POST NUMERO 44: I'm Back, I'm Not a Fan of February, and I'm Cyber Dating

Two Things:

1. Guess who just got home from a Date...
2. Guess who just remembered their password!

::Points to self:: This Guy!

I had forgotten the password to this blog over 2 years ago and I just spent the past week trying to remember not only the REAL information I put into my profile but also the fake personality I created in order to keep some anonymity...If you forget your password the only thing sites DON'T ask for is a blood sample

It was an ordeal that I can only describe as something similar to the John Cusack movie “Identity” ...which personality real or fake knew what the hell fake email I used and what my fake first pet's name was...

Ray Liotta...great movie...

So I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads blogs. In fact when I click “Next Blog” the only other blog that comes up is a German Blog featuring Bibles quotes and various religious imagery...basically the same thing as this blog...

I guess for this moment... I'll go with “Field of Dreams” logic and say, “If I write it...they will come”

Ray Liotta was also in this movie....

OK, it has been over two years since the last time I posted anything, and the only reason I am posting is because the date went so bad that I thought of topics the whole time.

Let me catch you up on the past 2 years (Here are ten at random):

1. My life has been chaos as normal
2. I still have no Idea what I want to do as a “grown up” or how to act as one
3. I have fell into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery (although harsh sounding, this is not exaggeration)
4. I remember very little of 2014 & 2015
5. I have developed an adorable and endearing habit of making bird noises at people in order to get their attention
6. I probably curse and use profanity about 60% more then I did in Fucking 2013
7. I have added many more items to my list of “Things I can't stand/hate”
8. I have developed an addiction to “On demand”
9. I have had Tina Turners “Private Dancer” stuck in my mind on repeat for the past 2 years
10. I still freaking love Backpacks

OK, so they are not the best facts but it is hard to think when my father is watching “Jersey Boys” at the highest volume down the hall (Not kidding, I am expecting the neighbors to call for a noise complaint any second now)

So,

Sorry not Sorry for not writing...but here are the excuses...

1. My computer broke and I lost everything...I lost all the work on the “Book”...You would think that being born in the era of budding technology I would have learned to back my shit up...but I didn't.
2. I have been using my time on other social media websites...Instagram has grown on me...Snapchat not so much...
3. I now Ebay!
4. Why did no one tell me that blogging is dead! HOWEVER, from what I hear, “Vlogging” is the new “Blogging” and that is not going to happen because the guy behind these words is 185 pounds of Eyebrows and Hostility.
5. I got a new computer...I hate it...If Satan Endorsed a computer it would be the Lenovo IdeaPad 100...
6. Etc...Etc...Etc...

So...It is February...the Shittiest time of the year...

In my opinion, February is the year's equivalent of stepping on something wet when wearing just socks...

It is the most bone-chilling month of the year...February does not fall into the pleasant “Winter Wonderland” type of cold, but is more of a brutal “rips your face off” cold. Sure, November, December, and January are freezing BUT there are holidays and constant food to dull the pain. February has nothing...just sadness, emotions, and cold. It is so bad that even father time made it proportionately shorter then the rest of the other months just so we can get it done faster.

But the Absolute Worst part of February...Valentine's Day...

My quick summary about Valentine's Day: Valentines Day is a grotesque consumerist Hallmark holiday designed to make people feel awful about their lives...It is the worst...

There is only one good thing that has came out of Valentine's Day in the past 30 years...

"I cho-cho-choose you."....

Anyway, so onto the date....it crashed, it burned, and I still had to pay for it.

So how it began:

I recently and hilariously joined online dating...and let me tell you...it is like swimming in an “un-chlorinated” public pool...

I don't know exactly why I joined but I remember who told me to try online dating and they said, “What is the worst that could happen...” or was it “You need all the help you can get...what is the worst that could happen” It was probably more of the second...

So I went to the very popular “PlentyoFish.com”. I set up a profile, picked out a non offensive photo, and wrote something about the things I love (The Walking Dead, Travel, Fresh Fruit, Pizza, Walks on the Beach, and Food). I resisted every urge to write about how I'm a sarcastic Asshole and I tried to stay as normal as possible. I kicked my feet up, and waited for the responses and matches to roll in.

After about 2 weeks I finally got my first message which turned out to be a computer generated response telling me that I did not confirm my account and until I verify my profile I would not be published. Little did I know that would be the most promising email I would receive from that moment on...

Why? Why do I not see the promise?! What is Online Dating?! Well, Online dating is a sad, soul crushing hell where good guys (Like myself) go to die a slow painful death by way of ignored messages, false hope, and empty inboxes.

