POST NUMERO 24: Sparklers and Shower Drinking!

Firstly, Happy belated birthday America!!  It was a fun family filled day followed by best friend Kayla coming over at night with SPARKLERS!!! I had a major Sparkler craving for weeks and it was all I wanted for that day…sparklers…I love…sparklers…the way they sparkle…the fire!...I wish I had more…but anyway HAPPY BELATED 4^th OF JULY!!!

So, I realized today when looking at my blog that the ads around my words of wisdom (excuse me…let me rephrase...my GENIUS, FUNNY, TERRIFIC, POETIC, WONDERFUL, AND INSPIRING words of wisdom) all have to do with “Alcohol Rehab”. Every single one is about substance abuse… very interesting…so for the next few posts I am going to be trying some new and random posts to see if I can change the ads…or randomly throw in something to see if I can really switch up the ads. Not that I am against the ads…seek assistance if you feel so…I just feel somewhat “kill-joyed” by these adds…especially when I look on other blogs and they have such awesome colorful stuff (although nothing beats the first ad that appeared on my blog for “COCK” the musical)

Secondly, Happy Anniversy Torre Parents!!! 26 Years and still Arguing like typical Italians…I would list a bunch of sappy and beautiful things here but I fell down the stairs earlier when I went to say “Happy Anniversy” to them…so the bruise on my ankle is dedication enough.

Thirdly, Happy Birthday Shelly!!!! Even though it was numerous day ago you are an awesome person and I would list a bunch of stuff about you but I am not going to.

Fourthly, Happy Graduation Jackie!! Just had to say it again!

Ok anyway, 2 great things…2 very amazing great awesome things…Cleanliness…and Drunkeness. I love to be clean. I love to clean. I love to smell nice. I love to drink my drink and drank my drank. Put the two together and you have…DRINKING IN THE SHOWER!

Now readers, I know some of your might have gasped and said…”ALCOHOLISM!” but I am telling you now…try it…it is amazing!  The first time I tried it was in my junior year in college…changed my life forever. The coolness of the drink…the cleaning factor of the shower…the warm cascade of water. Two of my favorite things occuring in unision…cleanliness and drunkenness

OK, so how to succeed in “Shower Drinking” relies on some very basic steps and rules

Number 1) Try to avoid glass and stick with cans…duh… It took a somewhat long time for me to move onto mixed drinks by bringing in the cocktail shaker into the shower and successfully make a drink…I am kidding…but it did take a long time to move onto mixed drinks.  It is hard to keep water and soap out of the drink and still act calm and collected when exfoliating and re-shampooing. It was nice…take a sip…put it down…no fuss. Also avoid glass for the sheer purpose of how it might be hard to explain to people how you stepped on glass when kicking back a few in the shower. My main choice for shower drinking is an old fashioned classic Budweiser in a can (also known to me as “Hillbilly” beer…but I will write about that in another post). Yes, with the canned Budweiser It was great because I knew if I dropped it at least I would not end up in the emergency room.

Number 2) Always remember which hand has the drink..and which one has the soap. You never want to mix up the two…In the delight that is shower drinking you may become completely and totally calm and end up taking a big chug of conditioner (but don’t worry bottles of soap normally come with Poison Control’s number on the back of the label)

Number 3) Do not be a shower Sloppopotamus!!! This is just a calming thing…it is great when done in a relaxed manner, a shower is supposed to be relaxing so keep it calm…not a frat party!

Number 4) Soap does not taste good so drink with care

Number 5) Soap is slippery…CAUTION as sometimes drinking may cause a slippery sensation…the two together might end up in a VERY slippery situation

And finally

Number 6) Enjoy the moment.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB...DRINKING IN THE TUB!

Anyway. Someone pointed out to me that my last two posts have been about Nudity and Nakedness and other stuff….well what can I say…except…HAPPY NUDE RECREATION WEEK EVERYONE!!!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon!

The artwork is made by the amazing Kayla again...look for more coming soon...she is brilliant and has an amazing eye and ability!

POST NUMERO 23.5: Hello July and Hello Nude Recreation Week

I forgot to say!

HELLLOOOOO JULY!!!!!!!

It is finally July…which now that I am part of the education system…I am sad about being that everyday and month brings me closer to September again. Anyway, July is a terrific month…why?...well let me tell you…

Ok so not only is July famous for numerous patriotic reasons but it is also:

-National Anti-Boredom Month!

-National Blueberry Month!

-National Hot Dog Month!

-National Ice Cream Month!

I mean come on…I should just stop my list right there…a month dedicated to some of life’s best food…and a month dedicated to combating one of the worst things possible, BOREDOM…but I am going to keep going with this list of “July”-awesomeness because  it gets soooo muuuuch better…

The entire second week of July is…and be prepared for what I am about to say…is Nude Recreation Week!! YES,  that is correct…a week dedicated to NUDE RECREATION!!! Yes…nude volleyball, nude bull fighting, nude running, nude trampoline, nude swimming, nude fencing, nude wood working and tree house building, nude rhythmic gymnastics, nude recreational drinking…for a week you can rock out with your junk out and celebrate because it is 7 days of celebrating nude recreation…I don’t think I can even figure out how to phrase and put into words the awesomeness of this week…

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!...THIS IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE!!

Also it is Cell Phone Courtesy Month…which means…the next time you see someone like this....

"I don't understand why EVERYONE is looking at me?!?!...."

Scream out, "QUIT DISRESPECTING JULY!!!” and then punch them in the throat…

Anyway…more posts coming soon
Welcome July everyone!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 23: I am back, and the weekend getaways

OK, so I know it has been a long ass time since I have penned ANYTHING! The angry emails I have received saying, “WRITE SOMETHING DAMN IT!” have not been ignored or forgotten…but let me break it down…

Ok, excuse time, here are some of the reasons I have not be writing:

1)      I am a lazy ass

2)      I have been waaaay busy taking care of some personal business (nothing serious….just business)

3)      My computer has become “the family computer”.  My brother’s computer took a tumble and got the blue screen of death….so my computer has become EVERYONE’s computer…which is terrible because I had to um…family proof and double save some personal files…”files”

4)      My family is trying this new…once a week ”family outing/ bonding” thing…love my family…but I want to barrel role out of the car on these days

5)      I have been taking some personal fun time here and there

6)      I am a LAZY ass

7)      IT IS SUMMER!

8)      HEAT WAVE!!!!

9)      SOCCER!!!!

10)  Inspiration has not been hitting lately…and I am a Lazy Ass

11)   And finally….I am very much a Lazy Ass!

