kids are singing in a show or recital…and shows in preschool and early elementary school years are always put on exclusively for the parents—at the kids’ expense. I can not help but wonder why when I was a young curly haired Matteo I let someone dress me up in a fish costume, and physically prompt me to sing and do hand motions. I realized I most have looked like a puppet, and an unhappy one at that…I remember the song also…

Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day And seen the little fishes swimming in the bay With their hands in their pockets and their pockets in their pants Doing the hoochy koochy dance

Damn it…if little me had the same attitude as grown up me…SHIT WOULD HAVE WENT DOWN!!!! Firstly, the fuck is that song… Secondly, fish do not have pockets or pants,…and Lastly, Hoochy Koochy sounds like a potential way of getting an STD…

5) A prime example of Children Singing…KidzBop…KidzBop is the ruination of music and perhaps one of the harsher punishments in hell… for those who don’t know the horror that is “KidzBop” …KidzBop is a series of CD’s packed with Billboard’s most overplayed songs…the catch is…each song is sung by children with high-pitched voices, whom are either on some sort of pep pills, or on a bootlegged version of Ritalin. KidzBop is censored to an extreme amount changing lyrics in order to make it “children friendly” and adds in the sounds of children laughing, and having fun to make it more pleasant and appealing for listeners… it is the soccer mom’s go to attempt to make most of today’s music suitable for sing alongs, and young children. The censorship leads to the butchering of good songs or crap songs alike. KidzBop is a huge reason why I hate when children sing! The commercials alone put me into a crazy rage…

The one kid is dressed like Freddy Kruger...

6) It is always the same damn songs…kids sing the same song over and over again…

            - Here Comes the Sun

            - The National Anthem (this one I hate most of all when sung by children)

            - Yankee Doodle (I have a traumatic story about Yankee Doodle…one day I’ll write about it)

            - The Itsy Bitsy spider

            - Stop in the Name of Love (don’t mock it…I’ve sung it)

            - When you Need a Friend

I would maybe enjoy it a little bit more if we got some hardcore rap up in the recital…or some thrift shop…something other then “this land is your land”…something uncensored where the parent’s want to smile but can’t because they would look like terrible parents.

7) Hilariously enough, kids at young ages don’t sing…they shout…the whole point is to shout louder then the person next to you…try it, it is fun to do in public!

8) It is an exploitation of cuteness…

Anyway, I am tired and don’t know why I ranted about this for so long…kind of lost my mind a little…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 27: Post Numero 1...again!!!

HELLO READERS, I decided to Repost my first post ever!...I am getting more subscribers everyday so I might as well give a refresher on who I am...So WOAH, mind trip...flash back...here is my first post from a while...

OH and expect another post soon...and if you have already read this post (which I bet you all have because when stumbling across a random ass blog on the internet I KNOW everyone automatically goes to the first post every made)...reread it and bask in my awesomeness...

POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....

SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....

∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt

The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:

• Name: Matteo Torre
• Age:
• I am Italian
• I am epileptic
• I hate everyone
• I am terrible with names
• I can’t stand politics
• I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
• I am flexible (bendy)
• Liberal crap pisses me off
• I love to teach
• I love kids
• I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
• I may have anger issues
• I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
• Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
• ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!

So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?

Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!



ANYWAY, this was from months ago...
HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon...I promise....

POST NUMERO 26.5: Bucket List Items, and An Explanation

Bucket List Items Number 38, 43, and 44

38: Find the Perfect Volume for my Head phones so no one can hear it but it is still comfortably blasting in my ears.

43: Get into a debate with someone about which is sadder, The Abused Animal Commercials V.S. The Starving Children Commercials

44: Figure out how to eat a Granola Bar with zero crumbs falling and zero mess!

This is what I find in my lap after I eat a Nature Valley Granola Bar....ugh!

As you can see my Autumn bucket list is growing! I hope that if you made one (as per my blog post genius) that you are making progress and adding fun things everyday!