Like me, most guys will look through profile after profile and send carefully crafted messages that show both interest and attention to detail. ALL of them will not respond...wait, one will....but wait...she is awful...this is how it went tonight:

A “cool” girl wrote me and we made some good conversation back and forth. It was banter at its best and we swapped stories about vacations, our jobs, and our favorite movies. It was going well so I asked her to meet up “in real life.” I wanted something cozy, and fun so I settled on hitting up a bar down the street plus I figured why not start with what I do best, drinking.

We met up there and I am not one to ever be nervous, but, I found myself struggling for conversation...

FUN FACT: I try to stay the same or strive to be better then what I portray online and I was quickly realizing that she was not as pretty or funny as I had hoped she'd be or as her profile stated. Something was different about her photo from how she looked in real life, and I was positive that she had not seen half the movies that we chatted about. None of her profile seemed to jive with what she was saying and the “interests” we shared seemed to be talked about with an almost “just googled it quickly” amount of knowledge. Yet we trudged on, ordered some food for the table, and we chatted. She kept checking her phone...This was the “Crash”

Onto the “Burn”...Then the judgmental ass in me began to emerge...I realized she kept saying how, Her and her single friends are going to be celebrating something called, “GAL-antine's Day” by drinking Mimosas and going to brunch...The word by the end of the night became like nails on a chalk board to my ears.

The conversation went as such:

Me: So tomorrow I have no plans, but I can't stand this cold...it is too cold to do anything

Her: Yeah, me too, but I hope it does not effect my “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

or

Me: So I hear, “The Walking Dead” comes back tomorrow...are you excited?

Her: Yes, can't wait to relax and watch it after “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

I'd say tomato, and she'd say...”Gal-antine's Day!” and then she would check her phone...

No big deal though, I could not fault her excitement about something stupid...and I kindly and warmly kept replying back about; How fun it all sounded and how I hope she has a good time (which I actually meant)...But she talked of nothing else...Nothing...At one point I was just hoping to start an argument just to see if she could find a way to fit GAL-antine's Day into the fight...

BUT WAIT this is where is got really bad, the phone checking...what was the constant phone checking... Then I noticed the fact of how (and I only noticed because I could see the reflection of her phone in the window behind her) she was on TINDER during our date. Yes that is right folks...bitch was Tindering while we were talking about our life goals. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LEFT SWIPING AND RIGHT SWIPING WHILE WE SAT THERE! I was dumb founded and thank you JESUS we went someplace with Booze...

But there was sadly no chemistry...it was just awkward conversation...I called it quits, paid, and went home...was it worth it, not really. Was her profile a bucket of lies and did I find her to be a waste of a night...ABSOLUTLY!

Sitting in the booth with her (as she surfed TINDER and ate my Sweet Potato Fries) my mind wandered...I made some rules to try and combat the pitfalls of online dating:

1. On Internet dating sites everyone is uniquely the same...Everybody loves books and is well-read, everyone enjoys jogging in the park and running marathons, everyone listens to the coolest music and watches the hottest TV shows. Everyone is intellectual, grown-up, refined and perfect...WELL, that is all Bull Crap...Realize that people are trying to sell themselves and nothing makes people more desperate and dishonest then when trying to find love... Don't trust anyone.
   
   
2. 
   
   Watch out for People who misrepresent themselves in their photos or who have thousands of other people in their photo. If the photo looks like a girls Volleyball team photo or the Kappa Kappa Sorority class portrait more then likely I can guarantee that the one you think is the cute one is not the one who owns the profile. It is a trick! RED ALERT! TRICK! Watch I'll Give you an Example...The person the yellow arrows are point to... that is the Girl who actually owns the profile...example:
   
   
   
   
3. People, and it has been proven, have a way to look completely different online because the pictures they use are drastically outdated or heavily edited. Woman are more likely to post a photo looking like Kim Kardashian but in real life look like Caitlyn Jenner. Watch out for this and ask for photos. If you are not a creep and you are actually trying to find love and vice versa then the girl should provide...don't be a dick though and not reciprocate (I'm talking in terms of clean none xxx photos...you be you though...I won't tell you how to live your life...). Ask for photos involving vacations and or life events (If she ran that marathon she should have at least one photo)...it is just a good way to get a better view of who she is.
4. Look out for ANYONE who's profile picture is them posing in a Bathroom Mirror...this is more of a Pet Peeve of mine but I have realized it rings true most of the time. If you are posing in a bathroom mirror...I don't even know...is it the lighting...I'm just going to assume it is the only room in your house...Is it that hard to find a more interesting place to take a photo or to set a timer...Especially being that most the times the photos are either in a public bathroom where I know someone is hiding in the stall until you leave, or in your home where the mirror is covered in dirt and old toothpaste...Just the second I see a reflection I automatically raise the red flag.

