POST NUMERO 43: Haunted Houses, and Surviving the Horror

Hello readers, guess what time it is?…IT IS HALLOWEEN prep time!…

Yes, that’s correct readers…Halloween is right around the corner and it is time for me to get into the spirit…and how better to “feel the fright” then to blog about if from the safety and darkness of my room…

So, last night I was having a conversation with my best friend and we got on the topic of “Haunted Houses”…

“Haunted Houses” are such a typical Halloween attraction to find lurking around town or at the local “Harvest Festival” that they have become synonymous with “Halloween Fun”. In fact when people look for fun things to do for Halloween, haunted houses are inevitably top of the list.

If you can believe...the house on the right is the haunted one...

Now, being that I am a joyless indecisive person, I’m torn on whether I enjoy haunted houses….. With their costumed players, spooky music and darkened rooms, they present a great way to get the daylights scared out of you…all while spending time with your friends or family…

However, when I truly break it down in my mind I just DON’T seem to see how Haunted Houses can be “fun”…

My reasoning is as such…What sadistic bastard decided that walking through a dark house/barn/mansion was a good way of spending quality time with friends?… When did walking through a booby-trapped house of horrors become something fun to do on a October Friday night?

Think about it…you are essentially voluntarily walking into what some would call, “Hell”.

However, honestly, I find a certain allure in them…I find them exhilarating with all the guaranteed fear-in-your-face special effects, animation, and Hollywood-style sets that even the cheapest of haunted houses will have. I do not take for granted the safety in organized uncertainty…it makes my tiny heart race.

However I understand that some do not like this feeling of an impending heart attack while stuck in a dark room. Some House of Horrors have zombies, demons, vampires, psycho killers, and the living dead creeping around every corner…this can cause some haunted houses to be a little too freaking scary, and a little too FREAKING suspenseful for some.

So if you're wondering how you can get through a haunted house without running out halfway through, then here are some of my tips for you readers that will help you when you are dragged along to your “Halloween Night of Fun.”

TIPS FOR SURVIVING A HAUNTED HOUSE

1. The Name of the Game is In the Name: HINT HINT readers…the name gives a hint of what you should expect…follow this trend readers…
   -Petting Zoo: A place where you can PET what one can assumer ZOO animals

-Fun House: A house filled with fun

-Water Park: A place that involves water and is recreational like a park

-HAUNTED HOUSE: A HOUSE THAT IS SEEMINGLY HAUNTED!!

Don’t walk in thinking that it is going to be filled with fluffy bunnies, unicorns, and rainbows…you are pretty much paying for the scare…so Don’t be stupid and walk into it asking “How scary is this?” or the ever more popular and generic, “Is it Scary?” If you are looking for something tame try “Bunny Land” (Unless you have Leporiphobia…then just don’t leave the house…)