Oh and very quickly…a few posts ago I wrote about how I was trying to type Blogger posts from my IPod while at work…a lot of people emailed asking “Why do I have words next to words?” and "Why, was it all different?" Well it is because when I got home I went and reread the post using my computer and realized that auto correct had gotten its groove on with my wonderful writing. So instead of changing what I actually wrote (being that it was a very organic, half-assed, and quick trial post) I just left what I MEANT to write in parenthesis next to the auto corrected wording…anyway…whatever it was a trial…

Loving the angry Feedback! (Wouldn’t kill some of you to send a compliment…just saying)

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 26: "The Weekend 3rd Degree" and Enjoy your weekend

Welcome to the weekend everyone!!!! So another week of crap done! Coming up, a much needed fall week end... So, what are everyone’s plans?! Come on…I can’t be the only person that believed it seemed like this was one of those weeks that never ended. What happens now?...How does this work for some... How do weekend plans come to fruition. In my world I rarely have plans and usually leave it up to the universe to provide something. Some might call me “boring”, but, In my defense I know few people who have the extensive arrest record that I have (TAKE THAT BORING!). Anyway, so what to do this weekend... I don't know!

So, this may sound funny...but being that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” type of guy...or rather, a “fly by the seat of incredibly overprotective strict parents type of guy”, I sometimes have nothing to do! I am sometimes greatly effected by this but other times I can shirk it off… it however takes a new meaning when I am given the “Weekend 3rd Degree” …what is the “Weekend 3rd Degree”...well it has happened to all of us and It is simple to define…

Weekend 3rd Degree: Noun, When someone asks you what you are going to do during the weekend and you are stuck with no response and have to choose between being vague, admitting you have no life, or lying your ass off. I, in honesty, don't know how to deal with people who constantly ask the question, " So, what are you doing this weekend?"

The "Weekend 3rd Degree" happens also when after someone describes their own amazing and untouchable plans and you are left with nothing impressive to rebuttal with

Now this is how the “Weekend 3rd Degree” goes for me

Friend: "So, after I go bungee jumping and cure world hunger I am going to go adopt a neglected koala bear and nurse it back to health…Matteo what fun and exciting thing are YOU doing this weekend?"

Me: " Oh I am going to drink "

Friend: "Oh golly gee…that sounds like fun...what else are you doing?"

Me: "Drinking...."

Friend: "Golly Gee silly, you said that already...what else?"

Me: "Drink my feelings?"

We will call this, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

It is usually a back and forth type of thing until the other person realizes that I am not joking... or I just turn around silently and walk away...

So, How to deal and live through the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”:

1)      Stay calm…no one but you needs to know you have no life…

2)      Be vague… responses like, “Oh, I am going to have a lot of fun…” work wonders…but sometimes this might back fire as the person asking might want details…

3)      Use the switch tactic…send it back to them…As soon as they finish the question reply back, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!!!”…then casually wait for their response and act like you care by saying things like, “Oh, WOW, that sounds like TONS of fun!!!”

4)      Make something up…who gives a crap…unless you actually have plans or you might run into the person who is asking…make something up!

5)      Honesty might be the best Policy…Admitting you have nothing is the first step…

6)      Just say, “Why?!?” in a abrupt, stand-offish, and defensive manner. Then afterwards say nothing and back out of the room with out losing eye contact and without saying anything else…

7)      Turn it into a pick up line, “Why Girl, you want to get together…”

8)      Scoff and go, “HA, my plans are so much better…” then cause a distraction and get the hell out of there...

9)      Laugh and say, “Me too!”  (this could be awkward being that it might not pertain to you in the least…such as the time my friend said she was going to the Gynecologist and I responded back, ME TOO!)

10)  Kill off a relative….WHAT?!...don’t really do it…but just say you have to go to a funeral…nothing can top a funeral…

So those are just a few ways to combat the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”

Anyway, I am sure something will materialize for this amazing weekend...ugh…everyone enjoy the break…

AND REMEMBER OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!...so SPREAD THE WORD AND FIGHT THE FIGHT!!! TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!”

More posts coming soon everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Post Numero 34: It is (almost) October

Ok…so…IT IS OCTOBER!!!! (almost October...but the excitement is overwhelming me...2 hours left till it is officially October her in this part of the world)

And readers…who are you kidding…EVERYONE loves October!

Think about it.  With the exception of the freak chill happening, the weather is gorgeous. (Even though for the past two Octobers we have been through two MAJOR blizzards…but let us not think about that now).  In October the leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you're an outdoorsy type, there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else one might do that doesn't include air conditioning (drinking outside, hiking outside with drinks, bad decision outside with fun time).  If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds.  The cultured among us can enjoy a new season of symphony and opera, and even the couch potato is finally freed from summer reruns. And of course LOTS OF “FALL-CAHOL”!

No matter who you are and what you like, there's something great about October. 