But yeah, don’t worry readers…I am still here and alive and will be back to writing more soon….but right now…let me catch you up with my life…

Firstly:

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

YES, that is right…the perks of being a teacher have hit and I am on break for the summer (break being a loose term being that I am still working when I can).  School ended around the 19^th and I have just been enjoying the lifestyle (which is another reason why I am not writing as much).  It is terrific. However, I don’t know yet what I am doing this summer…Am I fleeing back to the home country (Italy)?  Am I heading down to God’s waiting room (Florida)?   Am I going to stay in my room like a shut in/ hermit and cry myself to sleep (OF COURSE)?

In honesty…and with great irony…I finally am enjoying the educators lifestyle and son-of-a-bitch this is the first summer I have no plans!

Anyway…the weather has been hot and there is currently a heat wave hitting the country! Which makes me just lay around underneath the fan and hit up local places to use the free Air Conditioning (oh yeah...and drink). My family (mostly my father) would rather have heat stroke and live in uncomfortable volcano like conditions then turn on the air conditioning. However I enjoy the heat…my biggest issue is just the constant clothing changes as I am…and it hurts me to admit this…a sweaty mess at times.

Anyway…Continuing on…

So happy times are ahead and behind me…I have been meaning to write about my vacation weekend away for a while now so here it goes…About two weeks ago I was invited down the shore by some amazing friends…the best I know…the cream of the crop…just really awesome people. So how do I preface this story…hmmmm…I am never one to live on the edge…EVER…I am a very boring person with a large mouth, anger issues, and evil tendencies. I think I wrote about my idea of living on the edge in an earlier post (drinking beer and diving into an un-shocked pool)…but these friends bring out the adventure and fun in me. So, I packed my weekend bag and off I went…

            So here are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of that weekend…

-          Cheap Vodka Burns so Well:  Ok So I am not the CLASSIEST and PICKIEST of drinkers. I go in with an idea…and the idea usually consists of seven dollar vodka…it is perfect…especially if the seven dollar vodka tastes like oranges…and I loooooove oranges…So if Burnetts Vodka and Gin is reading this…I am a huge fan…feel free to contact me perhaps for a spokesperson gig…or advertising…or ya know, taste testing. Seriously though, I can not really have picky expensive tastes being that my drinking style is comprised of, “Add enough vodka to sooth your wounds.”
-“Naked, and Arrested”:  Alright so…I repeat these friends are amazing…and when we drink we tend to walk the line of legal and illegal…but we basically always stick on the legal side and have tons of fun. It was around midnight…12:20....and as a group we decided to cross something off all our bucket lists and get a little naked…and skinny dip!  Now, it may sound surprising to some of my readers but, this was not my first time delving into the “nude swim concept”. The difference from other times however is how this time was the first time I have ever ran through the streets in a towel singing loudly, “NAKED AND ARRESTED!!! NAKED AND ARRRREEEESTED!!!”.  Now I have a general theory that the more nudity there is the happier people are so it was very much a worth while experience. Plus readers, don’t think we stayed in the water long and just lounged around with our junk out…it literally went as such…TOWELS OFF!! SPRINT!!! SPLASH!! FREEZE!!! RUN BACK!!! TOWELS!!!! Think of it as a war scene from any cheesy war flick. With everyone running full speed towards the destination…instead of people being shot and falling to the ground everyone was face planting, tripping, and falling do to slight intoxication…

-          “Sing to Me”: Sometimes the best thing to say is just “Sing to Me!” and see who actually goes along with it

-           “Dig a Hole”: On the beach sometimes you just get an urge to dig a large hole. To just plunge your hands into the searing hot sand and go crazy and just dig a huge hole. Then when you can not go any further with your hand you begin using a Frisbee which works surprisingly well. Then after digging the hole you may get the extreme urge to lay down in side the hole…and then you may have the extreme urge to have someone bury you up to your neck inside the hole and take possible Facebook profile pictures. This will however cause extreme sunburn and sand in places sand should never be.

-          Sexual Innuendos using the word “Hole”: Even reading the above some of you can probably realize that while digging…everything sounded a little naughty…

-          Margaritas and Beer combined!!!... so basically Anheuser-Busch came out with Bud Light Lime-a-Rita…which are delicious and have a very high alcohol content in a convenient tiny packaging…however they are sneaky little bastards as the effects of two may have caused a wonderful nap on the beach to turn into a very bad sunburn.

-          Bunk Beds: Ok so bunk beds and I have never gotten along...especially if I am on the top bunk and sloshed. So during the night I had such terrible thirst that I tried to signal down to my friend on the bottom bunk by loudly mouthing words, making a hand motion for water, and flailing/waving…to which she looked and then fell back asleep…needless to say I never received any water and in the morning I was accused of being a creep.

-          Losing and Laughing: So I went minigolfing for the first time ever!!! I was awful…womp womp womp…but I don’t think I could have laughed any more. Especially when a group of old men behind us were cracking “foreskin jokes”.

-          Realizing how some people did grow up underneath a rock: I think it finally clicked for my friends…I am a somewhat deprived Italian kid!

Well anyway…I would just like to reiterate the “skinny dipping” thing only because while writing this I can’t believe I actually went through with it…but ehhhhhh you only live once. Anyway, what words of wisdom can I give today…

            OH I know!…if you are hot…take off your clothes….

Thanks so much readers for sticking with the huge lapse of time!....more stories of summer coming soon!!! More life lessons!!! More of me NOT being a lazy ass!! And certaintly…some more stories of the dreaded but amazing “Sloppopotamus”!!!

Anyway,

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 22.1: Quick Message

Oh I forgot, here is just a quick personalized shout out comprised of false names, and lack of detail!

DEAR MORGAN & LAURA,
REMEMBER ALWAYS, THAT BITCHES BE BITCHES!...AND THAT BITCHES AIN'T SHIT!
SINCERELY,
MATTEO

I will explain "Bitches ain't shit" in another post!
cheers, salute, chin chin!!!

POST NUMERO 22: HE-double hockey sticks, and thundering f__ks

So I was trying to fit this in as a third “Sunday-Funday” post… but this has turned into a Monday night post…but eh…it happens…but guess what…it is now become a Tuesday night post…

So today I was listening to the radio and one of my new favorite songs came on, Payphone by Maroon 5…now I am a huge fan of the band and they are high on my list of people I would love to meet in real life and hang out with. So as I am listening to the song and I am hearing these awkward gaps in the lyrics…everything was rhyming…everything seemed to be going smoothly…but something was missing…as I sat and listened through the song concentrating hard on the lyrics and swerving all over the road…I realized the song was being censored…so when I got home…I decided to delve into the YouTube world and listen to the “uncensored version”…and wowza…I LOVE ME SOME PROFANITY!