2. Ok, so you are one of the hundreds of unfortunate souls, dragged to the haunted house by their friends, you are too scared to even think about the horrors that wait inside…you’re friends are all waiting for you at the entrance of the Haunted House…basically you are hating life. Well stop, because now would be the perfect time to Determine whether you really want to do this or not. If you're somebody who gets easily scared to the point of no return then you may just end up getting badly scared (or scarred for life) and not enjoying yourself at all. Seriously, most of us are grown ass adults of sound mind and judgment so put on your big boy pants, make a choice, and shut the hell up. Make a mental check list or debate the pros/cons with the other voices in your mind (wait, WHAT?! You don’t have other voices?!?!) till you definitely know you want to do this. It's okay not to and it doesn't mean that you're a "chicken" (it might make you a bit of a pansy…but not a chicken). You just didn't want to do it.
3. Scared and Scarred are almost the same word…ONE “R” MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!! Think about it…Do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you might be Scarred for life?! Some people legit have big fears of being scared. They don’t like it…it is ok to be one of those people…Don’t risk being scarred for life.
4. The World is Closer then It seems… Stay close to reality. If you start to get really scared, then calm the fuck down and remind yourself that this isn't real. Tell yourself that it's just pretend, and that it's provided for your “enjoyment”. Look around you…take a deep breath…and center yourself. Think past the moment…what are you doing when you getting out of the place…dinner…drinks…drinks…drinking…more drinks?
5. Read the Rules and Listen to the People… They are there for a reason and give you hints of what might happen…Be very leery of the Haunted Houses that say “Actors may touch you but you may not touch the actors”…because, ya know, you will be touched and not have the ability to “Knock a Bitch out!”
6. Go with someone close to you and you're comfortable around. That way, when/if you get scared, you can hold onto each other. Plus, things don't seem as scary when you've got a friendly face by your side. Go in a group. Things can be scarier when it's just two or three people--you feel more helpless. Try going with a group of at least four (so you can freak out in pairs and are covered in all directions)--things will be more fun and it won't be as scary. As a rule of thumb…take friends that you would not be afraid to fart in front of (what?!...this comment is shocking for me to make). Haunted House fear/ embarrassment has to be on par with…ya know…what I said before… Also, if you go with your best friends and everyone reacts poorly then there is no potential blackmail
7. Don’t Let your guard down but relax and have fun: The last moment is always the worst…When you’re exiting the house that is when they hide the worst scare…they let you seem free and then BAM crazy chainsaw wielding maniac… Enjoy yourself. Don't run around totally freaked out and screaming. Calm down, and enjoy everything--the suspense, the effects, etc. Remember that the only reason the haunted house exists is so that people can have a fun time. So let yourself get spooked--enjoy it!
8. When planning to attend a Haunted House think about your attire: The shoes are especially important, think comfort. Also a hoody or hat to hide your face from the action might help the truly overwhelmed…
9. Realize your surroundings are bigger then they appear: When walking through dark, confined spaces know that the haunted house is built so that you will not hit your head or fall down, you can walk with confidence (unless you are a naturally clumsy person). This is because of safety reasons for everyone. This space provides enough room for crowd reaction and gives ample room to avoid contact with the staff (I call it the swing’n’miss zone…in clearer terms, enough room where the actor scaring you runs no risk of being punched in the face!)

Anyway, Screw the zombies, murderers, and blood…the scariest thing for me at any Haunted House is the Strobe Lights…HA! #epilepsy

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 42: Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin

NOT. EVEN. GOING. TO. APOLOGIZE! (for not writing...)

Welcome Back to Me…

Excuse this post if it makes little sense…I am writing it whilst having an argument with my Father…nothing big…but He wants to store the outside plants in my room during the colder months and I…well…I don’t really want that to happen so…no…

Guess what Readers…it’s the most beautiful time of the year…FALL IS HERE!

Sigh... got to love it…

Fall is the best and frankly if you disagree then you need to reassess your autumnal regimen… think about it…

There are pagan rituals to partake in…

Bon Fires/ Falò to be had…

Football to watch…

Fruits and gourds to be harvested…

Flannel to be Worn…

And of course, Seasonal Beverages to Sample… HURRAY "FALL-CAHOL"!!

Fall has something for everyone!

There something universally incomparable about the peaceful transition from summer to winter… So, that’s it folks…time to unpack the winter coat and switch to hot beverages because autumn has arrived!

 

Come on now...Moose and Color...Fall!!!

The weather…With the exception of the freak chill happening from time to time (or the past two years when those natural disasters happened (gulp) ), the weather is gorgeous. The leaves turn colors and the scenery matches.  If you happen to be the woodsy outdoorsy type, then there are limitless options for outdoor festivals, hiking and most anything else. If you are a sports fan, football season hits full swing, hockey season begins and the World Series drama unfolds… and if you are a couch potato fat ass like myself…then your imagination and wait is over as all the new television shows premiere and you say so long to Summer reruns (Welcome back American Horror Story and Walking Dead!)