Anyway, Tonight Sucked...BUT I'M BACK!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 30: Breathing, and Your Brain is Screwing You!

Alright, so I KNOW this has happened to everyone…don’t even lie readers because even if it has not…then be prepared…something horrible is about to happen…

I warn you readers…this post will make normal bodily functions feel awkward…immensely awkward…so Readers Beware

Ready:

Think about how you breath…is it slow?…is it loud?…does it make a slight whistle noise when you exhale?…Do you breath out of your mouth or your nose? How big of an inhale do you take?...Does you chest move up and down a lot, or a little?

I don’t know…but now that I have made you aware of your breathing…you can’t figure out how to get it out of your mind!

Some of you are now wondering why is your breathing “happening like that!”

Some of you might now be breathing harder or trying to slow the pace…

Some of you might just be holding your breath and panicking…

Or, some of you might do what I did…which is forget how to breath!

I am doing it right now! UGH, my mind has fallen victim to my own writing…

Alright, why am I writing about this…well, because yesterday at church I became completely aware of my breathing and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!

No joke…I was horrified…sure I was probably just being crazy…but I just could not stop what I thought sounded like a mixture of a Vuvuzela and a Light Breeze…

Ok, now, stop thinking about your breathing (if you can)…inhale..exhale…calm…

I was so embarrassed during the mass...I just could not control the idea of “breathing normally”…My brain had went into overdrive to screw with me and then (from what I could remember) I began to pant like a dog…then I couldn’t remember how to breath at all…(which REALLY made matters COMPLETELY worse!)

Now that I know some of you can compare or relate…what else is comparable to the “Noticing your Breathing” awkwardness?…An awkwardness syndrome caused by our brain's ability to act independently with the sole purpose of messing/screwing/fucking with us…

So here are some other examples of Brain Treachery:

The moment when you realize how you actually walk. This one is difficult because many factors come into play and can be perceived as awkward while walking. Next time you stand up take notice of such factors as: Does your walk appear to others as a constant running pace?...Does it look like your hips are running away from the rest of your body? Do you walk on a tilt or perhaps parts of your body lag behind? Do you take tiny or big strides? Do you flail? Do you swing you legs like a puppet? Are you the person who accidentally matches the pace of whoever is walking with you or accidentally creates a new pace…It is very strange…but the next time you walk…suddenly (because of your mind and perhaps this blog post) you might become aware of what your legs are doing (I love my walk…my hips are everywhere…but then again…what else is new)

Another one of my favorite examples (and by favorite I mean…one of the top examples I am horrified of) is what does your “listening face” look like.  We all have a “paying attention” face…the one we slap on in class when we are trying to look interested. Yet, few know what their face looks like when they read or if one is just standing idle…does your mouth gape open…do you squint…do you look ridiculous… Think of it…the next time you stare off into space…what does you face look like when you don’t remember your face is there. I have witnessed my own idle face on accident…it was not a good look…picture a face consisting of an “open mouth, angry wide eyes, and a whole lot of eyebrow at varying hieghts” all while still having a complete blank expression.

I just…I don’t even know…Welcome to the Way the Brain gets back at you for all those thoughts and actions you think go by the wayside…

SCREWING YOU OVER ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME!!!

Anyway...just wanted to write something...

More Posts Coming Soon

Lots of feedback and emails I have to reply to!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19: I Jumped, and Drank

Sometimes you just live on the edge and do things you never would…Readers, a few nights ago I had one of those “live on the edge” type of moments…I was so far on the edge that my inner dialogue was going on full rant and questioning every second of what was happening…it was like I was possessed!.

After reading that ^^^….you should all be on the edge of your seats!!...but believe me readers it was nothing “big”! (actually screw that...for me it was monumental)

So on Memorial Day after completing the family BBQ I was invited over a friend’s house for a relaxing evening. These friends are amazing people, and some of the best I know. It is amazing how kind and generous they are and how amazing this group of friends is…Anyway…back to the story...

