POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28: Tips for WATCHING Scary Movies

Alright, So…It is October and I have been indulging in a guilty pleasure that I did not even know I had…watching horror movies…

Alright, That is my first Lie of this post…I LOVE horror movies…I find them stupid…I find them awesome, I find them entertaining, I find them ridiculous…I just really enjoy them…

I mean if it says anything about me…my two current favorite Television shows that I never miss are The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story…which both have a horror thing going for them…OR maybe I am just a freak…

Anyway…

I just really enjoy them…however, I have come to the realization that they are an acquired taste…Some people can not even manage to make it through the first five minutes of any film or anything traditionally “scary”…

Now I will also admit…sometimes the genre gets TOO INTENSE even for me…I will closes my eyes or plug my ears but mostly I try and make it through…My method revolves around turning a negative into a positive (HA!, because I am SUCH a positive person) I find a way to make what I am watching HILARIOUS (rather then bloody, hellish, and scary as fuck).

Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step.

everybody...SCREAM!

2)      Have lots of snacks…Eat your Fear…Also, limit your caffeine intake prior to watching a horror movie. You don’t want to be all jittery and hyped up while watching a scary movie it will heighten the jumpiness induced by the scary scenes… PLUS put a top on what you're drinking when you watch a horror movie. This will prevent you from spilling your drink and embarrassing yourself if you jump during a scary scene. Your lap, your friend’s lap, and everyone around you probably would not appreciate being covered in soda, water, or other drink (in my case, vodka).

3)      Make it a drinking game…so many possibilities…things are less scary when you are drunk…or at least when I am drunk…HA! In fact…make it “drink easy”, examples: drink every time someone screams, anytime there happens to be a random violin noise, and anytime someone uses a word with a vowel.

4)      If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black magic and practices, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion...well then, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING HORROR MOVIES ANYWAY!!…go to the fucking water park or something…or if you still have a hankering for watching a scary movie go over a friend’s house (if you have friends…you might just be the town pariah)!

5)      Pay attention to the moments you can relax…use them to your advantage…More then likely in scary movies crap does not go down during the day…it just doesn't when there is sun there is safety (or more safety)…Also if people are talking or giving key plot details nothing is going to be popping out…use these moments to make sure you are prepared for the next scare (I.E...make yourself more comfortable)…AND REMEMBER, SHIT HITS THE FAN AT THE END OF SCARY MOVIES so be prepared for the shock.

6)      We all have THAT friend who screams bloody murder, grabs, and flails when they get scared (you know who you are). Those people make other people scared thanks to their inability to not scream and act like a spastic mess. Stay far away from them. They're scarier than the movie. Put them in a corner with other screamers. It helps. It really does…

7)      Have the remote handy…for the fast forward option…I don’t like missing or stopping the film because that prolongs what could be a torturous bloody scare-a-thon…but fast forwarding shows what needs to be shown and also adds in a hilarious slapstick quality to it all.

8)      Find Hilarity in ALL…we all know the “Scary Movie Rules” and “Scary Movie Clichés”… Some of these movies are based completely on sheer stupidity and ridiculousness…so what may seem IMMENSELY scary can (when looked at in a different way) can be actually hilarious.

9)      Know that you are watching a damn scary movie…it is NOT supposed to be calm and relaxing…it is supposed to make you uneasy and have an adrenaline rush, so know that you are going to get scared… being prepared helps you NOT get caught off guard. I mean you wouldn't expect Jason to pop up behind someone holding a fluffy rabbit and the cutest damn puppy ever?

10)  Safety in numbers…watch with friends…it helps…and when you are all together feel free to chant, “it is only a movie, it is only a movie, it is only a movie…”

Anyway, I hope everyone is getting their freak on and HAPPY WEEKEND!  Use these rules the next time you pop on a scary movie…or maybe Bambi (this is a joke from a movie…I don’t remember which movie…but feel free to tell me which in an email).

Fall is progressing nicely and expect a few more posts coming up soon! I promise I am already working on a few posts for the upcoming week...HOPE everyone is finalizing their Halloween Plans

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 33: Music Video Mode

HEY READERS!

