POST NUMERO 44: I'm Back, I'm Not a Fan of February, and I'm Cyber Dating

Two Things:

1. Guess who just got home from a Date...
2. Guess who just remembered their password!

::Points to self:: This Guy!

I had forgotten the password to this blog over 2 years ago and I just spent the past week trying to remember not only the REAL information I put into my profile but also the fake personality I created in order to keep some anonymity...If you forget your password the only thing sites DON'T ask for is a blood sample

It was an ordeal that I can only describe as something similar to the John Cusack movie “Identity” ...which personality real or fake knew what the hell fake email I used and what my fake first pet's name was...

Ray Liotta...great movie...

So I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads blogs. In fact when I click “Next Blog” the only other blog that comes up is a German Blog featuring Bibles quotes and various religious imagery...basically the same thing as this blog...

I guess for this moment... I'll go with “Field of Dreams” logic and say, “If I write it...they will come”

Ray Liotta was also in this movie....

OK, it has been over two years since the last time I posted anything, and the only reason I am posting is because the date went so bad that I thought of topics the whole time.

Let me catch you up on the past 2 years (Here are ten at random):

1. My life has been chaos as normal
2. I still have no Idea what I want to do as a “grown up” or how to act as one
3. I have fell into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery (although harsh sounding, this is not exaggeration)
4. I remember very little of 2014 & 2015
5. I have developed an adorable and endearing habit of making bird noises at people in order to get their attention
6. I probably curse and use profanity about 60% more then I did in Fucking 2013
7. I have added many more items to my list of “Things I can't stand/hate”
8. I have developed an addiction to “On demand”
9. I have had Tina Turners “Private Dancer” stuck in my mind on repeat for the past 2 years
10. I still freaking love Backpacks

OK, so they are not the best facts but it is hard to think when my father is watching “Jersey Boys” at the highest volume down the hall (Not kidding, I am expecting the neighbors to call for a noise complaint any second now)

So,

Sorry not Sorry for not writing...but here are the excuses...

1. My computer broke and I lost everything...I lost all the work on the “Book”...You would think that being born in the era of budding technology I would have learned to back my shit up...but I didn't.
2. I have been using my time on other social media websites...Instagram has grown on me...Snapchat not so much...
3. I now Ebay!
4. Why did no one tell me that blogging is dead! HOWEVER, from what I hear, “Vlogging” is the new “Blogging” and that is not going to happen because the guy behind these words is 185 pounds of Eyebrows and Hostility.
5. I got a new computer...I hate it...If Satan Endorsed a computer it would be the Lenovo IdeaPad 100...
6. Etc...Etc...Etc...

So...It is February...the Shittiest time of the year...

In my opinion, February is the year's equivalent of stepping on something wet when wearing just socks...

It is the most bone-chilling month of the year...February does not fall into the pleasant “Winter Wonderland” type of cold, but is more of a brutal “rips your face off” cold. Sure, November, December, and January are freezing BUT there are holidays and constant food to dull the pain. February has nothing...just sadness, emotions, and cold. It is so bad that even father time made it proportionately shorter then the rest of the other months just so we can get it done faster.

But the Absolute Worst part of February...Valentine's Day...

My quick summary about Valentine's Day: Valentines Day is a grotesque consumerist Hallmark holiday designed to make people feel awful about their lives...It is the worst...

There is only one good thing that has came out of Valentine's Day in the past 30 years...

"I cho-cho-choose you."....

Anyway, so onto the date....it crashed, it burned, and I still had to pay for it.

So how it began:

I recently and hilariously joined online dating...and let me tell you...it is like swimming in an “un-chlorinated” public pool...

I don't know exactly why I joined but I remember who told me to try online dating and they said, “What is the worst that could happen...” or was it “You need all the help you can get...what is the worst that could happen” It was probably more of the second...