I love when people use “bad language” and curse in normal conversation and I love when I hear it in music. I for one try to keep my vocabulary as cuss free, proper, and clean as possible (everyone reading this who ACTUALLY knows me, probably just rolled their eyes) but I can’t help but drop a few f-bombs from time to time.

I did not start using “bad language” until around 7^th grade and even then I felt like cursing was the equivalent of setting something on fire or grand theft auto. I would go about my day saying words like “narf”, “dang”, and the ever stupid “fudge”.

My first time cursing in public was when I was reading a story out loud in 6^th grade and in the reading was the word HELL (dun dun dunnnnn). I was so scared by the word and the possible repercussions of saying it that I (to save the virgin ears of the other students and my teacher) pronounced the word hell as “H-E- double hockey sticks” and when my teacher said it was ok to say “it” I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and the class gasp. It was traumatizing and I will remember it to this day…the giggling still haunts me every time I close my eyes…

...just saying it makes me feel dirty....

Anyway, I know that some people grew up with cursing…but I seriously grew up with the idea that bad words were a direct way to get hit with a wooden spoon (crazy Italians)…in fact now that I look back on my childhood…my parents actually cursed a lot…just not in English…

In honesty…I am sure some folks can remember when they actually heard their first "f__k" or "s_it." I even remember when my brother, Silvio, started using curse words (it was during a baseball game…he was pitching…and cursing A LOT…The Torre family took T-ball very seriously)

Anyway, sometimes I feel like there is a need for a good “curse”…for example…

If something drops on your foot…curse

If someone cuts your off while driving…curse

Your friend becomes a Sloppopotamus…curse

You become a Sloppopotamus…curse

You wake up from a coma…curse

Papercut…curse

Curse…curse…curse…curse

I however get extreme satisfaction when certain people curse and the methods of there verbal dirtiness

For example…I have an uncle who starts every conversation with “OH SHIT!” …it could be the most innocent of conversations…but every line starts with “OH SHIT!”:

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Did you see what your aunt made for dinner?

Matteo/Me: Yes Uncle Torre

Uncle Torre: OH SHIT, Doesn’t it look good?…OH SHIT. You know why she made it?…because OH SHIT!, she loves you!!.

My father’s favorite curse: “Sonna-bitch-an-bastard” 

say it really fast and combine everyword…he uses it for everything…

I feel also to lighten up and add some new punch into curse words (as well as some good practice for the SATs) is to add some sort of colorful adjective before hand…my adjective of choice is: “thundering”

Examples
She can be a real "thundering b-tch" when she is angry!

I just really enjoy the idea of cursing…I forgot what movie or show I was watching once where it talked about how, “truly, there are so few words in the English language…so we might as well you them all”.

So what makes swear words so “taboo” and what makes people feel uncomfortable when using them? I have no idea…

I will post more soon!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 21: How to Get in Line

SUNDAY FUNDAY!

Hello Readers!

So it is Sunday, and if you have not realized from my past posts, that means Church and Cereal!!!

Ok so, today my day started off in a bright way with going to church and then (without realizing) the church was holding a reception afterwards!...I love church…but church followed by food I love even better! Anyway, there was a reception after the mass for an induction of a new deacon and this reception consisted of a light lunch of numerous different sandwiches and refreshments. The place was PACKED to capacity and it was amazing to see how people were lined up well into the parking lot to fill their plates with various pasta salads, sandwiches, and mini quiches. I repeat, the place was packed!

However, no worries, I am a professional when it comes to being able to weave in an out of places in order to get something (In this case food). No way in hell was I skipping out on shrimp salad sandwiches and turkey wraps!! So I had to play dirty, I am so freaking good, that by the time people had even realized…I was walking away confidently with a plate full of food avoiding and ignoring the line behind me. How? Well let me tell you… here is some of my golden hints (insert some angelic music/noise)

Mind you these tips go for a lot of events where there are lines, serve yourself buffet events, free stuff giveaways, or if you need to just cut in line for something.

I am going to speak in terms of a event such as the one above where I was waiting in line (or at least supposed to be) for food. These are important to guarantee you get to the good food before it all runs out (in other words…these tips can get you the steak as opposed to the vegetable platter)

yum...vegetable platter...same thing as steak....kind of...

1)      Just freaking cut in line: This one is self explanatory, just do it! Most people won't question it or are too focused on what they want from the table to even notice

2)      Pretend you know or are related to someone in line…all it takes is a simple conversation or a “OMG I have not seen you in ages” comment to make it all work…Here are a few examples of comments to use to ease into a line

-“Hello!, wow you look amazing…how have you been?”

-“Hi, how are your parents doing?”

-“WOW,  I have not seen you since “that time”…remember…wow it was so much fun”

      Basically, If you confuse the hell out of them it works in your favor and you gain enough time to grab as much food as you can and everyone ends up blaming your “new friend” for letting you break into the line

3)      Don’t waste freaking time…don’t do it…don’t talk to anyone…ignore everyone…walk in and get right in line…cut done on time to get farther in line. This should guarantee you some food

4)      Don’t waste time getting drinks or forks…grab a plate and go right for the food…people don’t mind stepping aside for you to grab a fork and knife…but they sure as hell do mind if you step in line for food. Same with drinks…wait till after you guarantee yourself some food.

5)      Start a new line…at the OTHER end of the table…or on the other side of the table…people can’t bitch at you because of your extreme efficiency…plus…more then likely people will join you in the new line and chaos should ensue…use the chaos to stuff your face

6)      ACT LIKE YOU RUN THE PLACE (all while stealing food)…be the person in charge…pass out some plates to some people around you…check to make sure the cheese platter is still filled…just make it look like “you set this shit up…and you will take this crap down”…people won’t mind if you grab a few sandwiches if they think you are the person who set it all up.

7)      Take everything…you might not be able to go back and get more…so serve yourself with a heavy hand…think you can only have one sandwich…take 6…try everything…just do it and pretend you are getting stuff for others at your table…BUT SO HELP ANYONE IF THEY TRY AND TAKE SOME OF YOUR FOOD!!!

Use these tips at your next event and have some fun with it. I will post again later…thank you to those readers who welcomed me back! I promise (somewhat) that I will try and go back to posting virtually every night. Anyway…maybe, readers, if you are lucky

RANDOM THOUGHT!....I really reeeeallly want some Sparklers and fireworks…anyone have any ideas…

Anyway…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!

