POST NUMERO 17: Party Success, and Dancing Time Challenge

THIS JUST IN!! The Torre family has finally, FINALLY pulled off a successful party! A party with real people other then the four main “Torre”s!! A party at a REAL restaurant and not in our house!! A FREAKING REAL PARTY, WITH REAL FOOD, and REAL PEOPLE!!!! IT IS A WINE WENESDAY MIRACLE!!!

This is such a success for the Torre family!! On the ride home from the party we actually talked about what a success it was! For once we did not need to use the word failure during a car ride!

HOOORAY!!!!

With the excitement of this success, the numerous graduations, and with it being Wine Wednesday…my random thought filter has been removed and I have been on full blast all day. So, tonight I bring you a random topic such as this…

I realized while standing at the party that I tend to dance a lot. In fact I dance all the time…no matter if there is music or not…no matter if it is appropriate or not…I just kind of move and wiggle around (wow, wiggle is a terrible word…stop reading for a moment and say it a few times…wig-gle, wigglle, wig-gle, wi-gull, wee-gle). One problem with my dancing is that I have zero rhythm and at times I can’t control the lower half of my body…aka “crazy hips syndrome”. Yet, somehow in my lack of rhythm I have found and created a few main moves that when done in a certain order make it look like I could have the possibility of being a freaking amazingly talented dancer (not really, but I am allowed to exaggerate).

Here are a few of the moves with clear (not really) and step by step directions (not even close to step by step)

Move Number 1: “Ship-hips”

Ok this move consists of isolating the hips and just moving them back and forth…back and forth…back and forth… Like a ship on water rocking back and forth…to illustrate for you readers, picture this, move the lower half of your body (from waist down) as if you were trying to remove your pants with out using your hands and by just wiggling and gyrating the lower half of your body.

Move Number 2: “Invisible Hula Hoop”

Go hula hooping…practice how to keep the hula hoop up…then remove hula hoop…continue hula hooping with imaginary hula hoop…BAM…welcome to the dance move known as “Invisible Hula Hoop” …feels good right…

DISCLAIMER: Now I warn you…these two  moves (Ship-Hips and the Invisible Hula Hoop) if done improperly can make the dancer go from 0 to 100 % “Slutty McSlutson” in seconds. Also, if not practiced people might think something is very wrong in your pants…Practice wisely and try not to pull anything.

Side note…I have been challenged before to a “hip off”…I win every time…in fact this amazing girl Amy from Britain (I have mentioned her before) used to challenge me to a “Whose Hips Move Better Contest”…I won every time…every time…I think the final scoreboard was :

[ Italy/Me: 290 ------ Britain/Amy: 0]

…I got Hips, impressive hips…(If Amy just read this I bet you she cursed loudly and screamed, “liar!”... however she has some wonderful hips as well...)

Anyway, Back to the dance moves!

Move Number 3: “The Unfunky Chicken”

Flap your arms like wings and turn in a slow circle while thrusting in random directions…the unfunky chicken surprisingly works with every type of music…this includes slow opera, folk singing, relaxing whale noises, monk chanting, and hardcore gospel music.

Move Number 4: “Organized Hand Flails”

Move you hands in various punching, sliding, flapping, clapping, and other diverse manners. However, make it look like you have done this move billions of times over and find a pattern…hence “organized hand flails”…Some Organized Hand Flails include but are not limited too the dreaded air punch, the double air punch, the face wash, the swim, the drown, and the ever important and impressive duel handed monkey wrench swing.

Move Number 5: “Invisible Bongos”

Invisible bongos…pretend you have 9-10 invisible bongos in front of you…visualize them all…some can be magical floating bongos up in the air…others on the ground…when the time comes (and believe me you will feel the perfect moment in the music to bust this out) start playing your invisible bongos loud and proud while slapping the air in a fiery passion of dance fury…also add in the occasional thrusting…

Imagine the Bongos in this box...then play the crap out of them on the dance floor!

Ok, so those are some of the ones I can think of right now. I know I probably have more moves and will jot some down tomorrow as I go throughout my day…I challenge you all to try and work out some of these moves. Hit the dance floor, let down your hair, bust out some major ship hips, and invisible bongo the night away!

Anyway, This is a quick entry…lots of new subscribers from all over the world! Love to hear some feedback about anything and everything!

CHEERS! SALUTE! CHIN CHIN!

POST NUMERO 16: Hawaiian Friends, Surviving Graduation, and Murder eyes

Alright Readers I have HAPPY NEWS (at least for me…this really wont mean much for most of you) …I just figured out one of my best friends whom moved away to Hawaii is reading my blog! So the pressure is on to make these posts extra amazing from now on…So now that I know I am being read by one of my nearest and dearest…BRING IT ON!!!

I need to dedicate a few posts to her about our numerous adventures…dang nabbit will those blog posts be entertaining…like one time her and I…

Nah, I love her, but this is not one of those dedication posts…Only because If I started writing about her I would never stop. So for now I am just going to type one thing to her in order to send some good vibes

I LOVE and MISS YOU ROCKY (not her real name) !!!!