So now that it is fall I have been enjoying taking my lunch breaks outside. The weather has been perfect (aka: not hot as hell or cold as fuck).  

So, where I work, my lunch break is 45 minutes long and is a nice chunk of time to just sit outside and relax. I go out onto the lawn of the school…aka the curb by my car…I take only the basics stuff which are my phone, my IPod, and my hostility (I bet half of you thought the word “vodka” would be on this list…but I AM a responsible adult sometimes…HA!) …

Anyway… the only way I can survive the daily onslaught of work is by shoving in ear buds and listening to songs that make me feel like a badass. Songs that convince me I am more powerful than the environment around me. I enjoy going off on my own because when dealing with the job I need to break away from people (especially those who kick, scream, and cry all the damn time)…So this time “away” is when I get into my “Music Video Mode”

Alright, I know readers…What the Hell is “Music Video Mode”?

Ok, “Music Video Mode” is the feeling you get when listening to music in a dramatic or inspirational setting that is reminiscent of something that could be filmed…in simple words…it feels like someone could film you and be like “wow” that looks cool… It is the sense that you get where something is dramatic and a sense of reality fades away. I get this feeling ("Music Video Mode") all the time because I have a wide selection of music that fits into numerous settings and my mind always wanders…plus I think someone has been filming me lately so…maybe I am in a music video…gulp…

Now “Music Video Mode” for me kicks in the most in two different instances:

1)      When I am running. I love “Music Video Mode” when I am running because it makes time pass by quickly and is a great distraction for when I am dying on the ground trying to breath (I am most definitely not the healthiest of people so listening to music also help past the time for the paramedic to arrive). Also “Music Video Mode” happens because I am a VERY dramatic runner. When I run, I act like a fool and air drum and jump over things and act like I am being all bad ass by running on park benches and swinging from tree branches. This also happens when I am walking or strutting my stuff haha…so it just feels very music video appropriate

2)      When I am chilling out with headphones outdoors (such as when I am on my lunch break)

This would be what my CD cover would look like...."Matteo...On a Park bench...At Night" 

Anyways how to have the “Music Video Mode” sensation:

1)      Find the right music and add it to a play list…MY play list has a bunch of CRAP songs on it…bad songs…good songs…great songs…but non-the-less all the songs are ones that I love to listen to. The use of the playlist adds in NO surprise song pop ups. Think of it like this…you don’t want to have to switch six songs in order to get into your groove and ruin the moment…

2)      Find a breeze…Alright it may sound stupid but trust me…the breeze just adds in classiness. Feel the breeze rush through your hair and look into it if you want added drama and intensity.

3)      Find THAT exact point between shade and sun…ya know…that point where the shade meets the sun…for example a leafy pasture or wooded area filled with deer and other cute rodent like creatures

4)      Play with your emotions…we all have crazy ass thoughts running through our minds...driving us crazy…we all have moments like this, right? Moments when we need a hot soundtrack to get us through a tough situation, or a happy one, or that feeling of being bored off your ass? Whatever it is, it calls for the right music to make it better. Think of it as a soundtrack for your life…so put that music on anddddd….

5)      LOOK OUT INTO THE DISTANCE…look out…not at anything…Just look out into the distance and squint…It does not matter if you are looking into the sun itself…let your corneas burn! In fact with the loss of vision and the fact of how your eyes will dry out so quickly from lack of blinking your sense of hearing will heighten bringing the music video experience to life.

6)      When in doubt…dance it out…Feel free to sway and clap and shake it down…

Anyway, just as a warning…you may look like a moron to everyone else around you…but enjoy the feeling!

SO…..

LAST DAY OF SEPTEMBER EVERYONE!!!

More Posts coming soon!

Holidays coming soon!

SUNDAY IS UPON US!!!

Church and Cereal

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

POST 32.29: Hollie

So, quickly...this is a quick shout out to a good friend (with great calves) whom started reading my blog today!

HI HOLLIE!!!!!!!

this posts may seem pointless...but guess what...I enjoy making them

Hi Hollie,
Wonderful being friends with you! You and I share many traits in common... I would list them but frankly i can not at this point in time...how rather anticlimactic...but i give you these words of advice...

