POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 26.5: Bucket List Items, and An Explanation

Bucket List Items Number 38, 43, and 44

38: Find the Perfect Volume for my Head phones so no one can hear it but it is still comfortably blasting in my ears.

43: Get into a debate with someone about which is sadder, The Abused Animal Commercials V.S. The Starving Children Commercials

44: Figure out how to eat a Granola Bar with zero crumbs falling and zero mess!

This is what I find in my lap after I eat a Nature Valley Granola Bar....ugh!

As you can see my Autumn bucket list is growing! I hope that if you made one (as per my blog post genius) that you are making progress and adding fun things everyday!

Oh and very quickly…a few posts ago I wrote about how I was trying to type Blogger posts from my IPod while at work…a lot of people emailed asking “Why do I have words next to words?” and "Why, was it all different?" Well it is because when I got home I went and reread the post using my computer and realized that auto correct had gotten its groove on with my wonderful writing. So instead of changing what I actually wrote (being that it was a very organic, half-assed, and quick trial post) I just left what I MEANT to write in parenthesis next to the auto corrected wording…anyway…whatever it was a trial…

Loving the angry Feedback! (Wouldn’t kill some of you to send a compliment…just saying)

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 32: The Leasing of Furniture

Alright so,

Firstly…I came to the realization last night that I never used a GOOD friend's code name in really any post...so to make up for it.... I am going to just write it 10 times…so she knows I care:

Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie (not even her real name)

Tonight I went to Judie and Lens house and OH BOY! What a fun time. Whenever we get together it is always a fun time (reread the post about going night swimming down the shore and how we were almost “naaaaked and arrestedddd” ). There was a tornado warning and it stormed like a bitch. I drove 20 miles an hour and while stopping into the liquer store to buy supplies for the evening the cashier asked me what the weather was like outside (I was so wet and windblown that my clothes were see through)

Anyway, a few hours with them always does the mind good and I always learn many things…

Firstly…how nice it is to reconnect with old friends…so I saw a friend I have not seen since last year around this time…it is not that we have not tried to get together but her and I have not exactly had the easiest of schedules to incorporate “friendly bonding/bitching time”. Her name is Zucchini (this is a COMPLETE codename…basically, being that I suck with names, the first time I met her I completely and totally forgot her name…a name that is mighty exotic and amazing…so I thought she said Zucchini and I referred to her as such for months until I was finally corrected). Anyway she is kind of awesome and I just enjoy her company…So readers…I challenge you to go and find a friend and reconnect and just go for it because it is a fun fuuuuuuuuuun time.

Secondly... So amongst the group we get into meaningless conversations about growing up…tonight’s conversation revolved around an obscure financial burden that comes along with growing up. This obscure financial burden revolves around, “Leasing Furniture”.

I understand why people do lease furniture.

I have never leased furniture nor do I think I could because I need the security of knowing the couch I accidently keep drooling on is completely mine. However, it was hilarious hearing Judie, Len, and Zucchini swap stories. I have heard of leasing cars but NEVER furniture (Damn that fucking “life bubble” I grew up in). Do I really want to be paying off an ottoman for the rest of my life. So, how do I explain leasing furniture in my opinion…alright so I think leasing furniture is fine but what the real issue is (and we decided this amongst the group) is the hilarity of having to pay the bill. I mean think about it…you go and get the mail…you look through it…phone bill, cable bill, water bill, electric bill, and then you come to the envelope that tells you that the pillows on your reclining Lazyboy sectional are not technically yours yet or paid for yet. Think about it readers…all those bills and then the cherry on the top of the sundae which is a bill detailing the pending price of the object more then likely your ass is sitting on at that moment. I don’t know why I find it so funny. Plus, think about this…you can’t make the payments…what happens next…the furniture store comes and repossess a couch…CRAP…where will I sleep when I have arguments with my future wife (psh…we all know I am dieing alone and now I am also dieing couchless...). I feel like I need to create a Mafia to enforce the rules of leasing furniture…a secret underground taskforce to make sure people are paying off their couches, tables, and beds.