POST NUMERO 21: Running to Work and No Shirt, Shoes, or Service

So I have not been in the writing mood lately (as you can see by my absence)…I think it is because my summer fever has hit an all time high…the last post was pathetic and I actually am somewhat ashamed at how many Russians I have lost as followers…so “прости меня” Russia!!

Anyway, So today readers I tried a whole “not driving into work because I wanted to save gas and also be healthy thing” AKA “my car was on empty and I have no friends who could have driven me the 4 minutes to work”…So like any “sane professional” I decided to run to school and arrive a sweaty mess.

Ok so running to work had its positives and negatives

Positives:

-I felt like a freaking exercise maniac

-I kept telling myself, “Look at me being all healthy… and Running…stuff”

-I got to school with an abnormal amount of energy

-I woke up this morning and it was sunny so I got to enjoy the weather a little bit more

-I bought myself another day of delaying paying for gas

-I got to rock out to blasting music while running

-If anyone saw me running…it might have been a turn on??? (HAHAHA DOUBT IT!!! I RUN LIKE A MORON)

Negatives:

-My scanty-European-flimsy shorts could be considered “inappropriate for work”

-I had to change clothes when I got to school

-I arrived an angry mess

-I was a sweaty beast upon arrival

-I run on a main road

-I hate running

-I run really funny and I flail

-With no car…I had nothing to cry in, and eat in during my lunch break

-I really hate running

But I enjoyed it…I felt stupid…but I really enjoyed it…

Anyway…NEW THOUGHT

So, it was funny (at least to me)…Today I ran into the grocery store quickly in order to buy some of my necessary items (booze, cigarettes, and of course…toothpaste) and while checking out I saw the very cliché “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE” sign. Seriously, I understand that this sign DOES have significance in certain places…but seriously…

ONE, the place I walked into should NOT be that picky…as far as convenience stores go…this one is a dive...

TWO, I don’t really know a lot of people who drive around places and strip off their clothes or are already half naked upon arrival (unless at the beach)

THREE, Ok so I need a shirt, and I need some shoes….but LOOP hole…I don’t need pants

FOUR, I live in an area where it is not very likely to have people walk around half naked (slutty is a different story)…I live in very much the definition of suburbia

FIVE, I repeat…why leave the LOOP hole that is pants...Pants Off, Dance Off

Then being the wise ass I am…I had to ask…”How often do you ACTUALLY have to enforce that rule”…and the employee’s response was…”I never even noticed that sign was there” (the sign was large)

But really, I don’t exactly understand these signs…or maybe I am just not used to them…I feel it is one of those “down the shore”/ ”at the beach type of things”. Having grown up in Italy the signs usually say “Clothing Optional” as opposed to the “No…No…No Service”.

When I was there last I think I only wore a shirt to go out at night and the same for shoes. People were barefoot and shirtless and surrrrre it might not have been proper but people were sure as hell not denied service. It was very liberating…

Same thinking should be utilized down the shore when, believe it or not, people actually walk around with just swim trunks on these signs can be appropriate…but still, I don’t know why I find this concept so hard to wrap my head around. Maybe I just enjoy being half naked…I really enjoy walking barefoot…but those signs just make me think and become confused…It is kind of like when I see “no smoking signs” in illogical places. For example, when I see them in elementary school classrooms...

DAMN IT, I knew I should not have removed that sign....

However, I do take notice of one thing…and in my opinion…(here comes my PSA that contradicts this whole post) shoes are very necessary when walking around in public stores. I see it as a HUGE liability…you would not want to step on anything sharp, harmful, or hazardous. However…the shirt thing…I guess it is a distraction, or a way to negate unfortunate people from being undressed in public?

However a person has dominion over his/her own body…

THAT’S WHY I SAY CONFIDENTLY:  NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO PROBLEM!

In fact…lets make a new sign with some bigger issues…when is someone going to create the

NO FOOD, NO ALCOHOL, NO FUN sign

Or my version

NO VODKA,  NO VODKA, NO HAPPYNESS sign

More posts coming soon, I Promise…

FOR NOW

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 20: Mosquitos and Warm Nights

So I have been loving this weather lately…I really have… but when people come up to me and say things like:

“Ugh, Warm summer nights are made for being out in the open air and great outdoors…”

Or

“Spring and Summer nights…when it is hot…are made to be spent under the stars”

Aren’t statements like those so wonderfully beautiful, so wonderfully true, and so very WONDERFULLY POETIC!!!! Well how about who ever is saying these statements also so wonderfully SHUTS the HELL UP!!

When people say things like that I want to look them in the eye with disgust and reply back…

“Nice Try, Mosquito disguised as a human!”

...."We Should go outside...and relax a while..."

I mean really…it is wonderful weather…but if you are anything like me…you get eaten alive when you so much as open a window or better yet…look at a window…

So, anyway…sorry I have not posted in a while…been very busy/lazy...I owe a bunch more posts...ones better then this...

I am back in the game kids!!

POST NUMERO 19.52: "The Host", and my Mothers Questioning

Wow, it is only Saturday midday and I have already been out and about! So. I woke up early so I could catch my goddaughters/cousins dance recital…and holy smoley…it was one of the cutest things ever. I was dumbfounded by the cuteness of it all! It was so glittery and adorable…and then the woman sitting next to me ruined it…but she was just a terrible person (I may or may not have gotten into a shouting match with a stranger…)

Ok, so last night I was supposed to go out with friends…Before I was able to leave, the Torre house was invaded with my parent’s friends. Firstly, I enjoy these people so I did not mind that they arrived unannounced and came in with a rush of “fiery italian-ness” and a Panetone (Panetone makes everything better).

As I said…I have no issues with these people what-so-ever…they are some extremely interesting characters and I love when our families get together…my one issue from last night has nothing to do with them…my problem was that my mother left me in charge of being The Host”.

Ok, so the duties of “The Host” are to act charming and stuff…be witty…and whatever. The difficulty is that my mother usually goes off on tangents which provide no help, cause chaos, and make me a horribly nervous person.

Her main technique of doing this is when she says things such as:

“Can you get out the tall cups…but not the heavy ones with the bottoms!”

Or

“Go get that thing from the room” (what room?! what thing?!)

Or my personal favorite

“Matteo, tell them the story about that one time…” (this example is my favorite because usually when my mother says this example, it was an event I was not part of or even knew about)

Anyone have that experience…I would love to hear some of those questions…

Anyway it was there were some crazy conversations and I really like when people invade my house! Anyway tonight I have an outing with some people! Happy Saturday everyone…hope everything is going amazing out in the Cyberland

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 19.5: HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!