So, are you excited? I’m excited! Fall means: pumpkins, alcohol, cozy clothes, red wine, savory foods, alcohol, gorgeous fall leaves, alcohol, crisp air, bad habits in the shade, and HALLOWEEN, and everything else that is amazing! I went out to indulge in a mental break and just wanted to cry tears of joy because summer was finally over and the air was brisk.

(Is anyone else freaked out by how happy I seem in this post…don’t worry I’m sure I will get creepy and hostile again…hey look…here I go…)

However…let me give some reasons why I hate fall…

Firstly…

Every single fucking thing that you eat is flavored like pumpkin or pumpkin themed. Now, don’t get me wrong, some pumpkin-flavored things are amazing and totally worth the love:

Pumpkin Pie? Cool.

Pumpkin Muffins? Cool.

Pumpkin Potato Chips? No.

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts? Hellllll-to-the-no!

Pumpkin Spice Vodka…? I don’t know…I’m torn…It is vodka…so either way it’s good

But pumpkin spiced everything? You food producers have got to take a pumpkin-sized chill pill and keep some products safe from being pumpkinized…

Secondly 

I can not stand Pumpkin Spice Lattes...Seriously, Calm the Fuck Down you Pumpkin Spice Latte Freaks!! I just can’t handle it…it is not so much the drink…but more the bastardization of the pumpkin spiced latte that makes me want to take a sledgehammer to a pumpkin patch. Holding onto a Starbucks Generic “PSL” suddenly makes coffee seem like a new and exciting creation…Well Guess what kids…it’s coffee with cinnamon…Somewhere in the world thousands of individuals are uploading photos of steaming hot mugs of "PSL" to theirs Instagrams…and guess what folks.. that Pumpkin spiced latte looks like EVERY OTHER DAMN CUP OF COFFEE EVER MADE! (I’m going to write more about this in a moment…I sound damn crazy)

Thirdly 

I guess the biggest reason of why I can’t stand Fall (Jeeze, maybe I don’t like fall as much as I thought)… Fall comes with the idea that you wont see a breath of life in the world for another six months…after Fall comes the Winter…the Winter is cold and lifeless…wait…scratch that last statement…my biggest reason is that I hate Scarecrows and they seem to be everywhere during this damn seasons …stuffed bastards…spooky stuffed bastards!

Ok, So anyway…back to the “positive happy” Fall…

I really have been bogged down with work…nothing too exciting happening on the home front…
I am finally writing the second saga of the “Slut-o-ween” (I forgot what I called it last year)… so I’ll post that soon (I promise).

So, In Short Readers… Fall is Good, Bad, and Tastes like Pumpkin...

There are still 18 days left to realize and reconsider that Fall is a AMAZING season.  You have plenty of time to enjoy the foliage and gentle autumn breeze...  There's still time to meet friends at an outdoor patio somewhere to enjoy the last vestiges of sun until March.  Halloween is still more than two week away--more than enough time to get creative about a costume and figure out how to make it happen….

In short, there are still plenty of chances to except that Fall is the best and to enjoy it before winter arrives.

OH…anyway…I’m off for now…

Anyway, More Posts Coming Soon

Keep Emailing me your suggestions…

READ, SHARE, and ENJOY

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN! 

POST NUMERO 30.32: Excuse Me for My Length and Jeeze I am Craving...

DAMN!, JUST REALIZED HOW FREAKING LONG MY POSTS ARE GETTING (again...)…sorry…I will try and work on my length (something about this sounds dirty)…

Anyway…I lied…I said I would continue writing about “Halloween Sluttery” but I have not the mind to do it…today…DAMN!, my laziness…is overtaking me…

Oh, random,  I am trying to memorize the lyrics to a Song that has been stuck in my mind for MONTHS!...so if anyone has any tips…I would love to hear them…because listening to it on repeat and looking at the lyrics has helped me NOTHING! (If I am going to sing it...I might as well sing it correctly)

Anyway...

