POST NUMERO 41: The Calender Post Returns!

So…guess what has not happened in a long time…

A calendar post…

So…guess what this post is about…

AUGUST’s CALENDER POST!

Readers…I’ll be honest…I don’t know where most of you live so, Tomorrow/Today/Yesterday/Etc. is the first day of August…

Frankly August…I don’t think I like you much…

I like you August…but I don’t like you August…It is not me…it’s you…

August…I don’t understand you…

HUH?

I did not understand what I wrote either…

I will admit my indifference to August…I don’t know…I just don't know if I like it or not...

So, why the indifference? I believe it stems from my life being crap…just kidding…it stems from the fact of how I am not a “complete summer minded person” and the fact of how my life is currently in limbo  (and also because my life is crap).

Here is some of my reasoning…

1⁾ I love the weather, but hate the heat I am a weather snob. I am incredibly picky about my weather and when it is too hot or humid I turn into a terrible person (or, more of a terrible person). August in New Jersey is just hot…hot…and hotter. It is the damn hottest month of them all! I can not stand the New Jersey heat, however I love “Vacation Heat”. I can stay outside for hours in the sweltering temperatures if I am in Florida or back in the home country (Italy). I think it is because in Florida and Italy I am never more then an arms length (with cigarette extension) away from a Pool to dive into or a Ocean to float around in…

Here in Jersey though…I have nothing…No beach, no pool, just the water hose…SO HOT OUTSIDE!

2⁾ August you are a necessary snoozefest August is a lazy ass month…it is just sooooo lazy… Need Proof of how lazy it is, I bet you are currently reading this with your computer balanced on your stomach, next to a list you made of stuff you should have done this summer, as you half-watch an old Friends rerun with one end of a straw in your mouth and the other in a can of something cold…wait, maybe that is just me…

Now I am not opposed to this Laziness, and I am perfectly OK with the fact of how August is the perfect time for laziness…But seriously what else is happening/ what else are you going to do today. If you so much as poke a finger outside then you are drowned in an ocean of sweat and humidity… But, I love being lazy…

3⁾ The result of necessary seclusion By this point in the summer…nothing is really happening in the outside world…There are no good movies playing, all magazines and stores are dedicating themselves to fall and back to school, the malls are probably displaying Christmas stuff by now, and the beach...I repeat…it is hot! It is the “stay indoors month” You have eleven other months to be social, move your legs, and inhale non-conditioned air…

4⁾ Wind through my Willows In my house we don’t use Air Conditioning…if you want to cool down you have two options…lay underneath a fan and relax…or STFU! I however carry around an electric fan with me plugging it in everywhere I go…

5⁾ Back to School Buzz…for Kids= hell, and for parents= THANK GOD!

6⁾ Losing my bare necessities I give up bad habits due to family vacation…this is probably one of the biggest reasons… August is “Torre Family Vacation” Month…There for truly again my I nature I turn into a complete and total Angel. I bottle up every craving and bad habit and usually flip out somewhere around September…THIS IS THE BIGGEST REASON WHY I CAN’T STAND AUGUST… I’ll elaborate in a future post…

⁷⁾ Losing my mind counting down the days I am not doing anything and just mope around all day. I even took the time to make a list of things to do before September arrives and I have completed nothing. It was stupid of me to work during the summer when I did not truly have to…but it is almost done and I spend my after work hours taking naps and sitting underneath my fan wonder which way the damn blades should go…

Anyway,

So August is known for many things…

Firstly as a Month it is both “Family Fun Month” and “Admit You’re Happy Month”… (HEY LOOK!, two reasons why I should dislike August…)

Food and drink wise it is “National Catfish Month”, “Peach Month”, “National Picnic Month”, and “Water Quality Month” …love me some peaches and water…

Health wise…It is STD Awareness Month, Romance Awareness Month (STDs and Romance…Silly August), and National Eye Exam Month

The 3^rd is National Mustard Day

The 8^th is “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day”…which I assume is an Innuendo (giggity)

The 12^th is “Acknowledge your Middle Child Day”…which is the only time you should acknowledge them, so, use it wisely middle children of the world!

The 21^st is “National Old People Day”

And on the 29^th…the ever important, “Use Herbs not salt Day” …which I assume is code for something illegal…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 34: April, and That One Riddle that is in My Mind

So, it has been far too long….Happy April!

Let’s act like this long time away never happened…we were perhaps, on a break?...

I just realized I have been watching A LOT of friends

I don’t have much to say in this post because not much has happened…or rather…more of the same…which in this case is just me sitting at my desk and burning out my retinas with my terrible new desk lamp.