Anyway...more posts coming soon...HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!

POST NUMERO 21: Running to Work and No Shirt, Shoes, or Service

So I have not been in the writing mood lately (as you can see by my absence)…I think it is because my summer fever has hit an all time high…the last post was pathetic and I actually am somewhat ashamed at how many Russians I have lost as followers…so “прости меня” Russia!!

Anyway, So today readers I tried a whole “not driving into work because I wanted to save gas and also be healthy thing” AKA “my car was on empty and I have no friends who could have driven me the 4 minutes to work”…So like any “sane professional” I decided to run to school and arrive a sweaty mess.

Ok so running to work had its positives and negatives

Positives:

-I felt like a freaking exercise maniac

-I kept telling myself, “Look at me being all healthy… and Running…stuff”

-I got to school with an abnormal amount of energy

-I woke up this morning and it was sunny so I got to enjoy the weather a little bit more

-I bought myself another day of delaying paying for gas

-I got to rock out to blasting music while running

-If anyone saw me running…it might have been a turn on??? (HAHAHA DOUBT IT!!! I RUN LIKE A MORON)

Negatives:

-My scanty-European-flimsy shorts could be considered “inappropriate for work”

-I had to change clothes when I got to school

-I arrived an angry mess

-I was a sweaty beast upon arrival

-I run on a main road

-I hate running

-I run really funny and I flail

-With no car…I had nothing to cry in, and eat in during my lunch break

-I really hate running

But I enjoyed it…I felt stupid…but I really enjoyed it…

Anyway…NEW THOUGHT

So, it was funny (at least to me)…Today I ran into the grocery store quickly in order to buy some of my necessary items (booze, cigarettes, and of course…toothpaste) and while checking out I saw the very cliché “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE” sign. Seriously, I understand that this sign DOES have significance in certain places…but seriously…

ONE, the place I walked into should NOT be that picky…as far as convenience stores go…this one is a dive...

TWO, I don’t really know a lot of people who drive around places and strip off their clothes or are already half naked upon arrival (unless at the beach)

THREE, Ok so I need a shirt, and I need some shoes….but LOOP hole…I don’t need pants

FOUR, I live in an area where it is not very likely to have people walk around half naked (slutty is a different story)…I live in very much the definition of suburbia

FIVE, I repeat…why leave the LOOP hole that is pants...Pants Off, Dance Off

Then being the wise ass I am…I had to ask…”How often do you ACTUALLY have to enforce that rule”…and the employee’s response was…”I never even noticed that sign was there” (the sign was large)

But really, I don’t exactly understand these signs…or maybe I am just not used to them…I feel it is one of those “down the shore”/ ”at the beach type of things”. Having grown up in Italy the signs usually say “Clothing Optional” as opposed to the “No…No…No Service”.

When I was there last I think I only wore a shirt to go out at night and the same for shoes. People were barefoot and shirtless and surrrrre it might not have been proper but people were sure as hell not denied service. It was very liberating…

Same thinking should be utilized down the shore when, believe it or not, people actually walk around with just swim trunks on these signs can be appropriate…but still, I don’t know why I find this concept so hard to wrap my head around. Maybe I just enjoy being half naked…I really enjoy walking barefoot…but those signs just make me think and become confused…It is kind of like when I see “no smoking signs” in illogical places. For example, when I see them in elementary school classrooms...

DAMN IT, I knew I should not have removed that sign....

However, I do take notice of one thing…and in my opinion…(here comes my PSA that contradicts this whole post) shoes are very necessary when walking around in public stores. I see it as a HUGE liability…you would not want to step on anything sharp, harmful, or hazardous. However…the shirt thing…I guess it is a distraction, or a way to negate unfortunate people from being undressed in public?

However a person has dominion over his/her own body…

THAT’S WHY I SAY CONFIDENTLY:  NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO PROBLEM!

In fact…lets make a new sign with some bigger issues…when is someone going to create the

NO FOOD, NO ALCOHOL, NO FUN sign

Or my version

NO VODKA,  NO VODKA, NO HAPPYNESS sign

More posts coming soon, I Promise…

FOR NOW

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!