Anyway so yesterday I posted about "surviving graduations" and today I went through all the beautiful photos I took yesterday and realized…Holy Crap…I am a TERRIBLE photographer! Why and How? Well, apparently for most ceremony I thought this one kid was my brother but APPARENTLY it wasn’t. I have about 100 pictures of a complete stranger whom from afar looked completely like my brother…Then the one picture I actually have of Silvio...it is blurry as can be... Needless to say Silvio is ready to strangle me! Not my fault however because the camera was just awful and that kid could have been him…but it wasn’t…damn doppelgangers

Anyway yesterday I made a list dedicated to how the one graduating can survive the ceremony…so today I am doing the vice versa…

So Here is a quick list of

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING A SPECTATOR AT A GRADUATION!:

1)      Whether you are a family member, good friend, significant other, or something else important know that at SOME POINT your darling graduate will look up to find you in the crowd…and this will happen at the worst point in time

a.       for example: Your graduate will look up at you just as you are looking the most disinterested, leaving for the bathroom, bored, or have the “get the hell out of the joint” look…this will in turn break their spirits

2)      The “time space continuum” goes to hell during a graduation…after a short time it will seem as if time will slow down…and believe me, no matter How proud you are of your graduate…you will begin to check your watch more and more…in fact, the more proud you are the slower time will go.

3)      Something I fell prey to…MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WORKING CAMERA!...During the ceremony the camera would take picture not when I wanted to…but during the most inconvenient of times. I have so many pictures of the man’s bald spot who sat in front of me. I feel like I gave him a sun burn from the flash…

4)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of sitting. While that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding the 10 seconds that your loved one is on stage

5)      Make sure you take pictures of the right kid…

6)      You will begin to hallucinate during the names…you will laugh at some of the names…and you WILL hate the parents that sound like they named their kids after vegetables or strippers

7)      I repeat…MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PICTURES OF THE RIGHT KID!

8)      You will be surprised how many kids have “awkward” names…

9)      BRING A SNACK! It helps…

10)  Lastly, when taking photos with the graduate…pride can totally register as some SERIOUS “murder eyes” in photos

.... look how proud I am of you...muahahaha...

Anyway, tomorrow I have another Silvio event!! I am feeling way better!! My Sack filled with medications is totally working!! I should be able to celebrate thirsty Thursday with the way the meds are working!

Readers, I am getting some amazing private messages and feedback so thank you for that.

Some responses to questions from the crowd…

1)      Yes, I really do LOVE Russians…they are my second biggest subscribing country

2)      Yes, I really do LOVE drinking

3)      I know…I know…I have not done many “drinking stories” but they are coming

4)      Yes, I am a jerk…I have accepted this fact as true

5)      I know that my blog has not changed in anyway visually…but my friend Kayla and I are working on it…so hold your horses…

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!

Read, Share, and Enjoy!

POST NUMERO 15: Aunt Oona, Congratulations Silvio and Surviving the Ceremony

This Post Seems long...but it is mostly empty space and pictures...enjoy!
Ok, firstly…although it happened a few days ago…Rest In Peace the Lovely Donna Summer (December 31, 1948 – May 17, 2012). You were an amazing talent and you will be missed greatly. Your music was incredibly upbeat, catchy, fun, and completely awesome.  You were the inspiration for many one person basement funky disco dance parties. Not to mention…if anyone does not remember the Family Matters episode where Donna Summer  plays “Aunt Oona from Altoona” I recommend you try and find it on YouTube or catch it online…she was hilarious and her character still makes me laugh! (Aunt Oona from Altoona…sigh…the perfect use for a fat suit)

Aunt Oona...from Altoona!

Secondly, I need to apologize readers…I know I have not posted in the longest time…it might be five days now…but my plummeting number of readers and people unsubscribing is punishment enough…but don’t worry I have good reasons for my absence so come back to me readers!

Firstly…holy crap, have I been sick with the weirdest-nothing-none-symptom-filled with symptoms type of illness…yes…I was sick…felt sick…body ached…fever…but nothing else. Then the cough came and I have not slept…and then I went to the doctor and the doctor started feeling my spleen and stuff and saying stuff about my spleen…and then I got bit…and my arms are injured and GOSH…long freaking story short…I have been sick! I am however on TONS of meds…a whole SACK load…and with this SACK OF MEDS I feel much better!

Thirdly, CONGRATULATIONS TO MY BROTHER SILVIO TORRE!!!!! Silvio Torre, not his real name, graduated with highest honors from Medical School and I announce it to you internet…DR. SILVIO TORRE will be THE BEST DOCTOR EVER!  So my life has been consumed with dedication and praise to him and it has left little time for typing up my rants. This dedication to my brother involves planning a party and buying a gift and trying to ration my clothes so he can look nice and I don’t look better then him at the graduation ceremonies (it happens sometimes…we have argued…he was tired of people wondering who was older so I kinda have to dress “younger” then him…it never works)

Fourthly, let me repeat…CONGRATS TO MY BROTHER DOCTOR SILVIO TORRE!!!!