Since the beginning of the month, the few times I have rejoined humanity have been incredibly awkward (SHOCKER!)

I walk around with soft elevator music playing on repeat in my mind and I constantly contemplate how I have the strangest urge to ask everyone that grade school riddle, “April Showers bring May Flowers but what do “May Flowers” bring?”

The answer to the riddle is “Pilgrims” (or to be more accurate…Pilgrims, numerous contagious diseases, tuberculosis, and a hostile “take over and slay the natives” attitude)

If you did not understand this riddle your childhood was probably terrrrible.

I have been so busy that my life is just kind of bland right now...This "becoming a real person" thing really reeeeally sucks….

Anyway, April is an Absurd Month!

It always brings along some sort of uneasiness as the bitch of winter is finally passing and spring arrives…

Take notice readers that all the people who had winter cabin fever come out of ‘hiding’ for the spring and unleash their seasonal depression upon the masses..

Even worse…those same people usually have the worst allergies in the world so they literally exit the house all excited about the sunlight and the warming temperature and just basically die from a high pollen count….crazy crazy mother nature!

Also in April everyone has this moment when you are suddenly confronted by that one friend whom you have not seen for a long time and you think to yourself, “Where the hell has she been?!” and then you remember…”Nope, It has just been Winter!”

Anyway things to know about April:

April has some huge holidays…

April Fools' Day (April 1)
Earth Day (April 22)

And of course one of the biggest days of the year…the ever important

Arbor Day  (April 5)

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month, National Food Month, National Soft Pretzel Month ...And National Stress Awareness Month. Which is funny because…Drinking, eating, and pretzels are the way I alleviate my stress…Oh Silly Me!

It is also “National Older People Month”…and I don’t understand exactly what that means…so Um…go hug someone who is Older then you?…it is also…and I am quoting the commercial that just played on the television (how convenient), “Pets are Wonderful Month” …and I agree…Pets are Wonderful! And if you agree…find my previous post about pets…WAIT I will give you the link: http://matteotorre.blogspot.com/2012/05/post-numero-6-pets-and-such.html
I am so clever it hurts...

And Finally…One that is Very near and dear…

April is National Autism Awareness Month

Research, Give Back, and Donate: http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/showHomePage.do

LIGHT IT UP BLUE!

WOAH ABRUPT FUN FACT:  If you were lucky enough to invest in a small computer company in April of 1976 – you are probably a billionaire today: Apple Inc. was founded April 1, 1976.

Wow…I am currently glaring at my parents for not investing in freaking Apple…I am also looking at my cell phone and realizing I still have an old Blackberry…so HA!, I guess I am still not making any investment in Apple either.

ANYWAY!, more posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 31.2: Whoops, Black Out advice

WOW! I forgot a huge thing from my last crappy post!

I forgot to add one more AMAZING way of surviving a black out...in fact this might be one of the most positive and beneficial survival tips:

RED WINE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED

Yes, that is right...when bad weather hits...and everything in the refrigerator starts to head south...just remember that most liquor never really goes bad...and most does not require refrigeration!
So next time bad weather is on its way...stock up!

It's a good thing...

Blacking out does have numerous meanings after all!

More Posts Coming Soon

Calendar Post Coming Soon

HOLIDAYS COMING SOON!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 27: Post Numero 1...again!!!

HELLO READERS, I decided to Repost my first post ever!...I am getting more subscribers everyday so I might as well give a refresher on who I am...So WOAH, mind trip...flash back...here is my first post from a while...

OH and expect another post soon...and if you have already read this post (which I bet you all have because when stumbling across a random ass blog on the internet I KNOW everyone automatically goes to the first post every made)...reread it and bask in my awesomeness...

POST 1

So why am I writing this “thing”. I really can’t even call it a blog…you will see when reading it that it is more of a huge thought on paper. One huge unending ramble that seems to make sense and yet doesn’t all at the same time. In fact, now that I truly think about it, I really am not that great of a writer.  Most my writing sounds like a mixture of conversation from a chatroom and a third grade book report. You will see classic chatroom and messaging lingo such as “…” and “haha” in this blog as well as typos, lack of grammar, and words I think are real but in fact are not. I got the idea to write a blog from basically everyone around me (mostly my best friends and those who laugh at my pain). It started out as a way to put into words my life and the happenings around me; this however is far from a journal. I will try and keep this as far from a tacky MTV scripted show as possible. I began writing this through my late-teens into my mid-twenties and have taken many pauses along the way for various reasons (most stemming from pure unadulterated laziness).  What I present however is what I feel is an accurate description of the world according to my eyes.

