Showing posts with label future best sellers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future best sellers. Show all posts

Sunday, September 23, 2012

POST NUMERO 32: The Leasing of Furniture


Alright so,
Firstly…I came to the realization last night that I never used a GOOD friend's code name in really any post...so to make up for it.... I am going to just write it 10 times…so she knows I care:

Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie Judie (not even her real name)

Tonight I went to Judie and Lens house and OH BOY! What a fun time. Whenever we get together it is always a fun time (reread the post about going night swimming down the shore and how we were almost “naaaaked and arrestedddd” ). There was a tornado warning and it stormed like a bitch. I drove 20 miles an hour and while stopping into the liquer store to buy supplies for the evening the cashier asked me what the weather was like outside (I was so wet and windblown that my clothes were see through)

Anyway, a few hours with them always does the mind good and I always learn many things…
Firstly…how nice it is to reconnect with old friends…so I saw a friend I have not seen since last year around this time…it is not that we have not tried to get together but her and I have not exactly had the easiest of schedules to incorporate “friendly bonding/bitching time”. Her name is Zucchini (this is a COMPLETE codename…basically, being that I suck with names, the first time I met her I completely and totally forgot her name…a name that is mighty exotic and amazing…so I thought she said Zucchini and I referred to her as such for months until I was finally corrected). Anyway she is kind of awesome and I just enjoy her company…So readers…I challenge you to go and find a friend and reconnect and just go for it because it is a fun fuuuuuuuuuun time.
Secondly... So amongst the group we get into meaningless conversations about growing up…tonight’s conversation revolved around an obscure financial burden that comes along with growing up. This obscure financial burden revolves around, “Leasing Furniture”.
I understand why people do lease furniture.
I have never leased furniture nor do I think I could because I need the security of knowing the couch I accidently keep drooling on is completely mine. However, it was hilarious hearing Judie, Len, and Zucchini swap stories. I have heard of leasing cars but NEVER furniture (Damn that fucking “life bubble” I grew up in). Do I really want to be paying off an ottoman for the rest of my life. So, how do I explain leasing furniture in my opinion…alright so I think leasing furniture is fine but what the real issue is (and we decided this amongst the group) is the hilarity of having to pay the bill. I mean think about it…you go and get the mail…you look through it…phone bill, cable bill, water bill, electric bill, and then you come to the envelope that tells you that the pillows on your reclining Lazyboy sectional are not technically yours yet or paid for yet. Think about it readers…all those bills and then the cherry on the top of the sundae which is a bill detailing the pending price of the object more then likely your ass is sitting on at that moment. I don’t know why I find it so funny. Plus, think about this…you can’t make the payments…what happens next…the furniture store comes and repossess a couch…CRAP…where will I sleep when I have arguments with my future wife (psh…we all know I am dieing alone and now I am also dieing couchless...). I feel like I need to create a Mafia to enforce the rules of leasing furniture…a secret underground taskforce to make sure people are paying off their couches, tables, and beds.
I picture the people dressed all in black coming to the door and saying things like, “ You didn’t pay this month…and if you can’t pay for the couch…then you're getting the ouch"

Cheers! Salute! Chin Chin!!
More Posts coming Soon!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

POST NUMERO 11: Mother's Day and Falò success!


HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY READERS!!!! Ok so I am starting this post off with a thank you to ALL mothers…and the most important one ever…Mine!

So My mother is the best…she has taught me how to be strong, how to be caring, how to be a dreamer…she has never spoiled me and taught me to be dedicated in order to achieve my goals, she disciplined me to the core (wooden spoon…great for stirring a pot & a quick hit), and she is always there even when I least expect it.
How to explain my mother… in essence she may look like the epitome of an overbearing Italian mother…yet, she is SO MUCH more then meets the eye!
In her five foot five stature she is the most intimidating person most people have ever met. She one time made my Middle School Principal Cry. One day I will write more about her…But Happy Mother’s Day Mom…Love you! And To all the women in my life, I wish you all a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. I am honored by your presence in my life!
Ok…that brief moment of having a heart is over now…Love you Mamma! (I promise you readers that I have a whole post dedicated to describing my family coming up soon)
so...so...true....HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!
The falò was freaking success!!!! However my beer had some crazy things going on with it (story to follow)…and In exciting drinking news…I managed to find the LAST cans of Jeremiah’s Weed with in the tritown area…this is not exageration…the man at the liquor store had to root through boxes of stuff in order to find the drink of summer! The perfect time in the woods…smell of fire…fancy spanish sausages cooked over a falò fire…amazing….and so fancy… There is just something to be said about a chill night with friends around a roaring someky fire.
Plus…friends with rum and sausgae….add a new level into everything
So I challenge you readers to have a chill night with friends…no going out…put a movie on…play a board game…put on a movie…
I sound like a shut in but in honesty I wayed the cost of everything and the fun I had and wow…it was hands down a win!

Ok so the beer I bought last night had various different label designs made by famous artists…mine read this…
“Don’t Forget you’re here forever”…
how creepy and awkward is that? I apologize for the lack of updates recently...been busy enjoying the weather!...I think I owe you readers about six posts for staying loyal!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

OH THANK YOU RUSSIA FOR BEING MY SECOND BIGGEST FOLLOWING COUNTRY!...thanks to google translate here is what I have to say to you:

Спасибо за чтение его!!!

ALSO!
 Happy Graduation to some amazing people...this goes out to Samantha R., Jackie C, and all those other friends whom are amazing!