I picture the people dressed all in black coming to the door and saying things like, “ You didn’t pay this month…and if you can’t pay for the couch…then you're getting the ouch"

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!

More Posts coming Soon!!

POST NUMERO 28.5: Email from a Fan, and the Difference an "O" makes...

OH! Fun story…While checking the email associated with “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass”  I stumbled upon a very angry and anonymous email from a reader whom complained that I was very ____________ in the way I write (I left it blank because you will see the word I want to write below…can’t spoil it)…here is the email:

“  Youre blog is so Emu an stupid. You rite like Emu Trash! Why do you have to be Emu! I am stopping reading cause all your post the same Emu shit. Why do you write? You should stop writing so Emu and write interesting storys. Your blog sucks an Emu writing is bad.

xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com  ”

HOW CAN I RESIST NOT SHARING THIS!!!

I mean it is tremendous...

I need to find a way to reply...

So, I, in my ability to not be able to reply due to the anonymous quality of the email (and believe me...I tried...I tried reeeal reeeeal hard) will do so in this fashion…so here I go:

Dear Reader,

Oh yes, I apologize to you, o random reader, for the occasional “emu” post. I myself, shudder when I read the underlying angst of how “emu” I can be. Rereading my posts I truly recognize the dark underlying tones when writing about topics such as the Sloppopotamus, and partying. Perhaps that’s a sign of my growing maturity? Perhaps it just shows that I am not grown enough? Perhaps it shows that I write most my blog posts in between commercials or bites of food? PERHAPS, it shows that one night I decided to start a blog in hopes that I can one day have fame, fortune, and an assortment of fine cheeses filling my refrigerator. Either way anonymous reader…I must point out one thing…

THIS IS AN EMU!!!:

However, with the amount of times you called my writings a word describing the native flightless bird of Australia I have come to believe that you did not mean to write that word…perhaps you meant to write “Emo”…perhaps you did not…I would love clarification…until then let me teach you somewhat about the Emu

The plural of Emu is Emus and it is a common mistake to spell them “Emi”or “Emuses.” Emus are soft feathered brown flightless birds…they have thin necks and very thin legs…they are flightless yet have the ability to travel GREAT distances on foot. They run in a very fast trot at an average speed of 40 miles per hour and are mostly nomadic. Emus do not eat great amounts, but, Emus ingest stones, glass shards and bits of metal to grind food in their digestive system. They drink infrequently

So in honesty…I would be proud to be an Emu (except for the Drink infrequently part)

Sincerely,

Matteo Torre

Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass Writer

All-Around-Badass

Keep the emails coming…I love the feed back…also Google allowed me to add in a “REACTIONS” tool where you are allowed to click on if you liked the post or not…I would appreciate any reader’s feedback…anyway...the Reactions Tool looks like this

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 28:Going Back to Work and Fall Tips

Sometimes, like right now, I suddenly sit bolt upright, shake my head, and scream (in my own head)
WTF am I doing?!?

So as Summer 2012 finishes I realize I have accomplished little or nothing that I had planed…Zippo…nada…zilch…EPPERS!

But don’t worry…I know summer 2013 is fast approaching…along with Christmas…and new years…and DAMN IT this was a suck-tastic summer...

Anyway, I slightly enjoy this time of year because I get flashbacks to when I was younger. Back when a curly haired, innocent, adorable, and non-cynical Matteo used to hop and skip his way to school. Whose idea of “getting wild” was fighting trees during recess. Whom would drool over back to school items and could not wait to going crashing and crackling through lead piles. I really was cute back then…really really cute…but then I grew up and now…ehhhh…such is life…

So now that I am a grown up this time of year primarily means…::drum roll::

GOING BACK TO WORK!!!

And BACK TO WORK I GO!

But, Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?

I spent all summer dreading going back to teaching…however, now that it has started I have begun to get back into the rhythm of it all…why fight the inevitable…

Anyway here are a few Matteo tips to help transition back into the real world and out of summer mode…

1)      Declutter…as soon as Labor Day hits I make it a point to already have cleaned out my room and put away all stuff that rarely comes out during any other part of the year…this includes stuff such as Sun block, extra sunglasses, beach passes, baseball hats, and other “what-evers” that just might bring about that sudden summer mode.