I bet you, the "reader", just rolled your eyes and went, “Well who the hell are you to give me a description of the world…your not famous or blabbity blah…blahblah blah…blah blah…!” Well true I am not famous. I am not a celebrity. I do not know any celebrities. In fact, I am so far removed from fame that I should basically call myself the “anti-famous” (sounds like a term that deserves jazz-hands...try it, say “anti-famous” with jazz-hands). Odds are many of you did not do the jazz-hands, your loss....

SO! onward we go...

Introductions are a curious literary tool. A blog like this seems to have a need for one, yet the whole grandeur of an introduction strikes me as essentially pointless. While I suppose some people will read these lines, I can not help but feel that most will do it out of sheer politeness....

∙Ok, So who am I?

The classroom/ dating site description:

Hi!, My name is Matteo Torre, I am ____ years old. I like music and musical theater. I enjoy playing sports especially soccer. I have one older brother whom I am very close with and whom people have always mistaken as my twin. My parents are amazing. I have no pets but I always wanted a dog. If I had a dog I would call him basil (like the herb). I went to University where I majored in Italian and Education as a Social Science. One day I hope to teach third grade. I am catholic and go to church regularly. I grew up in New Jersey. My favorite food is pasta with pesto sauce and simple chicken cutlets breaded lightly with breadcrumbs. I am not at all adventurous with food and like my meat cooked thoroughly through and well done (not bloody, red, or pink…I like to know it is good and done). I have a severe sweet tooth and love snacking in between meals. My favorite season is early fall because that’s when you can truly see the beauty of nature all around you. I enjoy fall because it is when the weather is warm during the day and brisk at night. My least favorite season is spring because I find it too wet and damp. I love television and I spend a lot of time on the internet. I enjoy literature and reading. My favorite television show would be Jeopardy and my favorite genre of music is jazzy-pop-funk. My favorite books are those of the scary mystery genre. I love running on the beach.

^so pleasant it should make your teeth hurt

The resume description:

Matteo Torre: My academic and professional goals are to follow in my parents’ footsteps by becoming a teacher and teaching in an urban setting.  Furthermore, I wish to become an active mentor in the lives of young people and parents alike.

^so professional it should make you want to hire me right away...then again the name of this blog is "tales from the bottom of a shot glass"...so VERY professional...

The real description:

Hi, my name is Matteo Torre. I pretty much dislike everyone. I really like show tunes and I sing along to almost any song I can. I can’t stand watching sports unless they are big events like the World Cup or the Olympics. When people talk to me about sports I repeat to them what they are saying only rephrased so they think I know what I am talking about. I love animals and always wanted a dog but I could never handle the responsibility. I am allergic to cats and they cause my eyes to go all funky and my throat to close. I curse A LOT!  I really dislike everyone. When people talk and I don’t know the topic or don’t care I either bullshit my way out of it, or dub it over into something more interesting. I am a master at getting my way and I enjoy calling myself a self proclaimed con-artist. I am awesome at life. I can’t stand people whom are self proclaimed “edgy”, “trying to make a statement”, or “different on purpose”. I enjoy being normal. I can NOT stand people who talk about politics, or people who spew propaganda crap. My favorite books are the Harry Potter series and I will reread them to the day I die.  I judge everyone, I am judgmental, I tend to jump to conclusions, and usually I have a knack for being right. I love brushing my teeth. I can’t stand when people pronounce my name wrong and then are able to pronounce names twice as hard as mine. I hate liberal bull crap. I strikeout completely with the ladies and have as much game as a rain cancelled baseball tournament. I call people out on the bullshit they say but I do not like talking to new people. I am conniving. Don’t challenge me on shit.

^haha wow I am a complete jackass

The check list version of me:

• Name: Matteo Torre
• Age:
• I am Italian
• I am epileptic
• I hate everyone
• I am terrible with names
• I can’t stand politics
• I am EXTREMELY cheap (spending money literally makes me feel like vomiting)
• I am flexible (bendy)
• Liberal crap pisses me off
• I love to teach
• I love kids
• I can’t stand when people give me the time in none number format (fuck you “quarter to six”…just say the damn numbers)
• I may have anger issues
• I can’t do math for shit (2+2=39)
• Some people get a 5o’clock shadow, I get a 5o’second shadow
• ANYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN TO ME!

So after reading the following you should have a better understanding of who I am, right?