So I went to the very popular “PlentyoFish.com”. I set up a profile, picked out a non offensive photo, and wrote something about the things I love (The Walking Dead, Travel, Fresh Fruit, Pizza, Walks on the Beach, and Food). I resisted every urge to write about how I'm a sarcastic Asshole and I tried to stay as normal as possible. I kicked my feet up, and waited for the responses and matches to roll in.

After about 2 weeks I finally got my first message which turned out to be a computer generated response telling me that I did not confirm my account and until I verify my profile I would not be published. Little did I know that would be the most promising email I would receive from that moment on...

Why? Why do I not see the promise?! What is Online Dating?! Well, Online dating is a sad, soul crushing hell where good guys (Like myself) go to die a slow painful death by way of ignored messages, false hope, and empty inboxes.

Like me, most guys will look through profile after profile and send carefully crafted messages that show both interest and attention to detail. ALL of them will not respond...wait, one will....but wait...she is awful...this is how it went tonight:

A “cool” girl wrote me and we made some good conversation back and forth. It was banter at its best and we swapped stories about vacations, our jobs, and our favorite movies. It was going well so I asked her to meet up “in real life.” I wanted something cozy, and fun so I settled on hitting up a bar down the street plus I figured why not start with what I do best, drinking.

We met up there and I am not one to ever be nervous, but, I found myself struggling for conversation...

FUN FACT: I try to stay the same or strive to be better then what I portray online and I was quickly realizing that she was not as pretty or funny as I had hoped she'd be or as her profile stated. Something was different about her photo from how she looked in real life, and I was positive that she had not seen half the movies that we chatted about. None of her profile seemed to jive with what she was saying and the “interests” we shared seemed to be talked about with an almost “just googled it quickly” amount of knowledge. Yet we trudged on, ordered some food for the table, and we chatted. She kept checking her phone...This was the “Crash”

Onto the “Burn”...Then the judgmental ass in me began to emerge...I realized she kept saying how, Her and her single friends are going to be celebrating something called, “GAL-antine's Day” by drinking Mimosas and going to brunch...The word by the end of the night became like nails on a chalk board to my ears.

The conversation went as such:

Me: So tomorrow I have no plans, but I can't stand this cold...it is too cold to do anything

Her: Yeah, me too, but I hope it does not effect my “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

or

Me: So I hear, “The Walking Dead” comes back tomorrow...are you excited?

Her: Yes, can't wait to relax and watch it after “GAL-antine's Day” and then she would check her phone...

I'd say tomato, and she'd say...”Gal-antine's Day!” and then she would check her phone...

No big deal though, I could not fault her excitement about something stupid...and I kindly and warmly kept replying back about; How fun it all sounded and how I hope she has a good time (which I actually meant)...But she talked of nothing else...Nothing...At one point I was just hoping to start an argument just to see if she could find a way to fit GAL-antine's Day into the fight...

BUT WAIT this is where is got really bad, the phone checking...what was the constant phone checking... Then I noticed the fact of how (and I only noticed because I could see the reflection of her phone in the window behind her) she was on TINDER during our date. Yes that is right folks...bitch was Tindering while we were talking about our life goals. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LEFT SWIPING AND RIGHT SWIPING WHILE WE SAT THERE! I was dumb founded and thank you JESUS we went someplace with Booze...

But there was sadly no chemistry...it was just awkward conversation...I called it quits, paid, and went home...was it worth it, not really. Was her profile a bucket of lies and did I find her to be a waste of a night...ABSOLUTLY!

Sitting in the booth with her (as she surfed TINDER and ate my Sweet Potato Fries) my mind wandered...I made some rules to try and combat the pitfalls of online dating:

1. On Internet dating sites everyone is uniquely the same...Everybody loves books and is well-read, everyone enjoys jogging in the park and running marathons, everyone listens to the coolest music and watches the hottest TV shows. Everyone is intellectual, grown-up, refined and perfect...WELL, that is all Bull Crap...Realize that people are trying to sell themselves and nothing makes people more desperate and dishonest then when trying to find love... Don't trust anyone.
   