Alright so I realized I forgot to mention, HAPPY JUNE EVERYONE!!!!

What a Jerk I am...June is a huge month and I did not even mention it...I mean come on…June is not only the 6^th month of our calendar year…it is also:

Adopt A Shelter Cat Month
Dairy Month
Flag Month
Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month
General Safety Month
Audio book Month

Candy Month

Dairy Month

Firework Safety Month

Iced Tea Month

People Skills Month

Turkey Lovers Month

WOAH! JUNE HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER!!! However these are some observances that I think should be created and included to honor June:

“Get the Fuck out of Work” Month

Bug Spray Month

“Get in your car after it has been parked outside for a while and it feels like hell” Month

Liquor and Drinks on the Rocks month

“Try to hide the fact of how it is becoming hot as balls” Month

How to maximize the importance of June...click on the picture for a bigger view...

Jeeze...my first post of June (now that I reread it) is kind of "sucky"...I mean come on...it was a post about "jumping into a pool"...so I am going to have to post a bunch of stuff today to make it better...Ugh sometimes my good thoughts about life (aka my "extreme genius") ...just gets messed up in all the typing and wording...

Plus readers it sounded like I condoned something awful in that last post (which now that I reread was just terrible really)...so let me make it clear to you all...

DO NOT JUMP INTO A POOL THAT IS NOT CLEAN!

it is gross...

I will however issue you all a challenge:

Do something relatively easy that challenges your comfort zone!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS JUNE!

POST NUMERO 19: I Jumped, and Drank

Sometimes you just live on the edge and do things you never would…Readers, a few nights ago I had one of those “live on the edge” type of moments…I was so far on the edge that my inner dialogue was going on full rant and questioning every second of what was happening…it was like I was possessed!.

After reading that ^^^….you should all be on the edge of your seats!!...but believe me readers it was nothing “big”! (actually screw that...for me it was monumental)

So on Memorial Day after completing the family BBQ I was invited over a friend’s house for a relaxing evening. These friends are amazing people, and some of the best I know. It is amazing how kind and generous they are and how amazing this group of friends is…Anyway…back to the story...

It was an amazingly fun Memorial Day. I started off the day with sleeping in and a nice bit of relaxing while surfing the Internet for blog ideas. I had a pear for breakfast…while eating that pear I marveled at how amazingly wonderful it was for it to be a Monday and not be at work. I dusted my room, cleaned out my car, and put away general crap…I then ate another piece of fruit (another pear). I prepared many things for the family BBQ including various chips and dips and also normal BBQ food (hamburgers, marinated chicken, and hotdogs)…Then family came over and we did a very normal family BBQ…nothing exciting…very cookie cutter…very Italian…very there…annnnd then I snapped slightly from the wholesome family goodness.

Don't get me wrong...as I have said in past posts I really do love my family...but I had hit my boiling point. I needed to get out of the house! So after dinner was over I was in need of something exciting…that is when the magic happened and I received a call from friends (those mentioned above) inviting me over for ANOTHER BBQ!...Miracles do occur!!!

So I went! 

WOWZA DID I HAVE FUN!

I LIVED ON THE EDGE!

and

I TURNED INTO A BEER DRINKER! (I put away the vodka for the evening and jumped right into the Becks)...It was just "good livin".

So…big news…and the somewhat point of this post...I had a “living on the edge” moment…I FREAKING JUMPED INTO THE POOL!!!! I WAS IN THE POOL!!! I, MATTEO TORRE, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR, THAT I LITERALLY JUMPED INTO THE POOL AS A CHALLENGE... WHEN NO ONE WAS IN THE POOL!!!

…ok readers you probably just rolled your eyes…but this is huge for me…I am never ever that type of person…I always make a horrible excuse and chicken out…I am just kind of not “that person” who accepts challenges like that… I was soooo proud of myself!...I stripped off my shirt...and jumped...it was all very unexpected of me...I have to admit...I was a very cool person!

HOWEVER DOWN SIDE!!!!!!!

in fact, let me rephrase

DOOOOOOOWNSIDE FROM HELL!!! Shortly after I jumped in I came to the realization that I had jumped into a very unshocked, uncleaned, and dirty pool. The pool had only recently been uncovered (about 4 minutes before I took the plunge)...so... IMPETIGO and DISEASE here I come!

I did do it however! so instead of rolling your eyes readers...Applaud me! Scream out HOORAY MATTEO!!!...AUGURI MATTEO!!!...BRAVO!!!...or just keep on reading my next few posts...which ever one works!

ANYWAY!, I know readers…I promise things and do not deliver…I have been mega busy…I have stories on the way and a bunch of half finished blog posts that I will try and put up over the weekend…School is almost out for summer!...HOORAY!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

more posts coming soon!

POST NUMERO 18: Memorial Day, Spot the Sloppopotamus, and A Game

Happy Three day weekend everyone!!!

Ok so I have not posted in a few days but time to get going again (damn me and my laziness)!! Firstly, I want to thank all the private messengers…some of you subscribers and messengers are really wonderful and I am loving the feedback…others, unfortunately, I despise you with a passion! I especially love reading all the wonderful posts in different languages...keep. them. coming!.

In this post I am basically going to be rambling so buckle up…

Let me set up a scenario readers…

You  enter a party…you are relaxing and having a good time…and suddenly the “Safari” breaks out. The party becomes mostly hormone and alcohol fueled. Everyone is having fun and bonding with close acquaintances as personalities begin to flair and “drink is drank”…The room is filled with levity, you are feeling good, you are having fun…when suddenly…the hunt is on…

This is when my favorite party game begins…a game known as “Spot the Sloppopotamus!”

Readers, I know what your reaction just was, “A WHAT?! A HIPPOPOTAMUS?! A WHAAAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!” and I am sure some of you are even going, “I WONDER IF THAT IS LIKE PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!?!”…

Well readers, “Spot the Sloppopotamus!” is so much better…so…so much better…However in order to understand the game you must first know what a Sloppopotamus is.

Definition:

Sloppopotamus: Noun: a. The “hot mess” of the party  b. The sloppiest drinker and partier in the room  c. The “ship wreck” of partiers  d. the vom-vom-cray-cray-rey-rey

“Wow, after one beer at the holiday party Carol became the Sloppopotamus as she cried, yelled at, and kicked the copy machine”

The word, which was made popular by a certain TV show that sickens me, is basically a wonderful way of describing the individual who becomes “A sloppy drinker.”

