POST NUMERO 41: The Calender Post Returns!

So…guess what has not happened in a long time…

A calendar post…

So…guess what this post is about…

AUGUST’s CALENDER POST!

Readers…I’ll be honest…I don’t know where most of you live so, Tomorrow/Today/Yesterday/Etc. is the first day of August…

Frankly August…I don’t think I like you much…

I like you August…but I don’t like you August…It is not me…it’s you…

August…I don’t understand you…

HUH?

I did not understand what I wrote either…

I will admit my indifference to August…I don’t know…I just don't know if I like it or not...

So, why the indifference? I believe it stems from my life being crap…just kidding…it stems from the fact of how I am not a “complete summer minded person” and the fact of how my life is currently in limbo  (and also because my life is crap).

Here is some of my reasoning…

1⁾ I love the weather, but hate the heat I am a weather snob. I am incredibly picky about my weather and when it is too hot or humid I turn into a terrible person (or, more of a terrible person). August in New Jersey is just hot…hot…and hotter. It is the damn hottest month of them all! I can not stand the New Jersey heat, however I love “Vacation Heat”. I can stay outside for hours in the sweltering temperatures if I am in Florida or back in the home country (Italy). I think it is because in Florida and Italy I am never more then an arms length (with cigarette extension) away from a Pool to dive into or a Ocean to float around in…

Here in Jersey though…I have nothing…No beach, no pool, just the water hose…SO HOT OUTSIDE!

2⁾ August you are a necessary snoozefest August is a lazy ass month…it is just sooooo lazy… Need Proof of how lazy it is, I bet you are currently reading this with your computer balanced on your stomach, next to a list you made of stuff you should have done this summer, as you half-watch an old Friends rerun with one end of a straw in your mouth and the other in a can of something cold…wait, maybe that is just me…

Now I am not opposed to this Laziness, and I am perfectly OK with the fact of how August is the perfect time for laziness…But seriously what else is happening/ what else are you going to do today. If you so much as poke a finger outside then you are drowned in an ocean of sweat and humidity… But, I love being lazy…

3⁾ The result of necessary seclusion By this point in the summer…nothing is really happening in the outside world…There are no good movies playing, all magazines and stores are dedicating themselves to fall and back to school, the malls are probably displaying Christmas stuff by now, and the beach...I repeat…it is hot! It is the “stay indoors month” You have eleven other months to be social, move your legs, and inhale non-conditioned air…

4⁾ Wind through my Willows In my house we don’t use Air Conditioning…if you want to cool down you have two options…lay underneath a fan and relax…or STFU! I however carry around an electric fan with me plugging it in everywhere I go…

5⁾ Back to School Buzz…for Kids= hell, and for parents= THANK GOD!

6⁾ Losing my bare necessities I give up bad habits due to family vacation…this is probably one of the biggest reasons… August is “Torre Family Vacation” Month…There for truly again my I nature I turn into a complete and total Angel. I bottle up every craving and bad habit and usually flip out somewhere around September…THIS IS THE BIGGEST REASON WHY I CAN’T STAND AUGUST… I’ll elaborate in a future post…

⁷⁾ Losing my mind counting down the days I am not doing anything and just mope around all day. I even took the time to make a list of things to do before September arrives and I have completed nothing. It was stupid of me to work during the summer when I did not truly have to…but it is almost done and I spend my after work hours taking naps and sitting underneath my fan wonder which way the damn blades should go…

Anyway,

So August is known for many things…

Firstly as a Month it is both “Family Fun Month” and “Admit You’re Happy Month”… (HEY LOOK!, two reasons why I should dislike August…)

Food and drink wise it is “National Catfish Month”, “Peach Month”, “National Picnic Month”, and “Water Quality Month” …love me some peaches and water…

Health wise…It is STD Awareness Month, Romance Awareness Month (STDs and Romance…Silly August), and National Eye Exam Month

The 3^rd is National Mustard Day

The 8^th is “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day”…which I assume is an Innuendo (giggity)

The 12^th is “Acknowledge your Middle Child Day”…which is the only time you should acknowledge them, so, use it wisely middle children of the world!

The 21^st is “National Old People Day”

And on the 29^th…the ever important, “Use Herbs not salt Day” …which I assume is code for something illegal…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 40.5: Whodunnit?

Don't get to excited...This is just a little blurb because I want some emails about this topic!, 

I never really talk about TV but I have found my "cracked out" show for this summer holiday…

Really Quickly…does anyone watch the Show “Whodunnit”? If not I suggest you do…it is so hilariously terrible that it is actually fun to watch… If you haven’t been watching Whodunnit, then you've been missing out on some of the campiest, crappiest, most ridiculous reality television in TV history (and believe me…I hate reality TV). If anything you have to watch it because of these few images….

So much Plaid...So much Huddling

The face of a true detective

Da Fuq?!...speechless

What is “Whodunnit”…It's a reality show about 13 contestants in a mansion and one of them is the killer. The contestants solve clues on how the victim was killed. The person with the most inaccurate testimony gets killed off.