It was an amazingly fun Memorial Day. I started off the day with sleeping in and a nice bit of relaxing while surfing the Internet for blog ideas. I had a pear for breakfast…while eating that pear I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was for it to be a Monday and not be at work. I dusted my room, cleaned out my car, and put away general crap…I then ate another piece of fruit (another pear). I prepared many things for the family BBQ including various chips and dips and also normal BBQ food (hamburgers, marinated chicken, and hotdogs)…Then family came over and we did a very normal family BBQ…nothing exciting…very cookie cutter…very Italian…very there…annnnd then I snapped slightly from the wholesome family goodness.

Don't get me wrong...as I have said in past posts I really do love my family...but I had hit my boiling point. I needed to get out of the house! So after dinner was over I was in need of something exciting…that is when the magic happened and I received a call from friends (those mentioned above) inviting me over for ANOTHER BBQ!...Miracles do occur!!!

So I went! 

WOWZA DID I HAVE FUN!

I LIVED ON THE EDGE!

and

I TURNED INTO A BEER DRINKER! (I put away the vodka for the evening and jumped right into the Becks)...It was just "good livin".

So…big news…and the somewhat point of this post...I had a “living on the edge” moment…I FREAKING JUMPED INTO THE POOL!!!! I WAS IN THE POOL!!! I, MATTEO TORRE, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR, THAT I LITERALLY JUMPED INTO THE POOL AS A CHALLENGE... WHEN NO ONE WAS IN THE POOL!!!

…ok readers you probably just rolled your eyes…but this is huge for me…I am never ever that type of person…I always make a horrible excuse and chicken out…I am just kind of not “that person” who accepts challenges like that… I was soooo proud of myself!...I stripped off my shirt...and jumped...it was all very unexpected of me...I have to admit...I was a very cool person!

HOWEVER DOWN SIDE!!!!!!!

in fact, let me rephrase

DOOOOOOOWNSIDE FROM HELL!!! Shortly after I jumped in I came to the realization that I had jumped into a very unshocked, uncleaned, and dirty pool. The pool had only recently been uncovered (about 4 minutes before I took the plunge)...so... IMPETIGO and DISEASE here I come!

I did do it however! so instead of rolling your eyes readers...Applaud me! Scream out HOORAY MATTEO!!!...AUGURI MATTEO!!!...BRAVO!!!...or just keep on reading my next few posts...which ever one works!

ANYWAY!, I know readers…I promise things and do not deliver…I have been mega busy…I have stories on the way and a bunch of half finished blog posts that I will try and put up over the weekend…School is almost out for summer!...HOORAY!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

more posts coming soon!

POST NUMERO 11: Mother's Day and Falò success!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY READERS!!!! Ok so I am starting this post off with a thank you to ALL mothers…and the most important one ever…Mine!

So My mother is the best…she has taught me how to be strong, how to be caring, how to be a dreamer…she has never spoiled me and taught me to be dedicated in order to achieve my goals, she disciplined me to the core (wooden spoon…great for stirring a pot & a quick hit), and she is always there even when I least expect it.

How to explain my mother… in essence she may look like the epitome of an overbearing Italian mother…yet, she is SO MUCH more then meets the eye!

In her five foot five stature she is the most intimidating person most people have ever met. She one time made my Middle School Principal Cry. One day I will write more about her…But Happy Mother’s Day Mom…Love you! And To all the women in my life, I wish you all a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. I am honored by your presence in my life!

Ok…that brief moment of having a heart is over now…Love you Mamma! (I promise you readers that I have a whole post dedicated to describing my family coming up soon)

so...so...true....HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!

The falò was freaking success!!!! However my beer had some crazy things going on with it (story to follow)…and In exciting drinking news…I managed to find the LAST cans of Jeremiah’s Weed with in the tritown area…this is not exageration…the man at the liquor store had to root through boxes of stuff in order to find the drink of summer! The perfect time in the woods…smell of fire…fancy spanish sausages cooked over a falò fire…amazing….and so fancy… There is just something to be said about a chill night with friends around a roaring someky fire.

Plus…friends with rum and sausgae….add a new level into everything

So I challenge you readers to have a chill night with friends…no going out…put a movie on…play a board game…put on a movie…

I sound like a shut in but in honesty I wayed the cost of everything and the fun I had and wow…it was hands down a win!

Ok so the beer I bought last night had various different label designs made by famous artists…mine read this…

“Don’t Forget you’re here forever”…
how creepy and awkward is that? I apologize for the lack of updates recently...been busy enjoying the weather!...I think I owe you readers about six posts for staying loyal!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

OH THANK YOU RUSSIA FOR BEING MY SECOND BIGGEST FOLLOWING COUNTRY!...thanks to google translate here is what I have to say to you:

Спасибо за чтение его!!!