As I said…I will work on my length (tehee)…I will work on it realreal hard…


In true Matteo Fashion...I guess I will end this post with something random…hmmm…OH I KNOW, I AM REALLY CRAVING A KINDER SORPRESA!!!

I can't even contain myself from the awesomeness...these were my Crack growing up...

OH, one last thing (I promise)..some of you readers are finally using the Rate tool at the Bottom of every post...I would love to see some more clicks if possible...I get a lot of emails (keep them coming) but the "rate gadget" gives me a general knowledge of audience reaction in a more timely manner. for those that don't know what I am talking about...it looks like this...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 30: The "S-Word", so Feminists Beware, "Slutacular", and "for the Lady Readers"

Warning…this post will make me sound like a macho male chauvinistic jackass…or rather…more of a macho male chauvinistic jackass…

I also will use the word Slut A LOT in this post…this word can be taken in the worst of definitions…but I ask (before everyone picks up the Pitchforks and Torches) that you get real and realize that my writing is all inclusive and I don’t take anyone’s crap. We all know or have our own definition of what the word “slut” means…I refer to myself as a Slut all the time (actually I call my self, a “SLUT slut sluT Slut Slut SLUT SluuuT…” all with varying volumes and emphasis…it is like a daily affirmation…hooray…so I continue… So…I don’t know what you are going to do…but keep reading…I promise it is a GREAT/ALRIGHT/EHHH/AWESOME post.

AND to those readers who think I am a, “macho male chauvinistic jackass”…I AM HURT IF you think those words actually are a real depiction of me! I pride myself on being a gentleman…I REALLY REEEEEEALLY do…I have many bad habits that might not be part of the traditional definition of the word…but I am however “gentlemen-esque”.

So, with that being said, I will explain the views on WHY (although I do enjoy some/most of it) Halloween has become the most “slutacular” day of the year and why men should not fall for it…and women should not give into it…

Tonight I will start this post…and I think tomorrow I will add more in and do a Male version…

Anyway…

So, for the last few years female Halloween costumes have went from 

THIS:

The Witch on the End is the not wearing a dress to her ankles...how scandalous...

To THIS:

SERIOUSLY...I actually had to blur their faces for fear of shaming Wonder Woman more...

Now don’t get me wrong…I do enjoy the latter…I REALLY DO. But, things are becoming a little ridiculous for the current and upcoming generations. If this is the Halloween costume of today…I truly can’t wait for my kid’s to celebrate Halloween and the acceptable costume will be a single cotton ball and pasties…

Rain Cloud Costume..complete with Pasties and Cotton Ball Cloud Thong

Maybe Halloween costumes for women have become more brazen (great word) and slutty do to the economy... lack of money leading to lack of coverage. Maybe at one point or another (being that I do not watch the news or keep up with current events) there was a lack of fabric and a textile shortage…I don’t know…but the difference between the times is RATHER evident (In my words, “Helen Keller Could See that Change”).

I don’t think many would dispute the fact of how It has become nearly mandatory for women to dress skimpy on Halloween…Walk into any costume shop and I dare you to count how many (and this is not an eye of the beholder type of challenge) slutty costumes there are in comparison to none slutty costumes…Believe me…the sluts will outnumber the nonsluts…and half the packages will have the word “Sexy” on them…

Now maybe it is not completely the fault of the person…I understand looking good (I always do) but somewhere a line has to be drawn…And when looking through the pile of costumes you will notice that the “non slutty” costumes are kind of depressing (I will write more on this tomorrow)…

So here is some of my helpful advice and just thoughts…for the lady readers:

1)      Revealing does not at ALL TIMES equal sexy. The point of Halloween is to have fun and put on a costume to become something that we are not. However, Costumes should be something recognizable and clever. It should be fun to wear. It should be something with thought behind it. It should be something understandable (explanation is fine…but I should not need to bring in NASA if I am trying to figure out what or who the hell you are). But, in honesty…If I have to ponder for 10 minutes how assless pants, garters, fishnets, glitter, and pasties come together to form a Wicked Witch Costume then the fun is dead.