Just making a suggestion to my faithful and not so faithful readers...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 40: I hate singing children, and KidzBop is torture

So, have a confession to make that not many people know about me…

I really dislike when children sing…

So why am I finally admitting this…because I just watched an ENTIRE show dedicated to finding the toddler version of Beyonce…it was the type of show where children are belting out high notes and butchering the world’s most famous songs all while looking like they are being held hostage by their parents. This was the kind of show where parents say stuff like, “Little Susie was born to sing…she was actually a singing fetus…instead of crying when my wife gave birth, Little Susie came out singing Celine Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On” (these are somewhat realistic quotes from the show…)

Needless to say if I took a shot every time there was a “tone deaf moment” I would pretty much look like this right now…

I would be so Drunk that I can't even express how drunk I'd be in photo...hence censored...

I just really hate when children sing!

--Ok, I just reread the amount of times I used the word “hate” next to the word “children”…and before the world rises up and calls me a terrible person (or MORE of a terrible person) I think I need to rephrase and give some reasoning behind my words… --

Firstly, PLEASE NOTE that I’m not saying that I hate the actual kids who are singing. I love kids, and I teach them daily. I think kids are great and cute at times…I truly think kids are absolutely amazing and my job would be nothing and hollow with out them…

So let me break it down…I love kids…I just hate when the kids sing. I love the noun…hate the verb…I don’t hate the player…I hate the game…GET IT?!

For example…It doesn’t matter if the kid singing is an amazing angelic child, or a demon child but either way…if he/she is singing a song… instant dislike.

I think I have this crazy quirk for a few reasons…

1) If the kid is terrible…it is terrible…and there is NOTHING we can do about it. For example, NO ONE is cruel enough to go up to a parent after the school recital and be like…”Listen, your son is tone deaf, has little talent, and totally ruined every part of that song” nope…because if someone did that…this would happen:

All because of honesty...
You can literally hear the one guy screaming, "TAKE IT BACK!!"

…instead we are subject to singing children and have to smile and nod in order to be part of society.

2) If the kid is good at singing, somehow it’s even worse. First of all, I find it flat out annoying watching some 6 year old go all Christina Aguilera or Celine Dion with the vocal dramatics. If they are good, so be it …but most the time little kids sound like cats in heat… Secondly, for some reason I get incredibly awkward out to realize that small children are way more talented then I’ll ever be (but that is a post for another night)

3) I repeat…most kids sound like a bag of cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat…or rather…a bag of congested cats in heat mixed with a screeching car horn… It is just hard to listen to…

4) Usually the kids are singing in a show or recital…and shows in preschool and early elementary school years are always put on exclusively for the parents—at the kids’ expense. I can not help but wonder why when I was a young curly haired Matteo I let someone dress me up in a fish costume, and physically prompt me to sing and do hand motions. I realized I most have looked like a puppet, and an unhappy one at that…I remember the song also…

Have you ever gone swimming on a hot summer's day And seen the little fishes swimming in the bay With their hands in their pockets and their pockets in their pants Doing the hoochy koochy dance

Damn it…if little me had the same attitude as grown up me…SHIT WOULD HAVE WENT DOWN!!!! Firstly, the fuck is that song… Secondly, fish do not have pockets or pants,…and Lastly, Hoochy Koochy sounds like a potential way of getting an STD…

5) A prime example of Children Singing…KidzBop…KidzBop is the ruination of music and perhaps one of the harsher punishments in hell… for those who don’t know the horror that is “KidzBop” …KidzBop is a series of CD’s packed with Billboard’s most overplayed songs…the catch is…each song is sung by children with high-pitched voices, whom are either on some sort of pep pills, or on a bootlegged version of Ritalin. KidzBop is censored to an extreme amount changing lyrics in order to make it “children friendly” and adds in the sounds of children laughing, and having fun to make it more pleasant and appealing for listeners… it is the soccer mom’s go to attempt to make most of today’s music suitable for sing alongs, and young children. The censorship leads to the butchering of good songs or crap songs alike. KidzBop is a huge reason why I hate when children sing! The commercials alone put me into a crazy rage…

The one kid is dressed like Freddy Kruger...

6) It is always the same damn songs…kids sing the same song over and over again…

            - Here Comes the Sun

            - The National Anthem (this one I hate most of all when sung by children)

            - Yankee Doodle (I have a traumatic story about Yankee Doodle…one day I’ll write about it)

            - The Itsy Bitsy spider

            - Stop in the Name of Love (don’t mock it…I’ve sung it)

            - When you Need a Friend

I would maybe enjoy it a little bit more if we got some hardcore rap up in the recital…or some thrift shop…something other then “this land is your land”…something uncensored where the parent’s want to smile but can’t because they would look like terrible parents.

7) Hilariously enough, kids at young ages don’t sing…they shout…the whole point is to shout louder then the person next to you…try it, it is fun to do in public!

