POST NUMERO 24: Sparklers and Shower Drinking!

Firstly, Happy belated birthday America!!  It was a fun family filled day followed by best friend Kayla coming over at night with SPARKLERS!!! I had a major Sparkler craving for weeks and it was all I wanted for that day…sparklers…I love…sparklers…the way they sparkle…the fire!...I wish I had more…but anyway HAPPY BELATED 4^th OF JULY!!!

So, I realized today when looking at my blog that the ads around my words of wisdom (excuse me…let me rephrase...my GENIUS, FUNNY, TERRIFIC, POETIC, WONDERFUL, AND INSPIRING words of wisdom) all have to do with “Alcohol Rehab”. Every single one is about substance abuse… very interesting…so for the next few posts I am going to be trying some new and random posts to see if I can change the ads…or randomly throw in something to see if I can really switch up the ads. Not that I am against the ads…seek assistance if you feel so…I just feel somewhat “kill-joyed” by these adds…especially when I look on other blogs and they have such awesome colorful stuff (although nothing beats the first ad that appeared on my blog for “COCK” the musical)

Secondly, Happy Anniversy Torre Parents!!! 26 Years and still Arguing like typical Italians…I would list a bunch of sappy and beautiful things here but I fell down the stairs earlier when I went to say “Happy Anniversy” to them…so the bruise on my ankle is dedication enough.

Thirdly, Happy Birthday Shelly!!!! Even though it was numerous day ago you are an awesome person and I would list a bunch of stuff about you but I am not going to.

Fourthly, Happy Graduation Jackie!! Just had to say it again!

Ok anyway, 2 great things…2 very amazing great awesome things…Cleanliness…and Drunkeness. I love to be clean. I love to clean. I love to smell nice. I love to drink my drink and drank my drank. Put the two together and you have…DRINKING IN THE SHOWER!

Now readers, I know some of your might have gasped and said…”ALCOHOLISM!” but I am telling you now…try it…it is amazing!  The first time I tried it was in my junior year in college…changed my life forever. The coolness of the drink…the cleaning factor of the shower…the warm cascade of water. Two of my favorite things occuring in unision…cleanliness and drunkenness

OK, so how to succeed in “Shower Drinking” relies on some very basic steps and rules

Number 1) Try to avoid glass and stick with cans…duh… It took a somewhat long time for me to move onto mixed drinks by bringing in the cocktail shaker into the shower and successfully make a drink…I am kidding…but it did take a long time to move onto mixed drinks.  It is hard to keep water and soap out of the drink and still act calm and collected when exfoliating and re-shampooing. It was nice…take a sip…put it down…no fuss. Also avoid glass for the sheer purpose of how it might be hard to explain to people how you stepped on glass when kicking back a few in the shower. My main choice for shower drinking is an old fashioned classic Budweiser in a can (also known to me as “Hillbilly” beer…but I will write about that in another post). Yes, with the canned Budweiser It was great because I knew if I dropped it at least I would not end up in the emergency room.

Number 2) Always remember which hand has the drink..and which one has the soap. You never want to mix up the two…In the delight that is shower drinking you may become completely and totally calm and end up taking a big chug of conditioner (but don’t worry bottles of soap normally come with Poison Control’s number on the back of the label)

Number 3) Do not be a shower Sloppopotamus!!! This is just a calming thing…it is great when done in a relaxed manner, a shower is supposed to be relaxing so keep it calm…not a frat party!

Number 4) Soap does not taste good so drink with care

Number 5) Soap is slippery…CAUTION as sometimes drinking may cause a slippery sensation…the two together might end up in a VERY slippery situation

And finally

Number 6) Enjoy the moment.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB...DRINKING IN THE TUB!

Anyway. Someone pointed out to me that my last two posts have been about Nudity and Nakedness and other stuff….well what can I say…except…HAPPY NUDE RECREATION WEEK EVERYONE!!!!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

more posts coming soon!

The artwork is made by the amazing Kayla again...look for more coming soon...she is brilliant and has an amazing eye and ability!

POST NUMERO 18: Memorial Day, Spot the Sloppopotamus, and A Game

Happy Three day weekend everyone!!!