2)      Sexy as it maybe (kind of…) to see women running around in Corsets and Lingerie (and no matter what a certain movie says)…Animal ears are fucking lame as hell…THEY REALLY ARE!! Putting on some sort of sexy pajamas and then throwing on some animal ears is a terrible costume. Put some thought into something fun… Plus, if you are going to do it…start making some original animal choices…I would totally  talk to the girl dressed like a Manatee complete with large round head and tiny ears (do manatees have ears?) over the sexy kitty any day…

3)      Sluts - they're everywhere…they really are…so Ladies...how about distinguish yourself from the pack…Wear something cool that looks like you took pride in making it…don’t automatically assume the costume is sexy either…some just give that “hoe-llaween” feeling.

4)      OK here is a HUGE ONE…and one of my Large Pet PEEVES…I admit it…I still watch cartoons, and animated movies. I love them, I watch them alone, I watch them when I am hanging out with my cousin or baby sitting, and I watch them with my class. I just love the characters and the humor and the awesomeness of them…but wait…what just happened…WHO THE HELL DID THIS!!!

NEMO NOOOOOOO!!!!

      WHY!…just WHY!!…let us kill the innocence right there…I mean I watched this with my baby cousin the other day… it just got released...why would someone put sex…INTO A FISH…A LOVABLE LOST FISH! It happens with a lot of characters and childhood things…but at least to me…when I see this a part of my childhood dies…

5)      Know your Body…KNOW that People might NOT want to Know your Body…If you know that people DON’T want to know your body then don’t put your body out there for everyone to see. Then the flip side is that maybe you want people to suddenly know your body in a different way…just be ready to be known as the girl who should have known not to be that girl who did not know…Get it?
To paraphrase (without the use of the word “know”)…If your body is just not going to look good…or if your jigglies are just not going to look good…be honest with yourself…put something flattering on…like a caped costume

 6)  HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY!, It is a "Spooktacular" time…so put your best scare tactics to work and get a little messy…be a zombie...be frightening...be awesome...

OK, now, I bet my male readers are all scratching their heads and are ready to beat me to a pulp…and some of my female readers are cursing me off and going, “I BOUGHT THIS RUBBER BAND AND PASTIES FOR A REASON!”

But I will leave for the night with this last bit of information…Leave something for the imagination…it is one of those rules I feel should be printed on the package of all store bought costumes... it should be a golden rule of Halloween costumes. The girl in the bra and thong with fishnet stockings really has nothing else to show. As a guy who sucks at math I can still estimate that I have seen 93.2% of her body, even if she didn't mean to show that. It is like walking into a surprise party you accidentally were told about…

ANYWAY, I am tired for tonight…I am enjoying the way this post is going and I will add more into it tomorrow night…

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 29: Halloween Mashups and Some fun with Michael Myers-Buble

Hello Readers!

So, someone shot me a compliment on the photo I made in my last post…it may not be "Kayla worthy" (she brings shit to a whole new level of awesome...) but at least I am learning the basics of Photoshop…Anyway I thought my photo was funny, so I decided to make a few more examples…

Anyway…Here are some more of my Halloween themed Techno Mashups…I mentioned them quickly in my last post “How to Survive Watching Scary Movies”…So, I thought I would be clever and make a few more examples of artistic genius…

If you are confused about WHAT a "Halloween Themed Mashup" is…here is the part from the “Surviving” post…

“ Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step. “

EVERYBODY SCREAM!!!...Ehhhh Sexy Lady...

Ha....Lady Gaga mashed with Some Voorhees....Lady Voorhees

Eat me baby one more time...