8) It is an exploitation of cuteness…

Anyway, I am tired and don’t know why I ranted about this for so long…kind of lost my mind a little…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

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CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 39: Cleaning out my Pages! Children's Books, That time in the Check out Line, and Hat Topics

Ok...So this isn't the longest amount of time I have been away...but still I apologize for the lagging nature of my posts...I hope I am not THAT big of a let down…but believe me…I am awesome either way! So, this post is not really a post but rather I am trying to clean up some of the pages in my book… Purge some of the pages, condense my random doodles, and delete some of my crap so that way I can start fresh and clean with no more half pages (I freaking hate HALF PAGES!).

To catch you up quickly…it has been a shit show around here…no great stories or details. No big life changing events. Just me being me. Here are the things you missed out on in the span I was gone:

1)      The cicadas arrived

2)      The cicadas left

3)      I finally enjoy Seltzer Water (vodka helped)

4)      My garden has grown into a Basil Wonderland

5)      I bought new jeans that I hope will not become crotchless anytime soon (huge accomplishment)

6)      I decided to give up my summer and work all year long (I hate this entirely)

7)      I was reunited with my best friend

8)      I made a new friend

9)      I learned the TRUE reason of why I DO NOT have “Heat Vision”

10)  I have watched the following films on repeat because they are constantly on HBO,

a.       The Dark Knight Rises

b.      Pitch Perfect

c.       All the Scream Movies (1 and 4 being my Favorite ones)

d.      The Lizzie McGuire Movie

WOW, my exciting life!!!

Anyway, biggest thing to take away currently is that I am working the summer session so I truly don’t get a break and I have been really pissed off about not getting to enjoy summer in the ways I normally do.

So as I said…here are some random posts I started but did not finish...clearing out my writing closet!

For example…I don’t remember when I wrote this or what gave me the idea…but here is a short list of:

Terrible Children’s Book Ideas

                              

-          Pushing and Shoving and 98 other Games to play on the Jungle Gym

-          The Milkman is your Daddy

-          John Jumped on the Bed with The Ceiling Fan On

-          Everything is a Toy…how to use your imagination to make the most fun out of knives, matches, and what is locked in the cabinet

-          Welcome to the Tea Party Mr. Dahmer

-          Lizzie Borden’s Tool Time

-          Bullies have all the Fun

-          Fire, Fire, Burn

-          Vegetables are Gross, Fruits are Grosser

-          Your Parents Love You…but not as much as they should

-          Rule Breakers Rule

-          Crime for Children

-          Mommy Loves You, by Satan Loves you More

-          Goodnight Moon, Goodbye Enemies

-          All Animals are Friendly

-          Sharing is for Losers

-          Racial Slurs A-Z

Another half finished Post... I don’t know what day this was…but I do remember the incident and where it happened.:

" Anyway, Story of the Day…

Sometimes I really can’t stand people. I KNOW I make commentary all the time and I try to censor myself…but some people are just sooooo stupid with the things they say.

Here is my example for the Day:

I am waiting in line at the store (guess what I was buying… the answer ryhmes with “falcahol”) and I allowed the woman who was in back of me to skip ahead of me while I located my wallet. She was struggling to get stuff out of her cart so I decided to help her out and aide her to lift her stuff out of the cart. She said nothing and stared at me.

I am not going to lie, I was expecting a “thank you” and was thinking that she was just building up the courage to tell me what a fine respectable young man I am…but you know what I got instead…

::drum roll::

“You look like this terrorist I saw on the news…”

Yes…you read that right…the woman I just helped…Likened my resemblance to a “terrorist”…

However, in her defense, it was not an accusation…She did it completely dead pan, with a great deal of disinterest. I was shocked!…

What she said is the equivalent of someone sneezing and instead of saying “bless you” saying, “WOW, you look like Jeffery Dahmer”  "

And Finally...another random half finished post...I think this one was written relatively recently:

"   So, Firstly…thank you everyone (including my coworkers) for the amazing feed back on my last post. I wrote it from the bottom of my teeny tiny little heart (I know I have one way deep down inside underneath all the anger). It was the only way I could think of where I could unleash some of my thoughts in a easy manner. I am kind of drained from last night!

Anyway, it is Sunday…it has been a LONG week and an EXTREMELY short weekend…Three birthdays, visiting family and friends, tons of work, and constantly studying for two REALLY important tests…I miss when Sundays meant Cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats) and Church…now, Sunday means me crying in the fetal position on top of a book and Church! Hooray!

I am going to pick a random topic out of my hat…

The first piece of paper I pulled out says the word “Cheese” and the second one says “Music”…haha this is why I never use the hat…

CHEESE:

I find it amazing how much cheese people eat when it is cubed or on a tray…people will literally eat a block of cheese without realizing and with little effort. For some reason the fact of how it is square and has a toothpick sticking out of it negates the fact of how every cube is a piece of a bigger brick of cheese…

I love cheese.