Monday, May 7, 2012

POST NUMERO 7: I LIKE MY COFFEE LIKE I LIKE MYSELF – BITTER


I LIKE MY COFFEE LIKE I LIKE MYSELF – BITTER

So one time I was drinking incredibly quickly brewed coffee in the teachers lounge at school. Not the best coffee of course, not my favorite Italian Espresso or something fancy…just a nice cup of coffee (caffeine in a Peanuts Mug). So, allow me to recreate the scene, Picture I am sitting there with my coffee cup, not saying or doing anything, just savoring the moment, thinking of my next blog post, and suddenly, the only other person in the room, a fellow employee looks up at me in what appears to be complete seriousness and goes:

Anonymous Coworker: “Looks like that coffee is a little bitter for you…you should add some salt to it…the salt will take away the bitterness...”
I was Baffled...
Ok, so let me dissect this comment…
1)      What the hell was I doing that made this coworker think I was "disliking" the coffee?…Was my body doing something it should not have been?…Was I making a face?
2)      What the hell kind of comment is that to break a silence? Usually, a conversation starts with “How are you today?” or “What is up?” and if a person is going down the random conversation route, make a general comment like “Looks like it might rain later” or “That copy machine is running louder then normal.”
3)      What the frick book were you reading that told you THAT tidbit of knowledge about putting “salt” in coffee…Was it a TV show you watched, or perhaps a morning news segment…
4)      If I as so much think about putting salt in my coffee it makes me a little sick to my stomach and angry
5)      Stop looking at me.
6)      SUGAR REMOVES BITTERNESS!!! AND IT IS COFFEE! COFFEE SHOULD HAVE SOME BITTERNESS TO IT!!!
7)      Stop looking at me.
8)      Was this some sort of insult…was she perhaps hitting one me? ehhh ehhh...

But in honesty…this was what I qaulify as one of those "low points" in social interactions. Was the silence that awful! Perhaps this coworker was holding onto that fact for years and she finally found the perfect moment, the perfect person to share it with, ME!. The comment opened up the Pandora’s Box of stale chit chat and for the rest of my break period I just kept saying hollow YEAAAHs! TOTALLYs! OH REALLYs?!  And WOWs!

Also to go back…What made her say that?…I was so self conscious after she said it and  I finished my coffee in a way that must have made it look like I was in a Folgers commercial. I was making sure that in no way was I registering the uncomfortable nature of what had just happened.

Trying to think if anything happened today…nothing much at all…I shaved my head last night! That might be exciting to some! Also I now have ads on my blog that make me feel important! Hope everyone had a great Manic Monday…it is almost Friday!



CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!
 
To all my New Folowers From Malaysia, Terima kasih!!
To all my New Followers from Russia, Привет!
To my Followers in the UK.  Thanks and the Olympics should be amazing!

Happy Nurses week to the Lovely Nurse Jackie C., Nurse Jordan M., Nurse Lontai and all the other nurses whom make the world a more safe and awesome place!
Nurses...they are awesome!

Monday, April 30, 2012

POST NUMERO TWO


So where did I get the name of my blog…

When I started thinking of the working title for my blog (and hopefully one day best selling novel) I started with my life motto, “I hate everyone including…you..you..and ESPECIALLY YOU!”. However, that title is a bit bleak. I mean picture it…you walk into your neighborhood bookstore, you see all the colorful titles and familiar names, and suddenly directly in front of you is my angry face glaring and judging you…
New York Times Best Seller...I think so....
So the original title needed a bit of sprucing up…less hate and more love, a certain catchiness…
This sent my mind into OVERDRIVE...my mental gears grinding…my extreme intellect pouring over tons of formulating ideas.
THEN SUDDENLY, It hit me….I gave up thinking and listened/ stole my Amiga Kathleen’s suggestion of naming it “Tales from the Bottom of a Shotglass”. It was brilliant on her part as it describes my fun effervescent personality, as well as the fact of how a lot of my fun times and stories come from casual encounters with alcohol.

OH! on a HUGE side note… A lot/all of the pictures, designs, and imagery on my blog are going to be created by my best friend, confidant, and only person whom I would ever invite over for cake during a family event, Kayla. She is an up and coming graphic designer/ artist / kickass visionary so I am going to basically use her talents to spread her awesomeness (and make everything look oober profesh/cool on this blog). You will hear a lot about her in upcoming posts as she is a huge part of my life. Plus she is awesome…and single…if any single eligible bachelors are reading this feel free to ask more about her! OW OW! (she created that lovely book cover of me in about a total of 3 minutes...amazing...)

She is so witty (an actual real-time conversation that just occurred):
hmmm....
- Matteo Torre 7:26pm: what is it that you want to be in life
so I actually phrase it correctly
- Kayla 7:27pm: Rich
(the correct answer would be “Art Director”)

Anyway, back to topic, so “Tales from the Bottom of a Shot Glass” … I really like it and I drew inspiration from reading an article on day drinking at work (I may, or may not have been researching HOW TO successfully smuggle in alcohol to work). When I was reading through this article about “Office Drinking” I realized, WOW! I knew ALL this stuff already...not one part of the article was new or unknown to me. It was as if the author had snuck into my brain and been like…lets write down every obscure way he has gotten away with drinking in front of his EXTREMELY conservative parents for the past 8 years of his life.

Anyway, I was just thinking that it would be fun to put some of my thoughts out to the universe from time to time…and I bet it will be easier to tell which post may have some liquid courage behind them….I will Hash out more about the title in later posts…
CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!!!

*those three people in Germany who read my first two posts: danke!