"Moves Like...Jigsaw...."

What WHHHHHAAAAT!....Only needed to Photoshop one of these people...yet both are scary as fuck...

Michael Myers Bublé 

Anyway...I think I am awesome...

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28.51: Halloween Pick Up Line?

Bucket List Item Number 51: 

51: Use the Below Joke as a Halloween themed pick up line:

....get it....how corny and attractive....

if you don't get it...highlight everything up to the period "Bambi + Ghostly Noise = Bamboo" .

More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 28: Tips for WATCHING Scary Movies

Alright, So…It is October and I have been indulging in a guilty pleasure that I did not even know I had…watching horror movies…

Alright, That is my first Lie of this post…I LOVE horror movies…I find them stupid…I find them awesome, I find them entertaining, I find them ridiculous…I just really enjoy them…

I mean if it says anything about me…my two current favorite Television shows that I never miss are The Walking Dead, and American Horror Story…which both have a horror thing going for them…OR maybe I am just a freak…

Anyway…

I just really enjoy them…however, I have come to the realization that they are an acquired taste…Some people can not even manage to make it through the first five minutes of any film or anything traditionally “scary”…

Now I will also admit…sometimes the genre gets TOO INTENSE even for me…I will closes my eyes or plug my ears but mostly I try and make it through…My method revolves around turning a negative into a positive (HA!, because I am SUCH a positive person) I find a way to make what I am watching HILARIOUS (rather then bloody, hellish, and scary as fuck).

Here are some helpful tips for those who might not be able to handle the awesomeness of scary movies:

1)      Don’t Close your Eyes…Close your ears…in other words…plug your ears (don't cover your eyes)... believe it or not, music is about 60% of the scare. I don’t exactly use the complete plug because I still want to keep some dialogue or plot going, I rather quickly plug and unplug my ears rapidly in order to create scary movie techno remixes…it really does take away the scariness ..unless you have a fear of raves and dub-step.

everybody...SCREAM!

2)      Have lots of snacks…Eat your Fear…Also, limit your caffeine intake prior to watching a horror movie. You don’t want to be all jittery and hyped up while watching a scary movie it will heighten the jumpiness induced by the scary scenes… PLUS put a top on what you're drinking when you watch a horror movie. This will prevent you from spilling your drink and embarrassing yourself if you jump during a scary scene. Your lap, your friend’s lap, and everyone around you probably would not appreciate being covered in soda, water, or other drink (in my case, vodka).

3)      Make it a drinking game…so many possibilities…things are less scary when you are drunk…or at least when I am drunk…HA! In fact…make it “drink easy”, examples: drink every time someone screams, anytime there happens to be a random violin noise, and anytime someone uses a word with a vowel.

4)      If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black magic and practices, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion...well then, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING HORROR MOVIES ANYWAY!!…go to the fucking water park or something…or if you still have a hankering for watching a scary movie go over a friend’s house (if you have friends…you might just be the town pariah)!

5)      Pay attention to the moments you can relax…use them to your advantage…More then likely in scary movies crap does not go down during the day…it just doesn't when there is sun there is safety (or more safety)…Also if people are talking or giving key plot details nothing is going to be popping out…use these moments to make sure you are prepared for the next scare (I.E...make yourself more comfortable)…AND REMEMBER, SHIT HITS THE FAN AT THE END OF SCARY MOVIES so be prepared for the shock.

6)      We all have THAT friend who screams bloody murder, grabs, and flails when they get scared (you know who you are). Those people make other people scared thanks to their inability to not scream and act like a spastic mess. Stay far away from them. They're scarier than the movie. Put them in a corner with other screamers. It helps. It really does…

7)      Have the remote handy…for the fast forward option…I don’t like missing or stopping the film because that prolongs what could be a torturous bloody scare-a-thon…but fast forwarding shows what needs to be shown and also adds in a hilarious slapstick quality to it all.