2)      Hide your freaking beach gear…the second that Labor Day comes around I put away all the beach gear…I pack away the beach chairs, beach umbrella, and beach toys and put them all in the basement. I also put the beach towels and blankets back into the closet…With all of it hidden away there is no need to see them as I jet off to work in the mornings and torture my mind with dreaming that I could be lounging around on sand and surf…Out of Site…Out of Mind

3)      The dreaded but necessary switching of the clothing…once again this pains me to do as I organize my stuff and put away my summer clothing…I don’t put them far (just incase I feel like quitting life and running away to some island) but I just reorganize my closet so a pair of jeans is closer for the choosing over a pair of shorts and a pair of sneakers is easier to find then a pair of flip flops. It just makes life easier…plus if you are like me…you can still probably smell the beach and sun on MOST of your summer clothes so it is better to have them away then having them be a fragrant temptress ready to help you freeze your ass off.

4)      Start doing fall things…for example…I planted a pumpkin! (Little joys in life)

5)      Work starts…start working…

6)      School starts…start schooling…

7)      Start the PLEASANT autumn thoughts early: the cooler weather, the autumn colours and smells, the first fire in a fireplace on a crisp autumn evening, the craving for pumpkin soups and pies, the wind rustling through the thinning trees…It is not the brilliant sound of waves crashing or the amazing heat of summer…but autumn has wonderfully vivid moments that you can notice and ENJOY during the commute to work or just when taking a breather…

8)      Switch your drink…trade Corona for Fall Lager, then trade Vodka…with well, VODKA!! (vodka…the season defying drink)

9)      For those still in school and who work till mid afternoon…TRULY UTILIZE the thinning time between ending of school or work and sunset. As fall comes around in my neck of the United States it begins to get dark around 6ish…so for that short time in between I have been trying to go outdoor “hiking” or  “jogging” (I don’t know why I put those words in sketchy air quotes but my fingers did it with out my mind realizing…soooo…my subconscious must be trying to tell me something…)

10)  Stock up on cold medications, and refill ALL necessary sickness combating stuff…this just safeguards for when the day DOES begin to suddenly get colder at night and you get the sniffles

11)  DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS…(I repeat…I planted a pumpkin)…Just do something that you can look forward to after work…work sucks…everyone knows it…but in order to keep sane…plan a few nights out, do a game night, drink and eat…people take an awkward pause because they are all depressed about saying goodbye to summer and then well into fall they actually begin to utilize the season…well blah blah blah…just keep it interesting…and don’t take the break because of work. EVERYONE uses work as an excuse but just use it to heighten the fun at night…

12)  DON’T TALK ABOUT WORK UNLESS YOU ARE AT WORK…my policy when I get home is that “WHEN AT HOME…I DO NOT…IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…TALK ABOUT WORK!!!” Why do I want to ruin my intro to fall by talking about the bastard that is work!...Just leave it out…and use any down time to just enjoy the moment

13)  Some people I have talked to have very awkward limitations on what traditions can be transferred from Summer into Fall…one of the biggest examples of this is I see people lugging in their BBQs while driving home from school…I think that a BBQ is a wonderful way of keeping calm during impending fall and as the work load commences…not everything has a very true start and finish point and a Hamburger is amazing no matter what…so keep BBQing!

14)  So I enjoy being outdoors…the air is just so crisp…but I also pride myself on being a couch potato…soooooo…find something to watch at night so it distracts you…most shows start the first or second week of September so pick something and go with it…it could be a returning show or something new…but it is just nice to find that series or show that you can turn on and rely on to pass time…(come on American Horror Story and come back on!). Some nights I enjoy just going with the flow and picking a show at random (especially if it is a drama it gives me something to think about on the ride to work…)

15)  NO IT IS NOT COLD…it is COLDER! What?! Ok so…as WEEK AGO it was 70…this week it is 65…some how though (and I suffer from it as well) we all think it is suddenly FREEZING outside! However, just bring some layers…it helps at work especially when air conditioners might still be set to max chill. Plus you might be cold because you did not follow tip number 3 and are still running around looking like a beach threw up on you.