Now, don’t deny it, we ALL know that one person or friend who becomes the dreaded “Sloppopotamus”

To help you find out who the Sloppopotamus is here are some helpful reminders, distinguishing facts, and hints:

• The Sloppopotamus is the person who can be compared to or nicknamed the “Titanic” when drinking.
• The Sloppopotamus will be the person who drinks till they black out, and are normally falling over and under things. Gravity is a huge enemy of the Sloppopotamus
• The Sloppopotamus can be the girl or guy that begins slurring words, throwing stuff, and picking fights with both animate and inanimate objects.
• The Sloppopotamus might become such things as a raging kleptomaniac, racist, a spirit guide, know-it-all, or begin to curse wildly during peaceful conversation.
• The Sloppopotamus will show a varying amount of emotions with in a short amount of time.

Ok now that you have a general idea of what the “Sloppopotamus” is…this is the game

Can you believe the "Sloppopotamus"  is actually the girl all the way on the right...

SPOT THE SLOPPOPOTAMUS!
Materials: Paper, Pens or Pencils, Imagination, a Raging Fun Time, Drinks, and Good Times all around

Number of People Needed to Play: 1 or more

Ages: Recommended for ages 18 and above

The rules of the game are simple. The key to the game is keeping an accurate score and gaining the most points…The point of the game is simple and the key rule is every time you find, spot, or stumble upon “Sloppopotamus behavior” you gain a point/ mark. The person who spots the most “Sloppopotamus behavior” before the other players wins.

Make sure the people you are playing with add in some bonus pointers to make the game more interesting…some of my go to “bonus” finds are:

-          A Sloppopotamus lighting the wrong end of a cigarette (+4 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus falls asleep standing up (+3 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus begins crying in the corner (+2 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus removes an article of clothing at an incredibly in opportune moment (+2 points)

Have fun with the bonus points…and remember the “Sloppopotamus” is not an endangered species so this game should always be high scoring.

So readers, I challenge you at your next function to play “Spot the Sloppopotamus”…AND readers, because I care about you,  I recommend never actually becoming the Sloppopotamus! Keep it classy!

Anyway this was just a short post on the “Sloppopotamus”…Happy three day weekend everyone! I hope many are enjoying the warm weather and beach around the world.

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

Happy and Blessed Memorial Day!

(Hey y’all I’m Kayla and I’m bombing Matteo’s post. He’s Sloppopotamus right now as he’s writing in case you guys were wondering! If he doesn’t proofread...this will make it in! Also since I taught him Sloppopotamus I propose we also start using slutapotomus! Till next time readers! Sto Lat)

^I found this little blurb in the middle of my blog post earlier…my friend Kayla, creator of the above artwork, apparently took advantage of my blog when I was slightly sloshed and not paying attention…

POST NUMERO 17: Party Success, and Dancing Time Challenge

THIS JUST IN!! The Torre family has finally, FINALLY pulled off a successful party! A party with real people other then the four main “Torre”s!! A party at a REAL restaurant and not in our house!! A FREAKING REAL PARTY, WITH REAL FOOD, and REAL PEOPLE!!!! IT IS A WINE WENESDAY MIRACLE!!!

This is such a success for the Torre family!! On the ride home from the party we actually talked about what a success it was! For once we did not need to use the word failure during a car ride!

HOOORAY!!!!

With the excitement of this success, the numerous graduations, and with it being Wine Wednesday…my random thought filter has been removed and I have been on full blast all day. So, tonight I bring you a random topic such as this…

I realized while standing at the party that I tend to dance a lot. In fact I dance all the time…no matter if there is music or not…no matter if it is appropriate or not…I just kind of move and wiggle around (wow, wiggle is a terrible word…stop reading for a moment and say it a few times…wig-gle, wigglle, wig-gle, wi-gull, wee-gle). One problem with my dancing is that I have zero rhythm and at times I can’t control the lower half of my body…aka “crazy hips syndrome”. Yet, somehow in my lack of rhythm I have found and created a few main moves that when done in a certain order make it look like I could have the possibility of being a freaking amazingly talented dancer (not really, but I am allowed to exaggerate).

Here are a few of the moves with clear (not really) and step by step directions (not even close to step by step)

Move Number 1: “Ship-hips”

Ok this move consists of isolating the hips and just moving them back and forth…back and forth…back and forth… Like a ship on water rocking back and forth…to illustrate for you readers, picture this, move the lower half of your body (from waist down) as if you were trying to remove your pants with out using your hands and by just wiggling and gyrating the lower half of your body.

Move Number 2: “Invisible Hula Hoop”

Go hula hooping…practice how to keep the hula hoop up…then remove hula hoop…continue hula hooping with imaginary hula hoop…BAM…welcome to the dance move known as “Invisible Hula Hoop” …feels good right…

DISCLAIMER: Now I warn you…these two  moves (Ship-Hips and the Invisible Hula Hoop) if done improperly can make the dancer go from 0 to 100 % “Slutty McSlutson” in seconds. Also, if not practiced people might think something is very wrong in your pants…Practice wisely and try not to pull anything.

Side note…I have been challenged before to a “hip off”…I win every time…in fact this amazing girl Amy from Britain (I have mentioned her before) used to challenge me to a “Whose Hips Move Better Contest”…I won every time…every time…I think the final scoreboard was :

[ Italy/Me: 290 ------ Britain/Amy: 0]

…I got Hips, impressive hips…(If Amy just read this I bet you she cursed loudly and screamed, “liar!”... however she has some wonderful hips as well...)

Anyway, Back to the dance moves!

Move Number 3: “The Unfunky Chicken”

Flap your arms like wings and turn in a slow circle while thrusting in random directions…the unfunky chicken surprisingly works with every type of music…this includes slow opera, folk singing, relaxing whale noises, monk chanting, and hardcore gospel music.

Move Number 4: “Organized Hand Flails”

Move you hands in various punching, sliding, flapping, clapping, and other diverse manners. However, make it look like you have done this move billions of times over and find a pattern…hence “organized hand flails”…Some Organized Hand Flails include but are not limited too the dreaded air punch, the double air punch, the face wash, the swim, the drown, and the ever important and impressive duel handed monkey wrench swing.

Move Number 5: “Invisible Bongos”

Invisible bongos…pretend you have 9-10 invisible bongos in front of you…visualize them all…some can be magical floating bongos up in the air…others on the ground…when the time comes (and believe me you will feel the perfect moment in the music to bust this out) start playing your invisible bongos loud and proud while slapping the air in a fiery passion of dance fury…also add in the occasional thrusting…

Imagine the Bongos in this box...then play the crap out of them on the dance floor!

Ok, so those are some of the ones I can think of right now. I know I probably have more moves and will jot some down tomorrow as I go throughout my day…I challenge you all to try and work out some of these moves. Hit the dance floor, let down your hair, bust out some major ship hips, and invisible bongo the night away!