8)      Find Hilarity in ALL…we all know the “Scary Movie Rules” and “Scary Movie Clichés”… Some of these movies are based completely on sheer stupidity and ridiculousness…so what may seem IMMENSELY scary can (when looked at in a different way) can be actually hilarious.

9)      Know that you are watching a damn scary movie…it is NOT supposed to be calm and relaxing…it is supposed to make you uneasy and have an adrenaline rush, so know that you are going to get scared… being prepared helps you NOT get caught off guard. I mean you wouldn't expect Jason to pop up behind someone holding a fluffy rabbit and the cutest damn puppy ever?

10)  Safety in numbers…watch with friends…it helps…and when you are all together feel free to chant, “it is only a movie, it is only a movie, it is only a movie…”

Anyway, I hope everyone is getting their freak on and HAPPY WEEKEND!  Use these rules the next time you pop on a scary movie…or maybe Bambi (this is a joke from a movie…I don’t remember which movie…but feel free to tell me which in an email).

Fall is progressing nicely and expect a few more posts coming up soon! I promise I am already working on a few posts for the upcoming week...HOPE everyone is finalizing their Halloween Plans

Keep Emailing!
More Post Coming Soon!!

Cheers, Salute, Chin Chin!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH IS HERE and NOW
DO SOMETHING TO HELP FIGHT THE FIGHT!

POST NUMERO 25: October Calendar, and a bunch of Useless Knowledge

GOOOOO PINK!!!
FIGHT THE FIGHT!!!
OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!
TALES FROM THE BOTTOM OF A SHOT GLASS IS GOING PINK!!!!

Alright so October is a huge month filled with really important days, things, and such (and I am being only HALF sarcastic when I say that.)

Firstly, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month which is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart. Yes, ladies and gentlemen.... I do have a heart. So readers…I challenge you to do what you can and spend some time on showing you can help fight the fight! Do it for you, for someone who may have been affected by breast cancer, for their families, and for the future... DO SOMETHING!! It is so simple to give back to the cause... So NO excuses on this one...

It may not just be donating money or volunteering but just go give something back on a real human level.  Give back to someone by dropping off some food at a friend’s house. Or this one is nice…go rent some DVDs or let someone who could use some relaxation borrow your Netflix accountant. Help someone by driving them to an appointment and then just sitting around trying to help them find the crappiest mind numbing magazine in the office. Be a shoulder to cry on, be a pillar of strength, and just make a funny gift basket filled with crap that someone would like. Many women whom who have been affected and there families fall into a terrible rut so sometimes distractions are great (I have went through this first hand). Give the person something to do during treatment sessions. Think  comfortable!!

Think  awesome!!

And Give a little Bit!!

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH...GET INVOLVED WITH THE CAUSE!

What else…

When you think about the month of October do Halloween parties, costumes, and trick-or-treating come to mind? OF COURSE THEY DO, because at the end of October is Halloween…so lets start planning our costumes now…I am debating over two choices…

Hmmmmm…..So yes, October 31^st is a big day for some… IT IS HALLOWEEN…I am going to make a “Sloppopotamus Post” Halloween version post…so look out for that coming up…

It is National Marigold Month (Marigold is also the Flower of October)

Columbus Day Was on October 12th. It is the Day where Italian Americans get a parade and the announcers butcher the language to crap…

PLUS OCTOBER IS ITALIAN HERITAGE MONTH! (whoop whoop)…

Then of course…some lesser known knowledge and observances of October..

October is Book Month (Go to your library…pick up a book…an actual book…find a shady spot…and read the hell out of it!)

October is Dental Hygiene Month (I freaking LOVE brushing my teeth)

October is Dessert Month (The irony of this…mixing Dental Hygiene and Dessert)

October is Fire Prevention Month (I am actually a Big fan of fire…so….not so big on the “prevention” of it...)