   
2. 
   
   Watch out for People who misrepresent themselves in their photos or who have thousands of other people in their photo. If the photo looks like a girls Volleyball team photo or the Kappa Kappa Sorority class portrait more then likely I can guarantee that the one you think is the cute one is not the one who owns the profile. It is a trick! RED ALERT! TRICK! Watch I'll Give you an Example...The person the yellow arrows are point to... that is the Girl who actually owns the profile...example:
   
   
   
   
3. People, and it has been proven, have a way to look completely different online because the pictures they use are drastically outdated or heavily edited. Woman are more likely to post a photo looking like Kim Kardashian but in real life look like Caitlyn Jenner. Watch out for this and ask for photos. If you are not a creep and you are actually trying to find love and vice versa then the girl should provide...don't be a dick though and not reciprocate (I'm talking in terms of clean none xxx photos...you be you though...I won't tell you how to live your life...). Ask for photos involving vacations and or life events (If she ran that marathon she should have at least one photo)...it is just a good way to get a better view of who she is.
4. Look out for ANYONE who's profile picture is them posing in a Bathroom Mirror...this is more of a Pet Peeve of mine but I have realized it rings true most of the time. If you are posing in a bathroom mirror...I don't even know...is it the lighting...I'm just going to assume it is the only room in your house...Is it that hard to find a more interesting place to take a photo or to set a timer...Especially being that most the times the photos are either in a public bathroom where I know someone is hiding in the stall until you leave, or in your home where the mirror is covered in dirt and old toothpaste...Just the second I see a reflection I automatically raise the red flag.

Anyway, Tonight Sucked...BUT I'M BACK!

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 31: Templates, and Fall Bucket Lists

So, to all those who emailed me about my blog design…Alright, I am really going to try and get some designing done on this blog! I have not done anything and everything is still so WHITE!! However…being that I am incredibly indecisive, I shift through the Blog Templates and the Free Template Sites…and I find everything is just so BLAAAAH! I want something manly, and simple. Plus the design has to get the point across that I hate everyone. Anyway, if anyone wants to teach me how the hell to work this website…it would be greatly appreciated…PLUS, Kayla is coming up with some amazing Ideas…so I would love to know how to implement them…at one point!

Also, A lot of readers have been emailing me about the photos and illustrations that have appeared in my past few posts. Ok, Let me put your minds to rest, I KNOW they suck and that there are numerous typos and inconsistencies…listen, I REALLY KNOW because I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THEM!…but in my defense I AM making these photos on Microsoft Paint….which, after piecing together shit for hours making those back to school lists, I have come to conclusion that Microsoft Paint is a program co-designed by Satan, Hitler, and Jeffery Dahmer to inflict as much frustration as possible on a program that only does about 6 functions. It is the absolute worse…

but Microsoft paint is all I have right now…but soon Kayla (best friend art/ artistic genius) will work here fancy stuff magic and Photoshop awesomeness…

Where was I going with this…because it can’t all be about the blog…

Alright…FALL HAS BEGUN and I am already making steps to enjoy the comfortable cool weather as I spent all afternoon outside selling tomatoes (yes…on the street…outside my house…like a wierdo) …while outside I started day dreaming of stuff that I must do this fall…stuff that will add into the whole “keeping sane” during the work year goal.

So I decided to start making a fall themed bucket list of “fun” things to do during the autumn season… It is another way (If my plan goes accordingly) I will be able to make it through the fall and winter months. I will try and complete 3 things on the list per day as well as add at least 4/5 things to the list everyday (I am not going to post this shit though…no need to bore my worldly readers…but I will post the good ones!).

The Bucket list is simple enough, should not be really complicated, and the listed Items are not brain science…just SIMPLE, QUICK, and EASY ways to enjoy Autumn!