Anyway, This is a quick entry…lots of new subscribers from all over the world! Love to hear some feedback about anything and everything!

CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 16: Hawaiian Friends, Surviving Graduation, and Murder eyes

Alright Readers I have HAPPY NEWS (at least for me…this really wont mean much for most of you) …I just figured out one of my best friends whom moved away to Hawaii is reading my blog! So the pressure is on to make these posts extra amazing from now on…So now that I know I am being read by one of my nearest and dearest…BRING IT ON!!!

I need to dedicate a few posts to her about our numerous adventures…dang nabbit will those blog posts be entertaining…like one time her and I…

Nah, I love her, but this is not one of those dedication posts…Only because If I started writing about her I would never stop. So for now I am just going to type one thing to her in order to send some good vibes

I LOVE and MISS YOU ROCKY (not her real name) !!!!

Anyway so yesterday I posted about "surviving graduations" and today I went through all the beautiful photos I took yesterday and realized…Holy Crap…I am a TERRIBLE photographer! Why and How? Well, apparently for most ceremony I thought this one kid was my brother but APPARENTLY it wasn’t. I have about 100 pictures of a complete stranger whom from afar looked completely like my brother…Then the one picture I actually have of Silvio...it is blurry as can be... Needless to say Silvio is ready to strangle me! Not my fault however because the camera was just awful and that kid could have been him…but it wasn’t…damn doppelgangers

Anyway yesterday I made a list dedicated to how the one graduating can survive the ceremony…so today I am doing the vice versa…

So Here is a quick list of

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING A SPECTATOR AT A GRADUATION!:

1)      Whether you are a family member, good friend, significant other, or something else important know that at SOME POINT your darling graduate will look up to find you in the crowd…and this will happen at the worst point in time

a.       for example: Your graduate will look up at you just as you are looking the most disinterested, leaving for the bathroom, bored, or have the “get the hell out of the joint” look…this will in turn break their spirits

2)      The “time space continuum” goes to hell during a graduation…after a short time it will seem as if time will slow down…and believe me, no matter How proud you are of your graduate…you will begin to check your watch more and more…in fact, the more proud you are the slower time will go.

3)      Something I fell prey to…MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WORKING CAMERA!...During the ceremony the camera would take picture not when I wanted to…but during the most inconvenient of times. I have so many pictures of the man’s bald spot who sat in front of me. I feel like I gave him a sun burn from the flash…

4)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of sitting. While that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding the 10 seconds that your loved one is on stage

5)      Make sure you take pictures of the right kid…

6)      You will begin to hallucinate during the names…you will laugh at some of the names…and you WILL hate the parents that sound like they named their kids after vegetables or strippers

7)      I repeat…MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PICTURES OF THE RIGHT KID!

8)      You will be surprised how many kids have “awkward” names…

9)      BRING A SNACK! It helps…

10)  Lastly, when taking photos with the graduate…pride can totally register as some SERIOUS “murder eyes” in photos

.... look how proud I am of you...muahahaha...

Anyway, tomorrow I have another Silvio event!! I am feeling way better!! My Sack filled with medications is totally working!! I should be able to celebrate thirsty Thursday with the way the meds are working!

Readers, I am getting some amazing private messages and feedback so thank you for that.

Some responses to questions from the crowd…

1)      Yes, I really do LOVE Russians…they are my second biggest subscribing country

2)      Yes, I really do LOVE drinking

3)      I know…I know…I have not done many “drinking stories” but they are coming

4)      Yes, I am a jerk…I have accepted this fact as true

5)      I know that my blog has not changed in anyway visually…but my friend Kayla and I are working on it…so hold your horses…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

POST NUMERO 15: Aunt Oona, Congratulations Silvio and Surviving the Ceremony

This Post Seems long...but it is mostly empty space and pictures...enjoy!
Ok, firstly…although it happened a few days ago…Rest In Peace the Lovely Donna Summer (December 31, 1948 – May 17, 2012). You were an amazing talent and you will be missed greatly. Your music was incredibly upbeat, catchy, fun, and completely awesome.  You were the inspiration for many one person basement funky disco dance parties. Not to mention…if anyone does not remember the Family Matters episode where Donna Summer  plays “Aunt Oona from Altoona” I recommend you try and find it on YouTube or catch it online…she was hilarious and her character still makes me laugh! (Aunt Oona from Altoona…sigh…the perfect use for a fat suit)

Aunt Oona...from Altoona!

Secondly, I need to apologize readers…I know I have not posted in the longest time…it might be five days now…but my plummeting number of readers and people unsubscribing is punishment enough…but don’t worry I have good reasons for my absence so come back to me readers!

Firstly…holy crap, have I been sick with the weirdest-nothing-none-symptom-filled with symptoms type of illness…yes…I was sick…felt sick…body ached…fever…but nothing else. Then the cough came and I have not slept…and then I went to the doctor and the doctor started feeling my spleen and stuff and saying stuff about my spleen…and then I got bit…and my arms are injured and GOSH…long freaking story short…I have been sick! I am however on TONS of meds…a whole SACK load…and with this SACK OF MEDS I feel much better!

Thirdly, CONGRATULATIONS TO MY BROTHER SILVIO TORRE!!!!! Silvio Torre, not his real name, graduated with highest honors from Medical School and I announce it to you internet…DR. SILVIO TORRE will be THE BEST DOCTOR EVER!  So my life has been consumed with dedication and praise to him and it has left little time for typing up my rants. This dedication to my brother involves planning a party and buying a gift and trying to ration my clothes so he can look nice and I don’t look better then him at the graduation ceremonies (it happens sometimes…we have argued…he was tired of people wondering who was older so I kinda have to dress “younger” then him…it never works)

Fourthly, let me repeat…CONGRATS TO MY BROTHER DOCTOR SILVIO TORRE!!!!

AUGURI SILVIO!!!

AUGURI DOTTORE!!!

Fifthly, I have just been tired…I pass out at night midway though a post ranting about whatever.

Ok, so that is just the short list of reasons of why I have been a "jackass" and have not written on here in a relatively long time (especially after conveying time and time again the dedication that I would give to this site). However, rest assured readers, over the weekend I did not do much that is of any interest to write about…

Anyway, the Torre family never has parties (we stopped celebrating birthdays when I turned ten) or really goes out into public so planning something in an actual restaurant has been one of those “hellish Italian ordeal” type of things.  For example, last night my mother got an overwhelming sense of guilt that she was not cooking anything for graduation day and ended up making a practice pork roast…we then all ended up screaming about the practice/safety blanket pork roast...