Ok so I have not posted in a few days but time to get going again (damn me and my laziness)!! Firstly, I want to thank all the private messengers…some of you subscribers and messengers are really wonderful and I am loving the feedback…others, unfortunately, I despise you with a passion! I especially love reading all the wonderful posts in different languages...keep. them. coming!.

In this post I am basically going to be rambling so buckle up…

Let me set up a scenario readers…

You  enter a party…you are relaxing and having a good time…and suddenly the “Safari” breaks out. The party becomes mostly hormone and alcohol fueled. Everyone is having fun and bonding with close acquaintances as personalities begin to flair and “drink is drank”…The room is filled with levity, you are feeling good, you are having fun…when suddenly…the hunt is on…

This is when my favorite party game begins…a game known as “Spot the Sloppopotamus!”

Readers, I know what your reaction just was, “A WHAT?! A HIPPOPOTAMUS?! A WHAAAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!” and I am sure some of you are even going, “I WONDER IF THAT IS LIKE PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!?!”…

Well readers, “Spot the Sloppopotamus!” is so much better…so…so much better…However in order to understand the game you must first know what a Sloppopotamus is.

Definition:

Sloppopotamus: Noun: a. The “hot mess” of the party  b. The sloppiest drinker and partier in the room  c. The “ship wreck” of partiers  d. the vom-vom-cray-cray-rey-rey

“Wow, after one beer at the holiday party Carol became the Sloppopotamus as she cried, yelled at, and kicked the copy machine”

The word, which was made popular by a certain TV show that sickens me, is basically a wonderful way of describing the individual who becomes “A sloppy drinker.”

Now, don’t deny it, we ALL know that one person or friend who becomes the dreaded “Sloppopotamus”

To help you find out who the Sloppopotamus is here are some helpful reminders, distinguishing facts, and hints:

• The Sloppopotamus is the person who can be compared to or nicknamed the “Titanic” when drinking.
• The Sloppopotamus will be the person who drinks till they black out, and are normally falling over and under things. Gravity is a huge enemy of the Sloppopotamus
• The Sloppopotamus can be the girl or guy that begins slurring words, throwing stuff, and picking fights with both animate and inanimate objects.
• The Sloppopotamus might become such things as a raging kleptomaniac, racist, a spirit guide, know-it-all, or begin to curse wildly during peaceful conversation.
• The Sloppopotamus will show a varying amount of emotions with in a short amount of time.

Ok now that you have a general idea of what the “Sloppopotamus” is…this is the game

Can you believe the "Sloppopotamus"  is actually the girl all the way on the right...

SPOT THE SLOPPOPOTAMUS!
Materials: Paper, Pens or Pencils, Imagination, a Raging Fun Time, Drinks, and Good Times all around

Number of People Needed to Play: 1 or more

Ages: Recommended for ages 18 and above

The rules of the game are simple. The key to the game is keeping an accurate score and gaining the most points…The point of the game is simple and the key rule is every time you find, spot, or stumble upon “Sloppopotamus behavior” you gain a point/ mark. The person who spots the most “Sloppopotamus behavior” before the other players wins.

Make sure the people you are playing with add in some bonus pointers to make the game more interesting…some of my go to “bonus” finds are:

-          A Sloppopotamus lighting the wrong end of a cigarette (+4 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus falls asleep standing up (+3 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus begins crying in the corner (+2 points)

-          A Sloppopotamus removes an article of clothing at an incredibly in opportune moment (+2 points)

Have fun with the bonus points…and remember the “Sloppopotamus” is not an endangered species so this game should always be high scoring.

So readers, I challenge you at your next function to play “Spot the Sloppopotamus”…AND readers, because I care about you,  I recommend never actually becoming the Sloppopotamus! Keep it classy!

Anyway this was just a short post on the “Sloppopotamus”…Happy three day weekend everyone! I hope many are enjoying the warm weather and beach around the world.

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!

Happy and Blessed Memorial Day!

(Hey y’all I’m Kayla and I’m bombing Matteo’s post. He’s Sloppopotamus right now as he’s writing in case you guys were wondering! If he doesn’t proofread...this will make it in! Also since I taught him Sloppopotamus I propose we also start using slutapotomus! Till next time readers! Sto Lat)

^I found this little blurb in the middle of my blog post earlier…my friend Kayla, creator of the above artwork, apparently took advantage of my blog when I was slightly sloshed and not paying attention…