16)  Don’t fall for the decoy HOT day…Mother Nature can totally be a bitch at times and make an upcoming day in the upcoming months a very believable scorching summer day…but don’t fall for it and be like YEAH IT FEELS LIKE JUNE! LET’S ALL CAR POOL DOWN TO THE BEACH DURING OUR LUNCH BREAKS! SUMMER IS HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Because it is not…and it won’t be…and it will rather embarrassing and disappointing the next day when you are known as the, “Person who freaked out because of warmth”

I don’t know…I want to give more tips but (aside from sheer lazyness)…basically…even though work has started and summer has came to a close…keep up spirits everyone! Do not make the awkward “womp womp” sad pause and rather just jump in with both feet…anyway…more posts coming soon…now that it is fall I am going to try and write more (what a hollow promise...damn it!)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 22: HE-double hockey sticks, and thundering f__ks

So I was trying to fit this in as a third “Sunday-Funday” post… but this has turned into a Monday night post…but eh…it happens…but guess what…it is now become a Tuesday night post…

So today I was listening to the radio and one of my new favorite songs came on, Payphone by Maroon 5…now I am a huge fan of the band and they are high on my list of people I would love to meet in real life and hang out with. So as I am listening to the song and I am hearing these awkward gaps in the lyrics…everything was rhyming…everything seemed to be going smoothly…but something was missing…as I sat and listened through the song concentrating hard on the lyrics and swerving all over the road…I realized the song was being censored…so when I got home…I decided to delve into the YouTube world and listen to the “uncensored version”…and wowza…I LOVE ME SOME PROFANITY!

I love when people use “bad language” and curse in normal conversation and I love when I hear it in music. I for one try to keep my vocabulary as cuss free, proper, and clean as possible (everyone reading this who ACTUALLY knows me, probably just rolled their eyes) but I can’t help but drop a few f-bombs from time to time.

I did not start using “bad language” until around 7^th grade and even then I felt like cursing was the equivalent of setting something on fire or grand theft auto. I would go about my day saying words like “narf”, “dang”, and the ever stupid “fudge”.

My first time cursing in public was when I was reading a story out loud in 6^th grade and in the reading was the word HELL (dun dun dunnnnn). I was so scared by the word and the possible repercussions of saying it that I (to save the virgin ears of the other students and my teacher) pronounced the word hell as “H-E- double hockey sticks” and when my teacher said it was ok to say “it” I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and the class gasp. It was traumatizing and I will remember it to this day…the giggling still haunts me every time I close my eyes…

...just saying it makes me feel dirty....

Anyway, I know that some people grew up with cursing…but I seriously grew up with the idea that bad words were a direct way to get hit with a wooden spoon (crazy Italians)…in fact now that I look back on my childhood…my parents actually cursed a lot…just not in English…

In honesty…I am sure some folks can remember when they actually heard their first "f__k" or "s_it." I even remember when my brother, Silvio, started using curse words (it was during a baseball game…he was pitching…and cursing A LOT…The Torre family took T-ball very seriously)

Anyway, sometimes I feel like there is a need for a good “curse”…for example…

If something drops on your foot…curse

If someone cuts your off while driving…curse

Your friend becomes a Sloppopotamus…curse

You become a Sloppopotamus…curse

You wake up from a coma…curse

Papercut…curse

Curse…curse…curse…curse

I however get extreme satisfaction when certain people curse and the methods of there verbal dirtiness

For example…I have an uncle who starts every conversation with “OH SHIT!” …it could be the most innocent of conversations…but every line starts with “OH SHIT!”:

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Did you see what your aunt made for dinner?

Matteo/Me: Yes Uncle Torre

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Doesn’t it look good?…OH SHIT. You know why she made it?…because OH SHIT!, she loves you!!.