MUSIC:

I have not used my CD player in a long looooooooooong time. However, the other day I found some old CDs I had burned myself. I was overcome by curiosity and had to listen to what, “Matteo’s Summer 2005 Italia Beats” contained. Long Story Short, my taste in music in the year 2005 was banging!!! I was impressed that I could remember all the lyrics and I may or may not have Eiffel65 as my ring tone currently…yes, that is the same band that sung “I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die” (go ahead and YouTube it…you know you want to)        "

It feels good to clean out some of these pages...

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 36: Bathing Suit Season, and the Abhancer?

Guess what…HAPPY NEWS!, Summer is slowly on its way!!

Ok that was the good news…now time to crush your happiness like a bag of Lays potato chips underneath the foot of an elephant. Summer is also “Swim Suit Season”…dun dun duuuun!!

Womp Womp Woooooomp!

Yep, Swim Suit Season…

Now usually I don’t really care…I’m somewhat healthy and I like to be active…but at work everyone is extremely fit, gluten free, shaked up, and workout enthusiasts…I’m not. So lately, my mind has just been on this topic.

For nine months out of the year everyday I wear the same crotchless ripped jeans. my usual grey hoodie, and my work boots, and I think to myself, “Damn I look incredible”. Then swimsuit season comes around and I panic. I can honestly say my tiny pity party does not last long…but it does happen! I go all melancholy for half a second and then realize ehhhh I could be worse… ok I am not whining…I promise you I am not…As I am writing and talking this out I’m very confident and super cool.

But, let me put out there what my mind is thinking…After a long winter hibernation and spring passes you finally get outdoors and enjoy the sunshine. Suddenly out of nowhere a friend approaches and invites you to the beach or a pool party, and you remember suddenly that, damn it, it’s swimsuit season again and your body is not ready. It’s just the initial shock of it all because during the winter who REALLY walks around half naked (…I do…I really really am constantly half naked no matter what the season).

I mean I spent most my winter eating packets of peanut butter, spoonfuls of Nutella, and drinking. This did not really prepare me for anything (except maybe a heart attack)…so I guess I am going to have to rely on my other tactics because I sure as hell am not giving up my Nutella or adding in more working out (by the way…I do work out…and have a really physical job…and I take the stairs instead of the elevator…small steps)…So here are my tactics which are WAY easier then working out…feel free to use them and take my advice that these are ridiculous.

1)Be hilarious and use humor and creepiness as your guide…for example, when you are about to shed your clothes do it like a stripper and remove them suggestively. Remove your shirt and pants by twirling them over your head and singing a suggestive “Buh, buh, buh, buh, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum.”  This works because no one will be judging your body when 1) they are wondering how they can “make it rain” and where to throw their crumpled dollar bills, 2) they are probably so creeped out and hiding their eyes from what ever the hell it looks like, and 3) most people will be too busy dialing the cops in order to report public indecency to notice any body flaws your might be self conscious about.

2)Try wearing a nude swimsuit.  This is a flesh-colored suit with naked parts printed on the outside (i.e. think those cheesy souvenirs people get when they go to Italy with the statue of David’s penis on them…real classy…real real classy).  People will be so distracted with your suggestive suit, they won’t notice the parts of you that are actually exposed.

If you go to Italy...
and this is the classy souvenir you decide to bring back...
well...you and I could never be friends

3) You can always use the "Abhancer"!! Seems legit...

 

HA, please...if you own one of these...
              email me because I have so many questions!

      Which reminds me of this…which I like waaaaay better!

A real 18 pack right there...

But hell, the locusts are coming anyway so summer is going to be awkward as hell …

Just wanted to write something quick, easy, and ridiculous for tonight…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

LIGHT IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!! 

POST NUMERO 35: They're Coming, and a Sex Playlist

Oh boy...starting off with a GIF... this can't be good...

If you recognize this...then you can also remember the voice he said it in...
hilarious...

They’re Coming…

They’re Coming…
They’re Coming…

A FRENZY of SEX and DEATH are coming…

Now don’t get all "freaky-deaky" excited on me everyone…because…

Holy Crap…the Cicadas are coming…

So If you don’t live in my part of the world you may not know that this spring/summer the Cicadas are coming back after a 17 year hibernation…in other words...

Seriously…I am not happy about this!...

Mother Nature gave us these armored demons a few summers ago and I still panic every time I see one

Hate them...hate them SO much...

And now I have to deal with these!

Terrible...Just Terrible...

I’m freaking pissed...

I think what is making me EXTRA pissed about this impending apocalypse is that it HAS to happen during the summer…The little bastards don't even emerge until the ground is warm and cozy and there is NO stopping it. Making it worse is that fact of how I have no summer plans except working. Which means that the one place I never stay for summer is the place that is going through one of the damn signs of the apocalypse! (Just my luck...just everyone's luck!)

I still remember 17 freaking years ago when the last swarm of cicadas came…I remember how in order to walk down my driveway (which is heavily covered and shaded by foliage) I had to wield a freaking tennis racquet and an open umbrella to swat the falling bastards away from me. It was not fun…getting the mail was a freaking horror show every time... I may or may not have cried...