So I recommend everyone tries it…make a definition of Fall and go with that base to plan out some events. To me, Autumn screams comfort and friend time… It is just the coziest of all the seasons…I’m not sure if it’s because the season is changing, the holidays are coming closer…or because I just really like fall but

… here we go…

AUTUMN BUCKET LIST 2012:

1)  Take notice of the leaves changing color by actually going for a walk or just looking up. (DONE)

2)  Find something Pumpkin to really enjoy (perhaps some sort of Alcohol…and by “perhaps”  I mean FIND “FALL-cohal”)

1)      Carve a Pumpkin.

2)      Run to Work at least once.

3)      Set up a street side fruit/tomato stand (DONE)

4)      Go to a bon fire/ falò  (DONE)

5)      Nap outside

6)      Drink (DONE)

7)      Drink (DONE)

8)      Start dressing like a lumberjack

See, none of them are that hard what so ever…and I have already went back and checked off many of the 10 original items. (…HA!…looks like I already got a head start)

Anyway…another post coming tomorrow…should be fun!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 28:Going Back to Work and Fall Tips

Sometimes, like right now, I suddenly sit bolt upright, shake my head, and scream (in my own head)
WTF am I doing?!?

So as Summer 2012 finishes I realize I have accomplished little or nothing that I had planed…Zippo…nada…zilch…EPPERS!

But don’t worry…I know summer 2013 is fast approaching…along with Christmas…and new years…and DAMN IT this was a suck-tastic summer...

Anyway, I slightly enjoy this time of year because I get flashbacks to when I was younger. Back when a curly haired, innocent, adorable, and non-cynical Matteo used to hop and skip his way to school. Whose idea of “getting wild” was fighting trees during recess. Whom would drool over back to school items and could not wait to going crashing and crackling through lead piles. I really was cute back then…really really cute…but then I grew up and now…ehhhh…such is life…

So now that I am a grown up this time of year primarily means…::drum roll::

GOING BACK TO WORK!!!

And BACK TO WORK I GO!

But, Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?

I spent all summer dreading going back to teaching…however, now that it has started I have begun to get back into the rhythm of it all…why fight the inevitable…

Anyway here are a few Matteo tips to help transition back into the real world and out of summer mode…

1)      Declutter…as soon as Labor Day hits I make it a point to already have cleaned out my room and put away all stuff that rarely comes out during any other part of the year…this includes stuff such as Sun block, extra sunglasses, beach passes, baseball hats, and other “what-evers” that just might bring about that sudden summer mode.

2)      Hide your freaking beach gear…the second that Labor Day comes around I put away all the beach gear…I pack away the beach chairs, beach umbrella, and beach toys and put them all in the basement. I also put the beach towels and blankets back into the closet…With all of it hidden away there is no need to see them as I jet off to work in the mornings and torture my mind with dreaming that I could be lounging around on sand and surf…Out of Site…Out of Mind

3)      The dreaded but necessary switching of the clothing…once again this pains me to do as I organize my stuff and put away my summer clothing…I don’t put them far (just incase I feel like quitting life and running away to some island) but I just reorganize my closet so a pair of jeans is closer for the choosing over a pair of shorts and a pair of sneakers is easier to find then a pair of flip flops. It just makes life easier…plus if you are like me…you can still probably smell the beach and sun on MOST of your summer clothes so it is better to have them away then having them be a fragrant temptress ready to help you freeze your ass off.