ALSO! Happy Graduation to some amazing people...this goes out to Samantha R., Jackie C, and all those other friends whom are amazing!

POST NUMERO 9: Laziness Pizza

Ok, so yesterday and the day before blogger was losing its damn mind and I could not post anything. Every time I tried to click on something in my blog a popup would tell me about an “error message” that I needed to “report”. I was however way to lazy to see if I could fix the problem and after 4 minutes of tinkering and reloading I gave up and drank, napped, skipped working out, made a red velvet cake, and then watched television. However in the back of my mind readers I felt a sharp little pang of guilt on not being able to provide some sort of post…so I drank a little bit more.

But in honesty I felt terribly unaccomplished…so tonight I am going to try and write something somewhat alright.
Ok, so the last few days have been hectic and my “summer fever” has hit hard. I have decided to start walking during my lunch breaks instead of my normal go into my car  and cry routine (this is a joke...or is it).  Today the weather was beautiful! So, while walking today I recalled the summer I worked as a pizza delivery boy…

Finding proof that humanity is losing its mind and becoming more of a horrible subject can be found in some of the simplest places in life. For example, I detested making pizza deliveries and learned numerous life lessons from the experience. Most of these lessons revolve around the people I had to encounter and some worthwhile and not so worthwhile experiences. Here is just a small list of all the realizations that came to me as I pounded the pavement:

1)      It is an incredibly exhausting experience that no one would make easier. Imagine delivering as having to constantly get in and out of the car with other people’s searing hot groceries. People would literally stand in the door way or watch me struggle to ring a door bell with hands filled with food and not help. Luckily for me I am flexible and have the capability to open door knobs with my feet and turn the knob with my pelvis

2)      It is NOT CHEAP to be a delivery boy! The jackass restaurant I worked in did not provide a car for its deliveries. ASSUME that the poor sap hand delivering food to your door is doing so in his own car and with his own gas money. This causes an obscene amount of cash loss and that measly two dollar tip on your pizza really does not make up for anything.

3)      THE CAR WILL REEK OF FOOD FOR LIFE! The overwhelming smell of hot food wafting from the containers is not pleasant what-so-ever. The smell of pizza may be mouthwatering in a large kitchen but imagine having to deliver 23 of them a night and the lingering smell that is left in the upholstered cabin of my car. Also being someone who has a natural tendency to become car sick these smells become a torture. Long after I left the job the aroma of pizza was stuck in my brain and I was unable to eat it for a year just out of pure disgust.

4)      People lose all sense of parental instincts if they are hungry. Not to stereotype or make a false percentage but probably more then half of delivery drivers are teenagers. I know for a fact that most parents don’t like their teenagers driving around at night in downpours, blizzards, or any other bad weather. Yet these same people have no qualms about having other teenage kids deliver their pizza in the freaking Apocalypse

5)      Tying in with the last one. If I actually make it to your house in horrible weather conditions please have the decency to invite me in to where I will not be trapped in the bad weather. I am not asking to be invited in to the bedroom (or am I) or to take a shower (or am I) but I risked my life to bring you food. So the least you can do is let me come in from the rain and stand in your foyer or duck into your door

6)      Ok, at night everything looks alike so please give some description into what your house looks like or some defining characteristic. Plus after 6’oclock at night you can no longer see numbers on houses so turn on the lights and make your house known. Common courtesy would state that I (even though a stranger) should not feel like I am walking into a bad horror movie because you are too caught up in NOT making dinner to hit a few switches.

7)      People are both lazy and heartless. One woman would order delivery for her family and she lived across the street. This is not even an exaggeration. Her driveway was directly across from the exit of the restaurant. On the other side of the spectrum some would live 30 minutes or more away from the restaurant and expect a quick and speedy delivery. Here is a rule mankind, if you live far…DON’T ORDER TAKE OUT OR FIND A CLOSER PLACE THAT HAS DELIVERY! If you don’t heed this advice then please tip better.

No Tip, then No telling her I accidently dropped two of these in the grass

So, This post gave me inspiration for a few more…I owe the public 3 more posts today so be on the look out!
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO UNO

POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....

SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....

∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt

The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:

• Name: Matteo Torre
• Age:
• I am Italian
• I am epileptic
• I hate everyone
• I am terrible with names
• I can’t stand politics
• I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
• I am flexible (bendy)
• Liberal crap pisses me off
• I love to teach
• I love kids
• I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
• I may have anger issues
• I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
• Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
• ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!

So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?

Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!