POST NUMERO 34: April, and That One Riddle that is in My Mind

So, it has been far too long….Happy April!

Let’s act like this long time away never happened…we were perhaps, on a break?...

I just realized I have been watching A LOT of friends

I don’t have much to say in this post because not much has happened…or rather…more of the same…which in this case is just me sitting at my desk and burning out my retinas with my terrible new desk lamp.

Since the beginning of the month, the few times I have rejoined humanity have been incredibly awkward (SHOCKER!)

I walk around with soft elevator music playing on repeat in my mind and I constantly contemplate how I have the strangest urge to ask everyone that grade school riddle, “April Showers bring May Flowers but what do “May Flowers” bring?”

The answer to the riddle is “Pilgrims” (or to be more accurate…Pilgrims, numerous contagious diseases, tuberculosis, and a hostile “take over and slay the natives” attitude)

If you did not understand this riddle your childhood was probably terrrrible.

I have been so busy that my life is just kind of bland right now...This "becoming a real person" thing really reeeeally sucks….

Anyway, April is an Absurd Month!

It always brings along some sort of uneasiness as the bitch of winter is finally passing and spring arrives…

Take notice readers that all the people who had winter cabin fever come out of ‘hiding’ for the spring and unleash their seasonal depression upon the masses..

Even worse…those same people usually have the worst allergies in the world so they literally exit the house all excited about the sunlight and the warming temperature and just basically die from a high pollen count….crazy crazy mother nature!

Also in April everyone has this moment when you are suddenly confronted by that one friend whom you have not seen for a long time and you think to yourself, “Where the hell has she been?!” and then you remember…”Nope, It has just been Winter!”

Anyway things to know about April:

April has some huge holidays…

April Fools' Day (April 1)
Earth Day (April 22)

And of course one of the biggest days of the year…the ever important

Arbor Day  (April 5)

April is National Alcohol Awareness Month, National Food Month, National Soft Pretzel Month ...And National Stress Awareness Month. Which is funny because…Drinking, eating, and pretzels are the way I alleviate my stress…Oh Silly Me!

It is also “National Older People Month”…and I don’t understand exactly what that means…so Um…go hug someone who is Older then you?…it is also…and I am quoting the commercial that just played on the television (how convenient), “Pets are Wonderful Month” …and I agree…Pets are Wonderful! And if you agree…find my previous post about pets…WAIT I will give you the link: http://matteotorre.blogspot.com/2012/05/post-numero-6-pets-and-such.html
I am so clever it hurts...

And Finally…One that is Very near and dear…

April is National Autism Awareness Month

Research, Give Back, and Donate: http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/showHomePage.do

LIGHT IT UP BLUE!

WOAH ABRUPT FUN FACT:  If you were lucky enough to invest in a small computer company in April of 1976 – you are probably a billionaire today: Apple Inc. was founded April 1, 1976.

Wow…I am currently glaring at my parents for not investing in freaking Apple…I am also looking at my cell phone and realizing I still have an old Blackberry…so HA!, I guess I am still not making any investment in Apple either.

ANYWAY!, more posts coming soon…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 26: "The Weekend 3rd Degree" and Enjoy your weekend

Welcome to the weekend everyone!!!! So another week of crap done! Coming up, a much needed fall week end... So, what are everyone’s plans?! Come on…I can’t be the only person that believed it seemed like this was one of those weeks that never ended. What happens now?...How does this work for some... How do weekend plans come to fruition. In my world I rarely have plans and usually leave it up to the universe to provide something. Some might call me “boring”, but, In my defense I know few people who have the extensive arrest record that I have (TAKE THAT BORING!). Anyway, so what to do this weekend... I don't know!

So, this may sound funny...but being that I am a “fly by the seat of my pants” type of guy...or rather, a “fly by the seat of incredibly overprotective strict parents type of guy”, I sometimes have nothing to do! I am sometimes greatly effected by this but other times I can shirk it off… it however takes a new meaning when I am given the “Weekend 3rd Degree” …what is the “Weekend 3rd Degree”...well it has happened to all of us and It is simple to define…

Weekend 3rd Degree: Noun, When someone asks you what you are going to do during the weekend and you are stuck with no response and have to choose between being vague, admitting you have no life, or lying your ass off. I, in honesty, don't know how to deal with people who constantly ask the question, " So, what are you doing this weekend?"

The "Weekend 3rd Degree" happens also when after someone describes their own amazing and untouchable plans and you are left with nothing impressive to rebuttal with

Now this is how the “Weekend 3rd Degree” goes for me

Friend: "So, after I go bungee jumping and cure world hunger I am going to go adopt a neglected koala bear and nurse it back to health…Matteo what fun and exciting thing are YOU doing this weekend?"

Me: " Oh I am going to drink "

Friend: "Oh golly gee…that sounds like fun...what else are you doing?"

Me: "Drinking...."

Friend: "Golly Gee silly, you said that already...what else?"

Me: "Drink my feelings?"

We will call this, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

It is usually a back and forth type of thing until the other person realizes that I am not joking... or I just turn around silently and walk away...

So, How to deal and live through the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”:

1)      Stay calm…no one but you needs to know you have no life…

2)      Be vague… responses like, “Oh, I am going to have a lot of fun…” work wonders…but sometimes this might back fire as the person asking might want details…

3)      Use the switch tactic…send it back to them…As soon as they finish the question reply back, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!!!”…then casually wait for their response and act like you care by saying things like, “Oh, WOW, that sounds like TONS of fun!!!”

4)      Make something up…who gives a crap…unless you actually have plans or you might run into the person who is asking…make something up!

5)      Honesty might be the best Policy…Admitting you have nothing is the first step…

6)      Just say, “Why?!?” in a abrupt, stand-offish, and defensive manner. Then afterwards say nothing and back out of the room with out losing eye contact and without saying anything else…

7)      Turn it into a pick up line, “Why Girl, you want to get together…”

8)      Scoff and go, “HA, my plans are so much better…” then cause a distraction and get the hell out of there...

9)      Laugh and say, “Me too!”  (this could be awkward being that it might not pertain to you in the least…such as the time my friend said she was going to the Gynecologist and I responded back, ME TOO!)

10)  Kill off a relative….WHAT?!...don’t really do it…but just say you have to go to a funeral…nothing can top a funeral…

So those are just a few ways to combat the “Weekend 3^rd Degree”

Anyway, I am sure something will materialize for this amazing weekend...ugh…everyone enjoy the break…

AND REMEMBER OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!...so SPREAD THE WORD AND FIGHT THE FIGHT!!! TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!”

More posts coming soon everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!