My father’s favorite curse: “Sonna-bitch-an-bastard” 

say it really fast and combine everyword…he uses it for everything…

I feel also to lighten up and add some new punch into curse words (as well as some good practice for the SATs) is to add some sort of colorful adjective before hand…my adjective of choice is: “thundering”

Examples
She can be a real "thundering b-tch" when she is angry!

I just really enjoy the idea of cursing…I forgot what movie or show I was watching once where it talked about how, “truly, there are so few words in the English language…so we might as well you them all”.

So what makes swear words so “taboo” and what makes people feel uncomfortable when using them? I have no idea…

I will post more soon!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 21: How to Get in Line

SUNDAY FUNDAY!

Hello Readers!

So it is Sunday, and if you have not realized from my past posts, that means Church and Cereal!!!

Ok so, today my day started off in a bright way with going to church and then (without realizing) the church was holding a reception afterwards!...I love church…but church followed by food I love even better! Anyway, there was a reception after the mass for an induction of a new deacon and this reception consisted of a light lunch of numerous different sandwiches and refreshments. The place was PACKED to capacity and it was amazing to see how people were lined up well into the parking lot to fill their plates with various pasta salads, sandwiches, and mini quiches. I repeat, the place was packed!

However, no worries, I am a professional when it comes to being able to weave in an out of places in order to get something (In this case food). No way in hell was I skipping out on shrimp salad sandwiches and turkey wraps!! So I had to play dirty, I am so freaking good, that by the time people had even realized…I was walking away confidently with a plate full of food avoiding and ignoring the line behind me. How? Well let me tell you… here is some of my golden hints (insert some angelic music/noise)

Mind you these tips go for a lot of events where there are lines, serve yourself buffet events, free stuff giveaways, or if you need to just cut in line for something.

I am going to speak in terms of a event such as the one above where I was waiting in line (or at least supposed to be) for food. These are important to guarantee you get to the good food before it all runs out (in other words…these tips can get you the steak as opposed to the vegetable platter)

yum...vegetable platter...same thing as steak....kind of...

1)      Just freaking cut in line: This one is self explanatory, just do it! Most people won't question it or are too focused on what they want from the table to even notice

2)      Pretend you know or are related to someone in line…all it takes is a simple conversation or a “OMG I have not seen you in ages” comment to make it all work…Here are a few examples of comments to use to ease into a line

-“Hello!, wow you look amazing…how have you been?”

-“Hi, how are your parents doing?”

-“WOW,  I have not seen you since “that time”…remember…wow it was so much fun”

      Basically, If you confuse the hell out of them it works in your favor and you gain enough time to grab as much food as you can and everyone ends up blaming your “new friend” for letting you break into the line

3)      Don’t waste freaking time…don’t do it…don’t talk to anyone…ignore everyone…walk in and get right in line…cut done on time to get farther in line. This should guarantee you some food

4)      Don’t waste time getting drinks or forks…grab a plate and go right for the food…people don’t mind stepping aside for you to grab a fork and knife…but they sure as hell do mind if you step in line for food. Same with drinks…wait till after you guarantee yourself some food.

5)      Start a new line…at the OTHER end of the table…or on the other side of the table…people can’t bitch at you because of your extreme efficiency…plus…more then likely people will join you in the new line and chaos should ensue…use the chaos to stuff your face

6)      ACT LIKE YOU RUN THE PLACE (all while stealing food)…be the person in charge…pass out some plates to some people around you…check to make sure the cheese platter is still filled…just make it look like “you set this shit up…and you will take this crap down”…people won’t mind if you grab a few sandwiches if they think you are the person who set it all up.

7)      Take everything…you might not be able to go back and get more…so serve yourself with a heavy hand…think you can only have one sandwich…take 6…try everything…just do it and pretend you are getting stuff for others at your table…BUT SO HELP ANYONE IF THEY TRY AND TAKE SOME OF YOUR FOOD!!!

Use these tips at your next event and have some fun with it. I will post again later…thank you to those readers who welcomed me back! I promise (somewhat) that I will try and go back to posting virtually every night. Anyway…maybe, readers, if you are lucky

RANDOM THOUGHT!....I really reeeeallly want some Sparklers and fireworks…anyone have any ideas…

Anyway…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!