October is Pizza Month (WHAT WHAT!! Yum)

October is Popcorn Poppin' Month (love all popcorn…except Kettle Corn…Kettle Corn is terrible)

Anyway, Here is the calendar:

In case you are wondering...yes, that is the Devil's actual child...

ANYWAY,
more posts coming soon, Keep Reading!
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 29: Welcome September, and the New Resolution Month

Just Realized I gave No monthly welcome...what the HELL is wrong with me!

Alright, so it is September...almost October (whoops)...and it may be midway through the month already but September and I have always been indifferent and fine with each other...SO TIME TO GIVE IT AN INTRO!

In fact, September may very well be one of my favorite months…

The temperatures begins to cool…and OF COURSE happy news…the Crap Month of August is DONE!!!

This month for people of all ages is an Exciting one. It is the month that School restarts...which I have always enjoyed in small doses...more when I was a child then now...

With school restarting…I would love to find the ONE person who could honestly tell me that they did not get a SURGE of EXCITEMENT when they would receive their school schedules...and more specifically their school supplies list (I fricking loved those lists...)

However throughout my life the school supply list went from this…

I can't even tell you how much I want these right now!!

To this…

Behind the bottles are a box of crayons and a glue stick

For sports fans September starts Football, Football, Football, and MORE FOOTBALL.

Those reasons aside…I feel that September is the PERFECT time to make some true changes in your life. It is such an optimal time to make resolutions and a fall bucket list.

Readers, some of you might be scratching you head and saying, “Listen Matteo…you know that JANUARY is the resolution/change month ya stupid Bastard!!!!”

Yeah yeah yeah…I know that…but September, in my opinion, feels like a whole bigger adventure then New Years could ever be. So, I am WELL aware of how January is the month where everyone actually starts to brag about there resolutions and life changes but I am telling you readers…start them in September and they Stick!

NOW EVERYONE….ALL TOGETHER NOW…ASK…WHY?!

Alright,

1)      September is a natural redo…it is a restart month…School begins, Jobs recommence, days begin to drag on and nights begin to get cooler. It is just one of those times where you have to accept the fact of how summer is done and real life starts again. So why not start with a new mentality

2)      You begin to realize a schedule and then come to terms with the fact of how important it is to stick to it. For example…school begins and the schedule returns to a monotonous normalcy. However, along with fall comes the adventure and thrill of breaking the schedule (living on the edge)…even if it may mean dire diiiiiiiiiiire consequences.

3)      With cooler weather…comes great weather…. and with great weather comes plenty of time to kick back and relax outdoors…

4)      September can be the “resolution month” with out all the hoopla and pressure of being a “resolution month”. For example if your want to start working out more…you can fly underneath the radar and do it without anyone putting unnecessary pressure on you.

5)      Fall has a natural learning quality to it…as children we became accustomed to leaning new things after summer. We are all pre-conditioned and trained to succeed when we learn that way every year. Think of it as a habit that is hard to break. September is the perfect time to take advantage of this as after baking in the summer months…the brain can be replenished.

All Right time to talk about what to do during September and all the fun UNKNOWN days and why the month is fabulous…

So September is Self Improvement Month! It is also Classical Music month so turn down the bass and turn on the classics…wow September is also “Fall Hat Month” so reader break out your fall hats (what exactly is a fall hat…I know winter hats exist…but fall…hmmm?)… National Courtesy Month (hold a door open and show some polite and humane qualities to others you jerks)…Chicken Month…National Blueberry Popsicle Month (yum)…International Square Dancing Month (YEEEEHAAAAWW!)

Although we already miss it…

September 2nd was “National Beheading Day”

September 5th was “National Cheese Pizza Day”

September 9th was “Grandparent’s Day”

And days to Come…

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19th is National Butterscotch Pudding Day

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day

September 22nd is Elephant Appreciation Day

September 22nd is the beginning of Oktoberfest

Break it down now....

ANYWAY, more posts coming soon...
CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!