AND NOW, they are coming back in swarms of billions...BILLIONS of bugs that have been feeding off of tree roots underground will suddenly appear ..might as well invest in a flame thrower this time around because it is not going to be pleasant...
Anyway...if you are not already repulsed enough...

To make matters worse these are go to be a new type of Cicadas...some sort of mega cicada...a "Magical" cicada!
“Magicicada” is apparently the type of Cicada that is arriving in the coming weeks...which is funny because I see the word “Magic” and think this:

ABBRACADDABRA!

Not this:

I could not stand to see another picture of a Cicada...
so here is a funny picture of two owls! No need to thank me!

So is there anything we can do as humans to stop this invasion…from what I have read, NOPE!, nothing. Short of, becoming a hermit and staying inside. However, I beg to disagree...I have a plan to end this FREAKING HELL FOR ALL (or at least speed along the process)!

So here is what I was thinking...I know...Pure genius coming up... make a "Cicada Love Mix"… huh?! WHAT?! Here is the plan, perhaps, with the help of some sexy music we can speed up the cicada's "cycle" (gross). The quicker they get their “chirp on” the faster they will leave (gross)!
Readers, I should have prefaced the last little segment with: If you did not know…that is why they are coming back…the sound you will be hearing is billions of bugs “having relations” (gross)…yes, that noise you will be hearing is the sound of REALLY LOUD locust sex (gross)…how horrifying is all this!

I am so grossed out right now that I don't know why I continue to write this...
ANYWAY, Cicada Love Mix...yadda yadda...If we can add in some tunes maybe we can…who knows...it helps most humans... (I am well aware that I am barely writing in fully functional sentences anymore.)

Anyway if you happen to pass my house..here is the mix I will be blasting into the woods... NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS BE WARNED!

Cicada Love and Die Song Mix

1)      Ignition (Remix) - R Kelly…or really anything else by R Kelly

2)      Let’s Get it On - Marvin Gaye

3)      Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

4)      Push It- Salt n Pepa

5)      S&M- Rihanna

6)      Satisfaction - Benny Benassi

7)      Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk

8)      Tell Me - P Diddy Ft. Christina Aguilera

9)      Pony – Ginuwine

10)  Dirrty - Christina Aguilera

11)  Closer - Nine Inch Nails

12)  All the Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails

13)  Gimme More (featuring Amanda Blank) Remix - Britney Spears

14)  FutureSex/LoveSound - Justin Timberlake

15)  Sexy Bitch (featuring Akon) - David Guetta

16)  Satisfaction vs Go Girl (Mash Up) - Benny Benassi & Pitbull

17)  Shake - Ying Yang Twins

Anyway…this was all very strange…what will you be blasting into the woods?

And to make up for the inappropriate weirdness of this post…here is a picture of a puppy being adorable

HOORAY! Is all forgiven?!

More Posts Coming Soon

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

APRIL IS AUTISM AWARENESS MONTH!!
HELP RAISE AWARENESS, and LIGHT IT UP BLUE

POST NUMERO 26: August is crap, Creamsicles, and Going Crazy

Alright, time to follow the traditions of  "TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS" and usher in a new month...so...let me clear my throat...
AUGUST IS HERE!!! HOORAY!!!!
and by "HOORAY!!!!" I really mean..."THIS MONTH IS CRAP!!!!"

Well, with the way my summer has been going I don't even know how I have made it to this month! In years past, I have always still been away on vacation for the entire month of August. Just a handful of times I have been in the states or at home and all the other summers I have always either been in Italy or Florida or any place but home. So for me this summer is extremely different...

Do not get me wrong, I like being home...I, on occasion, get to see my friends  and have some wild times, I get work done that I normally can't do else where, I am having loads of "family time", and I am even finding ways to further my career. HOWEVER, screw all that because I love being away for August!

With out going away I have realized that August is a useless transition month and I REALLY can't handle it. Turn on the TV and you will see all the "Back to School" commercials and the "Upcoming Fall Television Line Ups" being advertised. Flip through the TV stations and you will literally witness new programs and commercials that ALREADY usher in the upcoming holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas)! August is that month that just wants to pummel you with the fact of how summer is over.

In terms of weather...where I live Mother Nature has given August full permission to be extremely hot, extremely muggy, and extremely capable of causing tropical depressions/ hurricanes.

But maybe I am just biased in my thinking as this summer did not pan out exactly the way I had hoped...

The best feeling in the world (at least for me) was coming back from the extreme heat of Italy and being welcomed into the extremely green and awaiting Fall season...I do not have that this summer so something feels incomplete....