Some of you are for sure going, “WOW what a S.O.B!”, or others might be thinking, “This would be a fun person to have at a party!” Some may even being going, “wow, I never realized that I have the same interest in dental hygiene and hatred for certain ways of saying the time”. If you don’t really have a clue yet of who I am go slowly reread "POST 1” portion of this blog and then stick in for the long run as the rest of this blog will go into detail. If it helps, I for one don’t really know whom I am ::cue the sappy music:: so I can’t really put it into an EXACT definition. Think of me as an inner conscious through out reading this blog. One who is trying to kick the crap out of your own conscious until you close of of the internet. Put yourself in my shoes and know that through out all the freaking happenings in my life I still turned out…fine…alright…ok…ehhhhh.

To you readers…from the moment you start reading…Enjoy!



ANYWAY, this was from months ago...
HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon...I promise....

POST NUMERO 29: Welcome September, and the New Resolution Month

Just Realized I gave No monthly welcome...what the HELL is wrong with me!

Alright, so it is September...almost October (whoops)...and it may be midway through the month already but September and I have always been indifferent and fine with each other...SO TIME TO GIVE IT AN INTRO!

In fact, September may very well be one of my favorite months…

The temperatures begins to cool…and OF COURSE happy news…the Crap Month of August is DONE!!!

This month for people of all ages is an Exciting one. It is the month that School restarts...which I have always enjoyed in small doses...more when I was a child then now...

With school restarting…I would love to find the ONE person who could honestly tell me that they did not get a SURGE of EXCITEMENT when they would receive their school schedules...and more specifically their school supplies list (I fricking loved those lists...)

However throughout my life the school supply list went from this…

I can't even tell you how much I want these right now!!

To this…

Behind the bottles are a box of crayons and a glue stick

For sports fans September starts Football, Football, Football, and MORE FOOTBALL.

Those reasons aside…I feel that September is the PERFECT time to make some true changes in your life. It is such an optimal time to make resolutions and a fall bucket list.

Readers, some of you might be scratching you head and saying, “Listen Matteo…you know that JANUARY is the resolution/change month ya stupid Bastard!!!!”

Yeah yeah yeah…I know that…but September, in my opinion, feels like a whole bigger adventure then New Years could ever be. So, I am WELL aware of how January is the month where everyone actually starts to brag about there resolutions and life changes but I am telling you readers…start them in September and they Stick!

NOW EVERYONE….ALL TOGETHER NOW…ASK…WHY?!

Alright,

1)      September is a natural redo…it is a restart month…School begins, Jobs recommence, days begin to drag on and nights begin to get cooler. It is just one of those times where you have to accept the fact of how summer is done and real life starts again. So why not start with a new mentality

2)      You begin to realize a schedule and then come to terms with the fact of how important it is to stick to it. For example…school begins and the schedule returns to a monotonous normalcy. However, along with fall comes the adventure and thrill of breaking the schedule (living on the edge)…even if it may mean dire diiiiiiiiiiire consequences.

3)      With cooler weather…comes great weather…. and with great weather comes plenty of time to kick back and relax outdoors…

4)      September can be the “resolution month” with out all the hoopla and pressure of being a “resolution month”. For example if your want to start working out more…you can fly underneath the radar and do it without anyone putting unnecessary pressure on you.

5)      Fall has a natural learning quality to it…as children we became accustomed to leaning new things after summer. We are all pre-conditioned and trained to succeed when we learn that way every year. Think of it as a habit that is hard to break. September is the perfect time to take advantage of this as after baking in the summer months…the brain can be replenished.

All Right time to talk about what to do during September and all the fun UNKNOWN days and why the month is fabulous…

So September is Self Improvement Month! It is also Classical Music month so turn down the bass and turn on the classics…wow September is also “Fall Hat Month” so reader break out your fall hats (what exactly is a fall hat…I know winter hats exist…but fall…hmmm?)… National Courtesy Month (hold a door open and show some polite and humane qualities to others you jerks)…Chicken Month…National Blueberry Popsicle Month (yum)…International Square Dancing Month (YEEEEHAAAAWW!)

Although we already miss it…

September 2nd was “National Beheading Day”

September 5th was “National Cheese Pizza Day”

September 9th was “Grandparent’s Day”

And days to Come…

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19th is National Butterscotch Pudding Day

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day

September 22nd is Elephant Appreciation Day

September 22nd is the beginning of Oktoberfest

Break it down now....

ANYWAY, more posts coming soon...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 25.5: Quick Olympic Advice

now go turn it on...

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!