Then a cherry on top of the major awesome "monthification", Halloween caps off the month, which is one of the few light hearted days that present a rare opportunity for adults to use their imaginations to find a creative costume, go to a party and act like children for a night in our otherwise stuffy, overworked, miserable, blech, work year. and of course I repeat October is a GREAT TIME for “FALL-cahol”

Everyone wins. 

I love October. 

I will put up a calendar post soon

3 posts in one day, with more coming soon…whoa!

Cheers, Saluti, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 33.29: Bucket List #29

So with the fall bucket list happening I decided to add this to the list:

Readers, I will let you decided which one is "Nice Guy"

29) Find a ridiculous horse…name horse “Nice Guy”…enter him in a horse race…make sure he finishes last…Laugh at the irony of how “Nice Guy finished Last”

HAHAHAHAHAHA…I crack myself up…

More posts coming soon!

Keep sending me feed back and check your inbox for my responses

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

POST 32.29: Hollie

So, quickly...this is a quick shout out to a good friend (with great calves) whom started reading my blog today!

HI HOLLIE!!!!!!!

this posts may seem pointless...but guess what...I enjoy making them

Hi Hollie,
Wonderful being friends with you! You and I share many traits in common... I would list them but frankly i can not at this point in time...how rather anticlimactic...but i give you these words of advice...

Anyway...more posts coming soon...HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 30: Breathing, and Your Brain is Screwing You!

Alright, so I KNOW this has happened to everyone…don’t even lie readers because even if it has not…then be prepared…something horrible is about to happen…

I warn you readers…this post will make normal bodily functions feel awkward…immensely awkward…so Readers Beware

Ready:

Think about how you breath…is it slow?…is it loud?…does it make a slight whistle noise when you exhale?…Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? How big of an inhale do you take?...Does you chest move up and down a lot, or a little?

I don’t know…but now that I have made you aware of your breathing…you can’t figure out how to get it out of your mind!

Some of you are now wondering why is your breathing “happening like that!”

Some of you might now be breathing harder or trying to slow the pace…

Some of you might just be holding your breath and panicking…

Or, some of you might do what I did…which is forget how to breath!

I am doing it right now! UGH, my mind has fallen victim to my own writing…

Alright, why am I writing about this…well, because yesterday at church I became completely aware of my breathing and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!

No joke…I was horrified…sure I was probably just being crazy…but I just could not stop what I thought sounded like a mixture of a Vuvuzela and a Light Breeze…

Ok, now, stop thinking about your breathing (if you can)…inhale..exhale…calm…

I was so embarrassed during the mass...I just could not control the idea of “breathing normally”…My brain had went into overdrive to screw with me and then (from what I could remember) I began to pant like a dog…then I couldn’t remember how to breath at all…(which REALLY made matters COMPLETELY worse!)

Now that I know some of you can compare or relate…what else is comparable to the “Noticing your Breathing” awkwardness?…An awkwardness syndrome caused by our brain's ability to act independently with the sole purpose of messing/screwing/fucking with us…

So here are some other examples of Brain Treachery:

The moment when you realize how you actually walk. This one is difficult because many factors come into play and can be perceived as awkward while walking. Next time you stand up take notice of such factors as: Does your walk appear to others as a constant running pace?...Does it look like your hips are running away from the rest of your body? Do you walk on a tilt or perhaps parts of your body lag behind? Do you take tiny or big strides? Do you flail? Do you swing you legs like a puppet? Are you the person who accidentally matches the pace of whoever is walking with you or accidentally creates a new pace…It is very strange…but the next time you walk…suddenly (because of your mind and perhaps this blog post) you might become aware of what your legs are doing (I love my walk…my hips are everywhere…but then again…what else is new)

Another one of my favorite examples (and by favorite I mean…one of the top examples I am horrified of) is what does your “listening face” look like.  We all have a “paying attention” face…the one we slap on in class when we are trying to look interested. Yet, few know what their face looks like when they read or if one is just standing idle…does your mouth gape open…do you squint…do you look ridiculous… Think of it…the next time you stare off into space…what does you face look like when you don’t remember your face is there. I have witnessed my own idle face on accident…it was not a good look…picture a face consisting of an “open mouth, angry wide eyes, and a whole lot of eyebrow at varying hieghts” all while still having a complete blank expression.

I just…I don’t even know…Welcome to the Way the Brain gets back at you for all those thoughts and actions you think go by the wayside…

SCREWING YOU OVER ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME!!!

Anyway...just wanted to write something...

More Posts Coming Soon

Lots of feedback and emails I have to reply to!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!