I however would be OK with it if I had done some sort of world wide adventure this summer...but I did not...I barely even left my house for most the summer as I was WAY to busy tending to family and personal matters...
Some of you might be thinking..."SO WHAT?! I stay at home all the time..." but this is incredibly different and serious to me...and this is why:
Staying home is an unknown situation for me...and I may (will) sound spoiled but I have NEVER spent a summer at home...
I think I may have mentioned before that I have spent every summer of my life away in another place. I was gifted with a house in Italy and I loved it and went there every summer with my family. Then life got busier, and since I was a senior in High School it became increasingly difficult to pick up everything and go away as I started finding more and more obligations to keep me tethered to home.
So this sitting around is driving me mad...sitting around however means getting stuff done but all this tending to crap is driving me CRAZY...I literally feel a clock ticking down in my mind as September approaches and I have to restart work...I have done nothing worth while and I feel the time slowly and terribly passing...
So how do I remedy this....well, I do not know... I literally am looking at the level of craziness I am at (If you want a good gauge...the post before this one is all about making friends out of rubber gloves...I am at THAT level of crazy)

So what can we do in August...
Well...
August is National Catfish and Golf Month...
um...what else...OH, August is "Romance Awareness Month"...which helps me NOTHING because I am NEVER aware of romance (remember...I have as much "game" as a rained out baseball tournament")
It is Family Fun Month and National Picnic month...which I guess could be a fun combination!

08/14 is National Creamsicle Day
which some might take to mean this...

But I will take it to mean...

but without this month...we would not have the Olympics...and THE OLYMPICS ARE AWESOME!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!
more posts coming soon!

POST NUMERO 23.5: Hello July and Hello Nude Recreation Week

I forgot to say!

HELLLOOOOO JULY!!!!!!!

It is finally July…which now that I am part of the education system…I am sad about being that everyday and month brings me closer to September again. Anyway, July is a terrific month…why?...well let me tell you…

Ok so not only is July famous for numerous patriotic reasons but it is also:

-National Anti-Boredom Month!

-National Blueberry Month!

-National Hot Dog Month!

-National Ice Cream Month!

I mean come on…I should just stop my list right there…a month dedicated to some of life’s best food…and a month dedicated to combating one of the worst things possible, BOREDOM…but I am going to keep going with this list of “July”-awesomeness because  it gets soooo muuuuch better…

The entire second week of July is…and be prepared for what I am about to say…is Nude Recreation Week!! YES,  that is correct…a week dedicated to NUDE RECREATION!!! Yes…nude volleyball, nude bull fighting, nude running, nude trampoline, nude swimming, nude fencing, nude wood working and tree house building, nude rhythmic gymnastics, nude recreational drinking…for a week you can rock out with your junk out and celebrate because it is 7 days of celebrating nude recreation…I don’t think I can even figure out how to phrase and put into words the awesomeness of this week…

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!...THIS IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE!!

Also it is Cell Phone Courtesy Month…which means…the next time you see someone like this....

"I don't understand why EVERYONE is looking at me?!?!...."

Scream out, "QUIT DISRESPECTING JULY!!!” and then punch them in the throat…

Anyway…more posts coming soon
Welcome July everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 23: I am back, and the weekend getaways

OK, so I know it has been a long ass time since I have penned ANYTHING! The angry emails I have received saying, “WRITE SOMETHING DAMN IT!” have not been ignored or forgotten…but let me break it down…

Ok, excuse time, here are some of the reasons I have not be writing:

1)      I am a lazy ass

2)      I have been waaaay busy taking care of some personal business (nothing serious….just business)

3)      My computer has become “the family computer”.  My brother’s computer took a tumble and got the blue screen of death….so my computer has become EVERYONE’s computer…which is terrible because I had to um…family proof and double save some personal files…”files”

4)      My family is trying this new…once a week ”family outing/ bonding” thing…love my family…but I want to barrel role out of the car on these days

5)      I have been taking some personal fun time here and there

6)      I am a LAZY ass

7)      IT IS SUMMER!

8)      HEAT WAVE!!!!

9)      SOCCER!!!!

10)  Inspiration has not been hitting lately…and I am a Lazy Ass

11)   And finally….I am very much a Lazy Ass!

But yeah, don’t worry readers…I am still here and alive and will be back to writing more soon….but right now…let me catch you up with my life…

Firstly:

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

YES, that is right…the perks of being a teacher have hit and I am on break for the summer (break being a loose term being that I am still working when I can).  School ended around the 19^th and I have just been enjoying the lifestyle (which is another reason why I am not writing as much).  It is terrific. However, I don’t know yet what I am doing this summer…Am I fleeing back to the home country (Italy)?  Am I heading down to God’s waiting room (Florida)?   Am I going to stay in my room like a shut in/ hermit and cry myself to sleep (OF COURSE)?

In honesty…and with great irony…I finally am enjoying the educators lifestyle and son-of-a-bitch this is the first summer I have no plans!

Anyway…the weather has been hot and there is currently a heat wave hitting the country! Which makes me just lay around underneath the fan and hit up local places to use the free Air Conditioning (oh yeah...and drink). My family (mostly my father) would rather have heat stroke and live in uncomfortable volcano like conditions then turn on the air conditioning. However I enjoy the heat…my biggest issue is just the constant clothing changes as I am…and it hurts me to admit this…a sweaty mess at times.