4)      Start doing fall things…for example…I planted a pumpkin! (Little joys in life)

5)      Work starts…start working…

6)      School starts…start schooling…

7)      Start the PLEASANT autumn thoughts early: the cooler weather, the autumn colours and smells, the first fire in a fireplace on a crisp autumn evening, the craving for pumpkin soups and pies, the wind rustling through the thinning trees…It is not the brilliant sound of waves crashing or the amazing heat of summer…but autumn has wonderfully vivid moments that you can notice and ENJOY during the commute to work or just when taking a breather…

8)      Switch your drink…trade Corona for Fall Lager, then trade Vodka…with well, VODKA!! (vodka…the season defying drink)

9)      For those still in school and who work till mid afternoon…TRULY UTILIZE the thinning time between ending of school or work and sunset. As fall comes around in my neck of the United States it begins to get dark around 6ish…so for that short time in between I have been trying to go outdoor “hiking” or  “jogging” (I don’t know why I put those words in sketchy air quotes but my fingers did it with out my mind realizing…soooo…my subconscious must be trying to tell me something…)

10)  Stock up on cold medications, and refill ALL necessary sickness combating stuff…this just safeguards for when the day DOES begin to suddenly get colder at night and you get the sniffles

11)  DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS…(I repeat…I planted a pumpkin)…Just do something that you can look forward to after work…work sucks…everyone knows it…but in order to keep sane…plan a few nights out, do a game night, drink and eat…people take an awkward pause because they are all depressed about saying goodbye to summer and then well into fall they actually begin to utilize the season…well blah blah blah…just keep it interesting…and don’t take the break because of work. EVERYONE uses work as an excuse but just use it to heighten the fun at night…

12)  DON’T TALK ABOUT WORK UNLESS YOU ARE AT WORK…my policy when I get home is that “WHEN AT HOME…I DO NOT…IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…TALK ABOUT WORK!!!” Why do I want to ruin my intro to fall by talking about the bastard that is work!...Just leave it out…and use any down time to just enjoy the moment

13)  Some people I have talked to have very awkward limitations on what traditions can be transferred from Summer into Fall…one of the biggest examples of this is I see people lugging in their BBQs while driving home from school…I think that a BBQ is a wonderful way of keeping calm during impending fall and as the work load commences…not everything has a very true start and finish point and a Hamburger is amazing no matter what…so keep BBQing!

14)  So I enjoy being outdoors…the air is just so crisp…but I also pride myself on being a couch potato…soooooo…find something to watch at night so it distracts you…most shows start the first or second week of September so pick something and go with it…it could be a returning show or something new…but it is just nice to find that series or show that you can turn on and rely on to pass time…(come on American Horror Story and come back on!). Some nights I enjoy just going with the flow and picking a show at random (especially if it is a drama it gives me something to think about on the ride to work…)

15)  NO IT IS NOT COLD…it is COLDER! What?! Ok so…as WEEK AGO it was 70…this week it is 65…some how though (and I suffer from it as well) we all think it is suddenly FREEZING outside! However, just bring some layers…it helps at work especially when air conditioners might still be set to max chill. Plus you might be cold because you did not follow tip number 3 and are still running around looking like a beach threw up on you.

16)  Don’t fall for the decoy HOT day…Mother Nature can totally be a bitch at times and make an upcoming day in the upcoming months a very believable scorching summer day…but don’t fall for it and be like YEAH IT FEELS LIKE JUNE! LET’S ALL CAR POOL DOWN TO THE BEACH DURING OUR LUNCH BREAKS! SUMMER IS HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Because it is not…and it won’t be…and it will rather embarrassing and disappointing the next day when you are known as the, “Person who freaked out because of warmth”

I don’t know…I want to give more tips but (aside from sheer lazyness)…basically…even though work has started and summer has came to a close…keep up spirits everyone! Do not make the awkward “womp womp” sad pause and rather just jump in with both feet…anyway…more posts coming soon…now that it is fall I am going to try and write more (what a hollow promise...damn it!)

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 22.1: Quick Message

Oh I forgot, here is just a quick personalized shout out comprised of false names, and lack of detail!

DEAR MORGAN & LAURA,
REMEMBER ALWAYS, THAT BITCHES BE BITCHES!...AND THAT BITCHES AIN'T SHIT!
SINCERELY,
MATTEO

I will explain "Bitches ain't shit" in another post!
cheers, salute, chin chin!!!