POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 33: Music Video Mode

HEY READERS!

So now that it is fall I have been enjoying taking my lunch breaks outside. The weather has been perfect (aka: not hot as hell or cold as fuck).  

So, where I work, my lunch break is 45 minutes long and is a nice chunk of time to just sit outside and relax. I go out onto the lawn of the school…aka the curb by my car…I take only the basics stuff which are my phone, my IPod, and my hostility (I bet half of you thought the word “vodka” would be on this list…but I AM a responsible adult sometimes…HA!) …

Anyway… the only way I can survive the daily onslaught of work is by shoving in ear buds and listening to songs that make me feel like a badass. Songs that convince me I am more powerful than the environment around me. I enjoy going off on my own because when dealing with the job I need to break away from people (especially those who kick, scream, and cry all the damn time)…So this time “away” is when I get into my “Music Video Mode”

Alright, I know readers…What the Hell is “Music Video Mode”?

Ok, “Music Video Mode” is the feeling you get when listening to music in a dramatic or inspirational setting that is reminiscent of something that could be filmed…in simple words…it feels like someone could film you and be like “wow” that looks cool… It is the sense that you get where something is dramatic and a sense of reality fades away. I get this feeling ("Music Video Mode") all the time because I have a wide selection of music that fits into numerous settings and my mind always wanders…plus I think someone has been filming me lately so…maybe I am in a music video…gulp…

Now “Music Video Mode” for me kicks in the most in two different instances:

1)      When I am running. I love “Music Video Mode” when I am running because it makes time pass by quickly and is a great distraction for when I am dying on the ground trying to breath (I am most definitely not the healthiest of people so listening to music also help past the time for the paramedic to arrive). Also “Music Video Mode” happens because I am a VERY dramatic runner. When I run, I act like a fool and air drum and jump over things and act like I am being all bad ass by running on park benches and swinging from tree branches. This also happens when I am walking or strutting my stuff haha…so it just feels very music video appropriate

2)      When I am chilling out with headphones outdoors (such as when I am on my lunch break)

This would be what my CD cover would look like...."Matteo...On a Park bench...At Night" 

Anyways how to have the “Music Video Mode” sensation:

1)      Find the right music and add it to a play list…MY play list has a bunch of CRAP songs on it…bad songs…good songs…great songs…but non-the-less all the songs are ones that I love to listen to. The use of the playlist adds in NO surprise song pop ups. Think of it like this…you don’t want to have to switch six songs in order to get into your groove and ruin the moment…

2)      Find a breeze…Alright it may sound stupid but trust me…the breeze just adds in classiness. Feel the breeze rush through your hair and look into it if you want added drama and intensity.

3)      Find THAT exact point between shade and sun…ya know…that point where the shade meets the sun…for example a leafy pasture or wooded area filled with deer and other cute rodent like creatures

4)      Play with your emotions…we all have crazy ass thoughts running through our minds...driving us crazy…we all have moments like this, right? Moments when we need a hot soundtrack to get us through a tough situation, or a happy one, or that feeling of being bored off your ass? Whatever it is, it calls for the right music to make it better. Think of it as a soundtrack for your life…so put that music on anddddd….

5)      LOOK OUT INTO THE DISTANCE…look out…not at anything…Just look out into the distance and squint…It does not matter if you are looking into the sun itself…let your corneas burn! In fact with the loss of vision and the fact of how your eyes will dry out so quickly from lack of blinking your sense of hearing will heighten bringing the music video experience to life.

6)      When in doubt…dance it out…Feel free to sway and clap and shake it down…

Anyway, just as a warning…you may look like a moron to everyone else around you…but enjoy the feeling!

SO…..

LAST DAY OF SEPTEMBER EVERYONE!!!

More Posts coming soon!

Holidays coming soon!

SUNDAY IS UPON US!!!

Church and Cereal

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!!