I said I would pay for the party as a gift to my brother (this also means I get to keep the watch I bought for him originally…ehhhhh)

I really am sooooo amazed at my brother’s achievements…him and I are polar opposites while still being mirror images of each other. He was the “Sporty, Smart, Quiet, and Brilliant” one, and I was the “Conartist, Street Smart, and Quick Witted” one.  Ask around town and people still don’t know that there is actually two Torre boys...for years people thought we were the same person…

A few “normal” conversations when my brother and I are introduced to people:

Parents: Do you remember our sons Silvio and Matteo?

Parent’s Friend: WAIT, you have two sons?!?!

Or the ever classic,

Parents: This is our son Matteo…

Parent’s friend of about 10 years: Wait, who is Matteo?...I thought you had one son…

BUT THIS IS HIS WEEK (hooray)…and next week will be his week (hooray)…and probably the week after that (hooray)…but gotta love him…plus the coming days involve Costco cake!

Anyway, So while sitting through the graduation today I realized one of two things.

1)      I am going to go back to school and earn something important!!

2)      I want to give a awe inspiring speech to a group of teenagers or college kids at a graduation!

Two achievable goals that I am adding to the bucket list!

Alright, so the Torre Brothers have always had the woooorst graduation days ever. We have never had a beautiful day EVER for any of our graduations

So readers, I present to you the...::drum role::

Graduation Crap Day Score Card: 

>>>>Silvio’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Sunny during the morning which gave hope, then thunder stormed with heavy rain
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Thunder stormed with a Bolt Lightening warning
• High School Graduation- Rained all day…stopped for half the ceremony…then continued when everyone put their guard down
• College Graduation- TROPICAL STORM/ HURRICANE…lights went out knocking out the Air Conditioning…ceremony had to be moved into an abandoned basement…streets flooded…water everywhere
• Medical School Graduation- Rain Rain everywhere…

Total score: 0/5

>>>>Matteo’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Extreme Heat advisory, then it began to storm…so much lightning and thunder
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Extremely Hot and Extremely wet…it then became immensely dark and rained for 3 days
• High School Graduation- OMG this could be the best one yet, First it rained…and they began moving everyone from the outdoor ceremony into the indoor gym where they were not allowing the elderly due to EXTREME HEAT. Then it stopped raining and the ceremony was once again moved outdoors again…Then a bolt of lightning shorted out the sound system and no one knew what was going on and we had no mircophones…then as soon as they called my name to go up and get my diploma…IT BEGAN TO FUCKING RAIN AND HAIL!!! ALMOND SIZED HAIL! BOTH AT THE SAME TIME…IT RAINED and HAILED! IT “RAILED”!!
• College Graduation- Rain…Rain…Thunder…Lightening...Moist-ness

Total Score: 0/4

As you can see Mother Nature raised that bar high…however being that I am going back to school I have no high expectations for a any future Graduations.

Ok Last thing…Here are some Graduation Tips:

1)      No one looks good in the hat…

2)      Before Commencement and during the ceremony the tassley thing is worn on the right side of the hat, then flipped to the left…anyone that says otherwise is a Liar!

3)      It is perfectly acceptable to pretend to be a wizard…

4)      No one truly sees what is going on with your legs…the graduation gown is long…plan pants accordingly…ALSO it is like wearing a blanket…it will get hot…dress accordingly.

5)      Make friends with your neighbors. Having conversations and pointing out all the funny names you are bound to hear will make the experience more bearable.

6)      If you get your gown a day before or so…take pictures at home…make a mock set up…I kept losing my brother today in the sea of everyone wearing the same thing.

7)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of walking. And while that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding 10 seconds you are on stage.

8)      If you want to waste a good chunk of time, search for your family in the crowd. It’s like “Where’s Waldo”!

WELL BACK TO THE CELEBRATION!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

POST NUMERO 14: "The Buzz By!"

So, 24 days left of school till summer break! I am crazy excited and the weather has already started to get hot during the mid afternoon. However, with all this damn rain it is like a sauna outside and regardless of how sick I have been lately, this humidity is not helping with sleeping.

So, last night I experienced what might have been and what might be one of the most horrific events in life…something I’d like to call…”The Buzz By”….dun dun dunnnnn….

What is the “The Buzz By”? Well, “The Buzz By” is when you lay down on your pillow for sleep…get all comfortable…start drifting off…and suddenly…WTF!!!, YOU HEAR A BUZZ PASS YOUR EAR!?!?!

To be more exact in the definition, it is when a Mosquito manages to get into your space and torture you by buzzing in your ear all night until you are forced to hunt it down like an angry freaking hippo. It is horrific! They make such a terrible high pitched noise and you know they are on a hunt for blood. This hunt could be taking place anywhere as you try and rationalize that maybe, “you imagined the noise” until it happens again!

GOSH…I shiver to even think of it…after I heard it…I quickly tossed aside my Snuggie and frantically searched myself and the room…I found it on my pillow…I am now scared for life!

This is what it was like:

I googled searched a bunch of terms in this post and was disgusted by the results...
so here is another puppy!

Here are only a few sensations that match the horror of “The Buzz By”:

1) The “Spider Web Walk In”: This one is common in the early spring into summer…when all the cute little silk worm bastards come out and leave silk strings hanging from everything and letting the unsuspecting public walk into them and then slap, flap, and flail to try and get them off. It is horrifying because the silk strings always manage to be completely invisible but produce an eerie hit in the face with an exploding octopus sensation.

2) The “Was that beauty mark there before I went into the woods effect?”: Simple…is it a tick…is it not a tick…did anyone or does anyone do the “Tick Check” when they come inside…I know I do!

3) The “I killed the bug…Shit, where did it go effect?!”: This one is great, you are confident you killed the bug…but when you look…it is gone. Sometimes the worst is when you think you killed it and it still runs or falls down and disappears into nowhere…except now it is seeking vengeance.

And one not having to do with Bugs

4) The “Banana Stare”: The “Banana Stare” is when you are trying to eat a banana in public without making eye contact with anyone. THEN SUDDENLY you end up making eye contact and it becomes…just…inappropriate…it is just freaking difficult to look away and act normal afterwards. In fact, readers, I challenge you…next time you eat a banana in public…make direct eye contact with someone and see how that goes over…I promise hilarity and awkwardness will ensue (maybe even a date, or a fist fight!)

ANYWAY, More blog posts to come…thank you for the private messages and love…Germany and Malaysia apparently do not love me anymore! Russia keep reading!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!