Anyway…Continuing on…

So happy times are ahead and behind me…I have been meaning to write about my vacation weekend away for a while now so here it goes…About two weeks ago I was invited down the shore by some amazing friends…the best I know…the cream of the crop…just really awesome people. So how do I preface this story…hmmmm…I am never one to live on the edge…EVER…I am a very boring person with a large mouth, anger issues, and evil tendencies. I think I wrote about my idea of living on the edge in an earlier post (drinking beer and diving into an un-shocked pool)…but these friends bring out the adventure and fun in me. So, I packed my weekend bag and off I went…

            So here are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of that weekend…

-          Cheap Vodka Burns so Well:  Ok So I am not the CLASSIEST and PICKIEST of drinkers. I go in with an idea…and the idea usually consists of seven dollar vodka…it is perfect…especially if the seven dollar vodka tastes like oranges…and I loooooove oranges…So if Burnetts Vodka and Gin is reading this…I am a huge fan…feel free to contact me perhaps for a spokesperson gig…or advertising…or ya know, taste testing. Seriously though, I can not really have picky expensive tastes being that my drinking style is comprised of, “Add enough vodka to sooth your wounds.”
-“Naked, and Arrested”:  Alright so…I repeat these friends are amazing…and when we drink we tend to walk the line of legal and illegal…but we basically always stick on the legal side and have tons of fun. It was around midnight…12:20....and as a group we decided to cross something off all our bucket lists and get a little naked…and skinny dip!  Now, it may sound surprising to some of my readers but, this was not my first time delving into the “nude swim concept”. The difference from other times however is how this time was the first time I have ever ran through the streets in a towel singing loudly, “NAKED AND ARRESTED!!! NAKED AND ARRRREEEESTED!!!”.  Now I have a general theory that the more nudity there is the happier people are so it was very much a worth while experience. Plus readers, don’t think we stayed in the water long and just lounged around with our junk out…it literally went as such…TOWELS OFF!! SPRINT!!! SPLASH!! FREEZE!!! RUN BACK!!! TOWELS!!!! Think of it as a war scene from any cheesy war flick. With everyone running full speed towards the destination…instead of people being shot and falling to the ground everyone was face planting, tripping, and falling do to slight intoxication…

-          “Sing to Me”: Sometimes the best thing to say is just “Sing to Me!” and see who actually goes along with it

-           “Dig a Hole”: On the beach sometimes you just get an urge to dig a large hole. To just plunge your hands into the searing hot sand and go crazy and just dig a huge hole. Then when you can not go any further with your hand you begin using a Frisbee which works surprisingly well. Then after digging the hole you may get the extreme urge to lay down in side the hole…and then you may have the extreme urge to have someone bury you up to your neck inside the hole and take possible Facebook profile pictures. This will however cause extreme sunburn and sand in places sand should never be.

-          Sexual Innuendos using the word “Hole”: Even reading the above some of you can probably realize that while digging…everything sounded a little naughty…

-          Margaritas and Beer combined!!!... so basically Anheuser-Busch came out with Bud Light Lime-a-Rita…which are delicious and have a very high alcohol content in a convenient tiny packaging…however they are sneaky little bastards as the effects of two may have caused a wonderful nap on the beach to turn into a very bad sunburn.

-          Bunk Beds: Ok so bunk beds and I have never gotten along...especially if I am on the top bunk and sloshed. So during the night I had such terrible thirst that I tried to signal down to my friend on the bottom bunk by loudly mouthing words, making a hand motion for water, and flailing/waving…to which she looked and then fell back asleep…needless to say I never received any water and in the morning I was accused of being a creep.

-          Losing and Laughing: So I went minigolfing for the first time ever!!! I was awful…womp womp womp…but I don’t think I could have laughed any more. Especially when a group of old men behind us were cracking “foreskin jokes”.

-          Realizing how some people did grow up underneath a rock: I think it finally clicked for my friends…I am a somewhat deprived Italian kid!

Well anyway…I would just like to reiterate the “skinny dipping” thing only because while writing this I can’t believe I actually went through with it…but ehhhhhh you only live once. Anyway, what words of wisdom can I give today…

            OH I know!…if you are hot…take off your clothes….

Thanks so much readers for sticking with the huge lapse of time!....more stories of summer coming soon!!! More life lessons!!! More of me NOT being a lazy ass!! And certaintly…some more stories of the dreaded but amazing “Sloppopotamus”!!!

Anyway,

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 20: Mosquitos and Warm Nights

So I have been loving this weather lately…I really have… but when people come up to me and say things like:

“Ugh, Warm summer nights are made for being out in the open air and great outdoors…”

Or

“Spring and Summer nights…when it is hot…are made to be spent under the stars”

Aren’t statements like those so wonderfully beautiful, so wonderfully true, and so very WONDERFULLY POETIC!!!! Well how about who ever is saying these statements also so wonderfully SHUTS the HELL UP!!

When people say things like that I want to look them in the eye with disgust and reply back…

“Nice Try, Mosquito disguised as a human!”

...."We Should go outside...and relax a while..."