AUGURI SILVIO!!!

AUGURI DOTTORE!!!

Fifthly, I have just been tired…I pass out at night midway though a post ranting about whatever.

Ok, so that is just the short list of reasons of why I have been a "jackass" and have not written on here in a relatively long time (especially after conveying time and time again the dedication that I would give to this site). However, rest assured readers, over the weekend I did not do much that is of any interest to write about…

Anyway, the Torre family never has parties (we stopped celebrating birthdays when I turned ten) or really goes out into public so planning something in an actual restaurant has been one of those “hellish Italian ordeal” type of things.  For example, last night my mother got an overwhelming sense of guilt that she was not cooking anything for graduation day and ended up making a practice pork roast…we then all ended up screaming about the practice/safety blanket pork roast...

I said I would pay for the party as a gift to my brother (this also means I get to keep the watch I bought for him originally…ehhhhh)

I really am sooooo amazed at my brother’s achievements…him and I are polar opposites while still being mirror images of each other. He was the “Sporty, Smart, Quiet, and Brilliant” one, and I was the “Conartist, Street Smart, and Quick Witted” one.  Ask around town and people still don’t know that there is actually two Torre boys...for years people thought we were the same person…

A few “normal” conversations when my brother and I are introduced to people:

Parents: Do you remember our sons Silvio and Matteo?

Parent’s Friend: WAIT, you have two sons?!?!

Or the ever classic,

Parents: This is our son Matteo…

Parent’s friend of about 10 years: Wait, who is Matteo?...I thought you had one son…

BUT THIS IS HIS WEEK (hooray)…and next week will be his week (hooray)…and probably the week after that (hooray)…but gotta love him…plus the coming days involve Costco cake!

Anyway, So while sitting through the graduation today I realized one of two things.

1)      I am going to go back to school and earn something important!!

2)      I want to give a awe inspiring speech to a group of teenagers or college kids at a graduation!

Two achievable goals that I am adding to the bucket list!

Alright, so the Torre Brothers have always had the woooorst graduation days ever. We have never had a beautiful day EVER for any of our graduations

So readers, I present to you the...::drum role::

Graduation Crap Day Score Card: 

>>>>Silvio’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Sunny during the morning which gave hope, then thunder stormed with heavy rain
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Thunder stormed with a Bolt Lightening warning
• High School Graduation- Rained all day…stopped for half the ceremony…then continued when everyone put their guard down
• College Graduation- TROPICAL STORM/ HURRICANE…lights went out knocking out the Air Conditioning…ceremony had to be moved into an abandoned basement…streets flooded…water everywhere
• Medical School Graduation- Rain Rain everywhere…

Total score: 0/5

>>>>Matteo’s Graduation Score Card:

• 5^th Grade Graduation- Extreme Heat advisory, then it began to storm…so much lightning and thunder
• 8^th Grade Graduation- Extremely Hot and Extremely wet…it then became immensely dark and rained for 3 days
• High School Graduation- OMG this could be the best one yet, First it rained…and they began moving everyone from the outdoor ceremony into the indoor gym where they were not allowing the elderly due to EXTREME HEAT. Then it stopped raining and the ceremony was once again moved outdoors again…Then a bolt of lightning shorted out the sound system and no one knew what was going on and we had no mircophones…then as soon as they called my name to go up and get my diploma…IT BEGAN TO FUCKING RAIN AND HAIL!!! ALMOND SIZED HAIL! BOTH AT THE SAME TIME…IT RAINED and HAILED! IT “RAILED”!!
• College Graduation- Rain…Rain…Thunder…Lightening...Moist-ness

Total Score: 0/4

As you can see Mother Nature raised that bar high…however being that I am going back to school I have no high expectations for a any future Graduations.

Ok Last thing…Here are some Graduation Tips:

1)      No one looks good in the hat…

2)      Before Commencement and during the ceremony the tassley thing is worn on the right side of the hat, then flipped to the left…anyone that says otherwise is a Liar!

3)      It is perfectly acceptable to pretend to be a wizard…

4)      No one truly sees what is going on with your legs…the graduation gown is long…plan pants accordingly…ALSO it is like wearing a blanket…it will get hot…dress accordingly.

5)      Make friends with your neighbors. Having conversations and pointing out all the funny names you are bound to hear will make the experience more bearable.

6)      If you get your gown a day before or so…take pictures at home…make a mock set up…I kept losing my brother today in the sea of everyone wearing the same thing.

7)      Graduations have long speeches and a lot of walking. And while that is all well and good, you will be bored for the entire ceremony, excluding 10 seconds you are on stage.

8)      If you want to waste a good chunk of time, search for your family in the crowd. It’s like “Where’s Waldo”!

WELL BACK TO THE CELEBRATION!!

CHEERS, SALUTE, CHIN CHIN!!!