I mean really…it is wonderful weather…but if you are anything like me…you get eaten alive when you so much as open a window or better yet…look at a window…

So, anyway…sorry I have not posted in a while…been very busy/lazy...I owe a bunch more posts...ones better then this...

I am back in the game kids!!

POST NUMERO 19.5: HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!

Alright so I realized I forgot to mention, HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!!!!

What a Jerk I am...June is a huge month and I did not even mention it...I mean come on…June is not only the 6^th month of our calendar year…it is also:

Adopt A Shelter Cat Month
Dairy Month
Flag Month
Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month
General Safety Month
Audio book Month

Candy Month

Dairy Month

Firework Safety Month

Iced Tea Month

People Skills Month

Turkey Lovers Month

WOAH! JUNE HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER!!! However these are some observances that I think should be created and included to honor June:

“Get the Fuck out of Work” Month

Bug Spray Month

“Get in your car after it has been parked outside for a while and it feels like hell” Month

Liquor and Drinks on the Rocks month

“Try to hide the fact of how it is becoming hot as balls” Month

How to maximize the importance of June...click on the picture for a bigger view...

Jeeze...my first post of June (now that I reread it) is kind of "sucky"...I mean come on...it was a post about "jumping into a pool"...so I am going to have to post a bunch of stuff today to make it better...Ugh sometimes my good thoughts about life (aka my "extreme genius") ...just gets messed up in all the typing and wording...

Plus readers it sounded like I condoned something awful in that last post (which now that I reread was just terrible really)...so let me make it clear to you all...

DO NOT JUMP INTO A POOL THAT IS NOT CLEAN!

it is gross...

I will however issue you all a challenge:

Do something relatively easy that challenges your comfort zone!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS JUNE!

POST NUMERO 19: I Jumped, and Drank

Sometimes you just live on the edge and do things you never would…Readers, a few nights ago I had one of those “live on the edge” type of moments…I was so far on the edge that my inner dialogue was going on full rant and questioning every second of what was happening…it was like I was possessed!.

After reading that ^^^….you should all be on the edge of your seats!!...but believe me readers it was nothing “big”! (actually screw that...for me it was monumental)

So on Memorial Day after completing the family BBQ I was invited over a friend’s house for a relaxing evening. These friends are amazing people, and some of the best I know. It is amazing how kind and generous they are and how amazing this group of friends is…Anyway…back to the story...

It was an amazingly fun Memorial Day. I started off the day with sleeping in and a nice bit of relaxing while surfing the Internet for blog ideas. I had a pear for breakfast…while eating that pear I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was for it to be a Monday and not be at work. I dusted my room, cleaned out my car, and put away general crap…I then ate another piece of fruit (another pear). I prepared many things for the family BBQ including various chips and dips and also normal BBQ food (hamburgers, marinated chicken, and hotdogs)…Then family came over and we did a very normal family BBQ…nothing exciting…very cookie cutter…very Italian…very there…annnnd then I snapped slightly from the wholesome family goodness.

Don't get me wrong...as I have said in past posts I really do love my family...but I had hit my boiling point. I needed to get out of the house! So after dinner was over I was in need of something exciting…that is when the magic happened and I received a call from friends (those mentioned above) inviting me over for ANOTHER BBQ!...Miracles do occur!!!

So I went! 

WOWZA DID I HAVE FUN!

I LIVED ON THE EDGE!

and

I TURNED INTO A BEER DRINKER! (I put away the vodka for the evening and jumped right into the Becks)...It was just "good livin".

So…big news…and the somewhat point of this post...I had a “living on the edge” moment…I FREAKING JUMPED INTO THE POOL!!!! I WAS IN THE POOL!!! I, MATTEO TORRE, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR, THAT I LITERALLY JUMPED INTO THE POOL AS A CHALLENGE... WHEN NO ONE WAS IN THE POOL!!!

…ok readers you probably just rolled your eyes…but this is huge for me…I am never ever that type of person…I always make a horrible excuse and chicken out…I am just kind of not “that person” who accepts challenges like that… I was soooo proud of myself!...I stripped off my shirt...and jumped...it was all very unexpected of me...I have to admit...I was a very cool person!

HOWEVER DOWN SIDE!!!!!!!

in fact, let me rephrase

DOOOOOOOWNSIDE FROM HELL!!! Shortly after I jumped in I came to the realization that I had jumped into a very unshocked, uncleaned, and dirty pool. The pool had only recently been uncovered (about 4 minutes before I took the plunge)...so... IMPETIGO and DISEASE here I come!

I did do it however! so instead of rolling your eyes readers...Applaud me! Scream out HOORAY MATTEO!!!...AUGURI MATTEO!!!...BRAVO!!!...or just keep on reading my next few posts...which ever one works!

ANYWAY!, I know readers…I promise things and do not deliver…I have been mega busy…I have stories on the way and a bunch of half finished blog posts that I will try and put up over the weekend…School is almost out for summer!...HOORAY!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

more posts coming soon!